by Abra Ebner
FEATHER
BOOK ONE
ABRA EBNER
Text Copyright © 2009 Abra Ebner
All rights reserved. Except under the U.S. Copyright act of 1976,
no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Crimson Oak Publishing
Pullman, WA 99163
Visit our website at www.CrimsonOakPublishing.com
the characters, events, and locations portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or real locations is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Ebner, Abra, 1984 -
Feather : A novel / by Abra Ebner
www.FeatherBookSeries.com
Summary: Love spans and eternity, at least for Edgar and Estella. As she fights to figure out her past, she finds something much more. There is a whole world of history about her and her complicated special life. Estella comes into her own in her first great adventure, in the life she was born to live, and die for.
Printed in U.S.A
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
For my friends -
Love hits us all, if not in this life,
then maybe the next.
Have hope.
The Raven
Edgar A. Poe, 1845
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!’
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’
Much I marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.’
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never-nevermore.”’
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.’
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, me thought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,’ I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’
`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’
`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore
-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’
`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!
PREFACE
Once upon a time, the gods created a being far greater than anything in existence. These beings, the highest form of human life, were closer to god than even the angels, and their beauty far more appealing than any earthly creation.
The gods, upon seeing such a beautiful creation grew jealous. The being needed no love, longed for no power, and hungered for no nourishment of either mind or soul. Their flawless creation was angelically perfect, and therefore appallingly wrong, for nothing could be more perfect than the gods themselves.
As the being flourished, troubled by nothing, the gods grew dark and vindictive. In their hatred they mused and the plan they constructed was horrid, inhumane, and dark. They chose to split the perfect soul for eternity, the gods finding themselves ultimately endangered by their creations power and strength. In one swift movement they ripped the being apart, creating two hearts, both sharing one soul.
One half was the creator, the life and energy of the earth, and the mother of man. The other half was the power and protection, a warrior of worlds. In this, they created Male and Female.
As the gods schemed in their eternal greed, they chose to make their creation a game, no more than mere pawns for their enjoyment. As punishment, they scattered the beings among the humans of earth, both halves separated and eternally locked in hunger and longing for the love of their shared soul.
The female half was the holder of their life, the emotion and beauty of the soul. In her, she protected this delicate power, never abusing its energy and forever giving to the earth and nature. Despite her possessions, she was lonely and lost in love, weak, sad, and alone.
The male half, the powerful half, was left lifeless and drained of the energy only the soul could give him. In the male’s life on earth, he searched for his strength, the female, and the power he could ultimately gain from it. Their lethal lust for that soul was so great, that it drove them into madness, anger, and despair.
Upon meeting their soul mate, the male half was found hungry, and vicious, murdering their other half in their greed, and ultimately leading to their demise. But despite their vicious love, many survived long enough to understand their power, and in finding each other, they unlocked the secret to their lives.
Together, the two halves created a whole, a life force greater and more powerful than anything on earth. Though eternally tormented by jealously and hunger, they were better together than apart, the ultimate test of eternal love.
A NEW DAY
“Estella, take this.” Heidi thrust a thick envelope toward me as a sad tear grew in her eye, her hand trembling and weak as it floated in the air between us.
I looked at the envelope with caution. “Oh no,” I shook my head, my face contorted into a sad frown, “Heidi no, I couldn’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to accept the gift.
“Please Estella,” she paused, her voice now choking in her throat, “I just want to see you happy. I am old and tired, my life is ending and yours is just beginning.” She walked toward me with a stern look on her face, the envelope still held out in front of her in her stubborn stand. Her eyes scanned mine in frantic waves and I could see she loved me like her own.
I grabbed the small manila package between my trembling fingers, treating it with delicate care. The contents were beyond what I could ever deserve, but the needs in Heidi’s eyes were deep, and I found myself unable to say no.
“Thank you,” I looked at the ground as the familiar sadness stung at my heart.
Heidi leaned in and hugged me, her small arms squeezing the breath from my lungs. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have been more of a mother to you,” she whispered, her breath hot as it fell across my ear.
She was crying now, and I felt the tears seeping into the shoulder of my blouse.
“Heidi, you are the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever known, don’t think any less.” I put my arm around her frail shoulders as she trembled into my chest, the guilt in me rising as I forced back my desire to stay, to save her from her lonely life.
She pulled away, a strong look now flooding her tear stained face, “You go, make me proud,” her eyes seeped bravery, “and find your happiness.” She patted both of my shoulders with surprising strength as her long nails dug into my skin with a sting of pain.
“I promise, I will come back soon,” I tried to smile as I dropped to pick up my last bag, but nothing came.
Heidi followed me to the car in her housecoat and slippers as I threw the last bag in the back seat of the old rusty green Datsun. I was finally able to afford the car after my summer working at the Market downtown. I did everything I could to scrape enough money together, to make my escape from the city.
Heidi’s eyes had dried and I looked at her with nostalgic love and admiration as I climbed in. The old vinyl seats yawned against my sweaty skin and I winced at their searing heat. I squeaked the door shut, slamming it with as much force as I could muster before putting my hands on the plastic wood grain steering wheel. She waved to me with hopeless vigor as I coaxed the vehicle to life and forced it into reverse.
“I will visit soon!” I yelled from the window as I drove off, “The college is not too far.”
Heidi took a sad and tired step forward as she made a final attempt to wave goodbye. I would miss her as my foster mother, but this was my time to make something of my sad life. The upbringing she had given me was all I could have hoped for, but something inside me was driving me away, pushing me to another place.
As I drove down the crowded streets, the shadows cast by the towering buildings of downtown Seattle always left me somewhat disappointed. The tiny house where I had been placed when I was ten glared at me as it disappeared between the apartment complexes of the west side in my rearview.
I took a deep breath, exhaling with a labored heart. I had decided the city was not for me. After years of adoption and rejection I couldn’t stand its cold cement and moist dirty air any longer. Why the city had let me down I was unsure, but as the depression in me grew deeper as the years passed, it had become a sort of cancer. There was death here, and everyone took their happiness for granted. I would have given anything to feel a smile, to muster out a happy laugh.
I rolled my windows up, closing out this world as I headed north toward the Cascades. As the hills of Seattle whizzed by, each growing less crowded with houses, I felt a sort of liberation. The stern grip I’d had on the steering wheel slowly released and soon I was casually driving with one hand. My lonely life had never granted me the experience that was ahead of me, the chance to be with nature as my heart had so longed.
The college brochure had promised a tranquil and secluded experience and that was just the thing I was hoping my dark heart needed. College had always been a goal for me, and despite my graduation from high school, with a bachelor’s degree that I had earned taking night courses, it still didn’t s
atisfy my insatiable need to learn.
As the sun finally released onto the calm valleys of northern Puget Sound, the density of forest began to creep ever closer to the road and I felt a strange pull from the plants that sat there, each bowing toward the concrete as though a wall between it and the other side of life, much like my mind. I envied their freedom, their simple happiness and ability to adapt. I on the other hand, had never belonged, and despite how hard I tried, I always stood out. The world hopelessly saddened me, as though somewhere in my past life, it had let me down, my soul now darkened by my evil existence.
I reached into my bag, retrieving my bottle of medication and popping one pill in my mouth as I habitually did every day for the last twelve years. Each clouded thought further stifled by the power of Prozac. I allowed myself a second to close my eyes as I once again opened my windows, releasing the seal as the wind whipped through my angelically white hair. As the sun touched my pale skin, it felt warm and soothing like a bath of heavenly light. Opening my eyes, I felt discouraged that even a moment like this could not muster a smile.
Even as a baby I had never laughed, never let out even so much as a delighted coo. Smiling was something I did because I had to in order to fit in. I learned what was funny from my peers, and practiced for hours in front of the mirror, my facial muscles stretching with pain in a way that came so naturally to everyone else. Tears never came either, though I knew what I had was sadness, I never felt that was the true definition of the feeling either. It was as though someone had ripped my soul out, leaving me helpless and empty.
I thought about all my adoptive parents and how many times each tried to create a happy life for me, how relentlessly they urged me into activities designed to muster a laugh, though one never came. It was an inevitable truth that each failed as they rejected me back to the social workers, apologizing for their failure as parents. After a while, I gave up and moved in with Heidi and her other foster kids for what I planned to be forever. I was like a poisonous berry, beautiful on the outside, damaged and sick on the inside.