by Sara V. Zook
“Why would you do that?” Even though his voice was controlled, his eyes looked murderous. I hadn’t expected him to jump up and attack me like that.
“You wouldn’t wake up.”
“What is so goddamn important that I wake up?” He ran his fingers through his brown hair, slicking it back. He was still hammered—and savagely beautiful, looking like a wild beast ready to pounce.
My bottom lip trembled as I watched him pace about the room trying to calm himself, trying not to lose his shit on me. I probably deserved it. I shouldn’t have thrown cold water in his face. Was I afraid of Nicky Cain? “You…left me.”
“What?” He stopped pacing to turn and look at me. Then he ripped up the bottom of his soaked shirt and lifted it up over his head and tossed it on the floor at his feet. He was standing there with wet hair and a cut chest that I just could not take my eyes from. He’d been working out a lot lately, and it was definitely paying off.
“At Carmine’s…” I hesitated, watching him, my eyes still wanting to zoom in on those abs. “You ditched me, Nicky. I had to get a ride with one of the Triplets.”
“Fuck,” he hissed out. Then he started pacing again. “You just woke me up so you could bitch me out?”
I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes, threatening to fall. He’d never spoken to me like this before. “You left me,” I reiterated again, trying to emphasize my point.
Nicky took a few steps toward me. He leaned down on the bed, his face very close to mine, his dark eyes piercing right through me as if he could sense my fear. “What do you want me to say, Lilah? You want an apology? Would that make you feel better?”
I swallowed, trying to suck it up and face him without cowering. I would never cower to another man, ever. “I want to know why you did it.”
Hot air expelled from his nostrils and onto my face. He put both of his hands on the bed, his arms on either side of me, trapping me in. “Are you sure you’re ready for this discussion?”
“I…”
“Think long and hard, Lilah. Once you know the details, there’s no going back to your little bubble.”
“I’m not in a bubble.” I swallowed again—hard.
His eyes never left mine. “You are. A denial bubble. Everyone else around you knows. Do you want me to tell you?”
I didn’t reply.
“Do you?” he asked, more sharply this time, leaning in so that I had to lay down flat against the bed.
I didn’t dare push him away. He had this fierceness about him, this look in his eye that drew me in. He was ready to talk to me, and though I’d just forced him into it, I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready to listen. I knew in my heart what it was already. Nicky was head of the mob, but how? I wasn’t sure of the details. I’d tried to keep myself preoccupied, not wanting to believe the obvious. He was right. I was in denial. “Yes,” I finally said.
“I’m the fucking mob boss.”
I closed my eyes. He’d said the words. I knew I heard them, but I wanted so much to block them out.
“You were right all this time, Lilah. I am part of a mob. There are things I do that I don’t want to do—ugly, unspeakable things that keep me up at night. I know it’s only the beginning of these things. There will be more. And you know what scares me even more than the fact that there’ll be more?” He paused to touch his nose to mine. “I’ll tell you. The fact that someday I’ll wake up and be numb to those ugly things, that I’ll be able to do them and not care. I know that day’s in my future, Lilah. I’m a criminal and a hero all in the same sense. People hate me and yet look up to me. How fucked up is that?”
I opened my eyes again. He was still there staring down at me, breathing hot, liquored-up breath down upon me. I wanted so much to cover my ears and not listen, but I needed to hear this. I needed to hear the words come from his mouth.
“Want to know how I became mob boss?”
I didn’t reply again.
“Shake your head yes if you do.”
Against my will, my head was nodding forward. I was in shock. Oh god, the shock as I continued to be pinned down by Nicky Cain.
“Carmine was my father.”
I gasped. What? Carmine’s son?
A small smirk crossed over Nicky’s lips then. “I know. Crazy, huh? Remmy was the one to break it to me. I didn’t know, but Carmine did all this time. He had plans for me. I guess his plans didn’t include getting killed and having me find out this way. I have no experience, Lilah. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m in way over my head, and I’m forced into this now. I’ve inherited this shit. So now I have to deal with everything that comes with my title. You have no idea what I’m going through. I have to go to Carmine’s. The guys pull me aside and ask me questions. They expect answers from me, and they don’t give me any time to think. They want to know now. I have to make decisions quickly. What if it’s the wrong choice? How will that affect the empire?”
“Empire?”
Nicky shook his head and climbed off of me. He walked to the other side of the room and leaned against the wall. “My head’s all muddled with what’s going on around me. I’m still processing.” He tapped the side of his head with his finger. “So now you know, Lilah. I couldn’t fucking deal with being around everyone over there. I left. I ditched you because I wasn’t even thinking about you. I was thinking about other stuff. Sounds bad, but I’ll tell you the truth—you’re not always at the forefront of my mind. I have a lot on my plate.”
I brought my hand up to rest on my chest and stared at the floor for a moment. He’d confessed more than I thought he would. Maybe it was still the alcohol running through his veins. Maybe it was just something he needed to say. Everything about what he’d just said stung, though. The burn was deep and slow as it spread throughout me—pure torture as I took it all in. He did unspeakable things. I knew a murderer stood before me. A drug dealer too? Did he transport guns and sell them on the street? What was it that Carmine did that now transferred over to Nicky? Carmine was his father? How in the world did this all come about? And the one thing that hurt even more than all the rest: that he hadn’t even had a thought about me as he left Carmine’s tonight. He was too consumed with everything else to realize that I was still inside waiting for him. What did that mean? Didn’t he care about me like I thought he did?
Nicky watched me for a few minutes before crossing the room again and coming back over to me. He took hold of my arms and lifted me into a standing position. I stared up at him as his wild, tormented eyes continued to search mine. He didn’t let go of my arms, and I didn’t even attempt to struggle against his grip. “What are you thinking, Lilah? Has your opinion of me changed now that you know?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My knees felt weak. The way people had stared at him in the restaurant, the staff fumbling over each other to make sure they pleased him. They were afraid of him. The whole city of Haven knew who Nicky Cain was. How had I missed it?
Nicky shook me a little. “Tell me, Lilah. Tell me what you’re fucking thinking.”
“Why did you tell me all that, Nicky?” I whispered.
Nicky licked his lips as he continued to watch me like a predator stalking its prey. “You threw water in my face. You demanded answers. You’ve wanted to know this whole time, and maybe I wanted to tell you. I don’t know. I debated whether or not to tell you the whole truth. Maybe if I didn’t tell you everything, I’d be protecting you in a sense. How much does someone like me tell his woman? How much of the truth changes your view of me? Just something else adding to my misery, making me lose more sleep.” He frowned and pulled me in tight against his chest. I could feel his heart beating madly, matching my own crazy rhythm. My hands were pressed against him. I buried my nose in his bare skin, sucking in a breath as I breathed in the scent of him. “Am I monster to you now? Because believe me when I say everyone else is starting to see me as creature hiding under their bed at night. And if they don’t see me as that, I intend
to push on until I’m the epitome of their deepest, darkest fears.”
“Why would you say something like that?” My face was still buried in his chest, tears now streaming down my cheeks as I continued to listen to the madness pouring from his mouth.
His hands slid up my back, his warm skin burning through the thin fabric of my silk shirt. “It’s the only way to survive. If they don’t fear you, they’ll kill you.”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
“I want to be with you, Lilah. I want to love you. I’m just not sure if I can do all that right now until all this other stuff has worked itself out.” He lifted the bottom of my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look up into those eyes again. The wild flames that had been dancing in them moments earlier seemed to have dulled back down. “The way I see it, we both have things to do. I have Carmine’s business to tend to, you have your clothing store. Distractions to get us through. I still want to be with you, Lilah. I want to come home from my distractions and use you as another kind of distraction. I need you, but I want you to be here with me out of your own free will. I trust you or I wouldn’t have told you those things, but I don’t want to come home and see fear in your eyes after dealing with it all day. I want to hear you say it, Lilah. Say what you’re thinking about me. I need to know.”
I closed my eyes as more tears escaped from them. I wasn’t sure if I could tell him the truth. He didn’t want me to be afraid of him, but I thought—no, I knew—that a part of me really did feel a certain unease around him. Everything had changed. I’d leaned against him for security after Mark. He’d taken me in and given me so much, more than I could’ve ever dreamed including the finances to build my boutique. But now I knew that my life was going to be built with dirty money. And head of the mob? How could I contend with that? “Is my life going to be in danger?”
“I’m going to protect you,” he promised, his voice now soft and full of a smoldering heat that I felt through the very core of me. “I don’t want you to worry about those things. Part of becoming a demon is that those around me, those I love, will be included in an untouchable circle. If that circle is touched, they know I’ll destroy them.”
“The way you’re talking, Nicky—a monster…a demon…”
He nodded then, his chin digging into the top of my head as he rested it against me. “How others view me, remember? Not how I want you to view me. You still haven’t told me. I’m waiting to hear it, Lilah.”
“I’m scared, Nicky,” I whispered against his skin. “But not of you.” The words had left my mouth, the first lie I’d ever told Nicky Cain. “I’m more scared of not being with you. Without you, I don’t think I could breathe.” Though that was the truth. I did need Nicky in more ways than one. He was my savior. He helped me get my life back together when it was in the lowest possible depths.
“Good girl.” He peered down at me. He wanted me—needed me. There was no mistaking that look. “I’m here now, Lilah. I’m here, and I’m yours.”
I felt the wet spot from the water go through my shirt as Nicky laid me down against the bed. He crawled on top of me, his prey now in the position he wanted it, captured and helpless against him. I leaned up and pressed my lips to his, needing to feel the human side of Nicky Cain as he needed to feel me as a release against the torments that had been burning from inside of him. We would use each other with a mutual understanding of not regretting being together in this way. I had to take Nicky Cain as he was. I had to know he belonged to me even though part of me knew his heart wasn’t completely involved. He had this innate need inside of him, and I wanted to be the one who quenched his desire. The thought that he’d turn to someone else if I wasn’t there…I couldn’t think about it. The jealousy would eat me alive. There was one thing I couldn’t push out of my mind as Nicky slowly stripped me of every ounce of clothing—tonight I wasn’t going to bed with Nicky Cain my savior. Tonight I was going to bed with Nicky Cain the demon.
FIVE
CAIN
I put the phone up to my ear. Lilah crawled off my chest and headed toward the bathroom. My eyes followed her until she shut the door behind her.
“Yeah?”
“Nicky, I just got a call.”
It was Remmy. “I’m listening.”
“From Bello.”
Shit.
“What’d he say?”
Remmy sighed into the phone. “He was wondering why we didn’t contact him directly about Carmine, why he had to find out through other connections.”
I closed my eyes for a moment before sitting up and walking out of the bedroom and into the hallway. “Were you able to cover?”
“I think so. He’s a wiry guy.”
“I know.” That’s what made me nervous about this particular deal. Wiry equaled unpredictability. I liked to know who I was dealing with and be two steps ahead of them. I pressed my left hand against the railing that overlooked the bottom floor of the house. I knew I was going to have to deal with Bello—the head of the African diamond deal—I just was hoping I could put it off for a bit longer. “Does he know about me?”
Remmy hesitated.
“Just fucking spit it out.”
“Yeah. I had to, Nicky. He was about ready to cut off ties without a leader. I had to reassure him,” Remmy rambled.
I snorted. “Like he was reassured by hearing my name.”
“He didn’t even know who you were at first. Then he remembered you.”
“Yeah, I made such a great first impression on him.”
“Listen, it’s fine. I think it’s going to be fine.”
“And now you’re trying to reassure me. Fucking great.” I laughed into the phone, but my nerves were on edge. The diamond deal was huge. It had been Carmine’s biggest move to date. It brought in a lot of money, and I didn’t want to lose it. I was depending on it—so were the other men. Losing it meant losing respect. I was working too hard right now to allow anything to slip between my fingers.
“I’m serious, Nicky,” Remmy continued. “I told him you were Carmine’s son. As shocked as he was, that actually gave him some confidence back. Now he wants to meet up.”
“Of course he does.”
“I told him I had to talk to you first.”
“Set it up,” I told him without hesitation. “It’s the only way to get this shit settled, so he can look me in the eye and find whatever the fuck it is he wants to find to make himself feel better.” I dug my fingernails into the wood of the railing before letting go of it completely. “See if he can meet today.”
“You sure about this? Don’t you want to meet with the rest of the guys and talk about what we should say to Bello?”
“And do what? Listen to Hagan go on about how he should’ve been the one on the job? No thanks. Set it up…today,” I emphasized. “Then get back to me. The Triplets need to come with us if he does want to meet. I’m not taking any chances with those fuckers.”
“Okay.” Remmy’s tone said something different though. He didn’t want to set it up, but he would. He had no choice.
I put the phone in my pocket and turned around to find Lilah putting earrings in and smelling sweet as she attempted to pass by me to get down the stairs.
“You look nice,” I told her, admiring the flowy top and short skirt ensemble that accentuated her gorgeous long legs.
“Thanks.” She smiled, leaning in for me to kiss her on the cheek.
“You leaving?”
“Yeah. I have to get to the building. Victoria is meeting me.”
I smirked. “Of course. Victoria.” It had been a few days since I’d told Lilah about what was really going on. Neither one of us had mentioned it again. If she was now wary about me, she didn’t let it show. If anything, it seemed to empower her a little bit more. She tried to walk around me again, but I reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her into me. “So did you decide on naming the business Cain Designs then?”
Lilah’s perfume drifted into my nostrils as I inhaled dee
ply. She looked up at me, her glossy pink lips almost touching mine. “Yes.”
“Oh, really?” Well, that was amusing to hear. “”Don’t tell me it’s because I’ve helped you with it, that you’re doing it as a favor, because if that’s your reason, I don’t want it. This is your dream, baby.”
Lilah chuckled and pulled away from me. She leaned against the railing and crossed her arms in front of her. “Actually no, I had more selfish reasons than that.”
I nodded. “That’s what I thought you were getting at. Using me as a means to create more business opportunities?”
Her grin widened. “Is that so wrong?”
I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her again. “At least you didn’t try to bullshit me by saying you were doing it for me.”
“I would never try to bullshit you, babe.”
“Uh-huh.”
Lilah’s lips grazed mine. “Meet me for dinner tonight?”
If I don’t get my head blown off by Bello before then. “Sounds good. Have a good day.”
“You too.” She smiled again as she gave me an even deeper kiss with her tongue swiping across my bottom lip before turning around to go down the stairs.
I waited until the front door closed before returning to my room and retrieving my phone again. It had been a while since I’d talked to my cousin, Stan. I owed him this phone call. He was like a brother to me, and since moving to Haven, I felt like I’d neglected him entirely. We hadn’t seen each other since my mother’s funeral. I thought about exactly what it was I was going to say to him. No matter how many times I thought about it in my head, it just wasn’t coming out like I wanted it to. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I hoped he was still on my side no matter what. There’s something entirely nerve-racking about calling a brother who grew up with you, who knew you inside and out, had raised hell with you, had gotten caught with you, and who stood by you at all costs. Maybe it was the fear of rejection. Stan knew who I was in Lazerne. A lot had changed since then. I had a lot of explaining to do. I didn’t know how he was going to take all of my newly found fortune and fame.