Bag and baggage.
Junior said the way things works here is if you got a ticket on a horse what pays six dollars you don’t get no six dollars.
He said you get sixty bingo cards and a little sack of beans.
Bet-A-Bunch said what do you get if you win the bingo game?
Junior scratched his head.
He said well now that’s the funny part.
He said you get paid off in more bingo cards.
He said and more beans.
I said well there can be very little doubt that this Larcenik guy has a very keen business mind.
Junior said them beans is good for more than just marking bingo cards.
He said the horsemen picks them up and afore you know it they got enough for a sandwich.
Junior climbed into the Triple Octane tow truck.
He said well I’ll see you fellers later.
He said probly during the fire tonight.
I said what fire?
Junior frowned.
He said hard to say.
He said they got a fire out here damn near every night.
35
…grandparents is folks what say oh my God what is this world coming to?…which is a very good question by the way…
Monroe D. Underwood
The feature event of that afternoon was the Nikapauca Stakes.
The Nikapauca Stakes purse was thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents.
Bet-A-Bunch and I went to the rail to watch the race.
There were upwards of one hundred people on hand but most of them were lined up waiting to ride the Ferris wheel.
A bushy-browed belligerent-looking guy stood next to us.
He was studying his program and chomping on a dead cigar.
I said sir can you tell me what nikapauca means?
The belligerent looking guy glanced up.
He said kiss my royal ass.
I said look chief I don’t want trouble but I can handle it.
The belligerent-looking guy said what the hell’s wrong with you?
He said in Winnebago nikapauca means kiss my royal ass.
He said I ought to know.
He said my grandmother was a Winnebago.
He said she was always saying nikapauca.
He said usually to my grandfather.
I said what did your grandfather say?
The belligerent-looking guy said my grandfather didn’t say nothing.
He said he just followed instructions.
He said my grandfather was a Blackhawk.
He said you want to know what nikapauca means in Blackhawk?
I said not really.
The belligerent-looking guy said well go screw yourself.
Bet-A-Bunch nudged me.
He said was that the translation?
I shrugged.
I said I kind of doubt it.
36
…in 1964 I met a feller what had gone around grinning and whistling “Taps” for twenty-nine years…his mother-in-law had disappeared in 1935…
Monroe D. Underwood
Lucifer Larcenik climbed a ladder to a shaky wooden platform.
He raised a tarnished and dented old bugle.
He blew a fractured version of “Taps.”
The eight boniest knockkneedest pigeontoedest bowleggedest brokendowndest bandageduppest horses in the world staggered into view.
As they came creaking onto the track I brushed away a tear.
Bet-A-Bunch kicked at his satchel and gulped hard.
He said yeah that “Taps” is sure a sad song.
I said I ain’t crying over “Taps.”
I said I’m crying over those poor beat-up old horses.
Bet-A-Bunch said hey they ain’t got no jockeys.
I said that figures.
I said they ain’t strong enough to carry jockeys.
The cadaverous animals didn’t warm up.
They conserved their meager strength by tottering directly to the starting gate.
Lucifer Larcenik put his bugle down.
He picked up a baseball bat.
He teed-off on a washtub suspended from a gnarled maple tree.
At the sound of the big clang the starting stalls flew open and the ancient horses blundered forth.
In a little while Lucifer Larcenik grabbed a megaphone and faced the nearly empty grandstand.
He said the first quarter took just two minutes flat.
He said this equals the Waupuwukee Downs track record.
Four people applauded.
The horses meandered down the backstretch.
A skeletal fifteen-year-old chestnut mare named Sister Juniper had wobbled to a three-length lead.
As they drifted into the far turn an enormous black bear came out of the bushes.
He climbed the fence.
He lit out after Sister Juniper.
Sister Juniper took one look and got right down to business.
She quickly extended her lead to sixty lengths.
She did the final quarter in thirteen and one-fifth seconds.
A new world’s record.
Sister Juniper paid seventy-three-sixty forty-six even and twenty-nine-eighty.
The bear paid seven-twenty and three-eighty.
A fat gray-haired lady in the stands was hysterical with joy.
She held the only ticket on Sister Juniper.
She cashed it and received seven hundred and thirty-six bingo cards and a bushel of beans.
37
…only straitjacket I ever seen was one they put on a feller what saluted the flag…
Monroe D. Underwood
Bet-A-Bunch picked up his satchel and we strolled over to the antiquated Ferris wheel.
It was a monster.
It towered nearly two hundred feet into the blue Wisconsin sky.
Its rims were painted gold and its huge spokes were red and its little wire passenger cages were glossy black.
A great many people fidgeted nervously while waiting to board the awe-inspiring contraption.
It whirled at tremendously high speed to create a blizzard of flying paper cups and discarded hot dog wrappers.
Its every revolution was accompanied by nerve-warping metallic shrieks.
The giant wheel careened insanely back and forth on its rusty axle and Bet-A-Bunch stepped back and stared at it apprehensively.
He said Chance this sonofabitch is downright dangerous.
He said it got to be reported.
I said yeah but to who?
Bet-A-Bunch said well I could start with that Phineas T. Singletree.
He said he looks like a man what gets things done.
In the distance we could hear Lucifer Larcenik intoning the bingo game numbers.
Bet-A-Bunch hoisted his satchel and we walked slowly toward the horse van.
Bet-A-Bunch looked disconsolate.
He said I was kind of hoping my daughter would drive up to see me.
He said she ought to.
He said hell I just bought her a new car.
I said does she know where you are?
Bet-A-Bunch said well I didn’t talk to her direct but I left word with her girlfriend what just got back from Seattle I think.
I said maybe she had trouble with her car.
Bet-A-Bunch said how the hell could you have trouble with a brand-new twenty-two-thousand-dollar car?
I shrugged.
I said easy if it’s a foreign car.
I said your daughter will show up.
I said I’m sure she’s interested in you.
Bet-A-Bunch said yeah maybe so.
He said kids are funny these days.
From the grandstand area came a hair-raising lingering scream.
Bet-A-Bunch stopped short.
He said my God what was that?
I said well from here it sounded like a hair-raising lingering scream.
Bet-A-Bunch said you know by God that’s exactly what it sounded like to me.
In a few moments a fat gray-haired woman was led from the grandstand by two men in white coats.
She was wearing a straitjacket.
Her eyeballs wobbled wildly in their sockets.
In opposite directions.
She was foaming at the mouth.
She croaked bingo bingo bingo.
Incessantly.
Bet-A-Bunch said what the hell happened?
One of the white-coated guys shook his head sadly.
He said poor thing.
He said her mind snapped.
He said keeping track of seven hundred and thirty-six bingo cards was more than she could handle.
He said particularly after one of the horsemen stole her bushel of beans.
38
…oncet I knowed a feller what bought a foreign car…died of old age before he found the starter…it was in the ashtray…
Monroe D. Underwood
Early in the crisp June evening I sat with Bet-A-Bunch on the hood of the old horse van.
The moon peeked over the distant trees.
Bet-A-Bunch’s satchel was on the bumper at his feet.
He had found a couple of horse blankets in the back of the van.
He said well at least we won’t freeze to death.
I said no but there is a damn good chance we will die of starvation.
I said half-a-dozen Marsh-O-Puff candy bars a day ain’t exactly a balanced diet.
Bet-A-Bunch said Marsh-O-Puff candy bars beats hell out of horseburgers.
I shrugged.
Bet-A-Bunch said I think Sheik Ali-Ben Hazzar’s outfit is setting up camp along the backstretch.
He said I see a lot of lanterns over there.
I said why would a rich sheik bring his stable to a bush-league track like Waupuwukee Downs?
Bet-A-Bunch said I bet he got a ulterior motive.
I said those foreign cars aren’t any good.
I said I bet he got a Cadillac.
39
…blankets covers a multitude of sins…
Monroe D. Underwood
The moon was high and Bet-A-Bunch was yawning and I had burned half a pack of cigarettes.
Bet-A-Bunch said I’m gonna sleep in the back of the van tonight.
I said not me.
I said I’m going first class.
I said I’m trying the stable.
I found an empty stall and fluffed up the hay.
I drew the old blanket up over me.
I smelled the clean sweetness of the hay.
I stared through a hole in the stable roof at stars glittering like ice chips on black velvet.
I thought of Betsy.
I was very lonely.
But not for long.
A silhouette slipped into the stall.
It wore a burnoose.
I said hold it right there.
I said how would you like to get your jury papers shoved up your nose?
I heard Spice Dugan’s shaggy silk voice say guess what I’m wearing under this burnoose.
I said I haven’t the foggiest.
Spice knelt beside me.
She leaned over and kissed me.
She smelled like distant cinnamon.
She said nothing whatsoever.
I said aren’t you cold?
Spice said you’re damned right I’m cold.
I said maybe you should put on a jacket.
Spice said jacket my ass.
She said divvy up on that blanket.
40
…oncet there was a female satyr but Women’s Lib squelched the story…
Monroe D. Underwood
I said does Bet-A-Bunch know you’re here?
Spice said no.
She said that’s why I’m wearing this silly burnoose.
She said some Arabs are camped across the way and Dad won’t know me from one of them.
I said but he’s very anxious to see you.
Spice shook her head.
She said not yet.
She said I need a good excuse for being here.
She said Dad is very independent and I don’t want him to think I’m meddling in his affairs.
She said has he ever mentioned the sword of Abu Wahab?
I said sure.
I said it’s in the back of the van.
Spice said gosh isn’t he protecting it?
I said I’m keeping an eye on it.
Spice said is he still carrying that satchelful of old Racing Forms?
I said constantly.
Spice said I wish he wouldn’t.
She said all that added exertion isn’t good for his heart.
Spice said where’s the horse he bought?
I said he didn’t buy a horse.
I said he bought a camel.
Spice sighed.
She said I think his mind must be slipping.
I said hell if he wants a camel he’s entitled.
Spice said entitled my ass.
She said they’ll throw him in the booby hatch.
I said come to think of it I’ve always wanted a camel.
Spice said my God I’ve hired one lunatic to watch another.
She nuzzled my cheek.
She said my burnoose is all twisted.
She said pull it up will you?
I pulled the burnoose up and Spice rolled close to me.
She said I’ve heard of satyrs.
She said you’re the first I’ve ever known personally.
41
…oncet there was a whorehouse what issued rain checks…best damn whorehouse in Death Valley…
Monroe D. Underwood
Wisconsin moonlight poured through the hole in the stable roof to flood Spice Dugan’s red hair with gold.
She looked down at me with sparkling gray eyes.
She said this is fun.
She said like riding a Derby winner.
I said well for your information I just passed the sixteenth-pole.
Spice crouched low over me.
Jockey-style.
She said giddy-up noble steed.
She said we’re barely out of the starting gate.
Suddenly Spice broke pace.
She said Chance I smell something burning.
She said what is it?
I shrugged.
I said probably hair.
Sirens were howling in the distance.
Spice peered upward through the hole in the roof.
She said the sky is red.
She said I’ll have to take a rain check.
She said there’s a fire and Dad’s going to wake up.
She brushed hay from her burnoose and slipped into the night.
I left the stall and went out to the van.
Bet-A-Bunch said it’s that old stable in the stretch turn.
He said thank God it’s empty.
I said well it was going to fall down anyway.
A fire engine rolled in from the road.
Junior Jones followed in the Triple Octane tow truck.
He put his hands on his hips and surveyed the scene.
He said damn shame I wasn’t told earlier.
He said I could of put it out with tobacco spit.
I said we might as well go back to bed.
I said the roof just caved in.
Junior Jones shook his head.
He said this is the only way Larcenik can get a crowd out here.
He said he opens the concession stand and sells about a hunnert cases of Wockowacko beer during every fire.
He said you know what wockowacko means in Winnebago?
We didn’t say anything.
Junior said me neither.
42
…oncet there was a brain surgeon what refused to join the Teamsters’ Union…poor bastard had to take a job driving a truck…
Monroe D. Underwood
I went back to the stable and my threadbare blanket.
I buried myself in the hay and wished I had taken
up brain surgery instead of private investigation.
That could have changed my life.
Instead of being a lousy private detective I could have been a lousy brain surgeon.
A silhouette appeared silently in the stall entrance.
It wore a burnoose.
It said hi Purdue.
Its voice was soft and husky sweet.
It sat beside me and I caught the scent of lilac.
I said hi Brandy.
Brandy Alexander threw back the hood of her burnoose.
Beyond doubt she was the most beautiful brunette on the face of Planet Earth.
There was Wisconsin moonlight in her liquid brown eyes.
Brandy said I just couldn’t wait to get here.
She said how do you like my disguise?
I shrugged.
Brandy said guess what’s under it.
I said oh Lord I simply can’t imagine.
Brandy said just me.
She kissed me with full lips.
They were soft and sweet and deliciously damp.
I said Brandy you better get the hell out of here.
I said these old stables are firetraps.
I said one burned to the ground just a few minutes ago.
Brandy gnawed on my ear.
Gently.
She said well Purdue I wouldn’t fret about it if I were you.
I said yeah but you ain’t me.
Brandy said big boy it’s been so damned long.
I said Brandy how would you like to know what waupuwukee means in Winnebago?
Brandy breathed on my neck.
Warmly.
She said I already know what waupuwukee means in Winnebago.
I said well how about nikapauca?
Brandy was unbuttoning my shirt.
She said Purdue do you know what tuscaloosa means in Chickasaw?
I said I think I’m beginning to get a pretty fair idea.
Brandy said let me get under your blanket and I’ll show you what tuscaloosa means in Chickasaw.
Brandy slipped under the blanket.
She showed me what tuscaloosa meant in Chickasaw.
Tuscaloosa meant exactly what I thought it meant.
43
…oncet I met a silhouette only there wasn’t nobody in it…
The Abu Wahab Caper Page 7