Abby gathered up the photographs Noah had brought and the outlines for the updated pamphlet and stuffed them into her laptop bag. Not that she was likely to do any work this evening but looking like she intended to work at home gave her an excuse to leave her office a little early. And this way she wouldn’t have to face Noah again just yet. The least she could do for him right now was to give him some time and space to get his head around what must feel like his worst nightmare.
* * *
If only this was simply a bad dream and he was going to wake up soon.
As a form of escape, Noah had focused so completely on Alex’s patient that it was quite some time before anything personal had a chance to cross those barriers and fill his head. An ultrasound and other tests on the young man who’d had orthopaedic surgery on his arm and hand following a motorbike accident showed that he had developed blood clots that were compromising blood supply enough to cause the wound breakdown. Not only that, the wounds were now infected and urgent treatment was needed if the patient wasn’t going to lose significant hand function. Noah even stayed to work with the orthopaedic team in Theatre to remove the clots, debride the wounds and repair them.
So it was already late by the time he left the hospital and went to his room in the staff quarters where there was no escaping the fact that what Abby had told him was not going to evaporate like any normal nightmare. This was a small, stark room in comparison to Abby’s spacious apartment but Noah hadn’t yet found the time or inclination to go searching for more permanent accommodation.
Maybe, deep down, he’d known he might not be staying here that long. How could he stay now that he was faced with the one thing he’d been determined never to go through again? This wasn’t new ground any more. This was history repeating itself in the worst possible way. The prospect of fatherhood, with all the responsibility and implications for the future that that entailed, along with the fear that came with knowing exactly how catastrophic it could be when things went wrong.
But then again...how could he not stay here? It was his baby that Abby was carrying. His child. As much as a huge part of him wanted to flee, he could never, ever contemplate running away from that reality.
But even the thought of becoming a father again was tearing his heart into pieces. He could remember that fierce joy and rush of love that had managed to puncture a numbing grief when he’d been allowed to hold his tiny infant in his arms for just a brief moment before she had been whisked away to the neonatal intensive care unit. And he could remember the agony of being allowed to hold her again as she’d taken her final breaths, when all those wires and tubes had been removed because it had been so obvious that nothing more could be done to keep her alive.
Oh... God...
He couldn’t stay shut in here with thoughts that were threatening to overwhelm him more than they had in years now. A full-on session of wheelchair basketball training would have been ideal to quash such unbearable memories and burn off emotions Noah didn’t want to have to deal with but that wasn’t an option tonight. It might never be an option again, in fact, because it felt like his friendship with Abby and everything that had come with that had just exploded in a fiery crash he hadn’t seen coming.
What he could do was what he’d done in the past to relieve stress and that was to run. Hard and fast, for as long as he could before exhaustion forced him to stop. Within minutes, Noah had changed and he was pounding the pavement that circled a local park—trying, but failing, to outrun the thoughts circling in his head.
This pain was never going to go away, was it? The reminders were far less frequent, of course, and the pain was less raw but it was something he’d never forget. Something he’d never, ever want to experience again, and the only guarantee that that could never happen had just been taken away from him. Shards of memory were repeatedly piercing whatever mantle of protection that hard exercise like this could normally provide.
He could remember everything in a kind of reverse order. The funeral where Ellen had been buried with her tiny baby in her arms. Those terrible hours in the neonatal intensive care unit. The trauma of his wife’s death and the shocking way their child had been delivered. The excitement in Ellen’s eyes as she’d told him she was pregnant. But there’d been a question there as well, because it hadn’t exactly been a planned pregnancy. She had wondered if he was going to be just as happy about it as she was. Whether it was the right time.
There’d been more than a question in Abby’s eyes today. Like the way she’d understood what it had been like for him to be in Lisa’s room so soon after the birth of her baby, it seemed that she knew exactly how hard it was going to be for him to be told he was going to be a father again. She had been feeling his pain and it was hurting her as well because...because she cared about him? Loved him, even?
He cared about Abby too. Not in the same way as he’d cared about Ellen, of course—he could never love anyone like that again—but he had absolute admiration for Abby and she was the closest friend he’d ever had. Because he’d never had a friendship that included sex before? Well...that had clearly been a mistake, hadn’t it?
Except that it still didn’t feel like a mistake. It had been so different. So... No... Noah couldn’t think of a word that could encompass how it had made him feel to be with Abby. To feel that connection that was unlike anything he’d found before. To feel the trust that had blossomed into an eagerness to learn everything he could teach her about enjoying her body. To give as much as she was receiving and to do it with humour and a tenderness that had touched him in far more than a purely physical way.
He hadn’t even asked her how she was feeling about the news today. Or if she was okay physically. Or what the implications of pregnancy and birth might be for a paraplegic woman. As he kept running, Noah tried to remember whether Ellen had had anything that had been a physical problem in her pregnancy but that period of his life was oddly blurry now. Instead of seeing Ellen in his head, he kept seeing Abby. Images that were brightly coloured instead of faded pastels. A living person rather than a ghost?
And he’d just walked out on her. As if he was the only one whose life was going to be changed for ever. How selfish was that? It was Abby who was going to be dealing with a lot more than he would have to and she was going to face more challenges than most pregnant women or new mothers.
Noah not only had a responsibility to a baby he wasn’t about to turn his back on, right now he had even more of a responsibility to the mother of his child and, by the time he’d completed his third circuit of the park, Noah knew what he had to do. What the right thing to do was. He might have learned to shut himself away from grief but he wasn’t about to try and bury guilt as well. Nothing could change what had given him so much grief but at least he had the power to change what would create guilt. He went back to his room to shower and change and then he walked the short distance to Abby’s apartment and rang her bell.
He rang it again but there was still no answer.
He could see there were no lights on in her ground-floor apartment either.
She wasn’t home. As Noah stood there, wondering where Abby might be and how long it might be before she came home, he could hear his stomach growling and remembered that he hadn’t bothered eating this evening. It would be sensible to go and find some food but he wasn’t going anywhere because it was far more important to talk to Abby. To tell her that he was going to be involved in their baby’s life as much as she wanted him to be. That he would do everything he could to support her as well.
Noah sat down on the step beside the wheelchair ramp. He was going to wait until Abby came home because he didn’t want her to spend the night thinking he had simply walked out on her and the future she now faced.
His commitment had been made and he wasn’t about to walk away from anything, no matter how hard it might be.
* * *
He still looked shell shocked.
But there was something about the tilt of his head and the way he got to his feet so deliberately as Abby approached that told her he was in control again and that he was going to face whatever lay ahead with dignity, kindness and probably the kind of humour she had learned was something they both used as a defence against the more difficult challenges life could throw at you. She felt so proud of him at this moment it made her want to cry. How could you not fall in love with a man that was this courageous? This honourable?
This life challenge was a doozy but Noah was here. He might have been here for some time while she’d been with Lisa, just waiting for her to come home, and that made her heart squeeze painfully because it felt like he really cared—about her and not just the baby or whatever arrangements needed to be made for the future.
‘You’d better come inside,’ Abby told Noah. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea you would be here. I went to visit Lisa and Hugh.’ She led the way up the ramp. ‘I thought you’d need time to...to think about things.’
‘I did,’ Noah agreed. ‘And I still do. I’m sure you do as well. But we’re in this together, Abby, and I wanted to make sure you knew that.’
There was no wine tonight. No firelight. Even the sexual attraction that had brought them to this situation seemed to have been snuffed out like a candle in an unexpected gust of wind. They avoided the squashy couches in the living area and sat on either side of Abby’s kitchen table.
‘How are you?’ Noah asked. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t ask earlier. That should have been the first thing I checked on. How you’re doing. How the...baby’s doing.’
‘I’m fine. Everything looks normal. They’ll do another scan in three or four weeks. You can come with me if...if you want to.’
She could see the muscles in Noah’s throat move as if it was difficult for him to swallow. ‘Of course. If I can...’ He cleared his throat. ‘Are there any problems you might be facing because of your...your...?’
‘Disability?’ Abby’s smile was wry. ‘It’s not a dirty word, Noah.’
He still looked so pale, she thought. The lines around his eyes were so much deeper. She wanted to touch him and offer comfort but she knew how unlikely that was to be welcome so she pushed her hands down to hide between her hips and the low sides of her chair as she curled them into fists.
‘There are some things that may be a problem,’ she admitted. ‘As the baby grows it’ll put pressure on my bladder, which may change the way I can manage. I might get bladder spasms and a urinary tract infection could trigger premature labour.’
Noah was nodding. He was finding this easier, wasn’t he? A medical scenario to think about instead of an emotional one.
‘I could get increased pressure on venous return from my legs so it puts me at increased risk of a deep vein thrombosis. I might have to wear some of those very sexy compression stockings.’
Her attempt at any kind of humour was falling flat. A bit like first time when he’d been so worried about whether she’d been hurt in that minor car accident and she’d told him she’d never walk again. Her heart was squeezing again as she remembered seeing him for the first time. Already starting to fall in love with him...
‘Apart from that, it might interfere with my centre of balance in later stages and I’ll need to adapt, but I’ve got plenty of time to get used to that.’
‘You’ll need help,’ Noah said. ‘Maybe I can help by organising a housekeeper? Or...someone to help you...?
‘I’m still perfectly independent,’ Abby told him. ‘And that’s the way I intend to stay.’
This felt like Noah was seeing her disability as a barrier—maybe for the first time? He hadn’t even seen it to start with. He hadn’t let it interfere with their professional relationship in any way. Or their friendship. Okay, he’d needed to get used to a different kind of sex life perhaps, but that hadn’t seemed to lessen the satisfaction he’d got from their time together and that reassurance had been just one of the gifts he’d given her.
Oh...if only he’d reach out and touch her now. Or better yet wrap her in his arms and take her to bed. Not for sex necessarily, but just to lie there and have this discussion like two people who cared deeply for each other and wanted a future together.
She could hear the sharp tone that came into her voice. The kind of prickly, defensive response that had always made men back off. ‘If I do find I need help I can organise it myself, thanks. I also have a supportive family with Lisa and Hugh. I won’t be the first disabled woman to have a baby, you know.’
Abby could feel Noah becoming cautious. Not knowing what to say.
‘I wasn’t suggesting you couldn’t cope, Abby. I...just want to help...’
‘Because I’m disabled.’
‘No...’ Was he going to become angry if she kept pushing this? ‘Because I’m involved. Because I care...’
Not enough... Abby tried to push the silent cry away. Was she trying to find a way to push Noah away as well? To make herself believe that it didn’t matter that he wasn’t in love with her and never would be? To protect her heart as much as possible?
‘I’m tired,’ she said. ‘I think it would be better if you left. I’ll see you at work, obviously, but we both need time to get used to this. We can talk about other things some other time. I’ll keep you posted on any medical appointments and, if you want to be there, that’s fine.’
Noah got slowly to his feet. ‘I’ll be there.’
‘I won’t be going to basketball training sessions any longer. Not until after the birth anyway.’ Abby followed Noah to her front door. ‘There’s no reason for you to stop going, though.’
‘I won’t be going either.’
Noah paused for a heartbeat on the step. When he turned, the expression in those dark eyes made Abby realise that he’d put up barriers. The kind she’d seen him use in his professional relationships at work where he gave nothing away, but it was something new when they were alone together. And it hurt. Knowing that he needed to protect himself from her broke Abby’s heart that little bit more.
But surely the bond of their friendship was still there?
When Noah paused again at street level, looked back and raised his hand in farewell, the way the corner of his mouth lifted in a half-smile gave Abby a beat of hope that she was right. That at least a part of that friendship might be intact. That the reason he wasn’t going to continue with a new sport that he really enjoyed was because she wasn’t going to be there with him.
They also had a new bond that would be there for the rest of their lives.
It wasn’t the kind of bond either of them would have chosen and it felt fragile and difficult. But it was there.
And perhaps it was something they could both build on—if they did it carefully?
CHAPTER SEVEN
‘DO YOU WANT to know if it’s a girl or a boy?’
Noah felt his breath catch somewhere deep in his chest. No. He didn’t want to know. This was hard enough, sitting in this dim room with the ultrasound technician on the other side of the bed Abby was lying on. He hadn’t seen Abby lying down for weeks now and it was...poignant. He missed that closeness they’d had. That friendship that had been strong enough to allow intimacy.
He had focused on the screen as soon as the scan had been started but he watched it with a clinical interest as he tried to make sense of the blobs that came in and out of focus. That was the head, of course...and there was the line of tiny vertebrae that made up the spine...
‘I think I do,’ Abby said. ‘What about you, Noah?’
It didn’t matter what he thought. This was about Abby. About supporting her in whatever way he could.
‘Up to you,’ he said. ‘It might make it easier to... I don’t know...think about names or what you’ll need in the way of baby clothes.’
He and Ellen had known they were having a girl. There’d been a huge box o
f tiny pink clothes to donate to a charity when he’d finally cleaned out their house to move away.
Abby’s head swivelled back towards the technician. ‘Can you tell?’ she asked.
‘Sometimes it’s easy.’ She nodded. ‘If it isn’t it could be either because baby might have his legs crossed but when he hasn’t...’
‘So it’s a boy?’
‘It is.’
‘Oh...’ Abby’s gaze was riveted to the screen so she didn’t see that Noah had to close his eyes to absorb this piece of news.
A boy.
His son...
He opened them as the technician moved the transducer to focus on the baby’s heart.
‘Here’s the cross-section, four-chamber view of baby’s heart. I’ll turn on the sound so you can hear it, too.’
Abby gasped as the sound filled the small room. And then she grinned. ‘Sounds like a dog’s chew toy after the squeaker’s broken,’ she said. But when her gaze slid away from the screen to catch Noah’s, he could see something that was very different to humour in her eyes.
He knew exactly what it was that had brought Abby to the verge of tears because he’d felt it himself that first time. The absolute wonder of a glimpse into a new life that was forming. A new person. Their child... Noah was braced for a flashback and needing to distance himself for protection but something else seemed to be happening in his head—and his heart?
This was different.
New ground. Not just because this was Abby he was with and not Ellen. Not just because the baby was a boy and not a girl. Maybe it felt so different because he was standing back and it felt like he was watching this happening to someone else through a barrier but there was a thread of something that he might be able to catch—like when you were trying to remember something that had happened in a dream. Noah wasn’t sure what it was but he did know it was worth catching. It was something good.
‘I’ll turn on the Doppler,’ the technician said, ‘so we can see the direction of blood flow in the heart.’ Coloured blobs now appeared on the screen, moving in time to the rapid beat. ‘No obvious turbulence or reverse flow,’ she said moments later. ‘And nothing crossing the septum. It’s all looking reassuringly normal.’
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