I miss lying next to him. I miss seeing those eyes. I miss him. More than anyone can ever put into words. Nothing can prepare you for this kind of pain.
The only thing I can do is remember what I have in front of me, and continue on. One day, one question at a time.
When I re-read our original letters now, they all have a different meaning. I tried to do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t, not all the time.
Monday, 22 September
My dear beautiful girl,
It’s ridiculous how much I miss you. I hate having five weeks away. It is the worst thing in the world. Let October hurry itself up. The time difference between England and LA is the most obnoxious, ridiculous, pointless man-made creation ever. So what if the sun rests around the earth at different times of the day? The entire world should just be on the same goddamn time zone! I wake up, you’re sleeping. You wake up, I’m about to go to bed. Fuck this.
In other news, I got publicly slated last night because of you. It was hilarious. Then again, I’ve never been more proud of being the town’s fool than I was last night.
Telling people about you has been the easiest thing I have ever had to do. Basically, there were about fifteen of the lads out and a few of the lads’ girlfriends. Luckily, the girls supported me, but the lads jumped on me as soon as they heard I had a girlfriend.
Your picture got passed around, I got told I was an ugly gimp scoring a 4 out of 10 and you being a 9 out of 10. (Obviously, you’re an 11 out of 10.) Apparently, the bird I’m seeing (that’s you!) is way out of my league, and once they found out you’re half Cuban, well, they thought it would be funny to say you were just with me for the green card. Of course, you and I know that that doesn’t even make any sense, but they got a kick out of it.
Honestly, that was a hilarious night. You will now have a million Facebook requests. My new nickname is ‘4’, and all my mates will be hitting on you when you meet them as they think you can do better.
God, I miss you. How’s the writing going?
This is the toughest thing I have ever had to do, even tougher than leaving you alone at O’Hare. And that was pretty much impossible. I might actually miss you more than I would miss my footballing left leg.
Spoke to Aunt Cora today. She sends her love. Bless her. Wanted me to tell you that the one-room schoolhouse in PEI remains empty until we get back. I told her not to be silly, but she insists that it is ours from now on. Ever since she and Uncle John moved there, they’ve wanted to keep it private anyway. They say it’s too special and you know how much she fell in love with you. She doesn’t make a quilt for just anyone.
What do you say about returning there for Canadian Thanksgiving? Your play will be finished, I’ll be back and I’ll pay for our trip. I understand if you can’t. Think about it. You’re in my family’s life now. Scared?
Love you even more today than yesterday. I didn’t think that was possible. I miss your scent – what is that? How do you always smell so incredibly good?
I know I’m in England because I promised to be in my best mate’s wedding, but it’s killing me knowing you exist, and are not by my side. We only just got back together, and now I had to leave again – what kind of cruel joke is that?
I promise to you that, after this, we won’t ever be apart. We won’t ever be apart until we have to – until it rains. Man, am I glad you live in the sunniest place on Earth – I don’t think I could handle the England rain everyday while we’re together – a constant reminder.
I’m planning my best man speech, and now that I’ve met you, it’s amazing how much easier it is to speak about this “love” stuff. I’ll send it to you when I’m finished to see what you think. Need my woman’s approval.
I am so lucky. So lucky to have you.
Three questions aren’t enough anymore! I can’t get enough of you. I want to learn more everyday, every moment. However, I shall keep it to three out of tradition. This is our tradition now.
Whenever things are tough, promise me we’ll continue to ask each other questions, to find out more about the other? I never want to stop learning about you – you hear me?
And then, when I’m gone, if you ever want to ask me anything else, just ask, listen and I’ll answer. You’ll know.
In the meantime, I’m going to go deep – what’s the fun of having each other if we can’t, right?
Here goes:
1. Would you prefer to live a life knowing what we have together existed but never being able to be together OR a life where we never met? Why?
This question is a bit unfair, I agree. But I want to show you how strong you are. I would want a life where we never met. I couldn’t handle the pain of not being together. If the last five weeks have taught me anything it’s that I can’t handle being away from you. I’m already sorry.
But what does that mean for you? You know that one day we won’t be together. I have the easy way out, and you have to live on. Are you sure you want this? It’s not too late to back out, my love.
All I know is that every moment we are together I will not take for granted. I know what the future holds, and I know what The Cloud will bring. I hope to God that I never make you feel bad about yourself, or alone.
The doctors all say that one day I could become – well, not myself. In those cases, run to Chelsea. I don’t want you to be around, to remember me that way. As I write those words, I already know you won’t follow my instructions, but try. OK? If not for yourself, for me. There will be doctors and nurses who can look after me.
2. What are you most looking forward to for the next three months I’m back? (We will figure out the Visa soon. Don’t know how, but can’t do this again.)
Just being with you. Full stop. Every little minute, hanging, waking up next to you, talking about everyday stuff, walking down the road and holding your hand, watching you get ready in the morning (I know you hate when I watch you, but I can’t help it.)
Everything.
I’m looking forward to kissing you and touching you, obviously. But even if I could never do that again, as long as you were experiencing life with me, I would be happy. I want to buy you flowers every week. I promise that you will never go without flowers.
I want to stay up so late watching bad television shows, that you fall asleep on my lap and start snoring. Oh, to hear you snore would be the greatest thing in the world right now.
I want to accidentally use your toothbrush. I want to have a spot in your closet. I don’t need a lot of room, just enough to stake my space. I want you to yell at me for leaving the toilet seat up, and for hogging the bed. I want to accidentally leave the house in matching outfits, and when we notice it, not care.
I want you to teach me French. I hate the French, and yet I’m sure that when you speak French, I will learn to love it.
I expect to see you perform, and to practice more lines with you.
The next three months I cannot wait for. You have me all to yourself. I hope time goes by very slowly when we are together.
3. Why me over everyone else you’ve met?
Everything I thought you were was proven to be true. You’re fit, make me laugh and we connect mentally and physically. I can tell you anything, even something stupid, and you will understand where it’s coming from. But that’s just the basics.
We genuinely like each other, like spending time with each other, and enjoy each other’s company. The saddest thing to watch is when other couples are at a dinner, and you can just tell they despise being around the sight of their partner. Why bother? With you, I can’t get enough. You’re the only person I want to be with at any point in any day.
You have captured my mind, and that’s a big thing. My brother even said that to me the other day, which is huge. He doesn’t normally notice things like that. It’s never happened before.
Everything you do fascinates me.
You love me and shower me with affection, which I adore. I hope I do the same for you.
Special
doesn’t even begin to describe you.
The one thing I know is that this is the minimum that our relationship will ever be. Can you imagine that? To me, our relationship feels perfect, but we can only go deeper, and we can only love more.
I don’t know how we met that night in Vegas, but I keep going over and over it again in my head, and the last thing I ever thought I would believe in is the only answer I can come up with – fate. I used to think that the whole soul mate thing was an easy label that others put on something they couldn’t explain, but after the past month I’m changing my mind. You are my soul mate, my dear, my lovely Adele.
I certainly don’t trust easily, but this last month has been so easy, so exciting, so perfect and felt so right that whatever IT was (fate/soulmates), IT knew what IT was doing. Thank you for allowing me back into your life.
Before I met you, I was just travelling, now I could stand still with you and I would see more staring into your eyes than I could ever see in Asia, South America or Kenya.
I miss you and I love you more than I ever dreamed possible. You have no idea.
I want to hold you in my arms right now.
I’ll call you when I wake up.
Love,
Guy xxx
For the most part, I could only read his emails to me. Mine seemed so banal and unromantic. His felt epic and sentimental. Nothing I could have said would have been enough. I would always wish I had said more.
But I am here now, and I answered as much as I could. The answers to those questions evolve every day.
Ivy is sleeping. My mom is in the other room praying that I get better. I hear the front door creak open again. Chelsea treads lightly to the baby’s room. I imagine my mom motioning to the room. She stops at the door, and musters an empathetic smile. Her eyes are red. I can tell she tried to cover up her tears before she got here. After 25 years of knowing her, she can’t cover up much from me.
“Hey,” she says. She had lost so much weight after her divorce, and had become so depressed. I had gotten used to being the one who worried about her; it was strange for the tables to be turned.
Victor turned out to be a horrible, horrible man. She caught him on sex websites, he racked up $100,000 worth of credit card debt, and to this day he tells people that she was the reason for the divorce. When she left him, it wasn’t cut and dry. It took her three years to get her life back together. She was on anti-depressants, got arrested for drinking and driving, and nearly lost her job. Miles disappeared.
But now, she’s in love again (I made her get a profile on Match.com), and hopelessly happy. Her second blind date on Match.com was with a British guy named Will. They took things slow. After a year, they professed their love, and she found out she was pregnant. The strangest part? He worked with other British guys who were friends with Guy. It all was meant to be. I truly believe that.
Chelsea sits down on the floor beside me. We sit in silence. I have Ivy in the bed next to me, my best friend and my mom in the same house. I know Guy is still here as well. He lives on with his questions.
GUY’S FINAL LETTER
Dear love of my life,
Questions are a powerful thing, and without questions, life remains shallow and thoughtless. You and I have gotten to the bottom of a lot of life’s deepest, darkest questions through our letters.
I have one more question to ask you before I go, but it’s also a promise you have to make for me.
I want you to write. Writing always brought you clarity and peace in times of stress and confusion. So, after I pass, will you write our story down, share our letters, and at the end, ask your readers three questions?
I have a feeling their answers will bring you comfort. I don’t care what the questions are, but they should be something that’s universal, and important to you.
Never forget to keep yourself open, my love. Don’t shut down, as I know you are tempted to do. Others will bring you comfort. And, if needed, don’t forget to wear your ultimate armor - your red lipstick.
I miss you already. You know how I feel about you. I knew the moment I saw you, and every day after that: You are my one.
Guy xxx
EPILOGUE
Guy had one more letter, but that one was to Ivy, and I feel like it is her letter to share whenever she is ready.
Of course Guy was right about the writing. Since I finished this book, my life feels fuller, as if Guy’s spirit will live on. I have continued to surround myself with people who love me. But this is the final part - your story, your answers. I would be humbled to have you share your answers with me.
It took me a while to come up with a few, and if you don’t like these, feel free to answer your own. Once you know the answers, seal it in an envelope, an email or a postcard. If you’d like it to be anonymous, please tell me so. If you would like for your story or answer to remain secret, I will honor this. Otherwise, I would love to share it with the community. For, I believe, sharing brings us all closer together and helps us to heal.
Right, here goes:
1. What are you doing today to make sure your tomorrow is happier?
2. What would you do if you knew failing was impossible?
3. Have you ever allowed yourself to love completely, wholly and truly? If yes, tell me your love story. If no, why not?
I can be emailed at [email protected]. I move often, so email me for my physical address if you prefer the sexy, old-fashioned way.
Your answers mean the world to Ivy and me already.
Adele xxx
Special Acknowledgements
I would like to thank everyone in Hollywood for making me a little bit crazier, Paris for making me believe in magic again, New York for making me stronger willed, Baltimore for providing my roots (specifically Baltimore School for the Arts), and England for making fun of me.
As for the people who made this book happen, there are so many. Firstly, I would like to thank Courtney for the inspiration, the road trip of a life time, and a life of incredible road trips, Jock for showing me that love can happen at first sight and can only get better and better, my mom for always supporting my crazy ideas, and for reading this over and over again. Thank you to my dad for giving me my Cuban roots, and pizzazz. Thank you as well to my ‘parents of the West Coast,’ Charlie and Eileen, for reading first editions, helping me with the ending, and for supporting me through thick and thin.
There were a group of special ladies in England who played a very integral part in the creation of this novel. They are “The Ladies Who…” – thank you all for giving me feedback at its earliest stages: Lynette, Rachee, Alison, Jen, Kate, Caroline, Gemma and Libby. And to the men who kept me laughing, and inspired some of the crazy characters: Tommo, Darrell, Pete, Greg, Chichy, Bowley, Doran, Nick Knowles and Bez.
I also couldn’t do this without my mi hermana, Amanda, who gave me a thick skin, and whom I feel so honored to have as my sister. Lindsey, my other sister who inspires me to do better. Jessica, who was always there on Skype, on cell, or on IM when I needed a shoulder, and whose crunchy red hair still fascinates me. To Pauline and Daaaave for letting us stay at your home when we had nowhere else to go, and for letting me be when I was a bit crabby, and needed to focus on writing.
Jill Schweitzer Boardman, your edits and honest advice were a lifesaver. Thank you to Chad Johnson for helping me with the early stages of my book cover, and to Kathleen Bergen for completing it. Major thanks to Erika Lopez for providing an incredible amount of inspiration, and for her emails that I still read over and over again. And, finally, thank God for my professional editor, Lindsey Benaissa, for her incredible and insightful edits. She saw things I would have never been able to pick out.
Also, people who probably didn’t realize what an influence they had on me: my high school teachers at Baltimore School for the Arts, Mustafa Harris, Christopher, Uncle Bobby, Grampy, Cora, Grandma Lopez, Granpa Harry, Grandmom Kisner, my dad, Gary Barnes, Gary Sindler, Bob Derbyshire, Bob & Judy Rinaldi, and Ms.
Chris.
Meagan
For more about Meagan Adele Lopez and her work, go to www.meaganadelelopez.com.
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