Unfortunately, once again, his fleeting brush with hope had been misplaced. The moment he had come to his senses, he realized he had deluded himself. Gracie was not Becky. He was not Kell. And their relationships could not be more different.
With a resolute sigh, he got out of the car and approached the quaint little jewellery shop. Before he went in, he stopped and stared into the front window, gazing absently at the sparkly rings on display. Becky had said a ring would mean the world to her. What he hadn’t realized at the time was that he felt very much the same. In fact, the realization had finally hit him when witnessing Kell giving Becky a ring on Christmas morning. The look on her face… on both their faces nearly destroyed him.
He had fooled himself into believing that he could have the same with Gracie. Truth be told, he wasn’t even in love with her. He liked her, he respected her, they had awesome chemistry but there could be nothing permanent between them and he had known that all along. She had been upfront about her feelings from the beginning. She was not to blame. In fact, he was to blame. He had let his guard down. He had allowed himself to become vulnerable; a fatal mistake on his part.
Being around Becky and Kell, watching them bond, witnessing love blossoming between them had opened his eyes. He wanted the same. Yet he realized he could never have it. He was not Kell. No, he was Crispin. Crispin Clover, of no fixed address, tossed around from foster home to foster home. He had never known his true parents. His own mother hadn’t wanted him. Why then, would anyone ever want him?
Before Becky’s arrival, he had felt a kinship with his housemates that went beyond their mutual Gothness. They had come together equally damaged, equally miserable. As pathetic as that sounded, it had comforted him, soothed his melancholy soul. He had gotten comfortable in their cozy abode. Then Becky came along with her hopeful little smiles, snuggly little hugs and hope-filled eyes. Not only had she won his housemates over with her charms, the wee girl had wormed her way into his own heart, despite his many attempts to fight it.
Now, Kell, the once aloof, self-loathing, guilt-ridden Goth had his Becky. Dorian, who had shown up with little more than a duffle bag to his name had found Heather. No doubt, he would one day leave the House of Goths. Keegan had already left once. Surely, he would take off again the moment he fell in love with another thrill-seeking mundane.
Kell and Becky would eventually want the place to themselves. It would only be a matter of time before he would be asked to leave the House of Goths. Then, once again, he would find himself alone, abandoned, without anyone of his own.
If he let it happen, he would lose his mind. He had become way too attached to his housemates. He had let his defences down. The only way to save himself the inevitable heartache was to distance himself. In order to rebuild that old familiar barrier around his heart, he needed to separate from them if only for a while. He needed the space to harden himself, to steel himself if he were to survive his inevitable future as the eternal bachelor.
In the end, he would end up alone. He may as well get used to it. The sooner the better. From now on, he would be more careful. He would allow no one to get close to him again. He would become impenetrable.
Chapter 50
In heaven, Becky was. Had she realized how much Kelley enjoyed having her all to himself, she would have done this ages ago. Then again, it had taken ages for him to finally admit his feelings for her in the first place.
Seriously, though, ever since they had arrived in Toronto for their two-day escape, Kelley had been nothing short of a prince as far as Becky was concerned. The normally surly Goth was all over her, literally and figuratively.
After checking in at the hotel, they spent the afternoon walking the streets of Toronto, checking out the quirky shops along Queen St. For dinner, they stopped in at one of Kell’s old haunts, The Black Bull pub. After, he took Becky to a favourite Goth hangout of his. While many of the people there knew him, they were quite surprised to discover that the notorious Kell Keele had finally been won over. Apparently, he had quite the reputation for being cold and unapproachable, go figure.
Yet cold and unapproachable he definitely was not, as far as Becky was concerned. In fact, she didn’t stand a chance against the amorous Goth. The minute they returned to their room, she found herself suddenly stripped of all clothing, face first into the pillow of the plush king size bed.
That’s the thing with Kell. Subtlety was not his forte. It was all or nothing with him. Not that she was complaining. Becky loved it when he went all caveman on her. The Goth was all hands behind closed doors and she welcomed every minute of his undivided attention.
Heaven to Kell was planting his face, nose deep between Becky’s butt cheeks, the sound of her giggles filling the room. How he had ever lived without her, he did not know, nor did he care to think about.
“Kelley… you’re killing me,” she sputtered, clenching and releasing the pillow. The talented Goth had her a quivering mess with his beloved bite-lick-repeat routine. With methodic precision, he applied it everywhere and anywhere his clever mouth could reach.
“And I won’t stop until I’ve slain you,” he purred, nuzzling his nose into her soft, wet depths.
It wasn’t long before he had accomplished what he had sought out to do. Following a series of determined lashes of his relentless tongue, Becky was once again moaning his name.
Before she could come down from the galaxy she was now very familiar with, he lined himself up, hand on her hip, the other around her neck. He then filled her up like only Kelley could.
“Oh, yes, yes,” she gasped, holding on for dear life. It never ceased to amaze her how awesome an experience, sex with Kell was. It was hard to describe, really. The closest comparison she could draw upon was being on a roller coaster. You get on, strap yourself in, hold on, get thrashed about, and scream your lungs out. When it’s all done, you have the hugest smile on your face and you can’t wait to ride again!
One of her favourite parts was the concern on his handsome face afterward. That look of concern as he searched her for welts and bruises of which he never found one. Because while in his mind he believed himself to be rough, he was never ever that.
“I love you, sweet Kelley,” she whispered, planting a gentle kiss on his cheek as he drifted off to sleep.
“Mmm hmm…”
Chapter 51
When they woke up the next morning, Becky could tell Kelley had something on his mind. He seemed rather preoccupied even when he tried very hard to hide it behind his smile. Instead of pressing him, Becky had learned to back off and let him have his moments.
He often got this way, lost in thought. This was not a new thing to Becky. Eventually, he would shake off the melancholy and return to the present. Hopefully, sooner than later. In the meantime, she made the most of their time by taking hold of his big warm hand.
“What would you like to eat, love?” Kell asked, tugging her in close for a hug. He loved her, God, he loved her. He was also well aware of how sensitive she was to his mood swings. None of it was her fault. If anything, she was a balm to his soul.
Earlier that day, he had suggested they grab lunch at Toronto’s St. Lawrence Market. He had always enjoyed the lively place. There was always so much to see and do. But despite the upbeat atmosphere of the bustling market, he couldn’t help but feel the familiar onset of darkness come over him.
“It’s hard to choose,” Becky said, overwhelmed by all the different sights and aromas coming from the various vendors. “What do you suggest?”
Standing there, staring into her big green eyes, the only suggestion going through his mind was taking her back to the hotel and losing himself in her sensuous little body all over again. Aww… but that wouldn’t be fair. It would be selfish of him to keep her all to himself when it was clear she was having such a good time, exploring the city they’d both grown up in, albeit separately.
In the end, he found himself suggesting the very last thing he could have ever imagined wanting to do
on this particular trip. Deep down, he knew it was the one thing he had been dreading the most. At the same time, he realized, it was the only thing that could free him of his current onset of melancholy.
“Perhaps we could simply grab something to go?”
Not long after, Becky sat quietly in the car, holding their lunches while Kell drove into a place he was most familiar with.
“Oh, I see…” she said thoughtfully, realizing the reason behind his current mood. She didn’t even have to ask to come to the obvious conclusion. When he finally parked the car, she followed him with their lunches in hand to a nearby bench. While it was cold out, it was a sunny day and as luck would have it, the bench was sitting directly in its rays.
“This okay?” he asked, handing her a cup of coffee while he accepted the foil wrapped sandwich.
“Yes, of course, it is,” she said, taking a sip of coffee and then a bite of her sandwich.
While a cemetery wasn’t quite the place she would’ve chosen for a picnic, she had a feeling this particular experience went beyond the usual fascination that Goths had with cemeteries. This particular Goth had his own reasons for being here and she could only hope he would finally let her into the mystery that was Kell Keele.
They ate quietly until they were both done. Each of them lost in thought yet fully aware of each other, and of the monumental moment to come. After they were done, Kell grabbed the remnants of their lunch and discarded into a nearby trash bin.
Sitting there alone, sipping her coffee, Becky finally zoned in on the impressive headstone facing the bench. She’d been so preoccupied with her thoughts that whilst she’d been aware of the multitude of headstones around her, she hadn’t actually read the names until now.
“Not exactly the way I would have wanted to introduce you to my family,” Kell said, sitting down next to her.
“Kelley…” Becky instinctively placed a hand over his. She studied the impressive ornate headstone, crowned by a beautifully detailed Gothic stone angel. When she turned her eyes to Kelley, she winced at the pain so evident on his normally stoic features. A single tear trailed down his right cheek. The sight of it brought forth a few of her own. This was the first time she’d ever seen him cry.
“Becky Sparks, meet my father, James Keele, my mother Evelyn, sister Rachel, brother Mark,” he said with a hitch in his voice.
Not knowing quite how to handle this situation, Becky did her best to remain composed in the wake of his uncharacteristic show of emotions. She had a feeling, though, that she needed to remain quiet at this time. He needed her to simply be with him.
After a few emotionally charged moments of watching the man she loved, struggle to keep from breaking down, he finally continued. “Becky… I brought you here so you would better understand me.”
She nodded, taking hold of his big warm hand and giving it a supportive squeeze. Having had a moment to look around, she had observed the beautiful wreath of holly propped up by the Keele family headstone. She noticed it was rather new in comparison to the others nearby. As far as she was aware, Kelley was all that was left of his family. Who would have placed it there? Then suddenly it became all too clear.
“How often do you come here?” she asked, realizing the truth. “Or… when were you here last?”
“Last week. Before Christmas.” After a couple of deep breaths, he continued, “Becky, before you came into my life, I was here once, twice a week.”
“You mean you drove here and back to Kingston once or twice a week?”
“Sometimes even three times.”
“But it’s a 3-hour drive each way,” she said pensively.
“It’s crazy, isn’t it?” He took another deep breath and stared off into the distance. “When this first happened, I used to come every day. I’d spend hours, just sitting here.”
“I’m sorry, Kelley,” she said unable to hold back her sympathetic tears. “It must have been awful, what you went through.”
“I blamed myself, you see,” he said, steeling himself. He needed to get this out. While his instincts were screaming for him to take Becky into his arms, he realized he simply had to get through this first.
“But none of it was your fault. You were just a kid, really. You did nothing wrong.”
“Becky, I know that… now. But it took a long time before I actually started to understand it. You see, before you came along I was just merely existing. The reason I moved out to Kingston in the first place was to distance myself from this cemetery, from the memories, the guilt. I realized at a certain point that I would go crazy if I stayed here so close to them. I’d only end up coming here, sitting here, scaring the groundskeepers with my constant presence. One old guy even offered me a job here because he felt sorry for me.”
“Aww…”
“Please don’t do that,” he said with a furrow to his brow. The last thing he wanted was pity. If he allowed it, she’d turn him into a blubbering heap of misery.
“I’m sorry, go on,” she said, reining in her emotions.
“Becky, it got so bad that some days I would show up here at dawn and sit here until dusk or until they’d kick me out. I don’t really know why I felt the need to be here all the time. I suppose I felt I was serving some kind of penance.”
“Penance for what, though?”
“For surviving,” he stressed. “Why was I allowed to live? When they all had to die?”
“Survivor’s guilt,” she said quietly. “Kelley, have you talked to anyone about this?” He held up his finger to quietly silence her. “Sorry, continue.”
“Please, just let me explain. This is so very hard to talk about.”
“Of course, go on.”
“I decided it would be best if I moved away. Kingston seemed a logical choice because the university is there. It’s far enough away so that I wouldn’t be able to come here every day, yet close enough if I should feel the need. Which turned out to be quite often. I was hoping the distance would help but it didn’t really.
“So, this is where you would come. All those times you disappeared from the House of Goths.”
“Yes.”
“That night when my granny died… you didn’t run off to a nightclub. You came here, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“God, Kelley,” she said with a sigh. “That must have been so hard for you to go through. Yet you came back to me. You stood by me. You were there for me.”
“How could I not?” he asked, dragging her up to stand between his knees. “That’s when I realized I had a purpose again. Becky, you give me reason to live.”
Unable to resist, she grabbed hold of his face and pressed their foreheads together. “Sweet Kelley. You take such good care of me. I would have been all alone in the world had I not met you.”
“Love, you are the sweetest thing, a gift from above. My little fairy princess. If you hadn’t come into my life when you did…”
“Stop.”
“It’s true. I thought I was getting better but I wasn’t. Even with Crispin and Dorian around, while they helped, I still couldn’t see the forest for the trees. It’s when you came along and gave me a reason to live did I finally start coming around, as much as I fought it at first.”
“But ever since I met you, all I’ve done is take from you,” she lamented. “I’ve been nothing but a needy mess, more of a burden than anything. Here you were suffering in silence.”
“Love, it was that very neediness that helped me most. You see, while I fought it at first, by looking after you, I realized I was not as selfish as I had believed. By helping you, I helped myself. Do you understand?”
“I think so. You’re not selfish in the least. You’ve been nothing but generous and kind.”
“Because of you.”
“You really think so?”
“It’s true, Crispin pointed it out when I couldn’t see it for myself.”
“Crispin…”
“Yes, Crispin, sometimes he can be quite sharp,” Kell said w
ith a smile. “He was the one who pointed it all out to me. And he’s absolutely right.”
“Maybe, but I think it was always in you. Just hidden underneath all that broody Gothness you wear so well.”
“When I first realized the truth, that I was in love with you, I was scared shitless. I didn’t think I deserved you. I thought I would only disappoint you or let you down. I was afraid if I hurt you that you’d leave, ripping my heart out in the process.”
“That’s silly, Kelley. You’re the best thing that could have happened to me.”
“We’re good together, I realize that now.” He leaned in and kissed her. “We were meant to find each other. It was fate that sent me crashing into you that day. Fate brought us together. Becky, you’re a gift from God. I’ll never let you go. I’ll never give you a reason to leave.”
“Such a romantic Goth,” she sputtered, overwhelmed. “I love you, Kelley.”
“I love you too, Becky.”
***
Following their visit to the Keele family headstone, Becky asked if they could visit her granny’s niche. After a brief stop at a flower shop, they did just that. It wasn’t exactly the way Kell had imagined spending New Year’s Eve but it was for them where they needed to be.
“Got it?” he asked, having hoisted her up to reach the vase where she hung the tiny wreath.
“Yes, thanks to you,” Becky said, again grateful to have him at her side. Her granny’s niche was at the very top of the structure. She would never have reached it on her own.
Placing Becky down on her feet, he stood quietly behind her, allowing her a moment with her thoughts. Every now and then, he had to force himself from taking hold of her. Being witness to her tears was nothing short of pure torture. But in his heart, he realized she needed this moment alone with her memories.
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