I met Clara’s gaze. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but it makes me feel happy.”
Clara leaned back in her seat as the opening credits of Aladdin rolled on the screen. “Well, you’re self-destructive. But you don’t need me to tell you that, do you?”
“I don’t.” We sat quietly, biting into our stale nachos. I rested my head on the back of the seat.
I tilted my head toward Clara. “There’s no trust between me and him. He could up and run anytime he wants. All he cares about is what he wants, and his likes and his life. And his goals! You know that. He’s always been that way.”
“Well, not always.”
“Excuse me?” I almost bolted out of my seat. “You’re defending him now?”
“I’m not defending him. I’m just saying. He used to be pretty decent before his mom ran away from home. So did his dad. I don’t fully blame the guy. Maybe it’s a self-preservation tactic? Just like you, he arms himself with all these barriers to feeling anything real because he has his demons.”
“I can’t afford to let him in. I have Anna to think about.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” I could feel her hot breath on my ear as she murmured. “Isn’t Anna curious about her dad? At all?”
“I hit the jackpot there. She doesn’t care. We’ve had the whole ‘who is my dad’ discussion. I told her he was a friend, and she didn’t ask to meet him or see him or anything. She’s happy. Calm and content.”
“Wonder where she got that from. Not Jax. And definitely not you.”
“Thanks. You always say the most wonderful things about me.”
Clara chuckled and got up. “I need to use the restroom. Hold my nachos.”
I stared at the screen, wincing as I shifted in my seat. I’d been stupid, and I had the scratches on my back and butt to prove it. Fucking Jax was always going to be a mistake. The ache between my legs wouldn’t let me forget him.
Somebody that was too tall to be Clara sat in the empty seat beside me.
I tilted my head, my breath catching my throat. “What are you doing?”
Jax stared at me insolently. “I’m watching Aladdin.”
“That’s not your seat.”
“It is now.” He leaned forward, beaming at Anna from across my lap. “Hey, Anna.”
Anna waved at Jax, smiling.
I took a moment to let that exchange sink in. “Whatever it is, Jax, it can wait. We can talk later.”
“I’m not here to talk. This is a movie date.”
“Pfff.”
He cocked a brow cheekily. I bristled at his utterly annoying level of self-confidence.
He didn’t seem bothered by the negativity I was broadcasting. He stole a nacho off my tray and took a bite. “Stale.”
“I know.”
A smile curved his chiseled, perfect lips. He was so close, and it was dark. The light only illuminated all the hard planes of his face, his sharp straight nose, his lips.
I peeled my stubborn gaze away from his face. “You’re making me feel awkward.”
“I’m just sitting here stealing nachos.”
I glanced up as Clara halted next to Jax, confused.
“Hi, Clara. It’s good to see you.” He handed her a ticket.
I waited for Clara to give Jax a well-deserved telling-off. I even gave her a long-suffering look that was supposed to convey the fact that I was miserable and she needed to get Jax away from me.
She ignored my SOS and grinned at Jax like he was her best friend before taking off to find her new seat.
“What’s going on? Did you pay her off or something?”
He chuckled. “Nope. I think you pissed her off or something. Now Shhh. I want to watch the movie. Stop talking.”
Two hours later, Clara was nowhere to be found. She wasn’t replying to my messages, and I was walking down the street with Anna and Jax as they chattered on about the movie and their favorite scenes. Nonstop.
“I really want to come watch this again,” Anna said.
“Let’s do it, then. We can do this again this Friday. You and me.”
Anna glanced at me. “Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I come watch Aladdin again with Jax?”
“Jax will probably go back to Seattle by then.”
“I haven’t decided when I’ll go back. Not yet.”
“But there’s a high chance you might have to go.” I glared at him to make him stop.
Anna’s golden eyes flickered at me, toward Jax, then back at me.
“You know, Anna, if I do go to Seattle, I’ll fly you and your mom there to watch Aladdin again. I’ll keep my promise.”
I ground my teeth together. “Jax, stop it!”
Anna grimaced. “I think you’re hungry, Mom. You always get cranky when you’re hungry.”
Jax’s laugh resounded in the night. “I like you, Anna. Let’s go grab a pizza and feed this monster.”
Anna’s hopeful eyes met mine. She was having fun, and she wanted the evening to last. Jax was, in many ways, still a child. There was an air of chill, unworried charisma about him.
Adulthood had scarred me already, the bitch. But it hadn’t touched Jax. He was living the good life: no family, no attachments, all travel and fun and parties. So while Jax and Anna hit it off like two peas in a pod, I was the grumpy old parent who wouldn’t let them do what they wanted to do.
Nope.
“Pizza it is.” I smiled brightly to shake the cranky title off me as quickly as possible.
Anna hurried into Joey’s Pizza, and Jax nudged my arm playfully. “Is this place any good?”
“It’s fine.”
We spent the next two hours chatting about Anna’s plays and the electric skateboard she wanted for her birthday. Happy, worry-free conversation. I felt left out and hated it.
Jax and Anna were good company. But I was still uptight and scared.
Scared of being hurt. Of being disappointed. It was hard to break out of the cycle. It had been years since I’d had anyone to take care of me, or worry about me.
I was the worrier. And I couldn’t just snap out of it now. It was part of me.
As the three us sat laughing and chatting, fear churned in my stomach.
We looked like a family. In many ways, we were one. And that scared the shit out of me.
20
Jax
I knew exactly why Liv found it hard to be cordial with me.
All the progress I’d made with her plummeted with the damn headline in the newspaper.
The press was now having a field day with the whole high school sweetheart angle.
Despite what she was hell-bent on believing, she needed me. She needed me to fuck her. And she also wanted to tell me to fuck off.
She couldn’t bring herself to do either. Nostalgia was a bitch, and she was drowning in it.
So was I. Both of us knew that this relationship—if we could even call it one—could go nowhere.
It was time I put her mind at rest. It was important to talk it all out so Liv could stop being so frantic about a future she could no longer control.
I knew Liv had Monday mornings off work. I put my plan “Conflict Resolution” in motion. At eleven a.m., knowing Anna would be at school, I put on the best shirt I’d brought with me from Seattle, a blue button-down. Got my jeans out of the wash and ironed them for the first time in forever.
It was time. I was making my way across her front yard, which was wild with angry bushes and weeds sprouting everywhere. I spotted the garden two houses down. A lush, green patch of ground, flower beds framing the green in overflowing bursts of color. Perfect.
I walked over to the house with the pretty garden and rang the bell. My old high school teacher, Mrs. Clarence, stepped out. I recognized her instantly.
“Hello, Mrs. Clarence. It’s really good to see you.”
She peered at me from over her spectacles, and I could tell when she placed me.
“I see you have a wonderful garden
here. Would you mind terribly if I take some flowers?”
“Of course, Jax Decker. Of course you can. Just not the red ones, please.”
Five minutes later, I was back at Liv’s front door, tapping with my knuckle.
She opened the door with that same distressed, confused expression on her face. The one that hadn’t receded since she and I had sex. But she wore the most beautiful pink sundress I’d ever seen. Her face free of makeup, she looked dewy and well-rested. I wanted to fucking eat her up.
Clenching my jaw, I tried to stifle my sudden burst of lust and handed her the flowers. “For you.”
She made a face. “I know you stole them from Mrs. Clarence’s house.”
I chuckled, squeezing my way past the little space in the doorway. I ignored the way she stared at me and made myself comfortable on the living room couch. “I asked her if could take them. Mrs. Clarence assured me I could, but only if I was going to present them to Liv to woo her. She said I could take them all. Even the red ones!”
That made her chuckle. She shook her head and rested her hip on the armrest of the couch. “That’s a lie. She hates people touching her reds.”
“Is that all you got from what I said?”
She lifted a brow. “Do you want me to address the wooing Liv part? Shall I gush with happiness and break into an impromptu song and dance number? Fall to my knees at your feet and beg you for a treat, perhaps?”
I froze. So did she. Wrong choice of words, Liv. Judging from the flash of annoyance in her eyes, she was picturing the same image I was. Liv on her knees. My cock in her mouth.
She bolted off the armrest and stuffed the flowers into a waterless vase. “Did you need something, Jax?”
“Liv, can’t we just be friends?”
“We are friends.”
“Yeah, but can you forgive me?”
She stiffened. “Forgive you?”
“Yeah.”
“For what, exactly?”
“Everything. I should’ve taken responsibility for us not doing what we did.”
“Fucking.”
“I didn’t want to come off as crude.”
“You are crude,” she announced calmly.
“No argument here. If you’d like me to ensure what happened never happens again, I’ll do it. But you and I both know it’s what we both wanted. Even if I lacked the restraint to keep my hands off you.”
“So what’s your grand solution here? Should we go to my bedroom now and continue where we left off?”
I chuckled, trying to keep her calm and the discussion zero conflict. I took her hands, even though she looked extremely rigid, almost as if she cringed at my touch. “Since you’ll just push me away the more we fuck, we’ll just commit to not making that mistake again.”
“Sure, is that all you needed to take responsibility for?”
Some stubbornness inside me snapped. I wanted to make her happy.
“I’m sorry, Liv. I’m sorry. I was stupid and childish, and I was just trying to escape my life here. My scholarship gave me a chance to do that. Put everything behind me and start fresh. I was a dick in the way I did it. I didn’t want to leave you, but I also didn’t think about going to college in terms of leaving you. But that’s no excuse.”
“I don’t blame you for going to college. I don’t. I don’t expect you to apologize.”
“It’s okay, you can expect me to apologize. Let me. I didn’t realize back then how selfish I was being. Maybe I should’ve told you earlier, prepared you for it. I assumed you knew we were over. Hell, I owe you so much.”
“You don’t,” she said dejectedly.
Without thinking, I cupped her face between my palms. My heart thudded savagely as I held her face up and looked into her bright green, confused eyes.
“You’re a good mom, and I’m so glad you are Anna’s mother. I’m falling for Anna,” I admitted sheepishly, chuckling. “It’s hard not to. She’s an amazing kid, and you have everything to do with it. Can I help out in any way?”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I owe you child support for ten years.”
She turned away, shaking her head vehemently. “Anna is mine.”
The cold finality of that statement and the way she turned her face away made me feel like I’d lost a game I hadn’t even known I was playing. “We’re on the same team here, Liv.”
“And which team is that?” she challenged, looking like the sweet stubborn eighteen-year-old that was my first love.
I grinned. “I want to take care of you. I want you to be happy.”
Instead of being even slightly confronted by that statement, she shut down before my eyes. Then she walked toward the kitchen as if putting some physical distance between us was imperative for her to maintain her sanity.
I sighed. “Just talk to me.”
“I have nothing to say. Stop making these crazy-ass promises you can’t keep.”
“What are you talking about?”
She whirled around, her hair flicking her cheek. “You’re a child. You’re immensely overgrown, but you’re impulsive. You believe you can make whatever decision you want without having to consider anyone else in the equation. I’m sick of you trying to make room in my life, then leaving it hollow and empty when you bail.”
“I don’t want to be a parent to Anna because you don’t want me to be one. I could give it a shot, but you’re not giving me the option, are you?”
“A shot.” She laughed. “That’s really epic. You want to have a shot at being a dad. Everything is temporary. A means for your amusement. Being a father isn’t all I’ll give it a shot and see if it works,” she mimicked in a heavy voice. “This is why I don’t want to let you in. I can’t do this anymore. The arguing. I’m done.”
I pushed my hands into my pants pockets. I was hell-bent on making progress with Liv. Even though she was clearly hell-bent on not making it easy for me.
“Look at me, Liv.”
She was surprised by the calm in my voice and turned around.
“Just because we fucked doesn’t mean you get to keep ranting at me.”
She had the grace to look a little embarrassed.
“You wanted me. You can lash out all you want because I’m the only one here who’s willing to take it, but you know you wanted me. You kissed me in the kitchen, when all of this was set in motion. You followed me home and joined me in the shower. You kissed me back on the trail. You wanted to stay there with me. And I know fucking well you want to fuck my brains out right now.”
At the last sentence, her eyes dipped to my lips. “I don’t want you anymore.”
The feeble, almost hushed whisper broke my heart. I shook my head, smoothing a wayward strand of hair off her cheek. Unable to stop myself, I leaned down to peck her lips. She gasped, and her lips parted.
“Let me make you a promise,” I whispered an inch from her lips, kissing her top lip briefly. “Dammit, this is hard. I want you. I want you so badly, but I promise you. Even if you kiss me, even if you pull me close and tell me you want my dick in you, I won’t do it.”
Her green eyes widened in disbelief.
“I’ve figured it out. You’re not mad at me. You’re mad at yourself for being unable to keep your hands off me. You don’t trust yourself. Well, trust me. I’ll take full responsibility for saving you from you.”
I released her. For a moment, I thought she was going to grab my shirt and pull me back. She also looked like she was about to cry.
I didn’t understand this woman.
How could she want me so badly, yet push me away so vehemently at the same time?
My cock hard in my pants, I did what I had to do to keep my insane promise to her. I walked out the front door and back to Dad’s house.
21
Liv
Love Conquers All
Decker Chooses Pizza Joint Dates Over Party Lifestyle
It creeped me out. The constant updated review of my life was proof there were people foll
owing me around, an eye on my every move.
The news piece included a photo taken from outside Joey’s Pizza. Through the window, the three of us looked like a happy family.
I had to stop myself from wanting that to become reality.
It didn’t help that for the last three days, he was all I could think about.
I wanted him with a vengeance.
The papers raving about Jax Decker’s relationship with his high school sweetheart made things harder. Reporters were printing all sorts of bullshit that wasn’t true, but that still stenciled out a life that could’ve been.
In another life, in another time. It made me pine for the man even more.
The furor over Jax’s Bellevue party catastrophe was replaced by fans raving about his relationship with the girl next door. His image had gotten a well-deserved overhaul.
Thanks to the media rush over his “new relationship,” I got a firsthand glimpse into what Jax’s life was all about. Note to self: never believe what the newspapers said about celebrities. It was all muck.
Every revelation by so-called “close friends” were lies the journalists spun out during the time it took to take a dump.
During the last five days, since the first news about my relationship with Jax hit the stands, we’d apparently been sleeping over at one another’s homes. I had gone wedding dress shopping and was now planning a destination wedding in Naples. I was also, apparently, selling my bakery and committing myself to the star running back as his devoted housewife.
Jax must have been rolling in laughter at all these developments. Or maybe that was just me. Jax didn’t even seem to care about the news. He seemed immune to all the bullshit by now.
I was grateful, though, that reporters had failed to figure out Jax’s connection to Anna. That was a blessing. The last thing I wanted was Anna dragged into this sparkly controversy.
Fingers crossed, Jax was going to make good use of this positive press. Pack up and leave.
Soon.
Since Anna was at Casey’s house having a sleepover, I had way too much free time on my hands. A free mind is where Satan resides. I could testify to that. I was pacing the living room floor, a magnetic tug pulling me toward Jax. He was right next door. So close. I was so confused. Why did I feel totally out of control where he was concerned?
Baby's Daddy: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 13