My eyesight was still recovering from all the camera flashes, which must have caused weird sparks to go off in my brain. How else can I explain the amazingly stupid thing I said next?
“I accept your apology,” I told Mareli.
THWOP!
That’s the sound that cake makes when it hits human skin, by the way. I know that for a fact, because Mareli’s answer to my incredibly dumb comment was to pick up a big hunk of cake and throw it in my face.
“Wha?” I said, through the icing.
But Mareli didn’t say a word. I guess she figured she would let her arm do the talking, because three seconds later, she did it again.
THWOP!
“By the way,” she hissed, “you never even kissed me once.” Then she turned around and walked away.
I think I was in shock, because everything after that was a blur. Here’s what I remember: My parents trying to get the photographers to leave, but failing; Shana’s parents both on their phones, probably calling her “management team”; Sylvia texting every friend she had; and me realizing that the cake was chocolate, with coconut frosting, and it was pretty darn tasty.
I snapped out of it when Shana elbowed me in the ribs.
“Wanna get out of here?” Shana asked.
“More than anything ever,” I answered.
“Is there a back way?”
“Unfortunately not.”
Shana laughed, like she couldn’t believe what a dumpy little restaurant she’d found herself in. Then, without another word, she put her hand over her eyes and headed out, crouching low behind her security guys. I realized I wanted to hide, too—or, at least, somehow avoid making eye contact with everyone I’d disappointed.
So I pulled out my sunglasses—you know, the ones that my friends gave me to congratulate me for getting cast in the movie—and put them on. Then I walked past those very same friends, my family, the photographers, and all the rest of the people who’d come to gawk at a famous person and got way more than they bargained for.
* * *
As soon as we made it out, Shana dragged me into the alley next to the restaurant, where her limo was waiting.
“Wow!” she said. “That was kind of awesome!”
“Kind of awesome?” I said. Then a little louder: “KIND OF AWESOME?! That was not awesome! That was horrible!” I heard her get a text, and she quickly checked her phone. “Are you even listening?” I yelled. “Practically everyone I know is inside there! Including the girl I’ve liked for like, forever! And now everything is ruined!”
“Oh, Pete,” Shana said, “I’m so sorry.” But she didn’t exactly look sorry.
“I’m not sure it’s such a good idea for us to go out,” I told her. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Shana giggled a little bit before she was able to stop herself. “Listen, I feel bad you’re sad. I don’t want you to be sad. But, I guess I should explain: You and me aren’t really going out. It’s just a scheme I cooked up with my press team, to get some more publicity for the movie. Plus, I knew it would make Dex super jealous. And it worked! It’s already up online, and that was him, texting me! We’re back together!”
Then she started typing. “Hey,” she said to herself as she typed, “it got a little crazy but everything worked out. All good. X-X-X.” She paused. “O-O-O.” She pushed one last button. “And … send.”
Then she gave me a hugless hug—you know, the kind that feels empty inside—and got in the back of her limo.
“See you tomorrow, boyfriend!” she yelled as she drove away.
I watched her go. Then I took my sunglasses off, walked upstairs to my room, and went to bed.
Act Four
EVERY MOVIE NEEDS A HAPPY ENDING
SAMMY AND THE PRINCESS, SCENE 26
INT. A TEEN CENTER IN SAMMY’S HOMETOWN—DAY
KIDS PLAYING POOL, PING PONG, VIDEO GAMES, ETC. CLARISSA AND SAMMY ENTER
CLARISSA
Wow. This place is amazing.
SAMMY
Wow is definitely your favorite American word.
CLARISSA
It is a good word.
SAMMY
I guess it is.
CLARISSA (Looking around)
Everyone seems so happy here.
SAMMY
Well, kids are happier when their parents aren’t around. It’s been proven in tests.
CLARISSA GIGGLES
CLARISSA
I have had such a good time today, visiting your town. Your parents are so nice, and your house is lovely.
SAMMY
Well, it’s not exactly a castle fit for a princess, but I’m glad you like it.
CLARISSA
You don’t need a castle to live a happy life. You just need to love and be loved.
SAMMY
Stop being so smart. You’re scaring me.
CLARISSA (Giggling again)
Oh, Sammy. You make me laugh so much. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you this year. What would I ever do without you?
SAMMY
Um … hopefully suffer and be sad?
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. SAMMY WONDERS—COULD THIS PRINCESS ACTUALLY BE FALLING FOR HIM?
CLARISSA
Come. Show me your favorite activity here.
HE STEERS HER OVER TO THE AIR HOCKEY TABLE
SAMMY
This is my favorite game. It’s called air hockey. You get to smash things, but nobody gets hurt.
THEY START PLAYING. SHE IS TERRIBLE, BUT SHE SLOWLY GETS BETTER. FINALLY, SHE BEATS HIM.
CLARISSA
I win! I win!
SAMMY
But that’s only because I’ve haven’t eaten dinner yet. I’m feeling a little weak, I swear!
CLARISSA
Oh, Sammy, you are too much.
THEY LAUGH, AS A MIDDLE-SCHOOL-AGED BOY COMES UP TO THEM
BOY
Hey, you’re hogging the table. Give someone else a chance.
SAMMY LOOKS AT THE KID LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO TELL HIM TO BUZZ OFF. THEN CLARISSA TOUCHES SAMMY’S ARM, AND HE MELTS LIKE A SNOWBALL ON A WARM DAY.
SAMMY (To the kid)
Sure, it’s all yours.
CLARISSA (To the kid)
We’re sorry if we were preventing you from playing. (To Sammy) What should we do now?
SAMMY
(In a trance, still thinking about the spot on his arm where Clarissa touched him) Anything … As long as it’s with you …
CLARISSA (Confused)
I’m sorry?
SAMMY (Snapping out of it)
I mean … Anything! It’s up to you.
CLARISSA
You are a funny boy, Sammy Powell.
SAMMY
I try. Believe me, I try.
SUDDENLY THERE’S A COMMOTION AT THE FRONT DOOR OF THE TEEN CENTER. THEY LOOK TO SEE—IT’S CROFT, ENTERING WITH SOME OF HIS BUDDIES.
SAMMY
What the—?
CROFT AND HIS PALS COME OVER TO SAMMY AND CLARISSA
SAMMY (Cont’d)
What are you guys doing here?
CROFT
Yeah, the dance was boring, so I got my dad’s chauffeur to drive us down. I wanted to see what a normal American town was like, too!
(He looks at Clarissa)
Isn’t that right, Princess?
CLARISSA (Shocked)
How did you find out?
CROFT’S FRIEND DARREN STEPS UP
DARREN
We’ve been wondering all year about your accent, and your background, and your weird name and everything. So Croft asked me to ask my dad about you, because my dad is on the Board of Trustees, and they told him you were a princess of some weird foreign country.
CLARISSA (Not able to hide it any longer)
Yes. That is true.
SAMMY
So what? So what if she’s a princess?
CROFT
Well, I’m thinking the princess might want to take a ride in a limo.
SAMMY
She’s with
me.
CROFT LAUGHS
SAMMY (Cont’d)
What’s that laugh supposed to mean? That she can’t be with someone like me?
CROFT
That’s exactly what it means. Let me just give you a little piece of advice, Sammy boy. Girls like Clarissa … they don’t end up with guys like you. They end up with guys like me.
SAMMY LOOKS AT CLARISSA.
SAMMY
Is that true?
SHE LOOKS DOWN …
CLARISSA (confused)
I … I don’t …
SAMMY (Upset at her lack of support)
Well, guess what, Princess? You’re in luck, because I don’t like you, either!
SAMMY AND CLARISSA STAND THERE FOR A SECOND, NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.
CROFT (To Clarissa)
So, yeah, like I said, we’ve got the limo outside. Come take a ride, we’ll go back to the dance.
CLARISSA
Why? So you can say you danced with a princess?
CROFT
Nope. So I can say I slow-danced with a princess.
HE HIGH-FIVES HIS BUDDIES. CLARISSA IS UNEASY.
CLARISSA
Croft, I am sorry, but I would prefer to stay here with my friend Sammy.
CROFT
Seriously? You just said you didn’t like him!
CLARISSA
I never said that. He said that.
SAMMY LOOKS AT CLARISSA. COULD SHE ACTUALLY LIKE HIM?
CROFT
Yo, that is so lame! Don’t you know who I am? My dad could buy and sell this town!
CLARISSA
Croft, please—
CROFT MOVES CLOSER TO HER, AND THINGS LOOK LIKE THEY COULD GET WEIRD. SUDDENLY SAMMY RUNS BETWEEN THEM.
SAMMY
She said no!
CROFT
Are you serious?
SAMMY (As nervous as he’s ever been in his life)
Clarissa wants to stay here and that’s final.
CROFT
Dude, stop pretending that you’re her boyfriend!
SAMMY
I’m way more than her boyfriend. I’m her best friend.
CLARISSA COMES OVER TO SAMMY AND STANDS BEHIND HIM.
DARREN
Yo, Croft, let’s just get out of here and get back to the dance.
CROFT TAKES A LONG LOOK AT SAMMY AND CLARISSA, THEN NODS.
CROFT
Yeah, okay. Let’s hit it.
THEY START TO LEAVE AND THEN CROFT TURNS BACK.
CROFT
Yo, Sammy!
SAMMY BRACES FOR TROUBLE. BUT INSTEAD CROFT SMACKS HIM AFFECTIONATELY ON THE SHOULDER.
CROFT
You’re a brave little dude. I respect that.
HE AND HIS FRIENDS EXIT.
CLARISSA (To Sammy)
Thank you.
SAMMY LETS OUT THE LONGEST EXHALE EVER.
CLARISSA (Cont’d)
Are you okay?
SAMMY
Nothing that a heart transplant can’t fix.
(After a few more deep breaths)
So … did you want to finish your sentence? “I don’t…”
CLARISSA
I don’t … want you to jump to any conclusions.
SAMMY
Meaning…?
CLARISSA
Oh, Sammy, let’s not talk about it anymore! I just want to have fun.
SAMMY (Agreeing to move on)
Okay. Sounds good. Hey, have you ever tried bumper pool?
32
SOMETIMES, EVEN SEVEN APOLOGIES AREN’T ENOUGH
I SPENT ALL WEEKEND AT HOME, trying to avoid everyone and everything. It worked, except for my parents and my sister, who treated me like I was the victim of a car accident, instead of a cake in the face.
By Saturday night, I couldn’t take it any more. “Stop being so nice to me!” I yelled.
And they did.
Back at school on Monday, I kept to myself as much as possible.
I sat by myself at lunch, obviously.
That’s right. The guy who, two months earlier, couldn’t walk down the hall at school without getting bombarded by people wanting to be his best friend, sat there eating his fish sticks and drinking his chocolate milk completely alone. I decided to pass the time by making a few “tweaks” to the picture I drew of Shana, which I’d never ended up giving to her.
I changed it by adding a lot of pimples to her face.
The only sign at school that Friday night had even happened—that the Internet had been bombarded all weekend with pictures of Shana and me kissing, and me with cake up my nose—was in the cafeteria at lunch, where someone had erased OATMEAL COOKIES from the dessert blackboard and written CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH MILANO FROSTING.
Whoever said it’s good to be the king?
To make things even more awkward, it was the day we were scheduled to shoot the scene at Jookie’s, where I’d gotten everyone parts as extras. And so, at exactly 1:00 p.m., I left class, as usual. But this time, all the other kids left class with me—Jake, Nareem, Katie, Eliza, Timmy, Hannah, and Charlie Joe. At first, it didn’t look like Mareli was going to come after all, but at the last minute, I saw her come out of the library and join the rest of us.
“Cool, I wasn’t sure you were coming,” I told her. It was the eighth thing I’d said to her that day. The first seven were apologies.
It was like a small stampede as we left the school. Mrs. Sleep stood outside her office, staring at us with an annoyed expression on her face. She hadn’t been all that thrilled when eight more kids told her that they needed to leave school early to be in the movie.
“What am I running here, a charm school?” she’d thundered. I wasn’t sure what a charm school was, but it sounded kind of fun.
In the school parking lot there was a giant van waiting, instead of my usual car. But most kids drove with their parents, since Jookie’s was only ten minutes away. The only people who got into the van besides me were Charlie Joe, Katie, and Timmy.
Ashley was there, too, of course.
“So, you guys must be the friends Pete wanted so desperately to get into the movie,” she said. “The ones who then embarrassed the heck out of him last night, in front of about a zillion photographers.” Ashley had grown a little protective of me. I kind of liked it.
“Hey, we didn’t tell Pete to kiss Shana Fox right in front of his girlfriend,” Charlie Joe said. He always liked to get right to the point.
“I still can’t believe Mareli smushed cake in my face,” I said.
“You know what?” said Charlie Joe. “It reminded me of something you would do. In the old days, at least.”
I looked at him. “What do you mean by that?”
Katie said, “He means, you used to be a little crazy. Okay, a lot crazy.”
“Exactly,” Charlie Joe added. “But now, you’re just … I don’t know … too cool for school sometimes.”
“I am not!” I protested. “I’m still crazy.”
“Whatever,” said Charlie Joe. “I miss the old you.”
“We miss the old you,” added Timmy.
“It’s not that simple, you guys,” I said. “It’s more complicated than that.”
“It always is,” added Katie.
Ashley, who’d been listening to this whole thing, let out a big sigh. “Well, at least it’s a story you all can tell your grandkids.”
“And I vote none of us talk about it until then,” I said, hoping to put an end to that topic of conversation. And it worked. But it worked a little too well.
It put an end to all conversation.
33
JOOKIE’S
WHEN WE GOT TO JOOKIE’S, the first thing I saw was Sheldon Felden on the front lawn, hitting golf balls into a little cup.
“Hey, kid,” he said, not looking up. “You got your pals with you?”
I hesitated. The last thing I wanted was to get in a whole long conversation about how my friends had let me down. Or vice versa.
&n
bsp; “Don’t worry, kid, I’m not gonna give you the third degree,” Mr. Felden said, reading my mind. “Just tell them not to look at the camera. First rule of being an extra. Never look at the camera!”
“Yes, sir. I mean, Mr. Felden.”
“Don’t call me Mr. Felden, either!” he barked. “It makes me feel old. Or, I should say, it reminds me that I am old.” He handed his golf club to an assistant, while another assistant brought him a Fresca. (Have you ever seen anyone under sixty-five drink a Fresca? Me neither.) “Hollywood is a young person’s game, Pete. Because only young people can handle the crazy stuff that happens in this business.”
He and I both knew exactly what he was referring to.
He took a big swig of his drink. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not young anymore. But you are. And you’re a good kid. You can handle it, I’m not worried.”
I wish everyone in the movie business were as cool as Sheldon Felden.
* * *
Jookie’s was the social center for kids in our town. It had pool tables, Ping-Pong, video games, and the best milkshakes in town. There was a stage, too, where bands sometimes played (Katie Friedman’s band, CHICKMATE, played there once and blew the doors off). The place was pretty popular, although not very big—it could only hold about a hundred kids.
But that day, there had to be a thousand people crammed in there.
It was as if the entire movie studio had moved to Jookie’s—including all the people with headsets running around, and the wires, and the food tables, and the giant lights.
Pete Milano's Guide to Being a Movie Star Page 10