I was winning when I heard Dad drive back up. I sighed and almost muttered “oh, great” but was able to stop myself in time. He came in the door and smiled at us.
“Looks like everyone’s finally up! No sense in wasting the entire day away. How’re you feeling this morning, Joey?”
“Fine. Mom wants to talk to you.”
“What abou—”
“Robert?” Mom appeared from the hallway to the bedrooms. “Can you come look at Benji? He doesn’t look so good.”
“Poor little guy can’t get a break this week, can he? Did he catch a cold after all?”
“I think....” She glanced at us at the table. “I think you should come and see.”
I guess it was something in her voice that made my dad sort of hesitate. “Yeah, I’m coming right now,” he said, and tossed his jacket over the arm of the couch. He disappeared down the hallway with my mom.
I heard the bedroom door open and close, and then I heard them talking. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, but the cabin walls were pretty thin, and it didn’t sound like a fun conversation. I wondered if she was telling Dad about me not mentioning him falling in the lake, or if they’d found a bruise or a cut on him and I was going to be in trouble for it.
I couldn’t concentrate on the game and made some stupid moves. Rudy seemed pretty smug. Angela wasn’t paying enough attention yet to take advantage of my mistakes, at least.
After about 5 minutes, Mom and Dad came back out of the hallway and Mom was carrying Benji all wrapped in a blanket. He was still asleep and looked paler than before. Dad got his jacket from the couch again and turned to us.
“Uh, Benji’s not feeling well, so I’m going to take him down to urgent care to get him looked at. Your mom will stay with you while I’m gone, so just enjoy yourselves for a while. Be ready to help pack up tonight when Mom says to, and be good for me. We’ll be back before you know it.”
He said it too casually, and it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up for some reason. I looked over at Mom and she looked pale, too. I wondered if we were all going to get sick. It’d be the perfect end to the vacation, that’s for sure.
Angela and Rudy said bye to Dad and I repeated them before he went out the door. I thought I’d dodged a bullet since Dad had left instead of asking me to come into the kitchen to talk.
But then Mom came back in the house. “Joseph, come into the kitchen. We need to talk.”
Ugh. I squeezed my eyes shut. I looked at the Risk board as I stood up. “Rudy wins.”
“Hey!” Angela started.
“I don’t care. Figure it out yourselves,” I said and stalked into the kitchen. I tried not to stomp my feet. I went through the door and Mom was standing there, pointing at a chair. I sat down.
“I’m very disappointed in you, Joey. We trust you to take care of your brothers and sister when you’re out together.”
I sighed. “I know.” This was so unfair.
“Joey, if you’d let us know what had happened, we’d have kept a better eye on Benji. You’re the oldest. Sometimes the others are going to have accidents and when that happens you have to tell us so we can do our jobs.”
“He was barely in the lake at all! I told you, I jumped in after him as soon as he fell in.”
“Yes, but it happened that time. And then it happened again. And then it happened last night. Now he’s sick. He probably as a cold or maybe even pneumonia. You’re lucky you’re not sick, too. Honey, you’re lucky it wasn’t even worse. You were both in that lake past 9 at night and I heard you coughing up water. What if you had drowned? What if Rudy and Angela had followed you into the water and no one knew to look for them? And to say nothing about Benji disappearing.”
I felt my face burning. I was sure it was all red. “It’s not my fault he ran off. He was right there until all of a sudden he wasn’t. And I told Angela and Rudy to stay out of the water no matter what. And I went in and rescued him and got kicked in the stomach and swallowed water and pulled him back out of the lake.”
“Watch your tone, young man.”
“No! This isn’t fair!” I didn’t mean to shout but it came out too loud. I wanted to stop it, but I was too late, I was already yelling, so I just kept going. “I couldn’t breathe, Mom.” My voice cracked, and that made everything worse. “I was underwater and it was cold and dark and Benji was just out of reach and he kicked me and I lost my breath, and then I had to carry him from underwater and I thought I was going to run out of breath and everything went dark. I didn’t even know if I was walking the right way. And then I got halfway out of the water and I couldn’t even stand.”
I felt giant tears run down my face, burning hot, and that made me mad because I was too old to cry in front of anyone, even my mom.
“And then I tried to crawl out of the water because I was so cold and I couldn’t stop shivering and I couldn’t see if Benji was okay and then I fell asleep and I don’t even remember anything after that.” I remembered being carried and given a bath like a baby, but I didn’t want to remember. “And I just wanted to save him, and I almost couldn’t.”
And then I felt dizzy and when I opened my mouth, this weird sound came out and I started crying in big sobs and I buried my head in my arms on the table in front of me but I couldn’t make the crying stop. Mom came over and put her arm around me, which made it worse, and then I heard footsteps run in from the living room and Angela said, “What happened to Joey? Why is he crying?”
“He’s just tired from last night. Please you and Rudy go back into the living room and play your games.”
“But—” I heard Rudy say.
“Now, please,” Mom said. It wasn’t a request. The footsteps ran back out.
She rubbed my arm with her hand. “Shh, it’s okay,” she said to me. “Come here.” She got up and backed into her chair. I pushed myself up from the table and over to her outstretched arms. I threw myself into a hug and cried into her shoulder. She stroked my hair.
“Honey, you’re not at fault for anything that happened. We just need you to let us know what’s going on so that you’re not the only one dealing with things. Joey, your Dad and I have never been more afraid than last night. We got back to the fire and you were all gone. All four of you. And then we heard Angela and Rudy calling for help. We had no idea what was wrong, and when we got there, you and Benji were both passed out in the mud. That was the worst night of our lives.”
She put her hands on my arms and I pulled back to see her smiling at me, even though she’d been crying, too. She was all blurry from the tears, and my nose was full of snot, so I managed to say “I’m sorry,” but it came out hoarse and caught in my throat and I started coughing.
My mom grabbed a paper napkin from the table and held it to my nose. I took it from her and blew a couple times. The snot was green and brown.
My head hurt and I didn’t want Mom to see me like this. “Can I go lie down for a while?” I asked, and grabbed another napkin.
“Of course, honey. Do you want some hot tea?”
I shook my head. I looked down at the ground and walked through the living room and into the hallway as fast as I could.
I must have dozed off, because I woke up and thought I had been in the lake. In the water, it was warm and calm and dark shapes like tall buildings surrounded me. I wanted to be there forever. And I heard Benji say “Come with me,” and then I was awake. I looked at my watch. The display was still faded out weird but it looked like it was 2 o’clock. I got up and blew my nose again, then staggered into the kitchen. Mom heated some canned beef barley soup on the stove for me to eat and gave me Saltines to go with it.
I leaned over the soup and breathed in through my nose. The soup was hot and smelled rich, and the steam felt good on my face. It tasted just as good as it smelled, and I felt better almost immediately. I was halfway through my soup when the phone rang. It was weird because the cabin phone never rang usually, because of course we were just renting it so no one h
ad the number.
Mom walked over to the wall, picked up the beige handset and put it to her ear. “Hello?” she asked. The cord dangled down from the headset all the way to the floor and then back up to the base mounted on the wall. At home before we got a cordless phone I liked better, I always used to get in trouble for winding the phone cord around my fingers and getting the loops tangled together.
I listened in on the conversation.
“Robert? What’d the doctor say about Benji? No, why, what is it? What?”
The way mom said “what?” made all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Then she made a terrifying howl and sunk to her knees. I jumped to my feet and almost tripped over my chair, which fell backward to the floor. My soup bowl rocked and spilled soup across half the table but didn’t flip over.
Mom had her hand over her mouth and was repeating “no, no,” and “my baby” over and over. Angela and Rudy came in as I ran over to Mom and we all called her name.
“Mom?” But she had dropped the phone and slumped against the wall and was crying. It made me feel sick to see Mom crying, and I could feel panic rising in my chest. Rudy and Angela were starting to cry, too. I grabbed the twisty phone cord that was hanging from the receiver on the wall and used it to yank the handset up from the floor and to my hand so I could grab it. I pressed the phone hard against my ear so I could hear better. “Dad?”
“Joseph,” he said. His voice sounded raw, like he had been crying. I couldn’t ever remember Dad crying. “Joseph, Benji didn’t make it.”
Dizziness washed over me in a wave, and I grabbed the door frame to keep from falling over. It took another couple of seconds for my brain to realize what that even meant.
“What? What do you mean he didn’t make it? He was fine this morning. What are you talking about?” Underneath me, Mom was holding Rudy and Angela to her and wailing wordless cries when she wasn’t gasping for air. My brother and sister were crying and asking what was wrong.
The voice on the phone sounded so distant, like it belonged someplace else. “Joey, Benji stopped breathing on the way to urgent care. The doctors said he got water in his lungs and drowned so slowly that it took overnight. He...” my dad’s voice cracked and I heard him take a deep breath. “Joey, Benji passed way a little bit ago.” He sobbed quickly, like a hiccup.
My body went completely numb. I felt weak enough to just float away. “I don’t understand,” I said. “I don’t believe it.”
“Joey, buddy, I need you to be strong right now. I need you to put your Mom back on the pho—”
“No!” I heard myself yell. “That can’t be true, he was okay this morning! You’re lying! Lying!” I slammed the handset down on the hook. Mom cried louder. I couldn’t breathe either, I couldn’t think. My head felt stuffed with cotton candy. I staggered backwards a couple of steps, murmuring “no, lying” a couple of times, and then turned and ran into the living room and out the cabin door.
I ran toward the lake. I knew where it was, I could feel it. I ran as fast as I could until I was in front of the dock. There were no canoes there, or any other type of boat tied up. I reached down and grabbed a rock, then threw it out into the lake, as hard and far as I could. My legs burned from running, and my arm ached at the shoulder from the throw.
“I hate you!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I grabbed another rock. “We never did anything to you! I hate you! Hate you!” I threw the rock and grabbed a handful of pebbles and threw those, and then there were no more rocks nearby, so I grabbed two giant handfuls of mud and threw those into the water. I was growling and my lungs hurt. I threw my head back and screamed. Then I dropped to my hands and knees and started crying. Big ugly tears rolled down my face.
I hated the lake. This was the year that it was finally going to mean freedom and adventure, but it had haunted me and Benji all week. I looked up. The island was out there, staring back at me, not moving. Hiding whatever it was in the water behind it. I could feel it, still out there, calling me. It wasn’t like when I was alone before, inviting me. Now it felt... smug. Satisfied. Like it didn’t matter anymore if I went into the lake, like it wasn’t in a hurry. And now it felt sinister. My stomach wrenched. I heaved and threw up three times in the sand.
I slumped over and had to be careful to roll a little so I didn’t collapse in my own throw up. The dizziness cleared and I was more aware of where I was and what was going on.
My mouth was coated in vomit and I spat, but it was thick and dropped down in a string. I had to spit a few times to get it to stop sticking to my lips. I coughed a few more times and my throat burned.
I took a deep breath and sat back on my feet. I looked around and there were a couple people approaching. I recognized seeing them around earlier in the week, but hadn’t paid much attention to them because they were adults.
A round man with thin, brown hair approached. He looked older than my Dad. He looked worried, or confused. “Hey there, son. Are you all right?”
I felt really calm now. Still numb, but the panic from before was gone, like I’d vomited it out instead of my lunch. “My little brother is dead,” I said. I heard myself say it, with no emotion, like I was reading a boring headline from the front page of a newspaper. The man flinched. “My Dad just called my mom and told her. I think she needs help.” And I needed to get my act together and take care of her and Angela and Rudy.
The man turned a little pale and looked around at the other two people around him. They didn’t say anything, so he turned back to me and said, “Show me where you’re staying.” Then he turned to the others and said, “Come with me. Tom, once we know which cabin, go get Laura and drive up with the truck.”
The man came closer and reached out his hand. “Come on, son. Let’s get you up out of the sand.”
I looked up at his hand, then put my hand on my knee and pushed myself up. “We’re in Cabin 3,” I said, and started walking back in that direction.
“Tom, grab Laura and the truck and get to Cabin 3. Mark, come help me make sure everyone’s fine.” I heard one man run off and two more catch up behind me.
“Everything’s going to be fine, son. I’m Mr. Kirk, and my friend here is Mr. Mark.”
A faint impulse to laugh echoed distantly inside me. Using his first name after “mister” made him sound like a camp counselor, but calling me “son” made him sound like my principle. It was too absurd. I knew he was trying to make me feel more comfortable, but any thought of laughing or crying or any other feeling slid right past me like rain hitting an umbrella.
“Nothing’s all right anymore,” I said, “but I have a job to do now,” and kept walking.
I could hear the phone ringing again as I came up to the door, and Mom crying in the space between the rings. Kirk ran up the steps to the porch and knocked on the door frame next to the screen door, which was still open. “Ma’am? Is everything okay?”
I walked past him and into the cabin. “She’s in the kitchen,” I said.
He followed me into the kitchen where Mom was crying and holding Rudy and Angela. It was a real mess, their faces were red and they had snot running from their noses. I somehow felt detached from everything, like it wasn’t happening to me.
I knelt down and hugged Mom. “It’ll be all right,” I said. “I got the neighbors.” She hugged me to her and her tears streaked along my cheek as she heaved with her sobs. “Dad has to talk to you. I’ll take Rudy and Angela.” Her arm fell from my shoulders and I pulled my brother and sister away as the phone kept ringing.
The balding man knelt down and said “I’m Kirk Patterson, I followed your son back to help. What’s going on?” His friend, Mr. Mark, picked up the phone and said “Hello, may I ask who’s calling?”
Rudy and Angela were very heavy to carry at the same time, but I took them into the living room and put them on the couch where they hugged each other. I knelt down on the floor in front of them and closed my eyes.
In the kitchen, I could hear Mr. Mark saying, �
�Okay, I have a pad. Bear Valley Community Hospital... what was the room number again?”
It was time to try and do something right this week. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Angela and Rudy were watching me with watery eyes and sniffling. “Guys, something really bad happened to Benji. He died.”
I heard a truck drive up and doors open and close with the engine still running. There was a knock and I yelled, “Come in.” The other man from the beach walked in, followed by a woman. “They’re in the kitchen,” I said.
The man turned right and disappeared. The woman came over to the couch where I was holding Angela and Rudy, and stooped down with her hands on her knees. “My name’s Laura. What are yours?”
I gave our names. Over the next five minutes, everything was sort of a blur. Mr. Kirk and Mr. Mark helped my mom out of the kitchen and she had a man’s coat over her. I assumed it was Mr. Tom’s. I’d never seen her look so old before. Laura asked where our coats were and she disappeared down the hallway to our bedroom and came back with four jackets. I took them from her and held the smallest one back toward her. “Benji isn’t going to need this,” I said. Laura’s face turned white as a sheet and she disappeared back down the hall with it.
When she came back, Mr. Kirk and Laura scooped up Angela and Rudy with their jackets and carried them out to the truck where Mom was sitting in the passenger seat whimpering. I followed her with my jacket in my hand and slid into the back of the truck with them. Laura got in the driver’s seat and said she was driving us to the hospital.
She walked us in through the entrance and sat with all of us in the waiting area until some nurses hurried up to us. “Mrs. Andersen?” they said, looking back and forth between Mom and Laura. Laura pointed to Mom. “Can someone watch your children while you come in?” Laura volunteered.
Mom walked back and we waited, bored. I was annoyed that I wasn’t asked to go, too, but part of me wanted to see Benji and part of me didn’t. Mom and Dad came back a half hour later, and they both looked old and haunted. Dad had a clear plastic bag with clothes in it.
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