by Katy Colins
‘Abbie Anderson.’
‘Yes?’ I swallowed loudly.
‘Her ashes are missing from the store room. There’s no record of anyone signing them out, or her family coming to take delivery…’
Linda. She must have told Frank about the missing ashes. There was no way he’d have discovered them otherwise. The store room was our domain. She must have been searching for clues, ways in which to reveal Callum and I had grown closer. I clenched my hands tighter together and willed my heart to stop racing.
‘I’ve spoken to Linda who says she has no knowledge of the missing sign-out form for the ashes. So I’m hoping you can shed some light on it?’
I lowered my eyes to the carpet. It needed a hoover. How could I admit that there was no sign-out form, and that I wouldn’t be able to get one as that would mean speaking to Callum again, and I was nowhere near ready to go there? How stupid had I been?! I’d got so preoccupied with the Andersons that I’d gone against company policy and risked my job. And for what?
‘Well, I –’
My voice didn’t sound like mine. Was I really going to confess? This could cost me everything. Thankfully, Frank cut me off.
‘I also want to talk to you about your use of social media.’
Linda again. I thought I’d been discreet. Apparently not.
‘In a way I use it for work.’
‘Sorry?’
‘What I mean is…’
What was I doing? No one knew about my secret of using social media for inspiration. Until now.
‘… I use it to find out about the people we have in our care. I look at their social media pages to help give me some insight into their lives, so I can plan a personal send-off…’
Words were spilling out of my mouth. I felt hot and uncomfortable under the stare of utter confusion he was giving me. I realised I was telling him all of this because I knew I couldn’t produce a form for Abbie’s ashes. Distracting him with the lesser of two evils.
‘You do what?’ A fleck of spit flew out of his mouth as he tried to get his head around this. ‘Wait – you stalk the deceased’s private life, because you think you can glean some personal details in order to turn their service into some form of… entertainment?’
When he put it like that…
‘No! I mean, yes, but not like that. I –’
‘What if the families had found out that this is how we plan our funerals? It’s beyond unethical, Grace. I don’t know enough about how social media works, but surely there are consequences and risks involved in such an activity?’
Like discovering the deceased has been having a secret affair, I thought. Looking at his reddening face it dawned on me that what I’d been doing had been risky. It wouldn’t haven’t take much to accidentally ‘like’ a photo, or in some other way be caught out.
‘Grace, what’s happened to you?’ He shook his head. I’d never seen such disappointment etched in his face.
‘I’m sorry,’ I squeaked. I didn’t know what else to say.
‘I think it’s best if you take some time off. I will need to do a thorough investigation into these allegations. We clearly can’t have you working at a time when you’re showing such signs of stress.’
‘Frank, I’m sorry.’ I was forced to swallow the lump in my throat. Don’t cry, don’t cry. ‘Ms Norris’s funeral is next Thursday, so once I’ve done that I –’
He held up a hand to silence me.
‘Grace, you won’t be organising any more funerals. I don’t think you understand how serious this is. I’m going to have to ask you to leave, starting right now.’
I’d never seen him this way.
‘Right now.’
I couldn’t finish off any of my workload? Bring any of my final ideas together for Ms Norris?
I suddenly sprang to life. I shook my head dramatically. ‘Frank. No, I –’
I had to be in charge of Ms Norris’s funeral.
‘Grace. That will be all.’ He clasped his hands together and nodded to the door. ‘I’ll be in touch. Please take this time to look after yourself.’
‘But!’
‘Thank you. That will be all.’ He clenched his jaw and turned away from me.
How can this be happening? The one funeral I desperately needed to be in charge of, and I couldn’t be there? I got to my feet as if moving through treacle. It was all too bizarre to be real. All I’d ever wanted was to give the perfect goodbye, the goodbye that I’d never had the chance to experience, and look where it had got me.
‘What’s going on?’ Linda asked, hanging up her phone. She’d returned from wherever she’d been hiding.
‘I think you know what’s going on!’ I couldn’t help but snap as I turned off my computer and pulled my raincoat on. I couldn’t bear to be anywhere near her. I knew we had our differences, but how could she sink so low just to get into Frank’s good books?
‘G-Grace?’ she stuttered. She had a pretty good poker face, I’d give her that.
For the first time in my life I wanted to punch another human being.
‘Thank you for being so considerate,’ I growled.
I left her open-mouthed as I stormed out. I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do. I kept pacing with no purpose, running things over in my head. Had I lost my job? Frank hadn’t said so, in as many words, but I knew there would have to be an investigation. Linda would surely tell him about seeing me and Callum out together. Two and two would make five. But the real victim in all of this was Ms Norris. How could I have let her down so spectacularly?
Chapter 34
The guilt I felt about not being in charge of giving Ms Norris the perfect goodbye was eating me up inside. I was desperate to do something that would honour this wonderful woman. ‘All we have, at the end of the day, is the legacies that we leave behind,’ I remembered her saying to me one time. I needed to make sure that Ms Norris was honoured, but to do that I needed a clear head and right now I felt like my brain was on a spin cycle.
This torrent of wretchedness was heightened by the mess I’d found myself in, uncovering Daniel’s secret. I ricocheted from preparing to admit the truth to Callum – opening up about how I’d discovered Abbie was having an affair, and then dealing with the consequences – to ignoring what I knew. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. It wasn’t my place to get involved. He’d said himself that they’d not shared a bed for a while before her death, and that they’d rowed on the night of her accident; maybe on some subconscious level he did know more than he cared to admit.
My gut and my heart refused to agree. He wouldn’t be grieving for her, planting a tree in her honour, and being so full of remorse for the part he believed he played in her death, if he knew she had been with another man. In love with another man.
I picked up my phone and opened up my messages. I was going to fix this. I had to tell him. Hopefully this would relieve me of the burden and allow me to give Ms Norris the full attention she deserved. I was missing my best friend like crazy and needed to prepare myself for her funeral. Even if I wasn’t the one in charge of pulling it together, I was still going to attend.
I opened up a new blank message and found Callum’s name in my sparse contact list.
Hi Callum…
I typed then paused, my fingers hovering. Just how exactly did you tell someone that their marriage was a lie? I was only seconds away from releasing a bomb into his already damaged world.
I shook my head and pressed delete.
Callum. It’s Grace, I have something to tell you.
I pressed delete. I couldn’t tell him over text. We’d grown close, our unusual friendship was important to me, I owed him more than this.
Can we meet up soon? I could really do with talking to you.
I typed quickly and was about to press send, taking a few extra seconds to read it back. We could meet for a coffee, somewhere full of other people. It was the adult way. The grown-up thing to do.
No. I shook my head. I wouldn’t be
able to sit opposite him, acting like two friends simply catching up over a flat white, with this secret. I deleted the short message and dropped my phone onto the sofa. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with this right now.
The one person I was directing a lot of my frustration towards was Linda. I still hadn’t worked out why she would tell Frank about the misplaced sign-out form? And why drop me in it about using social media at work? She could have simply asked me about it all first. She was no saint herself. I knew that she sneaked extras into the stationery order, especially around Christmas time when she stocked up on Sellotape. I knew that she had once forgotten to set the alarm properly when it was her turn to lock up; I discovered this when I opened up the following morning, but I hadn’t wanted to get her in trouble. Everyone makes mistakes. But clearly she didn’t take this sympathetic view. From the very start of our working together she’d wanted to do better than me, to win Frank’s favour, to be his favourite employee.
My phone buzzed. It was another text from Daniel, asking if I was free to meet up for a chat. Now he had found someone to talk to he was desperate to offload. I ignored him. I thought I’d made myself clear that I didn’t want to be part of his sordid secret. I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t fix anyone, not even myself.
*
It had taken all of my energy to stand in front of them. I’d called an emergency Grief Club to share the awful news about Ms Norris with the other members. Well, all the members except one. Our normal meeting space wasn’t available, a local amateur dramatics group had booked it, so we’d assembled in Marcus’s mum’s shop; she’d kindly let us use the back room. If the others displayed any surprise at how casually I was dressed, and the bags under my eyes, they didn’t let on. I shifted in my hoodie and picked at a stain on the cuff that may have been ketchup.
There weren’t enough chairs so I awkwardly stood, leaning against the huge cardboard boxes and stacks of empty plastic crates. It smelt as musty as our usual meeting place, but then again that could have been me. I couldn’t raise the energy to make small talk as I waited for Julie to arrive. As soon as they had all assembled I took a deep breath.
‘Grace? We’ve not seen you in a while. Is everything OK?’ Raj asked.
‘There’s no cakes. Something’s defo wrong,’ Marcus said, his wide eyes flitting around the room.
‘Where’s Callum and Ms Norris? Should we wait for them?’ Julie asked softly.
I cleared my throat and shook my head. ‘I’m so sorry to call you here so unexpectedly.’ I glanced at their worried faces. ‘But I needed to let you know that Ms Norris has passed away.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat which that sentence brought with it. Words that didn’t feel right to say, no matter how many times I’d forced myself to try and believe them.
‘No!’
Raj and Deano shook their heads in disbelief. I spotted Marcus’s shoulders tense up and his eyes shoot to the floor.
‘She was out with Purdy and had a fall. Unfortunately, she didn’t recover.’ My voice didn’t sound like my own. ‘I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Marcus, are you OK?’
He suddenly looked much younger than his fifteen years of age. Maybe I should have spared him the news. He nodded and wiped a fist at his wet eyes.
‘She was like my replacement Grandma.’
As his voice cracked so did my mask. I went and placed an arm around his thin, juddering shoulders and let the tears flow.
‘I can’t believe it,’ Raj sniffed. ‘She loved this group and believed so much in all of us and our own journeys.’
‘It’s just crap. Even being in a group that meets and talks about death every week doesn’t make this seem real.’ Deano shook his head angrily.
‘I know.’
He was right. It didn’t make any sense. I used the heel of my hand to wipe away the tears, checking that Marcus was OK. I really wished I’d had the energy to bake; sugar could have been vital in helping with his shock.
‘Did you know that she once told me she woke every morning at five thirty a.m.?’ Raj said, shaking his head at the memory. ‘I asked her why she chose to get up so early, and she seemed confused as to why anyone wouldn’t wake up and greet the day as soon as they possibly could.’
That was her all over, wanting to squeeze every moment out of life. Even now I expected her to waddle in with a bright smile on her face and a tricky cake recipe for me to try and master.
‘She never dwelled on the fact she was getting older,’ Julie said. ‘I’d noticed that it took her longer to get through the door, or get up from her chair. She began to struggle to walk across the room unaided, but she refused to let that hold her back. She never focussed on what she’d lost.’
I nodded. She was right, Ms Norris refused to show any frailty despite the fact her body was beginning to be let down by the ageing process.
‘Grief Club’s not been the same without you either, Grace…’ Marcus blinked rapidly.
‘I’m sorry I’ve missed a few sessions. I’ve… got a few personal things going on that I need to deal with,’ I said, unable able to look any of them in the eye.
If they’d noticed that I’d skated around Callum’s absence, none of them had mentioned it. I should get in touch with him to tell him, too. But I couldn’t bear the thought of trying to act normal around him, when I knew what I knew about Daniel and Abbie. I still had no idea what I was going to do about that. Ms Norris was taking up all of my brain space and energy, but I knew that it would have to be dealt with one day.
I cleared my throat. ‘But that shouldn’t stop you guys from meeting. Our slot at the church hall is open for us on a Friday night, so you’re more than welcome to continue to meet up without me. But, if you don’t mind, I need to hand over my facilitator badge and focus on other things for the time being.’
Julie flashed a watery smile.
Deano coughed. ‘Course, we understand. We’re going to miss you, Grace.’
I looked at the room of misfits and proudly realised how everyone had blossomed since we’d first met. As much as this was a shock and a loss to all of us, we had the strength to survive it. I hoped. Whether the club would continue to run without two of its founding members, I had no idea. Honestly? I was too exhausted to care.
Chapter 35
So far everything had pretty much gone to plan. The flowers were perfectly placed on the light oak-veneered coffin, raised on a velveteen plinth. A piece of classical music was set at the right volume as mourners plodded into the sun-dappled room. I wished I’d been able to triple-check that Frank Sinatra was ready to play at the end. I observed the handful of mourners, who barely filled three pews. I couldn’t see Linda or Frank, but I did spot Raj, Julie and Deano huddled alongside one another near the front. This felt a world away from Abbie’s funeral. There were no glory mourners or flashy outfits. Why hadn’t more people turned up to mark their respect for this wonderful woman?
Leon handed me an order of service as I snuck in, once the service had started, desperate to pay my last respects but wanting to avoid any small talk. Taking in the sparse audience, we may have printed off too many.
‘Grace?’ He seemed surprised to see me. ‘I wasn’t expecting you here. It’s good to see you.’
‘Yeah, you too,’ I mumbled, focussing on the order of service. The font was all wrong, it should have been centred and in a dark navy, not black. I felt my pulse quicken as I looked at the words that had been capped up for no apparent reason. I clenched my fist around the card and forced myself to breathe.
The photo, which was a little on the large side for my taste, was of Ms Norris as a young woman, probably no older than I was right now. She looked beautiful in the classic black and white shot. She’d said to me, when she had picked this photo to go into her file, that she didn’t recognise herself as a younger lady, but I could see her.
As the celebrant, Charles, stood at the front, I tried to stop myself from running through what was coming next, and to focus on the moment. I h
ad to accept that if I’d been in charge things would have been very different, but I wasn’t in charge. At least the basics had been covered, as per Ms Norris’s wishes in her prepaid plan. I just wished I’d been able to give it a personal touch; it was what she deserved after all.
Charles cleared his throat and slowly ran his eyes over the waiting crowd. The huddle of mostly older guests, wearing their well-worn funeral clothes, sat peacefully with hands clasped and faces drawn. It was one of many they’d attend that year. I wondered if we would see most of them sooner rather than later. I tried to push away that grim thought; I may not even have a job to go back to. I’d received an official-looking letter in the post from Frank, informing me that an investigation was ongoing and he would be in touch in due course. HR jargon for an utterly disheartening situation. I needed to concentrate on Ms Norris, and not on my own sad excuse for a life that was currently unravelling at an alarming speed.
Charles’s wrinkled blue eyes peered through half-moon silver-rimmed glasses to read the notes in front of him.
‘Edwina Gwyneth Norris was a lady who liked the simpler things in life,’ he began. The gentleman next to me flicked on his hearing aid. ‘She was a woman of routine and order, which is nothing to scoff at in this modern busy world we live in. We gather here in reflection of a long and fruitful life. It is only right that we are all guests at her last supper, as Jesus said to his disciples: “I now give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” A sentiment I believe fitting for what Edwina would want us all to take away from the service today.’
I stopped worrying if the flowers had been laid correctly outside, or if the route had been checked for traffic for those heading to the wake, and instead I sat back. I would never get this chance again. I needed to be present, in the moment, however painful it was.
‘If you’ll permit me, I have some words that Edwina herself wanted me to read.’ Charles picked up a smaller piece of paper. Lit up by the light from the stained glass behind, I could see it contained Ms Norris’s neat, curled handwriting.