by Abra Ebner
The first was the hawk from class, perched on a shelf toward the top of the tall office, its body poised as it had been in class and its wing healed. The next was the owl that stood on a perch by the far window, and the third was a snow-white hawk of some kind, an animal I’d never seen in his classroom before now.
The white hawk seemed to become flustered at my presence, its weight rotating from one foot to the next on the top of a large cage in the corner. Edgar watched as the white hawk gawked at me, a smile crossing his face as he approached it and gave it a gentle nudge on its head, ruffling its feathers.
Looking at the small room, I struggled to find where it was he slept. Though the nurse had said that this was where he’d lived, there was no sign of a bed or kitchen. There was a large wood desk centered in the space, its design European and sturdy. The outer perimeter of the room was lined with various perches and shelves, stuffed from floor to ceiling with dusty books and manuscripts. I narrowed my eyes at the spines of the books, finding them shockingly old, and most of them rare first editions.
He then moved toward the large brown hawk I’d seen in class. “This is Henry,” he said as he looked at me with pride, “You’ve met him before, and yes, he is thankful you are here and thankful you saved his wing.” Edgar motioned toward the owl, “And of course that is Alexander, you’ve seen him before too.” The owl tilted its head at me, his eyes flashing like a flipping silver coin.
I made no attempt to move, I was afraid I would scare them.
Edgar walked toward the third bird, the white hawk, “And this is Isabelle.” He looked at her with a soft smile on his face, her stare never breaking away from me, “She is native to warmer climates than this, but then again, her owner was a warmer being, so they were good together.”
He looked at me with a sly smile. “Would you like her back now?” His face was amused by the shock that filled my eyes.
I stared at Isabelle in astonishment, would I like her back? “She’s mine?” I stuttered, nervous to be so close.
“Yes, Elle.” His voice was strong, and convincing.
Her petite beak was a deep grey fading to a snow white head and body. She blinked at me as she tilted her head from side to side, still rocking back and forth in excitement on her perch.
Edgar put his hand on her milky feathers, “Can’t you see how happy she is to see you? She’s been waiting for centuries.”
I felt my heart quicken, “Centuries?” I gasped.
He gave Isabelle a nudge and she spread her wings, pushing off the cage and gliding down toward me. Without hesitation, as though I had done it in another life, I put my arm up to catch her.
“So have I,” he whispered, and I couldn’t tell if he’d meant me to hear it or not. “See,” Edgar’s face was animated with delight and his marbled eyes twinkled, “She loves you. It’s not right for me to keep her from you anymore, so now she’s yours again.”
My face fell in disbelief. I had never kept a pet because they had always drastically changed under my care. It was hard to explain why my new kitten had grown to a full sized cat overnight.
“Really?” I looked at Edgar with wide eyes noticing his face was now somewhat sad. “What is it?” I furled my brow with concern.
He took a few careful steps toward me, “I just miss your smile.” He glanced away toward the hawk, closing his eyes as though concentrating on something.
I watched him with curious intent, perplexed by the pained look on his face. When he opened his eyes again they were a deep serene grey. He took a few steps closer as Isabelle moved to my shoulder. Despite her massive wing span, she was the perfect size, no more than one pound at the most.
I watched as Edgar lifted a hand toward me, letting it hover just inches from my cheek. My breathing quickened as he looked at me, focusing his eyes on mine as they remained calm. My heart was racing in fear, afraid of what I did not know, afraid to hurt him, or myself.
In measured increments he brought his hand closer to my face and I closed my eyes out of fear. Finally, his hand touched my cheek and a cold tingling pierced through my skin. The sensation was unbelievable as I felt it spreading from the veins in my cheek through my whole face until it hit my spine. From there the tingling filtered warmth throughout my entire body and something began to flicker in my soul.
Like lighting a match, the flicker burst into a fireball and the breath was torn from my body and my eyes shot open as I stared into Edgar’s. His eyes went from a cool grey to a bright blue and the warm sensation filled every vein.
I felt my lips begin to curl, the sensation of euphoria causing my head to swim. My hands arched in bliss, and instantly, I remembered this feeling. For the first time in what seemed a lifetime, I was smiling.
He slowly let go and I saw a satisfied grin cross his face. “That’s what I was missing,” he breathed with eloquence. His eyes were a shocking deep blue and I was curious what it was that had caused the more than subtle change. Edgar looked away, his breathing now labored. Whatever it was that gave him the ability to do that had been physically hard on him.
My smile began to die as the light in my soul faded to smoldering nothingness, Edgar’s pained smile also leaving as he now focused on controlling his demons.
“What is it Edgar?” I paused, “What makes that happen to me?”
He sighed, “It’s difficult to explain,” he walked to his desk where he grabbed an apple he’d left there. “Watch,” he held the apple in his hand and I watched as his eyes glittered into the pure black darkness I had recognized on my first day.
The apple began to quickly deteriorate as though all the juices were evaporating out of it. I was horrified as I pictured the apple as me, and my adrenaline pumped as I realized the lethal gravity of his touch. His brows pressed together in concentration and his eyes flashed as the darkness reflected back to the deep royal blue they had been after touching me.
“Here,” he pushed his hand toward me.
With hesitation, I grasped the shriveled apple and brought it to my face. Just as fast as it had deflated, it began to prosper and heal. The skin re-constituted itself as though the hands of time had twisted back, returning the apple to its ripest youth. My touch revitalized the fruit in its entirety with little effort, even going as far as to bring it a certain light, as though it were glowing.
“You see Elle,” there was a look of despair to his face, “You give things life, all things,” he paused as he hung his head, miserable in his existence, “I just take it. You are the positive end of the battery, I am the negative.”
I stared at the apple in amazement, allowing the sinister reality of his being sink in. “So that’s why you’re afraid to touch me, you’re afraid you will kill me.”
He sighed, “Yes.” Looking back up at me, he touched gently touched my hair, “But I can control it, especially with animals and nature, and even humans. It’s just hard with you because the soul I crave most is yours.”
A perplexed look crossed my face, “But I don’t have a soul.”
He perked up. “But you do,” a sly smile crossed his face. “You see, long ago, in your past life, you hid it inside me and only you know how to get it back, even I can’t access it without you,” he was excited now. “This feeling that you just experienced, I haven’t felt it either, not for a long time. That’s what makes it so tempting and so hard for me to resist.”
I looked at him confused.
His face again became solemn. “But what I fear is you’ll never remember what you did to put your soul inside my heart. The only way you’re feeling it now is through my poisonous touch.”
I looked at him with extreme anxiety. “But why did I hide it in you?” I tilted my head in confusion.
“To save yourself.” He was walking away from me now, heading toward the wall where he grabbed a photo of a bird off the shelf, looking at it with mild interest.
I wasn’t sure why I’d give my soul to the very thing that could kill it. “To save me from you? But that do
esn’t make sense, then why would I hide it in you?”
He turned to look at me, his eyes fading to a pale blue grey, “No, to save you from something else.”
He was being vague and I could hear the sadness welling in his throat as he said it. Obviously something had happened. Something had caused me to separate my mind from my soul, “But then...” I stopped. I had no idea what to say, nothing made sense anymore.
“Elle,” he took a deep breath, “I’m not complete without you, it sounds crazy, and probably a little more than you were bargaining for when you first laid your beautiful eyes on me, but it’s a vicious and painful existence we’ve lived.”
I nodded in obedience, feeling as though this was now my responsibility to fix.
“We are bound together by fate, by life. When one of us dies,” his eyes fluttered to mine, “it’s painful.”
I touched my chest as Isabelle still sat quiet and content on my shoulder, her feathers fluffed as though asleep and happy.
“I’m not sure if you want to hear the story Elle, but I think its time you know.” He placed the photo back on the shelf, turning to me and taking three paces forward.
I shifted my weight in excitement, “I want to know.” I took a step forward, no longer feeling strange about the intensity that was between us. I believed him, I could feel it.
He sighed, collecting his thoughts, “When you were born into this world, so was I.” He put his hand to his heart, “In the beginning we were one being. We were perfect, happy, strong, fast, and smart. But soon the gods grew angry and jealous at our utter perfection. One day, their rage became so great that they tore us all apart, and all of our kind was eternally damned to live a life of separation and turmoil.”
He was pacing now, his hands clasped together in thought.
“One half became strong, fast, and intense, the bringers of death and war. The other half became smart, sharp, and gifted with life, and ultimately became the mothers, or watchers of our souls.”
“But my half, the death half, was also blessed with power, and for some that power became an obsession and we took our gift for granted. It was these dark halves that became jealous of their mate and the proprietor of their most prized possession, the soul, the blue light of love and life. It’s why I’m drawn to you, Elle. I can’t resist it, but I can stop myself from taking it. But in this fact, we are also soul mates,” he smirked at the word. “Literally.”
I breathed slowly, my body tingling with a sudden release, all my hate, all my anger from the past few days, it was all justified. “So basically,” my voice was low and intense, “We share the same soul, in love?” I was trying to clarify his story somehow.
He looked at me with a glitter in his eye, “Essentially, yes. But also in happiness.” He walked to his desk where he sat in the large velvet blue chair, I could sense his exhaustion now, “Centuries ago we had it figured out, we had learned how to live with each other, to be happy as many of our kind also did. I learned to resist my jealous urge to kill you and steal the soul for myself. You see…” he leaned back in his chair, “I need energy to live, natural energy. Right now, the best I can do is gather it from the stars and nature.” His face looked hallowed as though remembering a better day, “But you, before…” he paused, “all I had to do was be around you.”
I listened with grave curiosity, my body breaking out in a sweat as the adrenaline pulsed undiluted through my blood. This was everything I had always dreamed to know, and now, it all made sense. It was as though all the suffering was somehow explained, as though I could finally move on from my sorrow, and live a life a could be proud of, a life I could finally feel.
His body was tense, “You have no concept of who you are or what you can be,” there was a fire in his eyes as he talked, “With your soul intact, you will be happy again.” He sat forward in his chair, “The being I see in front of me pains my heart. You’re nothing but a severed shell of your beautiful self. Your skin, your hair, it used to be so brilliant and so alive.”
Under this new light, everything about Edgar seemed different. Despite the fact I’d only been here a short time, seeing him now made my heart feel tight with anxiety, as though longing to be close to him, to never be apart.
I slowly stepped toward him, “Then how can you be happy? How are you ok?” There was a passion to my voice I’d never known. If he couldn’t access my soul either, than why was he so alive with life and emotion?
He sat forward again, mulling over my question, “I may be happy, but I’m weak. Where you lose your happiness, I lose my strength.” He sighed, “I’m tired Elle, every day is a struggle. I need your love, your life to bring me energy, not just your soul.” He sighed again, “Even though I may seem happy now, I wasn’t when you were gone, even when I could be. It’s all an act, to keep people away from me, to make sure they fear me, though the strength barely lasts.”
“So then, your weakness, that’s why you were unable to help yourself when you first saw me,” something inside of me was grafting myself closer to him, pulling me in.
“Yes,” he was fidgeting with a compass on his desk. “That first day in my class, with Henry, I was overwhelmed with desperation. I was weak beyond apprehension and hunger was driving me to try to kill you, but then the,” he paused, his eyes sad. “The love I felt deep inside, it saved you, and saved me. If you die, I’d never be able to live with myself, I couldn’t do it again.”
I stood there for a moment, overwhelmed with thought as I noticed the way his cheeks now seemed flushed, as though the time we’d spent here was already revitalizing his heart.
He sat up, giving me a bleak smile, “I think it’s time I take you and Isabelle back to your cabin, it’s getting late.” He smiled at us as we stood there in the flickering light of the candles. “My girls,” he whispered lightly under his breath.
BREAK OUT
The next day I woke to Isabelle’s subtle purring. During the night she had moved from the bed frame where I had perched her to a nesting position inside my arm. It was a surprise to see a bird cuddling as she was, but I guess it didn’t seem inconceivable that they could, just unlikely that a creature such as her would love a person so much.
I lay motionless for a few moments as I let the reality of everything sink in, unwilling to ruin the notion that my questions were at last answered. I thought about last night, how Edgar had divulged a whole other world to me, facts that I’d never imagined could exist. I had always figured I was the only one of my kind, my kind meaning, absolutely weird.
It was still pretty early and a part of me wondered if Scott would be showing up soon or if he’d officially forgotten me in his love daze with Sarah. With extreme care, I drew my arm out from around Isabelle, moving as softly as I could. After freeing my arm, I moved out from under the covers and tiptoed to the bathroom where I closed the door behind me with a silent click and turned on the shower.
I washed my hair under the soothing water, my energy ignited and my soul longing to smile, though it still refused me. There was an extra feeling of anticipation in my blood today, the thick adrenaline from last night still lingering. I was eager to get the hatchery class over with, anxious to see Edgar again. Now that I understood our special chemistry, it felt painful being apart. The string that was pulling me toward him was now yanking at my chest harder than ever. Something about being with him felt like centuries of life, centuries of some sort of comfort and completion that I needed to survive.
I felt the empty space in my chest, felt how desperate I was to get close to him and be whole again. I exhaled with eagerness and expectation, I needed that feeling back, and for the first time I felt I could finally see the end to my suffering, a solution that was true rather than another medication. Edgar was now all the drug I needed, and the only cure to the pain. Shutting off the water, I jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me as I opened my door. A low scream escaped my lips as I jumped back, my adrenaline pumped excitement halted. Blinking hard a few t
imes, I recognized the white thing was just Isabelle, standing like a stunned puppy on the floor before me, watching me with shocked curiosity.
I let out a relieved breath. For a moment, my mind had backtracked to that day in the woods and the grayish-white creature that had been following me. I stood there clutching the towel to my chest, my heart pounding. Isabelle was clearly much smaller than the thing in the woods, but when caught off guard, it’s rather hard to control your mind’s reactions.
Isabelle tilted her head up as she moved aside so I could pass, her eyes apologetic as though sorry she’d scared me.
“Isabelle,” I gasped, “Don’t do that again.” Her head tilted to the other side as though comprehending what I’d said and she scooted back, her claws clicking and sliding against the lacquered wood floors.
As I looked for something to wear, she hopped up to my bag, poking her head in as I was rummaging for a shirt. Isabelle was unlike any animal, let alone hawk, I had ever seen. Her mannerisms were more like a cat or dog, rather than a bird of prey. She nipped at my hand as I reached for a green shirt.
“Ouch, okay,” I looked at her with my brow furled, “I’ll pick something else.”
I moved my hand from the green shirt to a red hooded sweatshirt and she looked up at me, her eyes glinting.
“This one?” I asked. Amazed at how she seemed to understand.
She clicked her tongue at me and jumped around on the floor.
A sharp exhale escaped my lips, almost like a laugh, but without the joy, “Wow girl, I guess that’s a yes.”
I pulled the sweatshirt over my head as she watched, the warm fleece making my hair stick to my face with static from the dry climate. I pulled the rubber band from my hand and knotted my hair in a bun, figuring I was sick of it tangling in the wind, though I had to admit it felt great.
Content, Isabelle suddenly spread her wings, gently fanning them until she took flight, landing like an expert on the windowsill toward the back of the cabin and tapping her beak against the glass.