"Is that Friday?" I ask. She looks up at me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, it's just that the
fifteenthisthedayofmygraduation." "So?"
"So,I won't beabletoleaveateight?
"Well, I don't think we can delay our departure on your account," she says, walking to the bags in the
fronthall.
"No, the thing is, my grandmother is throwing a party for me that evening, so I really can't leave until
Saturday."I followher.
"Well, therentalstartsonFriday,sowe can't leaveonSaturday,"shesays,asifexplainingtoGrayer.
"No,I understandthat. I'm sureI couldtake a busuponSaturday. I'd probablybetherebyfiveorso."
I follow her back to the dining room table where she adds her shoppingbags to the stockpile. "So what
you're basically tellingme isthat,ofthefourteendays we needyou, youwill notbe available fortwoof
them. I don't know, Nanny. I just don't know. We're invited to the Blewers' for dinner on Friday and the PiersonbarbecueonSaturday.I justdon't know?Shesighs. "I'll havetothinkaboutthis."
"I'm really sorry. If itwere anything else. But I reallycan't miss mygraduation."I benddowntopick up theerrantsocks.
"I supposenot.Well, letmediscuss itwith Mr. Xand I'll letyouknow."IfI canmiss mygraduation?
"Okay, also, I wanted to ask you about getting paid, becausemy rent is due this week?And you haven't paidmeinthreeweeks.AndI nowoweyour husband's girlfriendeighthundreddollars.
"I've beenso busy. I'll trytogettothebankthisweek.Thatis,assoonasyouwrite upyour hoursforme, soI cangoover them? SheisinterruptedbynakedGrayerpeekingaroundthedoorway. "GRAYER!" sheshouts. We bothfreeze. "Whatisthehouserule?" Helooksupat her. "Nopenisesinthehouse?" "That's right. Nopenises inthehouse.Wheredopenisesstay?"
"Penisesstayinthebedroom."
"Yes, in the bedroom. Nanny, would you see that he gets his clothes on?" Grayer walks solemnly ahead
ofme,his barefeetmakingslidingnoises onthemarble.
I seetheballed-up clothes onthefloorofthebathroom.
"I hadanaccident." Hepushesatoneof his woodcarswith his toes.
"That's okay."I pickuptheclothesandturnonthebathwater. "Let's getyoucleanedup,okay,bud?"
"Okay."Heputshis arms out forme topickhim up.I pulloffmydirty sweatshirt and lifthim up.As we
wait for the tub to fill I bounce him a little and walk back and forth. He gives the weight of his head to my shoulder and I wonder if he might be falling asleep. I walk him over to the mirror, wrapping him in a toweltokeephimwarm, anddiscover inthereflectionthathe's suckinghisthumb.
Nanny,
I don. knowifyouwerefactoringtheferryintoyour calculations,butI havetopointouthtatit canaddanotherfullhourtothejourney. Iwaswonderingif youcouldeither(a)catchtheeleveno. lock bus Friday night, which would get you to Nantucket at 6am or (b) take the 6am bus Saturday morning,whichwouldgetyoutherebyone,intimeforthebarbecueifwe golate. Let me know,
DearMrs. X,
I really appreciate your looking into alternate transportation for me. While I in no way want to
inconvenience you, I feel it would be impractical to commit to an earlier start time as I have to attend a number of graduation events on Friday evening. I will be in Nantucket by 7 P.M. and, of course, anticipateyouwill adjust mypayaccordingly.
Speakingofwhich,I waswonderingifyou've hadthechancetogettothebankasmyrentisdue.
Pleasefindattached a listof myhoursasyourequested.Again,I reallyappreciatetheoptions.
Thanks! Nanny
Nanny,
Iam alittlepuzzledbyyourrecalcitranceregardingourdeparture. However,Istillhopethatwe canreachacompromise. Perhapsyoucouldarrivebythreeandtake ataxitothePiersons?
DearMrs. X,
As I, of course, do not wish to be anything other than accommodating I might be able to make it there bysix.
Nanny
Nanny,
Never mind. The woman the housecleaning agency furnished us with will look after Grayer until yougetthere.
p.s. I would like to have a conversation regarding the hours you listed for Wednesday the third. I believe I tookhimshoppingthatday.
DearMrs. X,
I defer to your records regarding the 3rd. Also, as I mentioned, I'll need to leave by two on Thursday becauseI havemythesisdefense. Thanks,Nanny
DearMrs. X,
Just a quickreminder thatmythesis defenseistomorrow,so I'll needtoleaveat2 o'clocksharp.Also,if youcouldpayme,thatwouldbegreat.
DearMrs. X,
I'll seeyouattwo!
"Where is she!" I look at the oven clock for the millionth time in five minutes. 2:28. I am supposed to be defendingmy thesis in exactly forty-seven minutes. Myentire academic career is aboutto culminate withoutmeas apanelof professorsinterrogatesanemptychairaboutchilddevelopment!
"Don't shout."Grayer looksup, his eyebrows scrunched.
"I'm sorry,Grove. Will youexcuseme for asecond?"
"Are yougonnapee?"
"Yes. Don't forget your milk." I leave him finishing his melon and walk into the maid's bathroom, turn
onthefaucet,shutthe
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door, flush the toilet, and scream into a hand towel. "FUCK!" My voice is absorbed by the terry cloth.
"Where the fuck is she? Fucking fuck." I sit down on the bathroom floor, tears starting to well at the cornersof myeyes.
"Fuck." I shouldhavewritten "two o'clock"with lipstickonevery mirrorintheapartment!I shouldhavepinned a hugenumber two on the end of her pashmina when she wanderedout this morning!I debate grabbing Grayer and runningdown Madison screaming her name like Marion Brando. My frustration becomes a hysterical silentgiggle, tearsstill runningdownmyface.
I take a deep breath, slapmycheeks a little, dry myeyes, andtrytocompose myself for Grover. ButI'm
still giggling a bitwhenI walkbackintothekitchentofindMrs. Xstandingover him.
"Nanny, I'd appreciateitifyoudidn't leaveGrayerunattendedwith silverware."
I lookdownatthespoononhis Linnaeusplacemat. "I'm sorry?
"My,you're dressedup."Shepicks a pieceofmelonoffGrayer's plate.
"Thanks,actually it's formythesisdefensewhich startsinthirty-five minutes."I headforthedoor.
"Oh, right. I thought there was something." She saunters over to put her alligator Kelly bag on the
counter. "I made it to the bank this morning. Let's sit down in my office and go over the list you gave
me?Shepulls anenvelopeout.
"Great,thanks,butI reallybetter run,"I sayover myshoulder.
Shestandswith onehandonherhip. "I thoughtthishadtobedonetoday."
"Well, ifI don't go I'll belate,"I callbackfromthefronthallwhereI leftmynotes.
Shesighsloudly,bringingme backintothekitchen.
"Besmart, Nanny!" Grayer craneshis headfromhis boosterseat. "You'll besmart!"
"Thanks,Grove."
"I'm extremely busy and right now is the only convenient time for me to do this. I don't know when I'll beabletositdownwith youagain,Nanny. I went all thewaytothebank?
"Great. No,let's do it. Thankyou." I pull out of mystackof papers a typed, revised list of all thehours I workedinthelastfiveweeks. "So,asyoucansee,itaverages betweenfourandfivehundred aweek."
She looks down at the paper for a few moments while I shift my weight from foot to foot. "This is a little higherthanweoriginally discussed."
"Well, theoriginallistI gaveyouwastwoweeksagoandI've accruedover sixtyhourssincethen."
She sighs and starts counting out twenties and fifties, slowly sliding them back and forth between her fingers to ensure that none of the bills are stuck together. She hands them over, her Hermes limoge banglesclankingtogether."It sureis a lotofmoney."
I smile back at her. "Well, it adds up over five weeks." I turn on my heels, brushing Grayer's head as I pass him. "Have a greatafternoon,guys!"
I slather conditioner into my hair and massage the idea of quitting into my head. I imagine myself, undertheawning infrontof 721 Park,giving Mr. andMrs. X a good,swift carto
onkickthatlandsthem in the meridian shrubbery. Lovely. However, the image becomes much less clear with the addition of Grayer. Grover,inhis big tie,looksup atme expectantlywhile his parentsflail around inthemanicured shrubs. I sigh, pushing my face under the hot water. And then there's the money. I'm nauseated at the thoughtofhaving tomailMs. Chicagonearlyhalf ofwhatMrs. X finallypaidme today.
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A little meow breaks my thoughts and I pull the curtain aside to see George, silhouetted in the candlelight, sitting primly beside the tub, waiting for me to splash him. I drop a little water on his head andhedartsbehindthetoiletintoshadow.
At least I have a quiet night to myself to celebrate a successfully defended thesis. And an eleven P.M. phone date with H. H. to look forward to. I wrap the towel around my torso, scoop up my clothes, and blow out the candle. Opening the bathroom door, I freeze at the sound of voices coming from the far endoftheapartment. Myend,tobeprecise.
"Hello?" 1 call out into the bright light. I can always tell when Charlene is home because she turns on every singlelight.
"I'm home," Charlene calls back flatly. Myheart sinks. I pull the towel tight and walk past her screen to my side of the room. My desk lamp shines down on the candle I'd lit before getting in the shower. She standswithHairyPilot measuringmybed.
"It's kind of a mess in here, Nanny," she says, rolling up the tape measure. "Go over there and let's do thatsideoftheroom," sheinstructsHairy,whopushespastme,nearlysteppingonGeorgetostandnear mystereo.
"I hadmythesisdefensetoday,soI've beenatthelibraryevery night." I stepoutofthe way, tuckingmy underwear into a less visible spot in the ball under my arm as she walks with purpose to join her mate. "I'm sorry,canI helpyoutwowithsomething?"
She hands him one end of the tape measure and walks it back to the other wall. "I wanted to see if his
couchwouldfithere." Mystomachtightens.Thisis theantithesis of therelaxingeveningI hadin mind.
She stands straightening her navy skirt. "Nanny, I wanted to talk to you this week, but you never
answeredthephone?
"Myleaseisup.I'm moving inattheendofthemonth,"Hairyvolunteers. Fabulous.
"So that gives you, like, two weeks to find something else. That should be plenty of time," she says,
grabbing a penoffmydresser to
write the measurements on a Post-it. "Julie and her fianceare coming over to play cards in an hour.Are
you cool with that?" She steps past me. "God, it's so steamy back here. Are you taking showers in the
darkagain?That's soweird."Sheshakesherhead.
I regain my composure as Hairy follows her, barely evading George's stealth attack. "I'm just on my
way downtown, actually," I say to the floor. George stands under my chin to receive a drip. I reach for
thephone,hopingJosh'11bepleasedtohearfromme.
The next morning I dig throughevery pocketuntil I find thenapkin on which Josh wrote thereal estate
people's name. I do aquickprayer fortheapartment-deprivedanddialtheofficenumber.
"Hehlow!"A horrendousNewYork accentanswers ontheseventhring.
"Hello,I'm lookingforPat."
"She doesn't workhereanymore."
"Oh.Well, perhapsyoucanhelpme?I'm lookingtorent astudioforJulyfirst."
"Can't helpyou."
"What?"
"Can't help you. It's only the beginning of the month. You want a place for July you showup at the end
ofthemonthwith afistful of cash,sayatleasttwelve thousandtostart,andwe'll tawk."
"Cash?"
"Cash."
"I'm sorry,twelve thousandincash?"
"Cash.Forthelandlord.You've gottacome with thefirstyear's rentincash."
"Theentire firstyear?"
"Andyouhavetobringdocumentationprovingthatyounet,net, mindyou,forty-four times themonth's
rent,andyour guarantors?
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"Mywhat?"
"Guarantors. he people who are going to guarantee that the rent gets paid even if you die, typically, your parents. But they must live in the tristate area so their assets can be seized and they have to net at leastonehundredtimes therent."
"Thatseems alittle extreme. I justwant asmall studio,nothing
fancy?
"Oh, my Gawd. This is June! June! Every American under the age of thirty is graduating from
somethingandmoving here."
"But all thatincash?"
"Honey, the Wall Street kids all get relo money from their companies. You want to beat them out you
gotta payupfront."
"Oh,myGod."
Shetakes a deepbreath. "Whatwereyoulookingtospend?"
"I don't know. . . six,sevenhundred."
"A month?" She holds thephone away from her mouth while shecackles. "Honey, do us all a favor and
lookintheVoice for a share."
"ButI don't wanttoshare."
"ThenI wouldgetmyself anapartmentinQueensand acanofpepperspray."
"Well, doyouhaveanylistings inBrooklyn?"
"We don't dotheboroughs."Shehangsup.
Thehairs onthebackof myneckstandupasI hearthedistinct tearof a condomwrapperfromtheother
side of Charlene's screen. Ugh! I throw myself down on the bed, pulling the pillows over my ears.
Forgetquitting, bygraduation I'll bebeggingMrs. Xtoletmemove in.
H. H. gives Grandma another twirl around the dance floor to the strains of the salsa band she has hired fortheeveningfrom her
favorite Mexicanrestaurant. Herapartmentisaglowincolorfulpaperlanterns.
"And he can dance!" she calls out to where my parents and I are sitting on her terrace, her flamenco
skirtswingingasheturnsher.
Momleansintowardme. "He's adorable."
"I know,"I saywith pride.
"Hey, watch it. Father's present," Dad says jokingly from where he sits in the chaise beside us. The
evening is warm and Grandma set the food up out here where my friends mingle with my parents'
friendsaroundthecandlelittables.
"Thatguyover therewants to payme tosculptmyelbows," Sarahsays, coming over with two plates of
cakeandhandingonetomymother.
"Yeah,sure. tstartswith theelbows.. ." Dadwarns'her.
Thesongfinishesand H. H. andGrandmaapplaudtheband.
"Darling!" Grandmacomes outonhis arm. "Didyougetsomecake?"
"Yes, Gran,"I say.
"You." My grandmother snaps her fingers at my reclining dad. "Get out there and give your wife a
twirl." Mom stands, extending her hand in Dad's direction. They shuffle off in step to the music. "How
are my darlings?" Grandma asks as she and H. H. sit down on the chaise. "Has everyone had enough to
eatanddrink?"
"The party is divine, Frances," Sarah thanks her. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make sure our
friendJoshuaisn't offlosinghis paella."Shedisappearsontothedancefloor.
I leanbacktolookupatthestars. "It's strangetoactuallybefinishedwith school?
"Life isschool,darling," Grandmacorrectsme,takinga forkfulofDad's unfinishedcake.
"ThenI'm inRealEstate101,"I say, pickingup myforktojoin her. "I only havetheweekendafter I get
backfromNantuckettofindanapartmentandget all mystuffout ofChezCharlene."
THE NANNY DIARIES "That's Mrs. Hairytoyou," H. H. interjects. Grandmareachesout herbangledarmtosqueezemyhand. "I'm sosorryyoucan't staywith me,butI've
already rearranged the guest room for Orve's potting wheel." This will be Orve's second summer-in!residence with Grandma. She has a long-held summer tradition of hosting fledgling artists from all parts of the globe. hey teach her technique in exchange for sumptuous room and board. "You'll find something. havefaith."
"So doI,darling," H. H. says, mimicking mygrandmother's ebullienttone. ShewinksathimasshestandsandI notice a glint ofblueather throat. "New necklace, Grandma? It's charming." "Isn't it? I was in Bendel's last week and there were
these
little blue lacquer letters." She fingers the tiny 5 and SL hanging on the gold chain around her neck. "Theywere all bythemselves inthedisplaycase,therestofthealphabetmust havesold.I justhadsuch a good laugh, get it? FQ, say it real fast." She laughs deeply as she merenguesher way back inside and, forthefirst timesincethis afternoon's ceremony,I am alonewith H. H.
"Come on," he says softly, taking my hand and leading me over to the stone balustrade overlooking the park. "I think your family rocks." "Believe it or not, I can't complain," I say, placing my arms around himaswe lookoutacross thecity.
"I'm going to miss you so much," he says, giving me a squeeze. "Sure you are. While you're off in Amsterdamwith all thepornstars,smokingthepot?
"It's The Hague.A full twenty minutes from all that. No porn stars. No pot. Just me, missing you, and a wholelotofpolitical prisoners with grievances."
I turn my head and reach up on my tiptoes to kiss him. "Those political prisoners, whine, whine, whine,"I murmur.
Hekissesthetopofmynoseandthenmyforehead. "Andwhat
aboutyou?Stuckatthebeachwith all thoselifeguards,poolboys, cabanaboys?
"Oh, my god. I'm not going to the Riviera.'m going to stinky little Nantucket." I smack my hand on topoftherailing. "Shit. I forgottocheckmymessages!"
Herollshis eyes. "Nan?
"Wait, wait,wait. t'll only takeme twominutes. I justhavetocallmymachineandfindoutwhattime they're pickingmeupfromtheferrytomorrow. Don't move, I'll berightback!"
I go into Grandma's bedroom to use the salmon-pink Princess phone on the night table, moving aside a few of her needlepoint pillows to sit on the sateen bedspread.As I punch the answering-machine code into the keypad the soft light of the room reminds me of sleep-overs from my childhood when she wouldleavethelampsonuntil I fellasleep.
Mrs. X's voice comes through like ice cubes dropped down the back of my dress. "Oh, Nanny, good news. ur friends the Horners are flying up tomorrow at nine and have graciously offered to let you come along. So you'll be in Nantucket by nine-thirty in the morning. Now, Nanny, these are very dear friends of ours so I'm counting on you to be timely about this. Plan to meet them at the Westch-ester CountyAirportintheprivate-plane departurearea.You'll needtotaketheseven-fiftyMetro-North train to Rye and a taxi or something to get out to the airport. They have three girls, so they should be easy to spot. Now, they're doing this as a favor, so you really can't be late.Actually, you might want to plan to beatGrandCentralStationbysix-fiftyjusttogive yourself time? Beep.
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