“Since you weren’t going to be here on Thursdays anymore, I decided to go to the dollar movie on Thursday nights.”
“I never said I wouldn’t be here on Thursdays anymore.”
“Well, you missed a couple of Thursdays last month, too, and the month before. What’s the point of my cooking a good meal if you’re not here to eat it?”
“I should have called, and I’ll try in the future, but,” he said more loudly, “you just jumped to a conclusion and never said anything to me about it.”
“You’re enraged with me.”
“I’m not enraged. I wish you could hear what I’m saying.”
“You’re raising your voice. You’re angry.”
He deliberately made his voice quieter. “I’m just frustrated.”
“You just care about your stomach. If I’m not here to serve you, you’re unhappy. Never mind that I was waiting for you those other Thursdays without any idea where you were.”
“I’m sorry you were left hanging. That was thoughtless of me.”
“You are thoughtless. What about my birthday? We did what you wanted to do.”
“I made a mistake on your birthday. I missed your hints that you wanted a party.”
“You get all caught up in your own mind and you don’t hear me. You just go off in your own direction, never mind what I’m really saying.”
“I did hear you saying that you missed your sister,” he said, a little louder. “I thought inviting them out to dinner with us and surprising you with that and going to your favorite restaurant was paying attention to you.”
“I wasn’t missing her that much. You’re yelling at me.”
“I’m not yelling. I am raising my voice because I’m frustrated.”
“You are yelling. You’re really angry.”
“Well, I am angry. No, I’m not really angry. But I’m so frustrated. You block everything I say.”
“Okay, I’m always wrong. It was my birthday. I think I know what I wanted.”
He shook his head. His brains were jangling. “I need to think a minute.”
“You want me to do all the changing. You want it all your way. Without giving anything back.”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t give back. I give in my way but you don’t seem to notice it.”
“You don’t notice what I give.”
James shook his head and gave up. He raised his hands and walked away.
“Okay, walk away,” she taunted him. “Don’t finish an argument.”
• • •
Are you tied in knots just reading this? It’s hard to witness a fight like this, even harder to be caught in one. Yet couples can tangle in this kind of argument for hours, getting themselves into deeper and deeper trouble.
I’m using this couple’s situation only as an example. Anyone can behave defensively in any sort of relationship. The point of this chapter is not to imply that only couples run into defensiveness, but to demonstrate many different types of defensive reactions, their effect on communication, and various ways of handling them.
Let’s autopsy the Keystones’ conversation and identify the defenses.
“Allie, I need to talk about something important.”
“What.” Her tone was angry. She was like a cat arching her back.
Allie’s anger is already a defense. Of course, we naturally feel angry in response to all sorts of situations, but here, Allie is angry before she even knows what the issue is. Anger before a conversation has even started can be an attempt to control the other person. It can be a way of saying, “I’m going to try stopping you before you even start. Back off. If you confront me I’ll be angry at you.”
What’s an appropriate response when someone indicates that they have an important message for you? To take it seriously. You may feel frightened or in the wrong or angry or concerned with your own important issues with them, but so long as they are using their energy or courage to deal with a significant matter, heads up. Pay attention.
“You withdraw yourself from me when I displease you, or you take something away from me, and it’s starting to affect how I feel about us. I want to talk about it. This is very important to me.”
“Be specific, James. Give me an example.”
We can be blind to our own patterns. Allie is appropriate in asking for an example. Even though such a question could be a defense designed to convert the issue into evidence that can be torn apart, James is right to honor this request by reporting examples.
As we’ll see, however, Allie is setting him up. With every example, she argues with him. When the responder exploits examples, the initiator will, over time, stop giving them.
“All right. Thursday, last month, I stayed at the club after my golf game and got home later than usual. Since then, you haven’t fixed supper on a Thursday.”
“Since you weren’t going to be here on Thursdays anymore, I decided to go to the dollar movie on Thursday nights.”
This turns out to be a good example. This incident illustrates James’s issue exactly. His lateness displeased her, so she stopped providing dinner on Thursday. Allie’s response is to miss the point and to argue the example instead of the issue.
Missing the point is a defense of misdirection. While you are talking about the trees, I’m going to pretend that this conversation is about geography. A clever defender takes a tack that is close enough to fool the initiator into thinking that the real issue is being addressed.
“I never said I wouldn’t be here on Thursdays anymore.”
“Well, you missed a couple of Thursdays last month, too, and the month before. What’s the point of my cooking a good meal if you’re not here to eat it?”
“I should have called, and I’ll try in the future, but you just jumped to a conclusion and never said anything to me about it.”
James had gotten pulled into the defense. He’s arguing about Thursdays and has abandoned his original issue. He’s now sidetracked into getting Allie to see that she jumped to a conclusion.
“You’re enraged with me.”
“I’m not enraged. I wish you could hear what I’m saying.”
“You’re raising your voice. You’re angry.”
“I’m just frustrated.”
Allie accuses James of a feeling he’s not having. This defense is usually very effective in sidetracking the initiator. In the very act of defending himself against her accusation, he starts moving toward being angry.
Anger is funny in this way. You can feel calm and clear, and then when someone accuses you of being angry, even though you weren’t angry a second before, suddenly you do start feeling angry. As a defense it works like a charm.
A good response to this defense is to acknowledge the anger and then go right back to the original point. If you get lost in an argument about whether or not you are angry or when your anger started, the defender wins. You are now on the defensive, and the original issue is history.
For example, you might say, “I’m angry now. I wasn’t a second ago. But as I was saying . . .”
“You’re enraged with me.”
“I’m not enraged. I wish you could hear what I’m saying.”
“You’re raising your voice. You’re angry.”
“I’m just frustrated.”
“You just care about your stomach. If I’m not here to serve you, you’re unhappy. Never mind that I was waiting for you those other Thursdays without any idea where you were.”
When we look at these sentences altogether, we see that Allie attacks James four times in a row. Offense is a good defense. He’s scrambling to respond to each attack. He’s wearing down and beginning to see himself as being in the wrong.
“I’m sorry you were left hanging. That was thoughtless of me.”
Ordinarily, it’s a positive thing in a conflict to be able to see the other person’s side. In this case, though, by getting more into her perspective, James is losing touch, bit by bit, with his own point. The focus is shifting from him to
her. Gradually, she is becoming more powerful, and he is sliding into a one-down position.
She takes his admission and runs with it, putting him further into the wrong. Then she moves him into yet another issue. He is now quite a distance from his original concern.
“You are thoughtless. What about my birthday? We did what you wanted to do.”
“I made a mistake on your birthday. I missed your hints that you wanted a party.”
“You get all caught up in your own mind and you don’t hear me. You just go off in your own direction, never mind what I’m really saying.”
“I did hear you saying that you missed your sister. I thought inviting them out to dinner with us and surprising you with that and going to your favorite restaurant was paying attention to you.”
“I wasn’t missing her that much.”
Allie is continuing her defense of attacking, while bringing up an old argument that, undoubtedly, has been argued many times before. Getting a partner into a tried-and-true prior argument is in itself a good defense. Each person knows his or her lines and can settle into the old rut.
Allie also introduces a new defense, one that can create a lot of confusion for the other person: she denies her own words. For months before her birthday, she talked about how she never saw her sister anymore, not since Keisha got involved in the historical society.
James took her seriously. He thought she wanted to be with Keisha and that arranging a dinner with them would be a gift Allie would appreciate. Now, Allie is denying her own words as a way of minimizing James’s effort.
This is a layered defense. First, Allie pulled him into a different argument, then she used a denial of her own words to put him in the wrong. Most people would be pretty confused by now and would have lost all track of their original concern.
“You’re yelling at me.”
“I’m not yelling. I am raising my voice because I’m frustrated.”
“You are yelling. You’re really angry.”
“Well, I am angry. No, I’m not really angry. But I’m so frustrated. You block everything I say.”
Here is a multiple defense. She is accusing him. She is portraying him as being out of line when he is behaving naturally given the circumstances. She is also overstating his true and natural feeling.
Granted, we all have different points at which loudness seems like yelling, but we can also misuse what would ordinarily be an appropriate comment, turning it into a weapon and a defense.
James is raising his voice, true. As he is increasingly thwarted, he gets louder and more frustrated, but he is not yelling abusively. When we overstate how someone is behaving, that is a defense. The person is mirrored incorrectly, which can throw them off and make them feel wrong.
James is angry. In these circumstances, it is natural to be angry. His anger is appropriate. Yet she is accusing him of being very angry, as if anger weren’t appropriate, and exaggerating his true feeling. This mirrors him incorrectly and is likely to sidetrack him.
Multiple defenses are like a series of punches. They are effective in creating confusion for the other person, who is forced into warding off blows. By now James has lost track of the issue he wanted to discuss.
Allie: “Okay, I’m always wrong.”
Pretending to be victimized—entering the victim role—puts the other person into the wrong and also increases their anger, frustration, and powerlessness. Some participants might get abusive at this point, and others might feel hopeless and back off.
“It was my birthday. I think I know what I wanted.”
Stating an obvious fact as if it’s being argued about is another example of misdirection. James has never accused her of not knowing what she wanted. He could get pulled into protesting this. Taken together, her last three sentences are another series of defenses guaranteed to frustrate and sidetrack him.
He shook his head. His brain was jangling. “I need to think a minute.”
This is an important moment in a conflict. When a person asks for a time-out, give it. (I realize that even this request can be used manipulatively and as a way to sidetrack you, but a legitimate need to have a breather and clear the cobwebs should be respected.) Taking a recess can completely transform a conflict. Both parties can cool down, get centered, remember their original concern, tune in to true feelings, and come back in a position to respond more positively to each other.
When Allie keeps attacking and does not give James the space he needs, this is a significant sign that her primary interest is not in resolving the conflict. She reveals that she is more interested in fighting than in solving a problem or reaching agreement.
James could, however, insist on a time-out and make it happen by leaving the room. (Again, this can be used manipulatively, as a power play or as a withdrawal, but remember that defenses, power plays, and withdrawal hurt relationships in the long run, so discipline yourself to avoid them.)
“You want me to do all the changing. You want it all your way. Without giving anything back.”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t give back.”
Indeed, he hasn’t said anything of the sort. When someone makes an assumption or an interpretation without checking it out, it sidetracks the issue. James is now pulled into this new argument.
“I give in my way but you don’t seem to notice it.”
“You don’t notice what I give.”
This is the defense of parroting, taking the other person’s statement and using it as if it is your own. This defense can sidetrack and confuse the initiator. In this case, Allie’s statement is untrue. James is good at noticing what Allie gives. She is not introducing a legitimate issue here, but simply parroting his issue. Other examples of parroting:
“You aren’t listening.”
“No, you aren’t listening.”
Or: “I’m tired of being put down.”
“You put me down.”
Of course, both people can legitimately have an identical issue with each other, but I’m not referring to that situation. Allie is stealing James’s legitimate issue and acting as if it is her own.
James shook his head and felt his spirit give up. He raised his hands and walked away.
“Okay, walk away. Don’t finish an argument.”
This is the need to have the last word. It’s hard to resist and many of us succumb to it. It doesn’t do all that much damage, but it keeps the friction alive.
• • •
What can you do if someone responds to you with multiple defenses? You can try calling them on it. If things aren’t too hot, they may be able to admit to it.
In general, refuse to engage with defenses. The more you respond to someone’s defenses, the further you will be pulled from your own issue.
The first time someone acts as if they are being accused, you can reiterate your own purpose, need, or intention. Clarify the boundaries of your concern. For example, “I am saying this, but I’m not saying that.”
Explain how you want the other person to receive you. For example, “I’m not accusing you of being bad, but I am saying something important to me. You are doing something in our relationship that feels bad to me. I want you to listen to my concern.”
If you start to feel confused, you are running into defenses. You don’t have to be able to identify them to know that the conversation has gone astray. Take a break. Get clear again, then resume.
When in doubt, go back to your original issue. If you are vulnerable to being sidetracked by your partner, write down the issue on a piece of paper so you can refer to it if you get lost.
ONCE MORE, WITH BOUNDARIES
Here’s a replay of James and Allie’s conversation. In this version, James is setting boundaries by not engaging with Allie’s defensive reactions.
“Allie, I need to talk about something important.”
“What.” Her tone was angry. She was like a cat arching her back.
“You withdraw yourself from me when I displease you, or you take something a
way from me, and it’s starting to affect how I feel about us. I want to talk about it. This is very important to me.” [Notice he doesn’t let her anger control him. He also doesn’t confront it, which would get him off his main point.]
“Be specific, James. Give me an example.”
“All right. Thursday, last month, I stayed at the club after my golf game and got home later than usual. Since then, you haven’t fixed supper on a Thursday.”
“Since you weren’t going to be here on Thursdays anymore, I decided to go to the dollar movie on Thursday nights.”
“I never said I wouldn’t be here on Thursdays anymore.”
“Well, you missed a couple of Thursdays last month, too, and the month before. What’s the point of my cooking a good meal if you’re not here to eat it?”
“I don’t want to argue the example. I’m just using the example to illustrate my point. You asked me to be specific.”
“You’re enraged with me.”
“It’s very important to me that you understand what I’m saying.”
“You just care about yourself. If I’m not here to serve you, you’re unhappy. Never mind that I was waiting for you those other Thursdays without any idea where you were.”
“You asked me for an example. I gave you one. Here’s another. I fell asleep during the sermon Sunday and you were cold to me the rest of the day.”
“You embarrassed me. You were snoring like a sailor and even the minister was looking at you.”
“Maybe he’ll get the message that his sermons go on too long.”
“You only care about yourself. If your creature comforts are affected, then you’re unhappy.”
“You’re characterizing me as being an exceedingly selfish person. If this is your issue, I’m willing to talk about it, but not now. I’m telling you something important and I want you to make an effort to listen to what I’m saying. This conversation is my turn, my issue. Please listen.”
She crossed her arms and stared at him, stymied for the moment. Then she said, “Okay, give me another example.”
“Even though I made an effort to please you on your birthday, you saw nothing good in it, and withdrew from me. You were cold to me for weeks afterward.”
Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day Page 5