“Liv, it’s not what it looks like.”
I gaped at him in disbelief. “Really, you’re throwing that back at me?”
“I know what you heard in there. Believe it or not, I did not intend to use you as a PR ploy.”
“That’s not true, and you know it.”
“Liv, come on! Yesterday, I asked you about the guy at the bookstore, and you didn’t want to deal with that. Now you don’t want to talk about this. What are you getting out of letting it all fester? You were the one who was all about communication earlier. Where’s the communication now? How about you tell me what’s up with Mr. Business Suit at the bookstore, and I’ll tell you what’s up with Diane and Mark?”
I bit my lower lip, fighting the tears that threatened to spill in front of Jax. “I don’t have anything to say. You’ve tried and sentenced me for being a cheater.”
“What do you want me to think with the guy smiling at you like a lovesick jerk and looking at your mouth like he wanted to eat it. It’s fucking killing me!”
“What do you want me to say? Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you the one advocating about the right to make decisions without caring how it affected other people?”
“That’s bullshit.” He was upset now. “You put me in a situation that completely fucks with my values.”
I wanted the conversation over. “Let’s get the facts right, shall we? You landed in my life with no warning. Regardless of your high and mighty expectations, my life cannot and will not come to a complete halt to accommodate you. You’re leaving anyway. There’s no way in hell we’re surviving a long-distance relationship. What the fuck do you care?”
“I care. I care because I cannot fathom cheating. Even if I am the one bestowed with the honor of being the guy you’re cheating on him with. You made me the bad guy.”
My mouth dropped open. Jax wasn’t kidding. He believed I was dating two men at the same time. Without thinking, I blurted out a detail that Jax didn’t even have to know. “Greg proposed to me three months ago.”
“It keeps getting worse, doesn’t it.” He laughed. “Jesus. Now you’re an engaged woman.”
He was seething. But at the same time, he also looked like he wanted to break down.
It triggered something inside me. A need to offer an explanation. I didn’t want to hurt Jax. I never wanted to hurt Jax, no matter what he did to me. I was twisted and crazy in my senseless love for him, and I couldn’t help it.
“I never agreed to marry Greg. I told him no.”
He paused, his chest rising and falling as he searched my face for something else.
“I was happy alone. With Anna. And then you came!”
His gaze snapped to my face.
“You sneaked your way back into my life like a fast-spreading fungus!”
“A fungus? Really?”
“Yeah. There was no reprieve from you. You were intruding in my life and walking in on me while I was naked. You moved in next door. You forced me to drive you around like an imbecile. Everything got a little overwhelming.”
His brows came together. “Overwhelming? You raised a baby on you own. You fucking drove yourself to the hospital to deliver her, on your own, then you drove back without any help.”
Was he trying to fight me? Or was that praise?
“You set up a business on your own without a college degree to your name. You kicked ass, and that’s what overwhelms you? Men!”
I grated my teeth. Not men. You! You! The voice screamed inside me, but I didn’t say it out loud. “It’s always you that makes me lose my mind and do crazy things. I’m no saint. Sometimes I do stupid things. As if you’ve never done the same?”
He stepped closer, his eyes dark. “Now what?”
I shrugged. “What are you referring to?”
“What are your plans now? He’s back.” He grated his teeth. “Your Greg.” His voice faltered, self-doubt lingering on his handsome, over-confident face. “What now? He doesn’t know what’s going on. Are you planning a coin toss to decide?”
I bit my lip. Jax looked like he was in physical pain.
His voice dropped. “Do I get Thursdays through Sundays and he gets the other three days?”
“Don’t be crude!” I snapped. “I’m not dating anyone. I’m not dating him.”
“Good!”
That cocky self-confidence again. “And I’m not dating you either, Mr. Decker. I heard what your minions said in there. My job is done. You can go back to Bellevue to your lakefront home and have the biggest pool party full of naked women. This is the perfect opportunity to outdo your last party.”
“You really think that’s all you were? A PR ploy?”
“Wasn’t I?”
He shook his head no, slowly and pointedly.
I didn’t believe him. “You should go. Diane and Mark came all the way here to get you.”
“You really want to get rid of me, don’t you?”
I shrugged and pinned my best smile to my face, even though my insides cringed at letting him believe the lie. “Do you blame me? You make me irrational and crazy, and I don’t like this version of me. It’s a dead-end being with you. I don’t want to be miserable and afraid of when you’ll dump me again. I won’t give you that power. You have your answer, Jax. I can’t give you a second chance. I don’t have anything for you.”
26
Jax
I pushed the platinum cufflinks in place and reached for my jacket.
I even looked different in Seattle. Diane had been so right when she’d noticed the change.
Now I was back in my own habitat. The new one I’d built for myself.
Fuck me. It felt like I didn’t belong anymore.
I wanted to curse Liv for making me feel out of place in Seattle. But it was all on me. I’d been the one who couldn’t let go of her. Not even a month after being back in Seattle.
My housekeeper was dusting the dining table when I made my way out of the house. I couldn’t help but glance around at the contemporary interior of my Bellevue mansion. I’d been at home here. Now I felt like it was too big a place. What was the point of it if I had to live here alone?
It felt like ages ago that I’d last been here. But it hadn’t been that long. My forced exile to Ashland had screwed with everything.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I got into the back of my car and looked out the window. My driver knew where to take me. That was one thing about my Seattle life: it worked like a well-oiled machine. I had people who did my every bidding, without even being told what to do. The processes were in place, and people followed them without question.
I didn’t like it anymore.
It was too perfect. There was no dysfunction. That’s what I’d initially run from when I was eighteen—dysfunction. But I was beginning to feel like the lack of it meant…boring.
There was no disruption. No surprises. A seamless process that went on without fail and took me along with it.
Snap out of it.
I arrived at the fundraiser at the Fairmont. As expected, reporters yelled out “Liv Garner” and “high school sweetheart” and “fairy tale romance” at me. I strode ahead, shutting my heart and my mouth, my jaw set in stone.
It was bad enough that I couldn’t spend a moment without missing Liv. These assholes wouldn’t let me forget her.
Fairytale romance with your high school sweetheart. As if such a thing even existed. We were two different people, Liv and I, and the sooner I accepted that brutal, painful fact, the sooner I could get on with my wonderful life.
Wonderful.
What a hollow, shitty word.
Nothing would ever be wonderful again. Because even as I stepped into the crowd of money and privilege and power, a world that I had become part of, I dreaded the lonely place I called home.
I felt lost. Home didn’t feel like home. I didn’t want to feel like I’d been chucked away like trash. I wanted my past delusions of contentment to return. So I could shove Liv and
Anna out of my mind.
For a moment, I returned to that night I’d spent on Anna’s bedroom floor.
But a hand sliding onto my forearm made me lurch right out of my reverie. I turned to see Viola Reyes, the stunning brunette who had Hollywood’s biggest films under her belt. We’d had a wild night in Paris a year ago. I hadn’t seen her since.
Pretend that you’re happy in this frivolous crowd.
Pretend that you still belong.
You might start believing it.
“Jax Decker, I hear that your high school romance didn’t play out like you’d hoped.”
I smiled at how she didn’t beat about the bush. “You go straight for the jugular, don’t you?”
She grinned sexily. “Always. It’s the most effective. Also, really hot.”
“Happy endings only exist in Hollywood.”
Sympathy flashed in her brown eyes. I thought she didn’t realize I was pining for my high school romance. Now she knew.
“Don’t feel bad for me. I couldn’t be happier to be back. Single.”
Soulless. Empty.
She smiled her perfect white smile. “I’m happy to hear that. ’Cause I could use a little bit of that single tonight.”
The flirtation was hard to miss. Viola was nothing if not blunt.
Her hand slid over my arm, clutching my hand. I spent the next two hours grating my teeth as the fundraiser wore on. Thousands of dollars of champagne sipped by those who were born to the lavish lifestyle. Chatting about jewels and their latest home renovation, but all coming together to raise money for a cause, some nonprofit set up by the elite. They generously gave away their money while their suits undoubtedly cost more than the entire donation itself.
To think, I hadn’t ever considered how completely twisted the mechanism was.
I leaned close to Viola and stroked the knuckles that had been on my arm since she came to greet me. “I think I’m going to head back home.”
She pouted then bit her lower lip. “Why don’t you drop me off at my place? Or maybe even yourself?”
Half an hour later, I walked behind Viola into the private elevator leading up to the penthouse at the Stonewall Tower in Seattle.
Viola’s hands slid around my waist, under my jacket. She leaned up on her toes.
I caught her soft lips in mine before catching her upper lip between my teeth.
Her hands slid over my ass, squeezing it, digging her nails into it.
I felt nothing.
I clenched my eyes shut, cupping her face passionately as I tilted my head. Trying to summon my old insatiable sex drive back. The one that let me fuck any woman who touched me.
The elevator doors opened. I broke the kiss and pulled Viola into the lush, spectacular penthouse. I scanned my surroundings to figure out where her bedroom was located.
She drew back, sexily undoing the flimsy clasp at the back of her dress. Her dress fell off, revealing full, firm breasts. She had to shove the bodice of the dress down the curve of her hips.
Viola, in perfect, surgically enhanced nakedness.
I froze.
What the fuck am I doing?
I didn’t even want to fuck her. Sure, my cock was now hard. But that was a biological response to the fact that she was hot for me and she was standing right there waiting for me to fuck her.
What I was about to do her was a mechanical thing. Like mating. In animals.
I was no animal.
I didn’t feel anything for her.
Grating my teeth, I stormed forward, shrugging out of my jacket and flinging it on the couch. I cupped her ass in both hands as I bit her lower lip, closing my eyes to feel.
Feel the hot passion I used to feel.
It had to be there somewhere.
But behind my closed eyelids, I saw Liv. Her naturally pretty face free of makeup, her cheeks flushed as she gasped in response to my kisses. Her head flailing on the pillow as she came for me over and over. Her arms lifting up to clutch the headboard. Biting her lip as she fought to stay in place and not be shoved several inches up the mattress with every thrust of my cock.
I released Viola so abruptly that she stumbled backward.
I scanned her face. The hot flush on her cheeks, her voluptuous body ready to be taken.
It was a chore, and it was exhausting me before I even began the deed.
Wordlessly, I picked up my jacket. “I’m sorry, Viola. I just realized I have to be home early.”
I was in the elevator by the time she recovered.
“What happened?”
She clutched her dress to her breasts, her coiffed hair messy.
“I’m sorry.”
The doors closed between us. I squeezed my temples with my hand and leaned my head against the back wall of the elevator. “Fuck.”
I was officially ruined.
I couldn’t get Liv out of my head. I couldn’t bear to fuck another woman. Viola might be there, but I couldn’t feel anything.
There was no spark. No passion. The hot connection that came with a kiss wasn’t there. I didn’t want to go through the mechanics of sex just for the heck of it.
It would be an orgasm. And hell, I could have one of those at home. Maybe.
I wanted to be better than this. It was this stupidity and frivolity and rootless behavior with no fear of consequences, and all focus on gratification, that made Liv terrified of being with me.
Now that I was back in Seattle, I saw things pretty damned clearly.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what Brodey had said about her: “Liv is way out of my league, man.”
I believed that about myself too.
I was just a lucky bastard who had had the privilege of being with Liv, of having her love me and sleep with me.
But Liv was way out of my damned league.
I strode out of the elevator, through the lobby of the elite apartment building, and found Mark leaning against my car.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was looking for you, and I spotted your car.”
“Yeah, I forgot you live here.” I wasn’t in the mood to talk to Mark. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. “Whatever it is, it can wait till morning.”
“Jax, Marissa Alan has sent a special request for an interview with you.”
I grimaced. “What does she want with me? She interviews politicians. Oscar and Nobel Prize winners.”
“That’s right. But she wants to talk to you about your colorful life.”
I lifted a brow. “My colorful life. You mean my personal life with Liv?”
“It’s great exposure. You have no idea of the endorsement deals Diane is expecting after you do this interview with Marissa. We’re talking the biggest leagues in the world.”
“Honestly, I don’t give a shit.”
I pulled the door open and Mark clutched it, preventing me from getting in. “What are you talking about?”
My eyes blazed shards at him. “I’m not going on the biggest show on national television to talk about Liv. Do you get me? That’s nonnegotiable.”
He bristled at my tone, but I didn’t give a fuck. Mark was ambitious, his own success directly dependent on mine. He was always ready to do anything to get me that much higher on the success ladder.
“Think about it.”
“There’s no way I’m bringing up Liv’s name in an interview. Let alone giving an interview that’s sole purpose is that I talk about my relationship with her.”
“Listen, be reasonable. I get that you feel something for her. But you broke up. Okay, you know what? Don’t use her name. Everyone knows it anyway. I think we can negotiate something where her name isn’t—”
“I won’t do it, man.”
“What the fuck? What’s the problem if her name is kept out of the whole damned interview?”
I set my frigid stare on his face. “Despite what you think, I don’t owe you a fucking explanation for anything I do. I do what I want to do, and you can watch me.”
/> Mark took a step back, and I berated myself for going too far. Mark was my friend, and I was taking my love life frustration out on him. Not fair.
I clutched his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. “I won’t talk about Liv, because if I talk about Liv, her life gets even more disrupted than it is now. It makes even bigger news when reporters start digging into her life, and they find out Anna is my daughter.”
Marks brows furrowed. “Wait. Who is your daughter? You have a daughter?”
“Liv’s daughter is mine. I can’t turn Anna’s life upside down just so I can cash in a few extra bucks or get bigger endorsements. It’s a no go. And Mark,” I added through clenched teeth. “I don’t want to discuss this ever again.”
I slid into my car and slammed the door shut. Leaning my head against the headrest, I said nothing as my driver took me home.
I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back to Ashland. But Liv didn’t want me there. She’d made it clear. Maybe she really wanted to marry that Greg guy and didn’t want to admit it.
Liv doesn’t need you. She managed just fine for a decade. What makes you think she wants you now?
I might have grown sick and tired of hearing her tell me to get the fuck out of Ashland. But she had meant it every time. I just hadn’t been willing to accept it.
Greg was probably a much better guy. Not probably, definitely a better guy for Liv.
You didn’t set the bar very high, did you? You wreaked havoc in her life and broke her heart.
I wished I could call Anna and hear her voice. But that would be crazy awkward. Anna didn’t even know I was her dad. That’s how Liv wanted it, and I was ready to give her anything. I owed her too much. Liv always had the final say.
I loved Liv with a vengeance. And it was a once in a lifetime kind of love.
She was special. I’d been stupid and too late in seeing it.
Now I knew. I’d move hell and earth for her.
Even if I destroyed myself in the process.
27
Liv
“What the—”
I leaned closer to the steering wheel to get a closer look. I couldn’t turn into my own damned driveway. There were about twenty people scattered all over my front yard.
Baby's Daddy: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 17