Kate sighs and shakes her head, as if trying to clear her mind of what she really wants to say. “Okay Adam. If you say you’re fine, then you’re fine. I gave Dax my number. Ring me if you ever need anything. I’m in the dormitories at UCLA.”
“Right,” I snap coldly, wanting this conversation to be over. I need to get the hell out of this club, get Ellie out of my brain permanently.
Undeterred by my scowl, Kate leans in and puts her arms around me, pulling me into a hug. “Take care, Adam.” Then she releases me and is gone before I can think of anything to say.
I sit down on the chair behind the desk, sagging in defeat. The cracking of my heart is so painful, it seems as if everyone in the club should be able to hear it fracture. I can’t hold back the sobs as they tear from my chest. Ellie never stopped loving me, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
And why would it? Ellie lied to me, because she knew I would come home to be with her. She selflessly gave me up so I could have everything, when the truth is, now I have nothing.
20
Ellie
“See you later, Mum!” I grab my books off my desk and head for the door. A tattered envelope sticking out of an old book of mine catches my eye. I snatch it up, stuffing it into my handbag before I can change my mind.
“I’ll be home late, so don’t wait up for dinner Ellie,” my mum says from her bedroom.
She got through her treatments and has been declared cancer free by her doctors. It was the perfect gift when they told her right before Christmas that she was officially ‘in remission’. Now it’s late February, and Mum has been working a new job answering phones in an office. It’s perfect for her because she’s still weak from the nine months of hell she went through. A desk job is exactly what she needs.
I’m only in my second term at university but I’m ready to get school over with and start my life. Once I’m a nurse, I’ll be able to get us a better flat than the one we moved into after Dad died. Mum just couldn’t live in the old one anymore. She said it had too many memories and made her sad. I agreed, but for my own reasons I’m sure. At least the new flat is close to the hospital and university. That makes it much easier on me for work and school, so I can’t complain.
By the time I get to class, the envelope in my handbag is practically burning a hole through the fabric. I still have fifteen minutes until the professor begins, so I pull it out and trace a finger along the tattered edges. My pulse is racing as I open the flap and pull out the plane ticket that Adam had bought for me so many months ago it seems as if it happened in a dream. I had tried to get the airline to refund the money to Adam, but they said he used cash so the best they could do was give me a credit slip. The credit is only good for one year, so that means it expires in a few months.
I turn the papers over in my hand, gently stroking the last thing that Adam ever gave me. I bring it to my nose to see if it still smells like him, knowing it won’t, but still feeling disappointed when it doesn’t. Dozens of times I’ve pulled out this ticket, wondering if I should just jump on a plane and go to Los Angeles. Mum was still unwell then, so of course it was just a fantasy, but now? Now she’s better, and getting stronger every day. I can’t leave her permanently, but could I risk a visit? There’s a holiday break in three weeks, so I could go if I wanted. I don’t have Adam’s phone number, but I still have Kate’s.
Sighing, I return the papers to the crumpled envelope and stuff it back into my bag. I can’t live like this, in this emotional limbo. I have to either find a way to rid myself of Adam permanently, or find him and beg him to forgive me and take me back. I have no idea which one would be more painful for me in the long run, but I know what my heart is telling me to do, and it’s not the safe option.
* * *
“Bloody hell, girl! Get over here and let me see you!” Kate’s voice rings out loud and clear in the baggage claim of LAX. I eagerly run to her and drop my hand baggage so I can hug my best friend. She no sooner has her arms around me and I start sobbing.
“Ellie, it’s okay.” Kate uses a soothing voice, patting my hair gently as my tears spill over onto her thin shirt. “I’m so sorry about your dad, El. I can’t believe I didn’t know.”
I pull away and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “It’s not your fault, Kate. You were traveling all summer with your team.”
“Right, but then you moved and no one had your new address or number.” Her eyes narrow, admonishing me for being so thoughtless.
I can feel the embarrassment of ditching my best friend heat up my cheeks. “I’m sorry, I thought it best to sever ties and move on.” My pathetic excuse for distancing myself from my friends is obviously not good enough based on the scowl she’s giving me.
“Not from me you won’t. You’re my best mate and I plan on that continuing, even if we’re miles apart,” she says confidently. Her wide smile perks me up a little, making me think that maybe this trip wasn’t as huge of mistake as I was convincing myself on the plane.
“Hey, you’re all tanned!” I change the subject to something less painful than the past.
She giggles and shrugs, “This is California, and it’s sunny pretty much every day. With all the footy, oops… I mean soccer I’ve been playing, I can’t help but catch some sun.”
We laugh the entire cab ride to Kate’s dormitory as she tells me about life in the U.S. My heart twists painfully at the thought of what could have been, had I only been here at school with her.
Kate unlocks the door to her room and throws my bag on the tiny couch. “Hope you don’t mind the sofa.”
“Not at all. I’m just glad your roommate is okay with me staying.”
“Pfffttthhh. I don’t care what she’s okay with.” Kate flicks her hand in annoyance. “She’s got a different dodgy guy in here every night. Her and her bloody freaking socks on the doorknob.”
I burst out laughing at the thought of Kate coming home to find a sock on her door, unable to enter her own room because her roommate is having a shag. She joins me and we laugh until our stomachs hurt. I haven’t felt this good or laughed this much in a long time.
“Let’s get dressed for tonight. I have the perfect little dress for you.” Turning from her overflowing wardrobe, she observes me carefully. “You sure you want to do this? We don’t have to.”
I sigh. “Kate, I have to see him. If it’s for nothing but closure, then at least we’ll have that. He deserves it. Hell, I deserve it.”
Kate walks over and takes my hand. “You do deserve it, El. Just… just don’t expect much. I haven’t seen the guys a lot, but they’ve changed. It’s different here, they’re different.” She frowns at the thought.
I snatch my hand back from hers. “I’m not expecting anything, Kate. And after everything I’ve been through, I can handle it, so don’t worry about me.”
I’m certain she sees right through my false bravado, but she lets it go, grinning instead. “Then get prettied up, gorgeous. We have to get moving if we’re going to catch the show.” I can see the smile on her face, but the lump that forms in my throat warns me that her smile is a front that she’s putting up for my sake.
* * *
I follow Kate out of the taxi and gasp at the line that wraps around the side of the club. “Holy crap! We have to wait in that?” I point at the crowd of people. “We’ll never get in.”
Kate smirks and takes my hand, yanking me towards the burly bouncer in a tight black shirt. She confidently approaches him as he gives her the once over and lifts an eyebrow at us.
“We’re on the VIP list, under Davies,” she says confidently, not caring one bit that the people in line are glaring at us, if not wishing us dead for skipping the enormous queue.
He frowns and checks his clipboard. “Alright.” The big man unhooks the rope and allows us to enter.
Kate never lets go of my hand as she tows me through the crowded club, weaving towards the bar. “See,” she says, “it pays to know someone. They didn’t even check our ID’s, if
they did, we’d be out of luck getting in. You have to be twenty-one to drink in the U.S.”
“You didn’t mention that you still spoke to Dax.”
“Didn’t I?” she says innocently.
“No.” I cross my arms over my chest, “you didn’t.”
“We’re not best mates or anything, El. We text now and then. Really, I haven’t seen him in weeks.”
“I’m not mad, I just feel left out. You get to be here with them, and I’m… ” I stop and take a deep breath, willing myself not to cry.
She puts her arm around my shoulders and squeezes, “You’re here now, and we’re going to see our guys play. Plus, Dax said some movie crew is here tonight partying and it’s a big deal or something.”
I do my best to smile and seem excited, but the nerves in my stomach are making me feel ill. “I need a drink,” I blurt out. This is exactly why I wouldn’t let her tell the guys I’m here. In case I lose my nerve and leave before I see them, which I’m dangerously close to doing.
“That’s something we can definitely remedy.” She turns and flags down the bartender, ordering vodka tonics for each of us. “Cheers!” Kate holds her drink up and we clink glasses. I finish mine way faster than I should, desperately needing my hands to stop shaking and my mind to stop racing.
“Wow!” Kate stares at my already empty glass with wide eyes. She gets me another and we mingle through the crowd, chatting and smiling at everyone. She’s braver than me, walking right up to some of the crew from the movie she said would be here, introducing us and letting them know that we’re friends with the band.
By the time the lights dim and we turn to face the stage, I’m half-pissed on vodka and having a great time. When the guys come out and take their places, I become immobile, my feet feeling as if they’re made of lead. We’re only a few meters from where the man that I love is standing, introducing himself and the other members of the band.
The music starts and Adam sings, his beautiful voice resonating through the club. The rest of the crowd vanishes and it’s only me and him, just like it was when he used to sing to me during practice at the DK, or in my bedroom after we made love and he’d whisper lyrics in my ear while I played with his soft hair.
I’m suddenly lightheaded and have to forcibly remember to breathe. My entire body vibrates from his nearness, remembering every touch, every promise ever made, every feeling he ever pulled from me with his mouth and hands.
Adam’s voice is haunting, sadder than it used to be. The words are of loss, of pain. I blink and a few tears escape, running down my cheeks before I can swipe them away.
“Here you go.” A kind man around my age with an American accent hands me a napkin to dab at my face.
I take it gratefully and give him a small smile. “Sorry, I guess the music is just really moving,” I say pathetically, not wanting to spill my guts to this handsome stranger.
“Don’t worry about it.” He nods towards the stage. “They’re good, that’s for sure. I’m Drew.” He holds out his hand and I shake it, glad that he’s not making a big deal of my stupid crying in the middle of a rock concert.
“Ellie, nice to meet you.” I look up to meet his incredible green eyes. Bloody hell but he’s good looking!
Drew’s dark eyebrows scrunch together, those sharp eyes giving me a puzzled look. “Are you friends with the band? They’re British too, aren’t they?”
He’s intelligent as well, putting that together based on my accent. “Sort of. We went to school together. Well, Adam and Dax and me, not Gavin or Hawke.”
Drew nods in understanding. He waves at a large group nearby as they shout his name. “My friends are calling me over. Have a nice time, Ellie.”
“Yeah, you too.” I give him one last glance, watching as he joins his mates. He grabs a gorgeous blonde girl and kisses her. Sighing, I turn back to face the stage.
When the show is over, Kate leads me backstage. My nerves are so shot I can hardly put one foot in front of the other. The vodka that had me feeling so good earlier has left me queasy and stumbling.
“Are you ready?” she asks, her face so serious that I almost laugh.
“No… but let’s do this.” I smooth my hands down the beautiful red dress Kate lent me and paste on a giant smile.
She knocks on the dressing room door and walks right on in, not waiting for anyone to answer. Four men spin and face us, shock on three faces, and confusion on the fourth.
“Ellie! Bloody hell! I can’t believe it!” Dax crosses the room in three big strides and grabs me, swinging me round in a circle. “What are you doing here?” He plants a giant, wet kiss on my cheek, laughing as we spin.
“Put me down and I’ll tell you,” I cry out. “Unless you want me to be sick all over you.” He frees me from his suffocating arms and puts me on my feet. Before I can explain, the other guys are on me in an instant.
“Ellie! How’s it going?” Gavin embraces me in a tight hug.
Hawke comes up and gives me a hug as soon as Gavin releases me. “What’s up, girl?”
The last man clears his throat as he walks over to us.
“Oh,” Dax says. “El, this is our manager, Ross Evans. He’s Hawke’s uncle.”
The dark haired, older man leans in and shakes my hand. “Nice to meet you. Ellie, is it?”
“Yes, nice to meet you as well.” I scan the room and realize that Adam isn’t here. The crushing disappointment must show on my face.
“He already left for a party. Jumped a ride with one of the film crew,” Gavin whispers in my ear. He knows me well enough to gather that I’m here for Adam. “I’m guessing he didn’t know you were coming, since none of us knew.”
I look at the floor, too embarrassed to face my friends after disappearing on them without a word last year. “I’m sorry, Gavin.”
“Ellie, we know what you went through. It’s okay, no one is mad at you.” Gavin takes my hand in his and gives it a friendly squeeze.
“Is Adam mad at me? You know, for what I did?” I finally bring my eyes up to meet theirs. As my gaze lands on each familiar face, I see pity, or possibly sadness for me, confirming my suspicions. Inhaling a shaky breath I tell them, “It’s fine, really. I wouldn’t expect him to not be angry after what I did. I’m sure I deserve it.” I put on my best pretend smile. “Now, let’s get to this party, yeah?”
The three men give me weak smiles and agree with me, grabbing their things so we can head out. Hawke’s uncle says his good-byes and tells the guys he’ll speak with them tomorrow.
Kate bumps her hip into mine. “C’mon El, we’re going to a big Hollywood party. It’ll be great.”
I don’t reply. There’s nothing to say. The dread in the pit of my stomach is growing, and the only person who can stop it isn’t here and most likely doesn’t want to see me.
It takes everything I have not to just catch a cab for the airport and fly back home, letting the misery consume me. The only thing that keeps me going is the belief that I owe Adam closure. If he wants to shout at me, hate me, never see me again… I at least want to give him that chance.
I can only hope for myself that he still loves me, yet for his sake, I hope he doesn’t.
It’s just easier that way.
21
Adam
The sleek car pulls up in front of a giant, gated mansion in the Hollywood Hills. It’s lit up like the London Eye and is almost as big as Kensington Palace. The decadence of it is outrageous.
“Christ, this place is huge,” I mutter to myself as I stare out the passenger side window.
I wasn’t as quiet as I thought because the guy driving responds to me. “I know. Sebastian Wright is a big deal in this town. He produces a lot of films and almost always has at least one nomination each year at awards season.”
I think about that for a few minutes as we wait in line for the valet. If I could get a role, even a small one, in one of this guy’s movies, I could get enough money to fly home and find El. Maybe even enough to mo
ve her and her mum to L.A. so she wouldn’t have to choose between us again.
I figure I’ve had plenty of practice faking my way through life, making sure no one saw anything but the happy, popular guy at school when my reality was complete and total bullshit. The only time I was genuine was with my band or with Ellie.
Certainly acting can’t be that different. Although, I haven’t been good at keeping up the façade lately. Even Dax says I’ve been a surly arsehole the last few months. I’m sure it’s the drinking. It makes me leave the good-guy behind. Turns me into a bastard. Fuck, I don’t even know which one is the act anymore, good-guy or bastard. I don’t think I care.
“Let’s go, Adam.” The guy who drove me hands his keys to the valet and steps out of the car. I can’t even remember this guy’s name, just that he works on the crew for this producer’s latest movie.
“Right.” I put on my happy face and stride up the front stairs like I belong here. What a fucking joke. The cockney son of a crack whore and a drunk from the East End of London belonging in a multi-million dollar mansion in Hollywood? I can’t even convince myself of that.
Shit. “I need a drink,” I tell my companion, spotting the bar on the patio out back. “I’ll catch up with you later.” I disappear in the crowd before he can say a word.
“Hey sweetie.”
“Hi gorgeous.”
“Looking for fun?”
“Want to dance?”
It takes forever to make my way to the bar with all of the different women stopping me and grabbing at my shirt or my arms. I brush off each one of them with a smile and a promise to be right back, knowing that if I have my way, I’ll be drunk enough to not remember a single one of them in an hour or so.
“Whiskey, neat, and don’t be stingy,” I tell the bartender. He raises an eyebrow at me, but makes my drink and hands it to me without comment. I throw back the double in a few quick gulps and immediately ask for another. My nerves have got to calm down so I can score with this producer. I grab the second drink and sip it slower than the first, glancing around the crowd as I unwind.
The Complete Rockstar Series Page 12