by Katy Colins
I really hoped she was going to add something to lighten the tone.
‘But, being old, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and what I know is that despite how painful it is, you don’t want it not to matter. You don’t want to lose someone close to you and feel nothing. The more you break, the more you loved them, and that’s something to be proud of and to embrace.’
A murmur passed around the group. I felt a funny ache in my chest.
‘Nicely said, Ms N,’ Deano nodded.
‘Is this why you got into your job, Grace?’ Julie’s quiet voice caught my attention. I realised the whole group was looking at me, waiting for me to say something.
‘Sorry?’
‘I just wondered if you felt this way too? If it was what inspired you to become a funeral arranger?’
‘Oh, well, erm…’
I fidgeted with my sleeve, wanting the conversation to move on but feeling like I owed them the truth. They had shared so much with me, after all, and I couldn’t remain the neutral mediator forever. I’d allowed the group to evolve from Ask A Funeral Arranger into Grief Club, after all; we were all in it together. I thought of Callum, and how bereft he’d been, how hopeless, and how things seemed to have begun to turn around for him since he’d opened up and spoken about losing Abbie. I thought of him inviting me to his birthday, and calling me in the night, as if I were his friend. And then I realised, I was his friend, and he was mine. All these people were my friends. And if you can’t talk to your friends about something, who can you talk to?
It was time.
‘Did you lose someone close to you, Grace?’ Raj asked quietly.
I nodded.
‘Who was it, dear?’ Ms Norris asked with trepidation. ‘Who died, I mean?’
The eyes of those in the room were fixed on me. I felt hot and exposed. There was a pause as I summoned up the courage to finally reveal the truth. Come on, you can do this. Be brave. Like they are every week.
‘This is a circle of trust, like you said, remember?’ Marcus said quietly.
I nodded. He was right. They had shared their pain, it was time that I delved into my own personal wound, as much as it was going to hurt. I took a deep breath and stared at the floor. Feeling their eyes on me, willing me on, supporting me.
My voice seemed so very tiny in this large musty room.
‘My son.’
Chapter 26
‘You poor thing.’ Julie’s eyes had gone all misty.
I felt very vulnerable and exposed, as if I’d lost a layer of skin. I refused to look at the others but heard Ms Norris sighing and could sense her shaking her head in sympathy.
I jumped to my feet and closed the meeting. For the first time I was grateful to the line dancers for making a commotion outside, telling us our time was up. Saved by the bell. I packed up my things, with my back to everyone, reminding them to bring a friend next week, preferably someone who hadn’t planned their funeral yet. Very aware of how hot I felt and how high-pitched my voice was.
When I turned around they had all left the room and let the sour-faced dancers in. I was still in shock that I’d opened up like that. No one knew about my baby, not even my mum, and here I was telling a group of near strangers. What had come over me? I took a deep breath and made my way outside.
‘Oh deary.’ I heard Ms Norris’s gentle voice. She was waiting by the steps for me, Purdy’s lead in one hand, her eyes translucent behind glassy, unshed tears. ‘I’m so sorry. A petal fell before the flower bloomed.’
‘Thanks,’ I mumbled, looking at my feet. I would not break down. ‘Er, do you need me to help you?’ I glanced at her holding onto the railing.
‘I think I’ve got something in my shoe. Will you please help me over to that bench so I can try and sort it out?’
‘There’s a nearer one just over there?’ I nodded my head to a bench a short distance from the steps. The one she was pointing to was barely visible past a drooping apple tree, half hidden from the main path.
‘I’d prefer that one.’
I didn’t have the strength to argue so let her grip my arm for support, or maybe I was gripping hers, it was hard to say, and led her to the bench she adamantly wanted to sit on to rearrange her shoe. It was next to a pretty patch of pansies that someone had recently tended to in the neat flower beds. The paint was chipped but you could tell it had once been a royal blue colour, the scuffed wrought-iron legs and armrests looped and curled. It was slightly raised on a mound of earth; this elevation allowed you to see the park rolling out before you. I’d never realised it was even here before.
‘Wow, that’s quite a view,’ I whispered, helping Ms Norris to sit down gingerly.
‘My favourite spot of the town.’ She nodded and eased off her right shoe, revealing a swollen foot wrapped in gossamer-thin stockings, blue veins visible through the sheer fabric. ‘Don’t you just hate it when you get something in your shoe?’
‘Can I help?’
She was huffing, trying to lean forward and pick up the rogue shoe to give it a shake out. I didn’t wait for her answer. I half crouched in front of her and picked up the beige low heel and tipped it upside down.
‘I can’t see anything stuck in here?’
‘How strange…’ She was looking over my head at the view beyond us.
I gave it another shake. ‘Well if there was a stone in here then it’s gone now.’
I put it on the ground for her to slide her foot back into it, and went to get to my feet. I wanted to get home. Despite the inviting light of the summer evening, and the warm breeze buffeting us, I just wanted to be on my own in the safety of my flat.
Something caught my eye as I stood up. Just past her shoulder was a shiny bronze plaque fixed to the middle slat of the bench.
‘In memory of Donald Norris,’ I read aloud.
Ms Norris let out a sniff. Her eyes still trained on the sprawling park behind me.
‘Did you know him?’
She nodded sadly. ‘He was my little brother.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry…’
‘It was a long time ago, lovey. Not that time completely takes away the pain but it certainly numbs it a little. Well, I’m sure you’ll know about that.’
I gave half a nod.
‘Do you want to talk about what happened to you?’ she asked gently, placing a warm hand on mine. ‘I’m here whenever you want to open that box. I’d like to tell you that, although it doesn’t feel like it, there’s a gift in the pain you’re feeling.’
I took a deep breath, staring out over the park below. ‘It’s a really tough part of my life to dwell on. It was early days in the pregnancy and, well, things didn’t work out.’
‘With the pregnancy?’
I nodded. ‘Then with my ex, Henry. He left me after I lost the baby.’ I bit back the painful lump in my throat that had risen. My breath was all funny and wrong, as the painful memories from this time of my life rushed back from where I’d tried to bury them.
Her small mouth formed a perfect O-shape. ‘How horrific for you. Tell me you didn’t take that lying down!’
‘I tried to…’ I trailed out. The words refusing to form in my mouth. How could I explain that after so long of never wanting to speak to Henry, it was actually Henry that would never speak to me again.
‘No one should have to go through such a tragic ordeal like that on their own. It’s not right.’
She didn’t know the half of it. ‘Sometimes you have to leave the past in the past, I guess.’ I had been doing OK, knowing this was buried so deeply away. I almost feared for the consequences that sharing this loss would have on me. I tried not to worry about that right now, instead I focussed on the slight drop in my shoulders from sharing just a tiny part of what had happened. It had been suffocating me, but in this instance, looking over the park, I felt able to take a deep breath.
‘You carry the past around with you everywhere, especially when love is involved.’ She sighed. ‘Can I ask what happened with your ba
by?’
‘It was during the twelve-week scan.’ I swallowed. ‘They couldn’t find a heartbeat, a missed miscarriage. I remember hearing a scream. A painful, deafening howl, then I realised that the sound was coming from me. I remember the doctor’s words floating above me, or me floating above them, I couldn’t tell. All I knew is that I was there but I wasn’t really there. The most startling thing after leaving that hospital room was watching everyone else getting on with their lives. Car engines sounding so loud, drivers listening to the radio with their windows wound down, even the bird sound was deafening. Had it always been this noisy? How could people just be getting on living? Didn’t they know the world had changed beyond belief? I felt like I needed to press pause, for everyone else to catch up with me.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, clutching my hand in hers, as I let the tears slide down my cheeks. There was nothing else to say.
Chapter 27
Despite Ms Norris’s best intentions to check I was OK, emotions bubbled inside that I didn’t have the ability to acknowledge or properly deal with. Why was it still like a car crash every time he crossed my mind? I had been doing so well for so long, but now all I could see was his face swimming in front of my eyes, blurred from tears that refused to stop.
Whenever I thought about my son, Henry wasn’t far behind. His name still caused a tidal wave of emotions inside me. I had tried, really I had, to move on. To deal with the fact that he was nothing to do with me anymore, that I would never see him again. The sadness I felt over losing my baby boy was displaced by the anger and hurt I still felt towards Henry. It was like an itch that I needed to scratch, and I’d been bitten badly. You’re going to regret it, my subconscious warned, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to dig my fingernails in and gouge at the incessant buzzing under my skin, like a parasite flitting around my body.
Henry, Henry, Henry.
Under the three shoe boxes, with the neatly written labels on, and the folded white fluffy towels that I saved for best, was what I was desperately searching for. An oblong shoe box that had once contained a pair of wellies. There was a time when this box was out on display, waiting for me to dip into it whenever I wanted. But I’d learnt the hard way that it wasn’t healthy to keep him out on show as a constant reminder. The box had been hidden in the wardrobe ever since.
My ironed bedsheets sagged slightly under the weight of what it contained. I knew it was going to hurt, opening it again after all this time. I couldn’t stop myself from tearing off the lid and diving into the past I kept in this one knackered cardboard box. My trembling hands rummaged through beer mats with stained, curled up edges from bars he’d taken me to. A broken Zippo lighter, slightly crumpled boarding passes – he’d gone so abruptly, there was no way I could have know that it was going to be our last journey together – my laminated work ID card. I’d often wondered if he’d ever kept a record of us, and if he did, where that was now. I flopped back, landing between my memory foam pillows. I’d bought them to help with my insomnia – because of him. Just like so much of what belonged in this flat, items he would never see with his own eyes, but which had been snapped up to deal with the after-effects of him. A broken heart, a broken body and a broken head.
*
I’d hardly slept. Henry’s face looped in my exhausted mind, our story that had ended in ways I never thought possible. A burning insatiable rage had been lit in my stomach since seeing the horrified look on Ms Norris’s face, and I was having trouble keeping the flames controlled. How dare he do that to me? How dare he leave me?
There was only one person who could help to calm me down. Maria. I called her and asked to see her, more insistent this time. I think she understood. As I pulled up to the pub where she’d told me to meet her, I took a deep breath, hoping I was doing the right thing.
The previous times I’d seen her had left me in a spin, after a lot of old issues were brought to light during our frank chats. I usually left feeling worse than when I’d arrived, but there was also something cathartic about having a good cry with someone who wouldn’t judge me. I paused, one foot out of the car. Maybe I should head home and try to keep busy. I knew I shouldn’t still be feeling this much anger towards Henry after so much time had passed. Time was supposed to be a healer, after all. It wasn’t healthy, I knew that. I also knew that I needed to get a handle on this torrent of emotions, which propelled me from the seat of my car into the empty back room of the pub.
‘Hi, Maria, how are you?’
‘Hey, Grace. A little tired, but nothing new there!’ She laughed and shrugged off her thin cardigan. She looked a little harassed. Her thick black hair fighting against being constrained in the high bun she’d put it in. Strands danced in the warm breeze as she sat down.
‘Work been busy then?’
Maria rolled her hypnotic green-grey eyes. ‘Like you wouldn’t believe. I’m not complaining, though. What’s that saying about idle hands?’ She laughed again. Once she had relaxed it was as if tranquility seemed to exude from every pore in her olive skin, reminding me just how calming she was to be around. ’How about you? It’s been so long since I saw you last!’
‘Work is fine, same old. I just…’ I sighed. What was I doing here? She wasn’t really a friend; we were acquaintances at best. I had to keep a sort of distance between us, all because of him.
‘Let me guess. Is it Henry?’
I nodded, hoping to hold back the tears of frustration that wanted to escape. I sniffed loudly, willing them to stay put. I don’t know why I bothered Maria had seen me in all sorts of states. I just felt like I should be feeling better by now, I wanted her to think I had things under control, more than I actually did.
‘I emailed him, demanding answers, like you said, but he hasn’t replied, I’ve not heard a thing from him in so long.’
‘Oh, Grace…’ She tilted her head to the side. ‘I told you that even if he doesn’t read them it’ll still be good for you to get your thoughts out. Put them down on paper and let them go. That was the reason I told you to write a letter, not an email,’ she chided me.
‘I know! But with a letter I need an address.’ I threw her a loaded look.
She remained silent. She’d never tell me where he was, exactly. Always preferring to give vague answers. I didn’t know who her loyalty lay with and that was the problem – the reason our catch-ups were so sporadic, why we would never be BFFs. Her vagueness irritated me. How difficult was it for her to give me what I wanted? She’d told me before how it didn’t work like that; anything had to come from him, not her.
I should have cancelled meeting up with her. This wasn’t a good idea; after every catch-up, I would leave clinging to any titbits of information she could give me about him, with the same reverence that Callum would grasp his dead wife’s possessions. Never wanting to let them go but knowing that their existence would be more of a hindrance than a benefit in moving forward.
‘Do you want me to get in touch with him for you again? Like I said, I’ve been pretty busy recently but I can try…’
I hated how she had a way to get through to him that I couldn’t. He doesn’t want to talk to you. I shook my head.
‘Like you say, he’ll get in touch with me when he’s ready. I just have so much I want to ask him. I think it’s time. I deserve to get some answers.’ I clenched my fists to my sides.
‘You have to be patient, Grace. I’ve told you this before. You have to keep smiling and keep busy. Laughter is a great healer. Do you laugh much?’
I thought of Raj and gave a slight shrug. ‘My neighbour’s a struggling comedian but his jokes are a little, er, out there.’
‘Well, any form of laughter is a good thing! Why not watch a funny movie? That might cheer you up and take your mind off Henry?’
‘Next you’ll be telling me to eat ice cream from the tub and sing along to awful power ballads.’
‘Hey! You never know! It may work. And how about those tablets you mentioned you were taking the la
st time we met?’
She had a good memory. ‘Well, I’m still taking them, not that I think they’re doing very much.’
This wasn’t entirely true. I’d been prescribed the anti-anxiety medication by Doctor Ahmed when I was at my lowest. He’d told me they would decrease the number of panic attacks; I was battling them on an almost daily basis back then. He’d been true to his word on that at least.
‘They’re probably just helping to balance you out a little.’ The extent of her medical knowledge could rival mine. ‘Seriously, Grace. You’re doing OK. I know this is difficult. I’ve been through it, too, lots of people have. Just remember you’re not alone.’
I wanted to shut my ears. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. This wasn’t like what other people had been through, what she insisted she’d been through. How did she know what was for the best? Offering me ways to move on from him, when she could still talk to him and I couldn’t?
‘Grace?’
I smiled tightly. ‘Thanks.’
It was a bad idea to come and see her. There was only one person who could give me the answers I needed and he refused to speak to me. The coward.
Chapter 28
I was grateful to take time out of my frantic headspace and focus on feeling soil between my fingers and the sun on my back. Gardening was giving me a break from the constant Henry loop that played in my mind. Hanging out with Callum was the strangest but most normal thing to have happened in the last few months. Our unconventional friendship, which blurred the boundaries of professional conduct, was left unspoken. We were just two people with a project. Two people who understood a situation that many others wouldn’t be able to get their heads around.