“I don’t care. I need you. You never stay when I need you.”
“I know,” he admitted gently, running his fingers through my hair. “I’ll stay. Not all the time, but I’ll be here as often as I can.”
I gripped his fancy suit jacket and his long black hair in my hands, reassuring myself that he was actually here and not a figment of my loneliness. “More often than once a month?”
“As often as I can,” he promised. He pushed me away and fussed with my black curls. The perm and coloring I’d gotten had faded, and I was back to my natural beautiful hair. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner. I was busy.”
“Copenhagen?” I teased with our private joke. “If so, can I have some juicy details? I’m a bit starved of companionship.”
“Sorry to disappoint, but you are the only woman in my life.” Balthazar leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.
Did he really mean that?
I looked up at him, almost hopeful. “You know things, right? Is Knight…” I couldn’t say the word ‘dead’ even if I’d been picturing it over and over so many times it was burned into my retinas.
Balthazar had never lied to me, so I believed him when he said, “They won’t let him live, Lisbeth.” If I hadn’t been in solitude for three weeks, constantly reminding myself of the truth he’d just spoken, I would’ve broken in half. I would’ve lost it. Instead, I sat there and felt everything go numb, like a block of ice was crawling all over me. His arms pulled me into a soothing hug. “I’m so sorry, my love,” he murmured. “I wish I could spare you this pain. I’d take it from you in a heartbeat if it was possible.”
The tone in his voice spoke of a time when he felt what I was feeling. Had he lost my mother? My grandmother? Which one caused him that pain? Who had broken his heart? It was more than comforting to be with someone who knew my pain. I didn’t want to let Balthazar go. I held him until I couldn’t feel my arms anymore. And then, I fell asleep against his neck.
As my confinement went on and on like a merry-go-round, I began to wonder what was happening. What was taking the Council so damn long? Maybe they were busy with other things and were putting my trial off because fuck that law breaking chick and her problems. I wished I knew.
Balthazar’s visits were odd and amazing all at once. I’d never seen this much of him in all my four hundred years. Not ever. We played games, sat together reading books, played on my piano, and painted pictures of each other.
It helped take my mind off the pain. But it couldn’t erase it. Nothing could. Vampires never forgot anything. I’d always feel with blinding clarity how much it hurt to lose Knight. Over time, it would move to the back of my mind, but it would always be there lurking in the shadows, waiting for a weak moment to jump out again. Something to look forward to.
About two weeks after I’d given Arthur the list, I was running dangerously low on clean clothes. He opened the door for breakfast, he was always punctual so I knew when to be ready. In one hand he held my tray and I reached for it to set it down. In the other hand he held a bottle of men’s all-in-one shampoo.
You are shitting me.
“Laundry please,” he said, and held out the bottle for me to take.
I hauled my overloaded hamper to him and curled my nose at the shampoo bottle. “That’s for men.” He looked me dead in the eyes and dropped it on the carpet before picking the hamper up and leaving. “YOU’RE LITERALLY THE WORST!!” I shouted at the door.
He returned my clothes the next day, as wrinkled as an old lady’s vagina.
Time was passing like a slow crawl and a giant leap all at once. Arthur continued to make my confined life as difficult as possible. His stupid all-in-one shampoo was making my hair a rat’s nest. It was a blessing I wasn’t in mixed company looking like a frumpy mess of curls.
When I’d been confined for seven weeks, Olivier barged into my room followed by a complaining Arthur. I hadn’t seen her, or anyone from the castle, since I’d been brought back. Her long dreads had been cropped short to her head leaving behind very short curls, and she was wearing a plain black dress. I guessed I wasn’t the only one who had changed recently. She was carrying a small birdcage and handed me a tiny baby bird.
“Cameron found it,” she told me once it was in my hand.
“You’re not allowed in here, Olivier,” Arthur complained behind her. She flipped him off and rolled her eyes where only I could see.
“It probably has lice or rabies or whatever birds get. Have fun.” She smiled and gave me a little finger wave before leaving the way she came. Arthur fumed in the doorway once she was gone.
“I’m not feeding it for you,” he proclaimed, crossing his arms over his chest.
I opened the little bird cage and put the baby bird inside. It couldn’t have been more than a few days old, its skin patchy with little down feathers. It looked as helpless as I felt. “If I’m executed, you won’t have to.” I sunk down onto the carpet and watched the little bird try to move around in the cage. It stumbled several times, but it was adorable to look at.
“Fine. I’ll bring food for it.” I looked up at him in confusion and he had relaxed his stance in the doorway. “What do they eat? Bugs?”
“I don’t know. Look it up, since you have my phone.” I wiggled a finger in between the bars and the baby looked up at me with its enormous eyes. The door shut, the locks flipped, and I smelled lilacs.
“What a cute little bird,” Balthazar commented, suddenly sitting beside me.
“You’re going to scare it if you keep doing that,” I told him, only mildly serious.
He stuck his tongue out at me, and then he brought a hand up to pet my hair, sending soothing tingles all over me. “How are you?”
I looked down at the birdcage and sighed. “I hate being in here. I’m tired of wondering what the Order has decided, my fate constantly in the balance. And Knight.” My voice faltered. “I’m trying to accept that he’s gone. I am. I know he’s dead and I’ll never see him again.”
“Stop.” There was understanding and sympathy in his crystal blue eyes. “You loved him. Don’t try to push yourself to move on. You need to grieve.”
I tried to be brave. It was so hard after so long. “It’s not the first time I’ve lost someone.”
He sighed and kissed me on the forehead, gently and with so much love. “Yes, it is.”
I wrapped my arms around him, the man who understood me so well. “Don’t leave,” I begged him.
“I won’t,” he promised.
3. Becoming a dolphin
This must be what Dolphins feel like. Those creatures of the sea are used to swimming for miles every day, and humans pen them up in little tanks they can’t leave. How do they survive? How are they not crushed with sorrow every day? They can’t be free anymore. They can’t live.
I wished I could drown myself. That’s what dolphins do when they don’t want to live anymore. They just go under the water and never come back up. Stupid fucking dolphins, having the ability to make themselves die. I envied them.
Dying would be a release. I wouldn’t have to feel all this damn pain anymore. It would end with my last breath, and I’d fade into solace unknown.
The hot water of my bath swirled around my nose and ears, and I blinked to invite it under my eyes too. Let every last bubble of air escape my lungs. Would I die? Or would I just lie here in the water in stasis until my blood supply ran out from keeping me alive, and I woke with a red-eyed frenzy.
Something dark walked into the room and sat on the edge of my tub. I re-surfaced and wiped the water from my eyes.
“What the hell are you doing?” The voice I heard was Knight’s. That was impossible, of course, so I knew I was hallucinating. Low on air, low on blood, boom. Imaginary dead boyfriend.
“I was being a dolphin,” I informed him matter-of-factly. My delusions should be more well-informed. It was nice to see him, at any rate. Even if he was just a fantasy. It didn’t give me the relief I hoped it would, but i
t was nice. His hair was greasy and his clothes messy like he’d rolled in a puddle. “You look like you need a bath more than I do,” I said jokingly.
He sighed wearily. “Don’t I know it.” He surveyed the large tub around me. “Looks like that seats two. Mind if I joined?”
I scrunched my knees to my chest. “No way! You’re not getting my bath water all dirty!”
He chuckled into his hand, his deep brown eyes studying me. “It’s good to see you, Lis.”
I turned my face away from the mirage. “You’re not even here.” When I blinked and looked back, he was gone.
I understood my delusion wasn’t real. Knight hadn’t visited me. It didn’t fill me with hope for his survival, and it didn’t relieve my pain. Plus, he’d ruined a perfectly good science experiment on vampires and drowning.
Did my trip to psycho land make me feel better? No. Was I going to keep pretending to be a dolphin so he would come back? Also no. I already felt my sanity slipping, and I didn’t want it to get worse. Of course, being locked up was much worse than having delusions, and I began to lose hope that I would ever be let out. I’d just be here forever with Arthur outside the door denying me access to new books. I could only read my collection so many times before they became boring, and I was reaching that point.
Sometimes I tried to conjure Knight up again, but it never worked. I’d sit next to my little bird cage and picture him beside me. He never came. He was dead. A corpse. Gone. Forever. I’d never see his beautiful eyes or feel his touch on my body.
I stopped feeling anything. Everything inside me was shattered. Pieces of me were all over the floor, little bits of Lisbeth. The bits that made me sane. They’re scattered everywhere and I can’t put them back together. There’s only the bird, Arthur, and me.
“Lisbeth,” someone said above me. I looked up to see the icy blue eyes. Go away, ice. I’m already frozen in time. “Your room is a fucking mess,” he said in disgust.
“What’s the point, icy eyes? It’s only me and this room. Can you see the pieces around me? I’m broken. Shattered.” The bird cheeped a few times and a tear fell down my face. “There is no world outside this room.”
“Fuck,” icy eyes said under his breath. He roughly pulled me up and I went limp like a dolly. “When was the last time you bathed?”
I laughed. “I don’t remember. But I went underwater. Dolphins have it so easy. Bloop bloop.” I reached out and tapped my finger against his nose. “Boop.”
“Where’s your friend?” he asked me, looking around at all the pieces of me, scattered all over the room.
“Friend? What friend? You’re not my friend.” I poked him in the chest this time and felt woozy, like I was going to fall forward against him.
“The one that smells like lilacs.” Well fuck me backwards. Bloodhound Arthur knew everything.
“Nothing gets past you, captor of mine. He’s been gone for weeks. Fucker always fucking bails on me. Piece of fuck. Can’t trust him with anything.”
Arthur walked me over to the couch and pushed some pieces of me off before planting me on the cushions. “You’re acting weird.”
“You’re weird,” I countered. “I’ve been locked in this hell hole for months, you think my sanity is going to survive that? Since I’ve been in here, I’ve read every book I own five times, Arthur. Five. I have over 1,000 books. Let that sink into your tiny little butt brain. All my DVDs have been watched more times that I can count. I’ve painted on every canvas I have, and now I’m out of paper. And you still think that bringing me Men’s All-in-One shampoo every month is all I need. You’re such a fuck. If I didn’t hate you for turning Knight in, I’d hate you because your people skills are zero, and lucky me gets to experience that first hand.”
He sat down beside me, like little Miss Muffet. “You’re acting like you’re drunk.”
“I wish I was fucking drunk, asshole. I’d give anything to go outside. To open my windows and feel fresh air and sunlight. But no, you boarded them up like the butt fuck you are.” I crossed my arms over my chest, but it didn’t work very well, it looked like I was cupping my breasts.
“I’ll try to get you some new books,” he offered blankly, like nothing I’d said had gotten through to him. Not that I was surprised.
“If you think that can rescue my sanity, go ahead.” I looked over at him and snarled.
“Need help cleaning up?”
I flipped him off. “Don’t offer if you’re not going to do it.” He growled, got up, and walked to the door. “Arthur.” His boots stopped right as he was reaching for the doorknob. “You’re the only person I have right now. I know you’re probably not used to someone relying on you for all of their needs, but you’re doing a pretty shit job. I’m not a goldfish you can simply feed and then ignore for the rest of the day. Funny how this is your job, taking care of prisoners, and you suck at it.”
He rested his hand on the doorknob, not twisting it. “None of the others were given a trial. The only thing I had to do before was hide a body.” Then he was gone.
My imprisonment had already reached the triple digits, according to Arthur. Even after our conversation, his idea of taking better care of me was better shampoo and one new book. It was ‘Sun Tzu’s The Art of War’ and I briefly contemplated hitting him over the head with it before giving it back. It’s not exactly a page turner.
When I felt as if my sanity was finally coming back to me, Cameron came in with my lunch one day.
“Sorry I didn’t come sooner,” he said after Arthur had shut and locked the door. “There was a Snorlax blocking the way.”
“You’re such a weirdo.” I stopped mid-laugh and my heart stopped. I’d been in such a rush to run and hug him that I almost didn’t notice that he was different.
Cameron wasn’t human anymore.
I clasped a hand over my mouth to hold in the scream of sorrow I felt rising up my throat.
No.
Not him.
He was supposed to leave this shithole and live his life. Find a girlfriend, get married, have annoying kids that liked video games. And die. He was supposed to fucking die. Die a happy old man with his family at his side bidding him farewell in a bittersweet moment as he relived his beautiful happy life.
The hand over my mouth didn’t stop me from crying.
“Why,” I shouted between my gut-wrenching sobs. “Why did you become one of the turned? God damn it, Cameron. Why did you do that? You were…” I cried harder, trying to get my words out. “You were supposed to have a life! A family! You weren’t supposed to be frozen!”
“Lisbeth,” he said gently over my wails. “Please let me explain.” I quieted myself to broken sniffles and reached for a tissue to clean my face. He sighed at the sight of me and ran a hand through his newly dyed black locks. “When I came to you, I was a homeless teenager. I’d never slept somewhere for more than a few nights. I never had a home or a family. You gave me both. You raised me, and you became my friend, but we mean more to each other than just friends. You’re my family. My onee-san, my big sister. I won’t walk away from you. I used to think that what I wanted was to leave and get as far away from here as I could. Only, I was wrong. I want this life. I want to be with my sister. With you.”
My lip shook. My hands shook. Everything shook. “But you were supposed to have a happy life as a human. That’s what I wanted for you. I clung to that hope when I left here.”
“I know. I know you wanted that for me, and I did too at first, but this is what I want now. Can you accept that?” I nodded and ran a hand across my eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” he apologized.
I studied his face with a sniff. “You’re happy like this?” He nodded. “It’s a Cardinal.”
He looked confused. “What?”
“The baby bird. It’s a Cardinal.” I motioned towards the birdcage sitting on one of my end tables. The bird was sitting in the light of a lamp on its little perch inside the cage, and I could swear it was smiling with happiness as it
chirped a little tune.
Cameron beamed when he saw the tiny bird. “It’s still alive! Olivier didn’t tell me if the little guy had made it. She’s been too busy making kissy face with Renard.”
Oh my fucking god. I was more shocked than I would’ve been if he’d suddenly declared mad passionate love for me. It was even more shocking than him turning up in my room a newly turned vampire, or Knight showing up in my bathroom unannounced, or Arthur buying me shampoo that’s actually for curls.
“Back up, sister. You said what now?”
He was trying not to laugh at my face. “Olivier. Renard. Sitting in a tree. F-u-c-k-i-n-g.”
“Olivier is bumping uglies with a human?” I mean, he’d been her companion for thirty years now when almost every companion left after the obligatory ten. But still. He was a human. That was considered about as taboo as being with a Lycan. Maybe more so. Renard would be kicked out if anyone discovered them.
“She didn’t tell you?” he asked in confusion.
“Besides her bringing me the bird, Arthur won’t let me see her. I’m surprised he even let me see you.” He was such a complete ass wipe.
“Othello approved us to be turned so we didn’t have to wait for the next group. We went in together, Lisbeth. He’s one of the turned now.”
“You’re shitting me! Like seriously, shitting me. Right?” Cameron shook his head and I sat down on the closest armchair to process the news, which while it was a good thing, all things considered, it was still a surprise. “How’d Olivier take it?”
Cameron leaned against the couch back. “At first she was furious. He didn’t tell her, so she found out afterward. I’ve never seen her so angry. I mean, she’s loved him this whole time, but she wanted him to have a real family, something he can’t have with her. Like what you wanted for me. But she needed him. Even without her saying so, he knew she wouldn’t make it without him, not after what’s happening with you. So he bit the bullet and did it.”
The Born Vampire series: A Reverse Harem Paranormal Romance (The Complete Series, NSFW Edition) Page 19