Soon into the lunch, the sparring between Sonja and me started again. I had had enough. So, out of nowhere, I started pinching my fingers and my thumb together, the same gesture you’d make to represent someone talking. “Clip, clip, clip,” I said, with my hand talking to Sonja.
As usual, I had no idea this would become a memorable moment on the show. All I was thinking about was how tired I was and how much I wanted to silence Sonja. And then the moment went viral. Like the “I made it nice!” moment, it was relatable. We all know what it’s like to want a friend to stop talking, but we often don’t say anything because we want to be polite. Well, I said something. And people loved it.
Along with iconic one-liners on the show, there were also the iconic locations. Like the things I said, I never knew what in the background the audience would latch on to. The Fish Room at Blue Stone Manor is a great example. I designed that room in 2007 for my stepson, Aidan, who was twelve at the time. Richard and Aidan loved to go deep-sea fishing together, and when it came time for each child to tell me how they wanted their room decorated, Aidan wanted all of his fish trophies on the wall. Seems innocent enough, correct? Well, the viewers don’t know that story. They assumed I’d decorated the house with the show in mind and that Blue Stone Manor was sort of a film set. Obviously, this isn’t true. It’s my actual home, a home I shared with Richard and three children and decorated accordingly.
This room really got the attention of viewers when Luann said, “I’m not staying in the Fish Room.” After that, the room was suddenly called the Fish Room and people were judging my decorative choices. Later, when I finally redecorated the room (because Aidan is a twenty-six-year-old now), the audience assumed I had done that because of what Luann said. People still say this to me now: “Why did you redecorate the Fish Room?!?”
When I look back on the show now, I’m proud of all the moments in which I stood up for myself. I’m proud, too, of when I went to London with Carole to retrieve her late husband’s ashes. I talked about Richard then, and Carole and I bonded over the strange circumstances of being relatively young widows and how to find joy in life despite the losses we had endured. There aren’t any one-liners from this episode, but there is a lot of heart, and people responded to that. Honesty, whether it’s brutal or tender, touches people. People respond to realness.
Watching my moments with Hannah on-screen has made me very proud. I call Hannah my notable citizen. She’s smart, witty, honest, and—let’s face it—beautiful. Our talks on-camera were the absolute best, and they allowed the viewers to see me as a mother. In the last season, Hannah and I went to Jimmy’s, our favorite hamburger joint, and she told me how proud she was of me. I was so moved. I think this moment gave the audience a true glimpse into our relationship. Hannah had watched me suffer, grow, and evolve, and she acknowledged that on-camera for the honest reason that she wanted me to know it. Like the moment with Carole in London, this one was raw, tender, and relatable.
I love, too, the episodes we shot in the Berkshires (or the Berzerkshires, as they were dubbed at some point), because they accurately represent how much I adore my family and decorating for the holidays. I hope that my Christmas spirit brought some joy into people’s homes.
In the last season I filmed for The Housewives I have some proud moments, and obviously I have some regrets. I definitely wasn’t shining my brightest. Still, I didn’t expect that it would result in a letting-go.
“You’re on pause.”
I was shocked. Then I was sad. Then I was humiliated and angry and confused. I was all over the place. I felt left out. Watching the other women go back to work felt like the first year I was out of college. People around me were going back to campus, but I was done.
Sometimes in life, others do for you what you cannot do for yourself, and I now think that’s what Bravo did for me. I would never have asked for a break on my own, but maybe I needed a break. Maybe I needed to be pushed out of the nest so I could fly again—and it came right on time. As I told you, every six years I go through a major life transition.
I looked up the definition of “pause.” It’s an interruption in the action, essentially, and that seems to fit. Now is not a time for more action. It’s a time to be still and realign with my greater purpose and have faith that I will emerge as a better version of myself. I’ve done this before and I’ll do it again, and to be honest, I like the new hunger this has ignited in me. Who knows what could happen next? It might be amazing.
It’s only by closing a chapter that you are able to see that chapter clearly. Being put “on pause” has given me clarity. I can now see how consuming the show was, for the better and for the worse. The only way to be a Housewife is to be consumed. It’s not just a job you do for four months out of the year. It becomes your whole life.
In some ways, being a reality TV personality is like being a professional football player. When you’re out on the field, you are playing to win. You can do whatever you want in order to try to win, but as soon as the whistle blows and it’s done you pat one another on the ass and you give one another a hand bump and you walk off the field. After you leave, the game is all you talk about. You eat, drink, sleep, and live the game.
This is not a bad thing. It’s just the only way to play. You can’t dabble in The Housewives. You have to be all in. The process takes a lot of effort, both on and off the field. One month of filming is like five months of real life. That’s the level of engagement that’s required. When you’re in it, you forget that you’re in it. It just becomes your new normal. Only when you stop can you properly reflect on your experience.
Looking back on these last six years, I can tell you that I have changed. The woman who showed up to that first day of shooting unsure of where the mike was supposed to be attached is not the same woman I am now.
Being a Housewife has been a deeply rewarding process. I grew tremendously. I worked through a lot of my issues on the show, and watching myself on-screen forced me to face them. I learned how to be accountable in the realest sense—because when you’re on television everything you say and do is recorded. You can’t pretend like it didn’t happen. I realized by watching myself that I had some things to work on and that I had some wonderful traits, too. I was proud of how, when faced with conflict, I was able to sort through the facts very quickly and respond succinctly.
The show taught me to be fiercely independent and incredibly aware. I’m more cautious now and more self-protective. Before The Housewives, I just kind of assumed people did the right thing and had your best interests at heart. I don’t think that now, nor am I expecting anyone to take care of me or defend me. I’ve learned how to take care of myself. When I was younger I was happy to be in the passenger’s seat of my life, and I’m now much happier in the driver’s seat, making my own choices.
People are like fire.
You want them to warm you, but not burn you.
Chapter Nine MAKING IT NICE
A lot has changed in my life, and many times, but my parents have stayed the same. Their house is like a frozen time capsule where I find myself eating like it’s 1974 again. This is terrible when you’re trying to lose weight, because unlike at a restaurant, I can’t say no thanks to the baked potato and the macaroni and the big rolls with butter—and all of this, by the way, is covered in creamy buttermilk dressing. But my mother serves her food with such love that I have to eat it. Even though it’s annoying when I’m on a diet, there’s really nothing more comforting in the world.
By keeping my roots firmly planted in the reality of where I came from, I can never get too lost. It’s also my parents to whom I owe my success. Behind the shiny exterior of the fame I’ve wandered into are all the years I spent preparing for it, and also all the support I’ve received, both from my close circle of female friends and from my mom and dad. The reason I start so many phrases with “My mother says…” is that my mother’s advice has lit the way for me. Her loving words are what I always come back to when I’m not sure what to do next.
Lately, I’ve been asking myself, What is the purpose of having this platform? How can I be useful?
The answer is that I’d love to light the way for someone, just as my mother has done (and still does!) for me. One of my very favorite things is when a fan comes up to me and says, “I wish you were my mom.” What that means to me is that I’m seen as a guide, a voice of reason, a truth teller. I think there are a lot of people out there (and women, I’m especially talking to you) who feel lost and alone. If, by sharing my story and offering some of my wisdom I can help someone, I’d be so glad.
Obviously, nobody wants a preacher. I hate it when people preach to me! I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m here to offer you advice and to be as honest as I can about it. I’m here to give you options. You can decide how much of my umbrella to use. You can ignore it and get really wet or open it up just a little and get slightly wet. It’s up to you, because it’s your life.
The only reason anybody is listening to what I have to say is because I try to be authentic, transparent, and tell the truth. The truth hates the dark. I don’t believe in hiding. I want to be perfectly imperfect and proud of it. Sometimes I’m loud about how I tell the truth. You don’t have to be loud, but do be honest—not only with other people but also with yourself. I’ve never been a liar, but I spent many years shrinking myself to fit into the lives of other people. Only when Richard died was I given the freedom to fully step into who I am. I know that sounds crass, but guess what? It’s true.
Trust is earned when you tell the truth. But the ultimate goal isn’t for you to trust me. It’s for you to trust yourself. Even though my parents have been hugely supportive all my life, I’ve learned that some things have to be done alone. I flew the nest and moved into realms that my parents didn’t totally understand. They couldn’t give me exact advice because they’d never been in the situations I was in. When Richard died, for example, my parents could console me, but they couldn’t literally come with me and hold my hand as I went to meet with all those lawyers.
Recently, Hannah gave me a big compliment: “I don’t think there’s anything that scares you now, Mom.”
She said this right after I’d fired a man who had worked for Richard and me for many years. After Richard died, he began to use belittling language, language that I knew would not have been used if Richard had still been alive. I felt like those lawyers had made me feel—like I was being seen as a helpless woman.
My advice to Hannah (and to you) is to get rid of anyone in your life who isn’t treating you with respect. And by “get rid of” I mean “good-bye.” Don’t waste your time trying to change people. It absolutely 100 percent never works.
Hannah’s compliment touched my heart, and as far as outside matters are concerned, I think she’s right. I know how to handle lawyers and insurance people and all my business affairs. I know how to open my big peacock feathers when necessary to protect myself. But the truth is, being fearless isn’t real. Having fears and taking risks anyway—that’s the goal.
It’s hard for me to admit my fears, because people count on me. In my family, I’m the one who shows up and gets things done. Hannah counts on me not to fall apart. But, in the spirit of transparency, let me tell you some more about all the fears that keep me up at night.
Since Richard’s death, I fear death more poignantly. I used to walk through cemeteries thinking, Oh, these poor souls died. Now I think, Oh, I am going to be one of these poor souls. I’m aging. My parents are aging. COVID has heightened my fear that they’ll die. What would I do without my parents, who’ve been such rocks for me?
On top of death (a pretty normal fear, I would say), I constantly fear losing everything. This, I know, probably wouldn’t be happening if I’d grown up wealthy. The Cinkalas have a terrible fear of (and reverence for) money. A small leak can sink a great ship, as I liked to remind Richard—not that he was listening. But maybe you will be. My fear of waking up tomorrow and being broke feels so real to me sometimes that it’s suffocating. Logically, it makes no sense. It would probably take me a while to spend all the money I have. But the feelings—oh wow. They’re buried deep in my bones.
What I know, however, is that even if I did lose everything, I would survive. There are so many ways to make money. There are so many concrete actions you can take to survive and make money, and you don’t need to be famous or special to do it. Hard work and perseverance pay off.
For anyone who’s trying to make money, I would say throw the net out wide, seek out options, and don’t be ashamed to promote yourself. Think of yourself as a peacock proudly fanning your feathers! Be open to new opportunities and people. Come from a place of yes and truly mean it. Yes! Say yes to things, because you don’t know where opportunities will lead you. At the same time, though, you need to trust your inner voice. Know when to say enough is enough and walk away, because if you don’t take care of yourself no one else is going to do it for you. You’re responsible for yourself. Take responsibility.
While you’re trying to reach your goals, stay healthy physically and mentally so you can make clear decisions. Be mindful of the people you surround yourself with. As my friend Greg’s mother always says, “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.” Something that’s been superhelpful for me is to never ask, Why me? A much better question is, Why not me? You don’t need to be a victim of circumstance. You are in charge of your life.
If you mess up, it’s fine. My mom always says, “Life is like a quilt filled with many patches, some more beautiful than others, and that’s what makes up the quilt: all of it.” Don’t be afraid of embarrassment, because honestly, who cares what other people think? Be the person you want to see in the mirror. At the end of the day, you answer to yourself and your family and no one else.
You’re the only one of you out there, so lean into who you are. If you’re like, But who am I? that’s okay. Get a role model. I love Iris Apfel. She’s a businesswoman, an interior decorator, an influencer, a fashion icon, and, so important, she was a wife for sixty-seven years to her husband, Carl. She’s ninety-nine years old, colorful and unique with her trademark glasses and style choices. I don’t think Iris Apfel cares what anybody thinks. She has consistently been a trailblazer for women and creatives, wacky and wonderful, and personally, she’s taught me to go for it in life and do what you love. Be you and people can take it or leave it. My favorite quote of hers is “I don’t see anything wrong with a wrinkle. It’s kind of a badge of courage.” I agree!
To me, becoming a successful person isn’t only about external achievements. When I sit next to somebody at a dinner and they tell me about their résumé, I’m not impressed. What I want to know is how the person got to where they are today. What obstacles have they overcome? How many times have they gotten their heart broken? How many deaths have they been close to? That stuff, to me, is what’s interesting, because the obstacles are what shape us and make us strong. If you tell me you went to Ivy League schools and got all the right jobs, I’m just not that interested in you, sorry. I’m not saying that you have to go through hard times to be interesting. I’m just saying, don’t lead with your external achievements. It’s not what I want to know. You’re allowed to be a real person and talk about what is actually going on with you. If you’re trying too hard to impress, it does the opposite of what you want. It’s unimpressive.
During the dark times in my life when I have felt alone and overwhelmed by fear, my mother has reminded me that the answer is not to lie in bed trying to solve the riddle of my life. The answer is to just start. “Get out of bed. Wash your face. Take a walk.” These small and simple instructions have gotten me through some of the bleakest periods. I would get out of bed and wash my face and take a walk, and before I knew it I was feeling better again.
The truth is that it’s easy to get stuck in life. Getting overwhelmed is normal. If you’re in the thick of it right now, I’m here to remind you to just start. Take one small action, then another, th
en another, and pretty soon you’ll find that you are moving forward again. If you have a friend who’s stuck, you might consider calling to check in on them. We all feel so alone sometimes, and little kindnesses can really make a difference in people’s lives.
If you’re in a dark place, the other thing I would add, along with the advice to just start somewhere, is not to add to your darkness with more darkness. After Richard died, I drank angrily. I drank to self-medicate, as I mentioned. I drank to forget. And it put me into a worse place. I wasn’t a good mother during that period. I was depressed. If I’m happy and drinking, it’s a different story. I go out and have a few with friends, and I wake up content. So, I’ve learned that for me, I have to stay away from alcohol when I’m feeling confused or fearful. Alcohol is, after all, a depressant. I don’t know what your particular brand of darkness is, but stay away from alcohol when you’re feeling sad. You want to be going up, not down.
When I look back on my life, I can see that everything is as it should have been, even the bad stuff. Every moment was a stepping-stone to the next moment. When something happens in your life that seems insurmountable, it’s not. It’s always surmountable. After you get to the other side, you’ll see that. Every time I have gone through pain, I have grown. Every heartache has added a new and interesting layer to who I am.
People like to say that life is full of twists and turns. Well, I actually think it’s full of roadblocks and stop signs, and it’s up to you to manage your next move. If you’re going to accept the roadblocks and stop signs and not look for a way around them, then those are choices.
As my mother likes to say, “In life there are people who never climb over the mountain. They just stay where they are. There are other people who climb a little bit and then set up camp there. The air is quite nice at that higher altitude. It’s not too thin yet. It’s not too difficult. So they stay there on the side of the mountain. And then there are the true hikers. They trudge right up into the clouds, where the air is so thin that it’s scary. Those are the people who are willing to venture into the unknown.”
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