They got married, and the bruises got larger. Chantal told herself he’d be better when he had a child to love. Then, after their daughter was born, she told herself he’d be better when he had a son.
It is always an illusion to hope that a deliberate violator will change their behavior on their own. If someone violates you, if they mow down the boundaries you set, they will only continue to violate you. They will stop only when you add some negative consequences for their violations or if you remove yourself from their sphere of influence.
STOPPING VIOLATIONS
A boundary protects the integrity of the person and the relationship. When a boundary is violated, the integrity of both the person and the relationship are altered. Your job, if one of your boundaries is violated, is to immediately protect and restore the boundary. (Exception: if you are being threatened with physical harm, get away immediately.) The relationship has already been altered, but by taking immediate action to restore the boundary, your personal integrity is repaired.
If someone ignores the boundary set by the context of your relationship—say he dances too close, and he’s your husband’s best friend—set a boundary right away. “Back, Jack, you’re over the line.” If this boundary is ignored, regardless of the reason they give for ignoring it, you are with a violator. Set a new boundary by not giving them a chance to get that close again. “Dance is done, son.” And if they still come after you, don’t hesitate to threaten them with consequences. “One more move and I’ll blow your cover.”
Some of us have a tendency to let people get away with things under the auspices of being nice. Forget it. The other person is not being nice. Once someone else abandons the limits set by courtesy, you are not required to stay there yourself. Protecting yourself gets to be your first priority. It is more important than propriety or sparing the other person embarrassment. Remember, you are not the one causing the stir. The other person caused it. If they use the social situation as a cover to get away with a violation—counting on you to keep quiet so as not to interrupt the main event—you can foil that plan by deliberately and publicly speaking out—or by doing whatever you need in order to be safe.
MULTIPLE VIOLATIONS
The boundaries around you flex and move according to the situation. With someone safe and trusted, the line thins and shrinks, allowing the other person more scope, permitting them to get closer. You don’t need to keep a generous, loving friend outside a brick wall. With a potentially hurtful person, the line thickens and moves outward, so that they are kept away and less of what they do can penetrate. You wouldn’t be safe from an abusive person just by holding up a piece of cling wrap.
When a husband hits his wife, it’s a double violation because of her trust and love. With him she’s kept a thin, open boundary. The context, marriage, has invited her to relax; as a result the damage of the blow goes deeper. If the husband then uses verbal manipulation to convince her that she caused him to hit her, it’s a triple violation.
She, with that one clout, has gone from a peer to a victim, from a place of equal power to a position of less power. She is suddenly his hostage. Hostages learn to identify with their captors in order to survive, so her perception and logic will begin to side with him in order to protect her own physical safety.
This is why it is essential for someone to leave a relationship early, at the very first sign that abuse is the other person’s pattern. After the first blow, say, “If you do that again, the relationship is over.” And if they do it again, no matter what reason they give, leave.
The abuser is always a step ahead of the victim. The further down that road you let yourself go, the stronger your abuser will get and the weaker you’ll get. They will become much more dangerous as the years go on.
SELF-VIOLATIONS
Liese loved her house. Sitting in three acres of parkland, situated so privately that she could bask nude on the deck and be seen only by hawks, it was like a physical extension of her own body, the only dwelling in which she’d ever felt absolutely safe.
After fifteen years of marriage, however, her husband changed suddenly. An undiagnosed mood disorder caused him to pick fights with her, undermine her thinking, and respond in disorienting ways. Often he was both intrusive and abandoning. For example, on their way to pick up new wedding rings a few days after Liese had surgery, he attacked her verbally all the way to the jeweler’s, and she was too sick to do more than bear it. Driving to a movie, he would suddenly light into her with angry criticism. She’d set out to exercise and he’d rail at her for using a walking tape. She’d come home and find the house rearranged in a way that distanced him from her.
Nothing she tried worked. She tried organizing an informal intervention, but Eric’s friends, believing his propaganda against her, wouldn’t participate. A marriage therapist they tried used old, useless techniques that got them nowhere. A psychotherapist couldn’t see through Eric’s respectful, appropriate behavior in her office.
Liese stayed in the situation three more years. She didn’t want to leave her house. She loved the view, the neighbors, the town, her garden, and her life there. She loved everything but Eric’s abuse. Because she loved the house so much, she subjected herself to nearly half a decade of hell.
When we stay in an abusive situation because of some other aspect of it—a cherished social position, luxuries, wanting to stay together till the children have grown—we lose a chunk of our life. As hard as it is to pack, relocate, lose shared income, and make a new life for the kids, things do get better as a result. On the other side of all the change and work is rampant possibility. Countless men and women have found that on the other side of the sorting and boxes and dislocation are opportunity, friendship, fun, and intimacy.
Chapter 7
SETTING LIMITS ON ATTACK
Jeff came home from work feeling light and happy. He’d done his job especially well that day and felt good about himself. But Tony, his partner, was in a bad mood. He was hidden behind the newspaper from which issued growls about inane journalists.
Jeff headed for the kitchen and began putting together a pasta dinner. After a few minutes, Tony came in and said, “Stop throwing pots and pans around. Your anger is filling the apartment.”
Jeff stopped, startled. “I’m not throwing pots and pans. I’m just cooking. I’m not angry.”
“Yes, you are. You’re angry that I took your parking place, aren’t you?”
“I’m not angry. I parked in front. I didn’t even notice where you were parked because there was a space right by the front door.”
“You are too angry. I hear an edge in your voice.”
“You hear an edge in my voice because I’m getting tense about all these accusations. I felt good when I came in, and I know if this keeps on I will feel angry. I don’t want to go any further with this. I don’t want to be angry when that’s not where I am. If something went wrong for you, I’ll be glad to listen. But stop telling me how I feel.”
“That was an angry statement.”
“Either tell me the real issue or stop.”
“You can’t control me.”
“I’m out of here.”
• • •
What happened here? Jeff came home lighthearted and in a good mood, and Tony trounced him. Tony was looking for a fight and did his best to start one. Jeff wanted to keep his good feeling, refused to participate, and, when reason didn’t work, took himself out of the situation.
Regardless of the reason for Tony’s anger—even if Jeff had actually done something wrong—Tony’s way of handling his feeling was not okay. Even if Jeff did some dumb thing that bothered Tony, Jeff still didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and he was right not to put up with it. Tony projected his own anger onto Jeff, like shining his movie on Jeff’s screen, and that became Tony’s excuse for treating Jeff badly. Tony thus got to discharge some of his uncomfortable feelings at Jeff’s expense.
When one person abuses another, this is, at base, what it is abou
t—using another person to discharge their own uncomfortable feelings. This is not okay and must be stopped.
This problem will not get better on its own. On the other hand, if you set good, clear boundaries early—when the person first starts a verbal attack or projection—there is some chance that the relationship will work out.
Notice what Jeff did not do. He did not try to understand Tony or do active listening. He did not say, “You sound angry, Tony. What’s wrong?” If someone is a little out of touch temporarily, this can sometimes help; but in Tony’s case, with a track record of projection and attack, his most likely response would be something like, “You bet I’m angry. You come in the door and make a racket in the kitchen and expect me not to get agitated.”
Active listening would respond, “Sounds like loud noise agitates you.”
And then Tony’s anger would intensify.
Active listening and understanding wouldn’t work here, because Tony is not engaging in a way that would allow the truth to come out. Even marriage counselors sometimes make the mistake of applying active listening when a boundary is called for instead.
Can you spot the flaw in Tony’s behavior that is a signal that active listening would backfire? Guess what it is.
1. He’s already mad.
2. His focus is outside himself.
3. He’s hungry.
The answer is 2. Tony is not making any effort to address his real issue, to access his own insides and feelings. Instead he is focused outwardly on Jeff. When someone is focused on another person, active listening will only encourage them to continue dumping their feelings on that other person.
Since Tony’s feelings are being directed toward Jeff, neither Tony nor the relationship will benefit from active listening. Tony will only get further entrenched in his belief that Jeff is the cause of his discomfort, and both Jeff and the relationship will be harmed.
Even an understanding comment such as, “Something must have upset you today” might have backfired for Jeff. Tony might have replied, “You bet I’m upset. I’m upset with you, Jeff.”
The best hope for Jeff in this situation is for him to set boundaries. By rapidly erecting an energetic barrier and by refusing to engage in abusive behavior, he can foil Tony’s attack. (Remember, the purpose of the attack is for Tony to get rid of his bad feeling by dumping it on Jeff. If Jeff refuses to accept it, the bad feeling bounces right back—to Tony.)
In a new relationship, the very first time someone tries to dump their feelings on you, set a boundary. Refuse to engage. Imagine that a force field has sprung up around you. Think of it as a wall of energy that blocks the invasion of any bad energy or feeling. Say, “It’s not okay to talk to me that way. If you’re unhappy about something I will listen. But don’t dump your anxiety (or fear, or whatever) on me.”
If your boundary is respected—if the person pivots into a direct expression of their feelings, such as, “Oh, man, I am so scared about this job interview”—then you’ve got someone you can work with. If, however, they increase their efforts to get you to take it, or they try to control you, demean you, call you names, or are physically rough in any way, disengage. If this behavior continues, end the relationship.
Don’t take chances with a violent person. Even if they claim (or you carry the illusion) that you are the only one who understands, that you are the only one who can save them, or that your love will heal them, remember, this is a fantasy. By the time you realize that you can’t do enough to fix them, you will have lost a part of yourself.
Don’t put “being fair” to someone over your own safety, either. Many a woman has been trapped, and even killed, out of a mistaken idea that their partner deserves one more chance.
• • •
The interesting thing about good boundaries is that this whole process can work without the other person knowing what you are doing. It doesn’t require a lengthy explanation or charts and graphs for boundaries to work.
Do you have a nonviolent person in your life who tries to dump their discomfort on you? If so, do they infect you with their bad mood, so that they walk in with a cloud overhead, and walk out smiling because now the cloud is over your head? Do they attack you or disregard you in some careless or subtle fashion? Are they nonresponsive until you start fretting and then they’re suddenly energetic? These are all signs that you’ve absorbed their bad feeling. No wonder they feel better. The uncomfortable energy is now in your body.
The next time this person approaches you, quickly imagine yourself surrounded by your force field. Decorate this energy barrier any way you want. It can be a thicket of daisies, or your most loving friends all holding hands like cops do at a parade. Surround yourself with a rainbow or some very loyal lions. If you are feeling good or carefree or successful or competent, tune into that feeling. Magnify that good feeling. Let your confidence or joy or competence fill the space inside your barrier. Let it pour out of your eyes and shine from your skin. Then, no matter what that person says to you, stay tuned into yourself and hold the image.
In addition, build your verbal skills at stopping people who try to transfer their bad feelings to you.
“Walter, if you’re angry with me, say so directly.”
“Mom, I’m not joining you in your anxiety. I’m going to hang up now.”
“Joan, your agitation is starting to rock the house. Either talk about what’s going on or run around the block.”
“My love, I can’t be with you when you’re doing that indirect stuff. If you’ll acknowledge your mood and do something to help yourself, I’ll go to the movie with you. Otherwise I’m going by myself in fifteen minutes.”
People are remarkably responsive to consequences. If you create a consequence of being unavailable until they are honest and direct, they catch on.
Here’s another interesting thing about boundaries: the other person may not know the cause of their own bad mood, but running into your boundary brings it to mind.
Hamish found out, when he got to work, that his best buddy, Shawn, was moving. He felt a shaft of grief and disappointment, then buried himself in work and forgot about it.
When he got home, he was unhappy with everything he saw—the grounds in the coffeemaker, the ragged dishcloth, his kid’s music.
He started picking on his wife. “Maureen,” he yelled, even though she was standing but a few feet from him, “can’t you do something about that noise? Are you just starting dinner now? Why are the breakfast dishes still in the sink?”
Maureen refused to engage. She filled her energetic boundary, stayed in her own psychological space, and barely listened to him as she rinsed vegetables. He continued to try to start a fight, and she said, “I don’t know what caused this mood of yours, but I know I’m okay and I’ve done well today.” Then she left the room.
After fifteen minutes, Hamish came in, plopped down, and started talking. “Shawn’s moving to Fiji.”
Immediately she stopped arranging flowers and came over to him. “Oh, Hamish, I’m so sorry.”
Her boundary forced his psyche to offer up the real problem. He wasn’t getting any mileage or relief out of diffuse irritation. Her refusal to engage in a nonproblem left him swimming in his own swamp. Left there to stew, the real issue came forth.
As soon as he was talking about the real problem, Maureen came to him and was right with him. She hadn’t built up any anger toward him that would cause her to withdraw, because she took such good care of herself. Since she had protected herself so well, she felt no barriers to an empathetic response.
If you take good care of yourself, you can be fully present when the other person shifts. “Boy, I’ve been taking my bad mood out on you. I’m sorry. Okay, let me see what’s really going on.”
“I’m here for you.”
Chapter 8
ANGER BOUNDARIES
Anger has been much maligned in our culture, due to the harm done by its destructive cousin, rage. But anger—like sorrow, joy, and fear—is a basi
c human feeling that in its pure, direct, boundaried expression can have positive impact. Furthermore, such expression can cleanse both the person carrying the issue and his or her relationship with the other person.
The suppression of anger can cause a lot of trouble, giving rise to virulent progeny such as malice, passive aggression, hostility, rage, sabotage, hate, blame, guilt, controlling behavior, shame, self-blame, and self-destruction. Passive aggression—hit and run rage subtly disguised as sweetness or concern—has the particular characteristic of causing harm without the initiator looking wrong.
As a rule, my clients have spent years suppressing anger. They’ve pushed it so far down that they don’t even know they are angry. Most of their feelings come forth in the form of tears, sadness, or self-blame. But if anger is the true feeling, sadness or any other stand-in will never fix it.
True, direct, boundaried anger flares, then fades. It gets brighter, and then it is done.
In contrast, rage, hostility, malice, passive aggression, and hate tend to breed. Because the focus of each of these expressions is directed at some external target, the true feeling—anger or grief—ends up not being expressed.
This is why rage never gets used up. Rage begets rage. When a person gives way to rage, it feeds on itself and gets hotter and more destructive. Hate crimes escalate because rage becomes directed at the wrong event or wrong person. The original anger about the true cause gets lost.
If I’m really angry at my spouse, but instead I yell at my goldfish, nothing moves forward. When we take out anger on an innocent being, we haven’t fixed anything.
Even if my cronies and I were to organize a society against goldfish, and get people to wear leather jackets with a bold slash across a leering goldfish, and picket pet stores with signs denouncing the slimy nature of the average fish, my rage would only increase. Goldfish would just be a patsy for some underlying righteous anger that I was not expressing appropriately.
Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day Page 7