Twenty-eight Days
Twenty-eight days is how long they keep you in rehab, unless you’re a celebrity who can leave whenever there are enough paparazzi outside.
When you’re in rehab, twenty-eight days seems an eternity. It feels longer than Tommy Lee’s dick. To put it in perspective, think about it: In twenty-eight days, you can watch 1,344 episodes of Two and a Half Men and still not laugh once. In twenty-eight days, someone would finally kill Jack Bauer. And it does change you. After twenty-eight days, I forgot what my car looked like in the parking lot. If you think you can do twenty-eight days in rehab, try not going to the bathroom for twenty-eight days. It’s that uncomfortable and you’re that up to your elbows in shit.
Twenty-eight days is not only how long most addicts stay in treatment, twenty-eight days is also how long Black History Month lasts. So, apparently, twenty-eight days is the length of time we can pretend to give a shit about something we really aren’t that into.
Twenty-eight days is supposed to be four weeks, but if you think about it, the first week is spent being angry and full of the DTs. The last week is spent making plans to celebrate your release with your friends, probably at some trendy bar. So what you really have is two weeks in the middle to pretend you care and to try to get laid. We all know this is true. We watched the Sandra Bullock movie. (I am, of course, talking about the movie 28 Days, not Miss Congeniality 2, which drove people to drink to escape the reality of having paid ten dollars to see that piece of crap.) Screwing around in rehab is why ugly people are the only ones who ever get cured of alcoholism. The good-looking people are having too much fun. The good news is, though, after a few years of being an alcoholic, you get fat and lose your teeth, and once you turn into an ugly person, you can get cured too.
Symbolic Rocks/Closing Ceremonies
Rehabbers use symbols like they used to use Jack Daniel’s—and like the amount of Jack they used to use, it’s enough to make the average person vomit. When you leave rehab they give you a rock, coin, or marble to take with you and carry around every day to remember your rehab stint in the real world. You’d think the $20,000 hit to your checking account or the stress-induced patch of gray hair would be enough of a gentle reminder. Instead of giving you a rock, they should give you something practical, like a T-shirt that says, “I spent twenty-eight days in hell and all I got was a lousy fucking pebble.”
Symbolic rocks are really a reminder to never go to rehab again. The rocks are also really good for throwing at people who offer you heroin, pussy, cake, or whatever you’re addicted to when you get out. They bless the rocks before they give them to you to make them more special than the ones that break your lawnmower. Since you make a lot of enemies in rehab, the blessing is about as heartfelt as when a stranger says, “Bless you,” on the subway when you sneeze.
Sometimes the rocks say things like “Healing” or “Peace” on them. Yeah, that’s going to keep you from relapsing. I want to do meth, but the little stone in my pocket says “Joy.” I better not. If they really wanted to keep people from relapsing, they would give their sponsor a rock—a big heavy rock they could hit the addict in the head with every time he tried to do drugs. Think about it: That’s a win-win situation. The drug addict still gets the blackout and time away from reality he wants, and society doesn’t have to deal with another druggie in its midst. You could even write inspirational words right on the rock that the sponsor could say as they hit him—“Dumb Fuck” or “Nigga, Please.” Let’s face it, it’s better to stone a guy half to death than coddle him and let him do drugs all the way to death. If we did this in the seventies, we’d still have Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix.
Acknowledgments
This book would only be an ache in my left nut if the following people hadn’t helped make it happen: my hot ’n’ tasty manager, Maggie Houlehan; the gruff but lovable J. P. Williams and everyone at Parallel Entertainment; Peter McGuigan; Nick Nuciforo, Sonya Rosenfeld, Martin Lesak, and everyone at CAA; Bob “Hottest Jew Ever” Bernstein; Joe Bartnick and Scott Dunn; Mike Smardak and everyone at Outback Concerts; Geof Wills and everyone at Live Nation; Yvette Shearer; Gaby the “Jew”ler on Forty-seventh Street in Manhattan; Andy Paige; and, last but not least, Mauro DiPreta and Nancy Miller, the editors of my dreams.
A special thanks to Howard Stern and Don Rickles, the two funniest men who ever lived. I appreciate you inspiring me every single day.
Kisses to my honey bear, Jimmy, who gave me hugs through all the rough spots. I love you, baby!
And for their undying patience and support, my sister and brother, Nancy and Len, whom I look up to and admire. I love you both and want to be like you when I grow up!
About the Author
Lisa Lampanelli skyrocketed to comedy fame thanks to her showstopping performances on the Comedy Central roasts of Jeff Foxworthy, Pamela Anderson, William Shatner, and Flavor Flav. Most recently she served as roastmaster for the roast of Larry the Cable Guy. She is a regular guest on The Tonight Show and The Howard Stern Show, and her live standup show continues to sell out in theaters across the country. Her CD/DVD Dirty Girl was nominated for a Grammy for Best Comedy Album in 2007. Lisa’s first HBO special, Long Live the Queen, premiered to spectacular numbers in early 2009.
www.lisalampanelli.com
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Advance Praise for Lisa Lampanelli and Chocolate, Please
“L.L. Lana Lang, Lois Lane, Lex Luthor, and now the greatest of them all, Lisa Lampanelli. She is funny. She’s the one person who will be invited to a roast and destroy everything in her path and leave you wondering who could follow her. Lisa will steal the show every time, whether it’s on my radio program or on any stage anywhere doing stand-up. And don’t forget, she has those iconic initials that all great people have in Superman comics: L.L. I love Lisa and so should you. A true original and a brilliant comedy mind.”
—HOWARD STERN
“If you want to see real racial integration, go to a Lisa Lampanelli show. That’s where you’ll find people of every color and creed having a good laugh at themselves and each other. No one is safe from prejudice at a Lisa Lampanelli show…and no one wants to be. By boldly poking fun at everyone, including her chocolate-daddylovin’ self, Lisa releases us from a prison of cultural guilt. She’s more than a stand-up. She’s a standout.”
—JIM CARREY
“Lisa is awesome. I’ve known Lisa from way back when she was a thin Chinese woman. I love Lisa. Not only is she offstage one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met, but onstage she turns into Don Rickles only with more hair and not as shapely. And nobody gets bigger laughs than Lisa. Lisa is bringing to theaters across the country something Americans seem to have lost—a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at themselves. Lisa accomplishes both those tasks when she’s onstage. She’s an unbelievably great comedian. What she does is not easy in the environment we live in today. And Lisa pulls it off. She’s a true pro. I will say this though: I’m about half sick and tired of that bitch weaselin’ her way into all my movies! The hell with Lisa and this book! Buy mine!!!!”
—LARRY THE CABLE GUY
“Lisa can tie me down to a bed anytime.”
—LL COOL J
“Lisa is the most outrageous comic we have ever had on The Tonight Show.”
—JAY LENO
“Jesus—this book is filthy.”
—SARAH SILVERMAN
“Every generation has a female comic that destroys the conventional wisdom that only men can be raunchy and funny. Lisa Lampanelli is this generation’s choice.”
—CARLOS MENCIA
Credits
Jacket design by Richard Ljoenes
Jacket photographs by Gerardo Somoza
Copyright
CHOCOLATE, PLEASE. Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Lampanelli. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been grante
d the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Adobe Digital Edition August 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-195927-1
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