by Harper Sloan
Page 5
Dani doesn’t talk, but her silence encourages me to finish.
“I wasn’t a wild child. Not by a long shot. I was the silent one that flew under the radar and hid in the shadows. Jack was one of my only friends and by far the closest. Had we not grown up next door to each other, I’m sure we wouldn’t have even been friends. I was that much of a wallflower. But Jack, despite where we lived and how we grew up, was destined for greatness. The most popular boy in school, captain of the football team, class president, you name it and that was Jack. ” I smile and look over at Dani, meeting her sympathetic eyes. “My parents were shit, Dani. Not like yours. Nothing like yours. Home wasn’t a safe place for me. I’ll spare you the details of that because really, you don’t want to know. When I got pregnant with Molly, Jack left all those huge dreams he had and joined the Marines, married me, and gave me the promise of a safe and happy love. He knew that he had nothing to offer me with just a pocket full of dreams and by enlisting, we might not have a future he had imagined for his life, but he did what he felt he had to do to protect me. Having Molly turned a love we had as friends and it grew into one that we had as husband and wife. ”
“I don’t know what to say, Megan. I know a bunch of ‘I’m so sorry’s’ aren’t going to make it better, but I’m glad that you were able to get out—make a better life out of a bad start. Did he . . . um, did he regret it? Not following his football dreams?” I can tell she doesn’t mean this in a nosy way, but just to better understand what Jack and I had.
“Never. Jack wasn’t built in a way to ever regret the path his life took. He believed that everything happens for a reason. Although, I’m not sure he would feel the same way now seeing as he died jumping on that new path he dug for his life. ”
“You miss him,” she states without any doubts in her tone.
She would understand, as a wife of an ex-marine she knows what it feels like to live without someone, even though her husband came home, you still feel that emptiness when they’re gone. The physical void, as well as the cold hard fear that they may never make it back.
And Jack . . . he never made it back.
“Every day. ”
And I do. Not just because the physical loneliness, but losing him—someone that I had had by my side every day since I was in preschool—was one hell of a hit to take mentally too.
She nods, reaches her hand over the table separating the love seat from the couch and takes my hand. She doesn’t speak, just gives me a gentle squeeze and looks back at the television. I’m sure neither one of us are even watching the reality show rerun that’s playing on the screen. I’m lost in my thoughts and I’m sure she is too.
It’s hard to believe just how much my life has changed in the course of six years. I went from being a single teenager without much care to what happened in my future, to married with a newborn in what felt like seconds. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change having Molly in my life for a second, but losing Jack has changed me. At first I struggled with the will to live, sinking into a depression so deep that I’m shocked I made it out. Molly helped with that. She was my will to live. But even now, after all of these years, I still have days that I sink right back into that dark place. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve never had to be alone, aside from him. Now it’s like I’ve had to learn how to not only live without him, but to live essentially alone.
For the last three years I’ve been in some sort of limbo. I’ve come so far from where I was when he first died. Instead of thinking I would never have good days, now I know the bad days come few and far between. His birthday, our wedding anniversary and the date he died are still, and probably always will be, dark days. Moving forward, one foot in front of the other, in the process of moving on. Even though the thought of ‘moving on’ is still, to this day, laughable. To move on, I would need something to move toward, and it’s really hard to focus on the beauty in life when you’re stuck living a haunted one with the memory of someone who has been dead for years. Back in the shadows. All those moments that once brought a smile to my face and gave my heart a reason to beat a little quicker, gone. I was reminded, while Dani and Cohen completed that fairy tale for the record books that is their love, how beautiful life can be and as I watched them dance on their wedding night, I found myself wanting that. Craving for a love that deep that I physically ached for it.
And for one night I let myself forget the weights that have held me down.
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For one night I lived in the now. I allowed myself to open up and feel all of those things that I have always been convinced I would never have.
For one night I felt the promise of more and it scared the crap out of me with the power of those emotions.
Those are the moments that all feel like lead in my gut now. The ones that make it hard for me to push myself past drowning when I dwell on them too long.
Before Jack died we had created a beautiful life. It was a life that held so much promise.
I was, after we were married and left our old lives behind, a phoenix being reborn from the ashes we had left from all the burning pain of our old lives.
All that fire and all that pain, washing away memories we never wanted to have again.
We had been married for two years before he died. It took us a while in that time, to find our way. To feel that promise of a beautiful life. And in that two years I held something beautiful in the palms of my hands. I felt alive.
Reborn.
I didn’t live in the shadows around me, meekly praying that no one would notice me.
We were alive and gloriously happy.
I believed with my whole heart that every hardship I ever felt served a purpose because it brought me a happiness that was out of this world perfect.
Until it was gone.
And in its place I was left with a pain that burned so bright I just knew there would be no ashes left for me to be reborn again.
Once again I was stuck in those shadows—that cold place where I was just existing and not living—Molly being the only bright spot in my darkness. It’s a painful place to be and it wasn’t until Dani and her gang of friends came along that I was able to start clawing myself out of that depression I had sunk into.
So, yeah—it was hard after all that to even think for a second that I would ever feel that promise again. We had come so far and lost so much.
But one night with Liam, I felt it instantly.
That is something I’ve been struggling with since.
I shiver with the thought and look at Dani, focusing my mind back on our conversation.
“I don’t want to be that person I was when we first met, Dani. ”
She looks back up, her hand jolting against mine, and shock etched in her face. We haven’t talked about how I used to be. How bad I was when we first met.
“When I first saw you, at Cohen’s going away party, even when I knew what happened to you, all I could see was the sadness. It brought it all back, that night I mean? Made you remember Jack?”
I nod, “It was hard sometimes. I wasn’t in a good place back then. ”
She doesn’t speak at first, her thoughts clearly something she is struggling to piece together.
“You’re still struggling, I know, Megan. I see it. It hurts me as your friend to not know how to make it better for you. ”
I smile softly, “I have my bad days, but they’re coming far less frequently than they used to. Jack was a huge part of my life and even if we didn’t have the same kind of love that most couples do, I loved him more than life. Maybe because he was all I had in mine besides Molly. There isn’t a single memory from growing up that doesn’t have him in it. I think that’s what makes it so hard, when I think about life without him in it now, it’s painful to know that the new memories will never have him in them. ”
“Is that why you won’t date? Because of that love you both shared?”
She clears her throat, adjusting herself so that she’s more comfortable, and looks down at Owen. “I couldn’t imagine my life without Cohen in it. It hurts to just think about it. Even having Owen as a reminder of him would be painful, but a pain I would be happy to have if it meant I held just a small part of him. ”
Her words rip through me, each one searing me deeply and I fight the gasp that almost escapes. She has no idea how painful her words just were. And of course she wouldn’t because even if she is the closest person in my life right now, that doesn’t mean I’ve let her all the way in. God if she only knew.
“But,” she continues and I focus back on her, “I know Cohen would never want me to be alone. He would want me to find love again, even if just the thought makes me sick, I know deep down he would be right. You, Megan—you have so much love to give. ”
“And I give it . . . to Molly. ” My tone comes out harsher than I meant it to and I can tell that Dani felt the sting of my snapped words.
“You deserve happiness, babe. ” She smiles, but it doesn’t even come close to hitting her eyes. My pulse picks up with the look she gives me next and I know where she’s going. Where she’s been dying to go since her wedding reception. “I thought for a second you could have found that with Lee. ”
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This time the gasp I held back slips out and I slap my hand over my mouth, my eyes going wide. I shake my head and she looks at me with kindness in her eyes.
“I understand best friends more than you can imagine, Megan. I’m the same way with Lee, well, minus the whole falling in love part. ” She smiles, the kindness still there, but this time there’s something else in her beautiful green eyes. Something that I’m not sure I want to hear. “I see the way he looks at you. ”
I shake my head and she returns my denial with a bigger smile and another nod.
“Oh, I see it. And I see the way that you look at him when you don’t think anyone is paying attention. You two have been dancing around it for almost a year now, Megan. ”
“All you see is two people that happened to have shared one night of drunken sex and that’s it,” I fume, finally finding my voice.
“Bullshit. ” She moves, sliding her legs off the cushion and adjusting her sleeping son while turning to look at me. “You’re afraid. I didn’t get it. Not until you explained all of that just now. I thought you were playing games, but now I get it. ”
“Get what?” I ask impatiently.
“The fear. ”
I look at her. My eyes blinking a few times while my breathing comes in quick bursts.
“You lost your husband and honey, I feel you. I hate that you lost that and although I will never understand what you feel physically, I do know what the thought of a life without my husband would feel like. But you didn’t die with Jack and I know he would want you to move on. Do you think he would want Molly to be alone too? You lost your husband, but baby, she lost her father. ”
Her words wash over me like someone had just thrown an ice bucket over my head. Then as they replay in my mind I feel the blow just as hard as if it was physically thrown.
“Please leave. ”
Her eyes widen and a soft gasp comes out of her full lips.
“Now. ”
“Megan,” she starts.
“No. ” I shake my head and will the tears back. “I’m going to go get ready to go get my daughter from school. When I come back out here, please be gone. ”
I get up from the couch and walk on wooden legs to my bedroom, her words slamming around in my head.
I know I’m being unfair to Dani. She doesn’t know how hard the slap of those words hit.
You lost your husband, but baby, she lost her father.
You lost your husband, but baby, she lost her father.
She lost her father.
I stop at the mirror in my bathroom and look at my pale skinned face reflecting back at me.
She lost her father.
I take a deep breath.
You lost your husband.
I squeeze my eyes closed and clamp them tight.
She lost her father.
My pulse speeds up and my skin goes from ice cold to burning hot.
You lost your husband.
My fingers dig into the counter at my hips and I feel one lone tear sneak past my tightly closed lids.
She lost her father.
I open my eyes, look back at my face and feel nothing but rage. Picking up the closest item I can, my hairbrush, I rear my arm back and hurl it at the mirror. When the brush strikes the surface, the mirror splinters and I turn just as the pieces shatter from the force of my throw.
I did lose my husband and when he took his dying breath, I lost every single piece of the only person that ever loved me.
But she’s wrong. It isn’t the fear from losing Jack that keeps me from opening up. It isn’t that I don’t want to fill the loneliness that I have lived with every day since Jack left—until that night in Liam’s arms. No, the part that I struggle with and have struggled with every day since, is the feelings that he brought back into my cold life are so much more powerful than what I ever felt before. Even with Jack. The images of Liam—Liam and me, Molly and us—that had filtered through my mind while I slept in his arms, they scared me. I loved my husband, but I was never in love with my husband, and the feelings that Liam Beckett created in my gut have been a burning guilt of that fact since I snuck out of his bed before the sun came up.
She lost her father.
God, if she even knew.
I HIT SAVE ON THE document I’ve been working on for the past few hours and turn to smile at my daughter, her eyes still tired since she just woke up.
“Can I go play with Mr. Axel again?”
I smile, reach up and hold her soft cheek in my palm. She smiles bigger, her dark brown eyes sparkle with happiness.
“Please,” she whispers loudly.
“Little bird, I think Mr. Axel has other things to do than play with your adorable self. ”
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Her smile grows and I wait to see what her brilliant little five-year-old mind comes up with.
“He told me the other day I was the prettiest princess in the whole world and I could come have tea parties with him all the time!”
Something about the image of Axel Reid telling my daughter she could come over and have a tea party was just so ludicrous that I burst out laughing, causing Molly to join in and laugh as well. That’s my daughter, always smiling and always laughing, even if she is clueless to why.
“Molly, Mrs. Izzy watched you the other night for mommy while I got some work done. I don’t think it would be nice for me to ask her to watch you when I don’t have anything to do for work right now. ”
“Sure you do,” she states in the most adorable voice and points to my computer.
“Sure I do what?”
She smiles brightly, “Have work to do. I saw you working just now. ”
Well, I can’t very well argue with that.
“Molly, I always have work to do, but that’s why I have a schedule so that I can have tons of little bird time and still make my deadlines. ”
“Deadline doesn’t sound like a fun word. ” Her nose scrunches up and she sticks her tongue out.
“Deadline is Mommy’s least favorite word in the whole world. I like peas more than I like deadlines. ”
Molly grabs her tiny stomach and throws her head back to giggle. And giggle loud. Her blonde ringlets jumping up and down with the force of her hilarity.
“But you hate peas, mommy!” she giggles even harder.
“I know, little bird,” I smile and tap her nose.
She doesn’t say anything else but just continues to look at me with a big smile.
I smile back.
Waiting
.
“So . . . Can I go see Mr. Axel?”
And there it was.
“How about this? How about I call Mrs. Izzy and see if maybe she is free for a few hours and I’ll work those nasty pea deadlines I hate so much. But, Mr. Axel might be at work, okay baby?”
She nods her head, those beautiful ringlets dancing again, jumps off my lap and runs back to her room. I can hear her moving around and the sounds of her making what I’m sure will be a huge mess, echoing down the hall. With a deep sigh, I pick up the phone and call the Reid house to see if my darling daughter can spend some time with the two people she has adopted as hers.
Growing up without grandparents myself I know what it’s like to want that familiar closeness, so it shouldn’t be a shock to me that she’s grown so close to them. Axel and Izzy Reid have treated Molly like she’s their blood grandchild since before Dani’s wedding. If it isn’t Molly asking to go spend time with them, it’s them calling to see if I need some time to work. It’s been a blessing I’m happy to have in my life, but it still feels weird to rely on someone else when it comes to Molly.
But I also wasn’t lying when I said that deadlines are something that I hate more than peas, and I hate peas a lot. A whole hell of a lot. With my newest novel due to my publisher in just weeks, it’s something that has been stressing me out and affecting my writing. A bad combination for an author. Maybe Molly knows what I need more than I do.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved writing. When I was growing up, I used writing as a way to escape. Now, as an adult, it’s much the same—but now I also write for pleasure and not just for companionship.
I published my first book when Jack was deployed the first time. I never, not in a million years, expected my first romance novel to be a success, but here I am five years later with multiple bestseller titles. Writing kept me from being pulled under by the grief I felt when Jack died. It kept me warm when the loneliness became too much to handle. It was, in a sense, the therapy that I needed to begin to heal.