I think my jaw dropped. No, I know it did. Nikki had a rule that I was never supposed to talk about her at school or what she did. She said I’d only get her in trouble.
So I wasn’t sure if I should trust her. ‘You’re lying.’
‘I’m not. Promise.’ Nikki held out her pinkie. I couldn’t remember the last time we pinkie-swore. Even then, we were a little old for it.
I fell for it anyway. That’s how badly I wanted attention from Nikki. Maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she just wanted me to help with her plan to get home. Doesn’t matter now and it didn’t matter then, because Eddie stepped in and ruined everything.
I should’ve known, should’ve listened, should’ve seen it coming. That’s what Nikki said. It was all my fault that Grandpa and Eddie staged a coup and forced Nikki out of power.
It happened so fast.
One day, Nikki was driving and we were going to ride roller coasters.
The next day, Grandpa was back in the driver’s seat and Nikki didn’t have anything to blackmail him into staying quiet. While I was up front talking to Nikki, Eddie found the second disposable camera – the one with the so-called vile pictures on it. That’s all he needed to take control.
I can still see him holding it up, smiling.
Grandpa was right there, smiling right along with him, and he looked a lot more lucid. He turned to Nikki and said, ‘This was always my road trip.’
Nikki screamed. It was one of those top-of-the-lungs, ear-piercing, horror-movie screams and I thought she was going to break all the windows in the van. When the screaming was over, the cursing began. It continued until Eddie threatened to gag her.
She shut up.
I hated Eddie more than I ever had, maybe more than Grandpa. Honestly, it never crossed my mind that Eddie would do such a thing. Not once.
But if it had crossed my mind, I wouldn’t have told him about the camera. He didn’t know anything about it until I opened my big mouth. It happened the night before, after Nikki was asleep. Eddie and I were the only ones up, and we were talking about the trip and the pictures we took, and I mentioned the second camera.
I thought he already knew about it. The look of surprise on his face told me he didn’t.
So yes, the whole thing was my fault. The one time I shared Nikki’s secret, I ruined everything.
I asked Eddie why he did it, why he couldn’t just let Nikki be in charge. Everything was going okay, we were on our way to the roller coasters, so why did he have to help Grandpa take control?
‘Nikki’s lying,’ he said. ‘Grandpa told me he never hit Grandma.’
‘He did hit her. Why else would Nikki do all of this?’
‘Because she’s a psycho.’
Not true. Nikki had told me everything about Grandpa, all the details, and I knew it was true. If Nikki had been lying, she would have told me she was. Just like she did about the pictures of Portia that didn’t exist.
‘No,’ I said to Eddie. ‘That can’t be why you did it.’
He looked at me, almost surprised that I was arguing with him. ‘You don’t believe me?’
‘No.’
He smiled and shrugged.
I should’ve known what he’d say.
‘Because I could.’
Now here we are again, the same place, the same long drive, and Eddie is ordering people around like he’s in control of everything. That’s how it sounds, especially when he pulls up to the Appaloosa Inn. The motel looks as bad as it sounds, right down to the burnt-out lights in the sign and the misspelling of ‘Cabel’ TV.
‘I have to make some calls tonight,’ Eddie says. ‘You guys can all stay in the same room.’
Before anyone can say a word, he gets out and goes into the motel office.
‘Such. An. Asshole.’ Portia emphasizes that with a scoff. ‘Is he going to take us somewhere to eat?’
I glance around the street, spotting a twenty-four-hour diner. Amazing how many of them are actually left in the country, and they’re all located near motels like the Appaloosa. ‘There,’ I say.
‘Oh perfect. This is just like last time. Another shitshow.’ She gets out of the car and slams the door behind her.
Felix looks to me.
‘I’ll explain everything,’ I say.
I know I have to. I have to explain to Felix why it was a shitshow last time we were here. Why we all rushed outside last night when that van drove by. There’s probably more, but those are the biggest ones.
Our first moment alone is after eating club sandwiches at the diner. Eddie didn’t come with us, Portia left to get some sleep, so it was just Felix and me, drinking weak coffee and sharing a piece of apple pie.
‘Last time we were here, we all got sick from eating something at one of these diners,’ I say. ‘That’s why Portia said it was a shitshow. Except it was more like a vomit show.’
Lie.
Felix puts down his fork. ‘What happened last night?’
I’ve given this one a lot of thought. Had all day to come up with a creative story, but the truth is easier. Mostly the truth.
‘It was the song that freaked us out. Did you hear it?’ I say.
He thinks for a minute, shakes his head.
‘Doesn’t matter. Point is, we heard it a thousand times on the first trip. If we had a theme song, that was it.’ I stop and take a deep breath. ‘So when that song woke me up, I ran outside. It wasn’t like I gave it a lot of thought, I just did it. And I guess Portia did the same thing.’
‘Why didn’t you just say that?’
‘It was the middle of the night. I was confused … I don’t know. It just seemed difficult to explain at one in the morning.’
‘I feel like you aren’t telling me everything,’ he said.
‘Well, you’re wrong. There’s nothing more to tell.’
No, Felix, I’m not going to ever tell you about Nikki or her secrets. I’ve already learned that lesson.
I almost let Felix believe we’re going to the theme park. It was the whole reason we originally drove so many hours in one day. Nikki said we had to get a good night’s sleep so we could spend the whole next day at Silverwood. But Nikki was no longer in control, and the only time we saw roller coasters was through the car window as Grandpa drove by.
I still remember how that felt. It wasn’t disappointment; it was something big and sharp and it hit me like a fist. It felt the same as finding out Grandpa had abducted us. At the time, I didn’t recognize it as betrayal.
While I doubt the impact would be the same, I still tell Felix before we get on the road.
‘There’s no roller coasters,’ I say.
We’re in the motel room alone. Portia is outside on her phone or drinking or whatever she does when she’s alone. Felix is repacking his bag because it wasn’t right the first time. He doesn’t stop. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, we aren’t really going to a theme park. We were supposed to, but then we never did.’
‘Was it closed?’
Easy enough to lie here, but I don’t. ‘We just didn’t go.’
He looks frustrated now, maybe even angry, and it’s no longer interesting. It’s weird. ‘Then where are we going?’ he says.
‘Washington.’
‘Why wouldn’t you just tell me that? Why are you keeping things from me?’
Because I can’t explain why or how it happened, and I can’t tell him what really happened on the trip. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say.
Anger flashes in his eyes. ‘You lied to me.’
Yes, I did lie. And I have lied to him so many times – about my parents, about the first trip, and about Nikki, by never telling him about her at all. I also lied about why I went to school in Florida.
Way back when we first starting dating, I told Felix I chose the University of Miami because of the weather, the beaches, and because I just wanted to be somewhere new.
Lie.
I moved to Florida because of Cooper, Nikki’s boyfriend. He
went to the University of Miami and stayed in the area after graduation. I went to the same school and did the same thing, right up until he moved to Central Florida. Felix didn’t know it, but I applied for a transfer to an United International office in the same area. When it finally came through, I told him the offer came out of nowhere.
Lie.
And yes, International United came through for both of us, and we moved to the next town over from Cooper. It was all because of him. And, as always, because of her.
When I was in high school back in Atlanta, I thought a lot about where Nikki would turn up. If she hadn’t been pregnant, I never would’ve moved to Florida.
Cooper went on with his life. He got married, had a couple of kids, and seems to have a perfectly normal life that does not include Nikki. Yet. He has no idea I’ve been right there with him, watching and waiting for the day his high-school girlfriend shows up with the child he didn’t know anything about.
Because I’m on this road trip, I can’t see him in person. All I have is his Instagram.
3 Days Left
Idaho
State Motto: Let it be perpetual
Today’s lie is about roller coasters, and I had no choice but to admit it. Felix is looking at me as if this is a much bigger deal than it is.
Before I can respond to him, Portia bursts in the door and she’s visibly shivering. ‘Jesus Christ, it wasn’t this cold last time.’ She stamps her feet like there’s snow on them. There is not.
‘You’ve been complaining about the cold for a while now,’ I say.
‘I live in Louisiana. It’s ninety degrees down there.’
She looks up at me, then at Felix. We’re both staring at her, not saying a word. ‘Oh God, you guys are fighting, aren’t you? Yeah, you are, I can tell. Sorry, sorry.’ Before either of us can stop her, she slams back out of the room.
This is how marriage feels. Being in it is one thing, looking at it from the outside is another.
‘You’re right,’ I say. ‘I lied.’
He shakes his head at me. ‘That’s not right.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I slip my hands around his waist and it feels like the most comfortable thing in the world. After years of being married, I know his body like I know my own, and I can feel him relax as his anger starts to disappear.
‘You shouldn’t have kept this from me,’ he says. ‘I’m your husband.’
‘I know. You’re right.’
‘I don’t like being lied to.’
‘I’m sorry.’ This doesn’t seem like the right time to bring up his lies, but the hypocrisy of our conversation doesn’t escape me. It pisses me off.
‘I know you’re sorry.’ He kisses the top of my head.
I lean back and look up at him. ‘You know what would be fun?’ I say.
‘What?’
‘Let’s pretend we are fighting.’
‘Why?’ he says.
‘Because …’ I have to twist the idea around in my mind the way Nikki would when she wanted something. ‘Because this trip hasn’t been any fun and my brother can be an asshole and Portia is always drunk and I want to have some fun with them.’ I keep my eyes on his, never wavering at all. ‘Don’t you want to have fun with me?’
He smiles, every speck of anger gone. ‘I’d love to have fun with you.’
Score one for me. Thanks to Nikki.
Breakfast in Idaho isn’t much different from breakfast in Wyoming except there are more potatoes. Actually, everything revolves around the potato, including the name of the place: Spuds.
Felix and I do not speak during the meal.
Portia notices. She talks the whole time about a dream she had, and it sounds like a convenient story. She also keeps looking over at Eddie, who alternates between nodding at what she’s saying and staring at his phone. If he notices Felix and I aren’t talking, he doesn’t say anything.
Even when we’re in the car, driving out of Idaho and into Washington, he doesn’t pay any attention to us. That’s no fun.
‘Felix, where did you put the phone charger?’ I ask.
He doesn’t even look at me. ‘You had it last.’
‘No. You did.’
‘Well, I don’t have it now.’
Felix’s tone is sharp enough to get Eddie’s attention. He glances away from the road and at me. ‘Plenty of chargers around. You can use mine.’ Eddie nods toward the center console.
I reach over to get it, glaring at Felix in the process.
‘Asshole.’ I say this under my breath. Felix doesn’t respond.
I lean back in my seat, plug in the portable charger, and put on my headphones. The first text I get is from Portia.
You guys okay?
I say:
Yeah, just cabin fever.
We all have it. Not much longer now.
No, not much longer.
Thank God.
My mind has already started to drift to the end, to the desert.
Knowing where the trip ends is the biggest difference between the first trip and this one. Last time, we thought we were going all the way to the edge of California. This time we know we never made it that far, and I’ve still never been in that state. I’ve also never been back to Nevada.
Felix starts to eat a bag of chips, which normally wouldn’t bother me. Today I decide it does. ‘Do you have to be so loud?’ I say.
He rattles the bag, making even more noise.
‘Really?’ I say.
‘Yep. Really.’ He puts a whole chip in his mouth and bites down hard, crunching unnecessarily with his mouth open. If we weren’t pretending to be in a fight, that would piss me off.
‘Nice,’ I say.
‘All right,’ Eddie says, putting up a hand like a referee. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you guys, but you sound like children.’
I admit we’re trying to provoke a response, I just didn’t realize how patronizing Eddie would be. Now I do want to argue.
‘No worse than you and Krista,’ I say.
‘Ouch,’ Portia says, leaning forward like she wants a better view. ‘She got you there.’
‘She didn’t “get” me.’ Eddie throws her a dirty look in the rearview mirror. ‘She’s wrong. Krista and I argue but we don’t sound like five-year-olds.’
‘Yeah, your arguments were really mature,’ I say.
Eddie slams on the brakes and pulls off the road. He turns around, his blue eyes lit up like meteorites. ‘Look,’ he says. ‘I’ve tried my best with you. I’ve tried to be as accommodating as I know how, as laidback as …’ Portia opens her mouth to speak but Eddie silences her. ‘Other than one night in jail, I’ve done everything I can to make this trip easy, including paying more than my fair share.’ He looks at Portia.
She shrugs. Doesn’t argue.
‘Maybe you don’t like me,’ he says. ‘Maybe all of you hate me. Fine. I don’t care. We don’t have to be friends. We don’t even have to talk. What we have to do is get through this.’ He stops, takes a breath. ‘That’s it. Let’s just get through this.’
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Someone who is screwed.
Someone who was too stupid to realize her own brother would align with the enemy. Of course he would. Of course. It’s Beth’s fault and it’s my fault and neither one of us should have forgotten how easy it is for someone to sneak up on you when you aren’t looking.
Like sperm. Those little things just sneak right up into you and bam, you’re pregnant.
Or like that guy following us. I’m still the only one who knows about him.
Washington
State Motto: Bye and bye
For the rest of the drive, Felix and I speak only in essential terms.
I’m hungry.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Roll up/down the window.
Felix and I don’t even text.
We do, however, keep an eye out for the truck. No one has seen it for a long time, and maybe it’s go
ne forever, but looking for it gives us something to do.
I also keep an eye out for the van.
It’s like this all the way to Colfax, Washington, home of the Codger Pole, and this is where Grandpa brought us instead of the amusement park. The pole is sixty-five feet high, made of wood, and it was carved with a chainsaw. I see the pole long before we get there, but I don’t point it out to Felix. I wait until we park and walk up to it, so he can see it up close. He stares at it, up it, around it.
‘Are those … faces?’ he says.
‘They are,’ Eddie says.
‘Of football players?’
‘Indeed,’ Portia says. ‘The Codger Pole is a giant phallic memorial to a football game.’
True.
The Colfax Bulldogs and the St John Eagles played against each other in 1938, and St Johns won. Fifty years later, in 1988, they played again. With the same team.
Yes, they were about seventy years old, and yes, they played a game called the Codger Bowl. Colfax won, and all the players got their faces carved into a big pole. It’s actually an amazing structure to see when you’re standing in front of it, so there is that.
We aren’t the only people here to see it, either. There are other tourists around, taking selfies and family photos in front of the pole.
‘You came here instead of the theme park?’ Felix says.
I avoid looking at Eddie. ‘Not my choice.’
Eddie says nothing. Acts like he did nothing.
In truth, it’s been a long time since I thought about how we ended up here instead of on the roller coasters, but his betrayal has always been in the back of my mind. It’s why I would never fully trust him.
Back then, I don’t know how Grandpa found this place in a world without smartphones, but he did. Maybe he had it all mapped out before he took us on this trip.
I can see Grandpa smiling now that he was back in charge, with Eddie right by his side. The three of us, the girls, lagged behind.
‘Just wait,’ Grandpa said. ‘You’re going to love this.’
He Started It Page 18