“You gave all yours away,” he explained, then turned before I could argue and went to the check-in desk again.
In a foggy dream I was presenting my ID and receiving a boarding pass. We walked back to the car, out of the way of other passengers who were showing up. We stood facing each other. Did it have to be like this? I took a chance and leaned my forehead against his chest, expecting him to push me away, but he didn’t. He let me lean against him, but he kept his own hands at his sides.
“It’s time for you to go,” he said.
“Wait.” I looked up at him. “There’s something I need to know.” I was scrambling for time, and there’d been something nagging at me this whole trip, especially after last night. “Remember at the beginning of the trip, when you said you always know right away what you’d have to do to get a girl into bed... even me?”
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and I saw his forearms flex. His eyes went smoky blue in that dangerous way of his, and he gave a single nod.
“What would you have to do?” I asked. “For me?”
“Let’s not go there,” he said in a low voice.
“Tell me. Please.”
He stared at my face, paying special attention to my freckle. He wet his lips and clenched his jaw.
“Fine,” he finally said. “I’d have to make you believe I loved you.”
I closed my eyes. That one hurt. Mostly because I realized deep down, I had thought he loved me. I had a very bad case of good-girl syndrome.
Had this whole trip been a game for him, then? Was I nothing more than another silly girl who’d been foolish enough to fall for him? I shook my head. I couldn’t believe that. He stared down, daring me to ask more.
“I wish, just once, that I could see your colors,” I whispered.
“Well, I’m glad you can’t. And I wish I’d never seen yours.”
He’d been right when he said the truth could hurt far worse than any lie.
With a deep breath I turned from him, picked up my bag, and walked into the airport, not looking back.
“The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
—John Milton, Paradise Lost
CHAPTER TWENTY
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
If I didn’t know any better, I would swear Patti could see colors and read minds. Maybe it went along with the territory of motherhood. When she picked me up from the airport, she stated halfway home, “You’re in love with him.”
All I could do was nod.
“You’re hurting. I shouldn’t have let you go,” she said.
“No, I’m glad I went. I had to do it. I wouldn’t take it back. Besides, unrequited love is one of those things that all teen-agers have to go through, right?” I tried to smile.
“Unrequited?” She raised her eyebrows in dispute. “I’d say that boy has feelings for you, too. You’re probably not the only one hurting right now.”
We didn’t talk anymore on the way home, but I mulled over what she’d said.
I mapped our trip backward in my mind to imagine where Kaidan might be at any given moment. I could think of nothing else. Jay didn’t know I’d come home early, and I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.
My hopes rose every time the phone rang, but it was never him. I concocted stories in my mind of every possible scenario where he would come for me or call me and declare his feelings. We would run far away together, where his father could never find us.
In other words, I was delusional.
So this was what girls did after being ditched by Kaidan Rowe? Now I understood all of the messages he’d received. I wondered whether each one of them had felt as special as I had under his touch. I wondered whether it was supposed to hurt less, since he dumped me for our own good. Because it didn’t.
The day I returned, I went back to work, requesting as many hours as possible.
Patti gave me a lot of space on my first day home.
The second day she tried to cheer me.
“Wanna hit up some yard sales with me?”
I shook my head.
“How about a day at the lake?”
I shook my head harder. No way.
“Okay, then. I know it’s not officially a special occasion, but what do you say to Mexican food?” Her eyes sparkled as she waggled her eyebrows.
I burst into tears.
On the third day I was determined to get myself out of this unhealthy funk, for Patti’s sake if nothing else. Self-pity was like wearing a wool jacket in the sweltering heat, and I wanted it gone. So I went for a short run first thing in the morning. It helped a little.
When I got back home, Patti saw me from where she sat on the balcony. She came into the apartment with a hint of yellow in her aura.
“Ready for your hot chocolate?” she asked.
I thought about that.
“I think I’ll have coffee instead.”
She eyed me, surprised, and then nodded.
We sat on the couch and she handed me a cup of hot coffee with sugar and cream. I sipped it. It was a little bitter, but bitter suited me.
“I know that you’re going through a dark time right now,” Patti said, rubbing my arm. “I need you to be strong. When you’re hurting and afraid is when you need to dig the deepest.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t feeling strong. I didn’t feel like the kind of person who was worthy of being entrusted with a heavenly artifact. I felt like a little girl pretending to be a coffee drinker.
She must have sensed my self-doubt, because she reached across our laps and hugged me hard enough to squeeze my head off, nearly spilling our coffees.
I ran again that afternoon. Next I read, or tried to, at least. Then I ate a ginormous bowl of rocky-road ice cream. When that was finished I listened to all the songs that used to be my favorites but somehow no longer evoked any feeling. I missed Kaidan’s playlist.
Patti’s constant company helped put a crack in my dark demeanor, and a tiny sliver of light now seeped in. But I needed something more. It was time to dunk myself into the ultimate cheer tank, something I’d been avoiding.
I called Jay.
“You’re home! What’s up, girl? How was it?”
I relaxed into the couch at the sound of his voice. “It was... good. I’m glad I went.”
“Good? Good?! Okay, I can see you’re gonna be difficult. I’m coming over. Stay right where you are, shorty.”
Jay was in my living room in record time, full of life and a yellow-orange energy. He picked me up in a bear hug and I squealed. In the week since I’d seen him, his hair had grown into a thick fuzz, and his little chin hair was longer, too. He sprawled himself on the couch and I sat cross-legged in the recliner.
“First of all,” he started, “how long did it take for you to fall for him?”
His tone was superlight, but I blanched.
“Lemme guess,” he said. “Two days!”
“Four,” I said softly.
Jay let out a whoot and smacked his knee.
“Stronger than the average girl.” He gave me a proud grin. “Wait, you’re not really, like, in love or whatever, are you?”
“I love him.”
“Geez, don’t sound too happy about it.”
“Think about who we’re discussing here,” I reminded him.
He registered that. “Did he hurt you?”
“Not physically.”
“Did you guys do it? Not that it’s any of my business, but did you?”
“No.” Thanks to Kaidan.
I concentrated on the unraveling upholstery on the arm of the recliner.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Not yet.”
“Damn.” He sat back on the couch and looked out the back door. “Well, don’t take it too hard. You’re way too sweet for him anyway.”
I swallowed hard.
“How’d it go with your dad?” he asked.
This was more comfortable gro
und, although I’d have to filter almost the entire conversation.
“It was good. He’s got a shaved head like a big, scary biker.” I got a cozy feeling as I thought of my dad. “I’m glad I met him. I think he’ll be a big part of my life now, weird as it sounds.”
“That’s awesome, Anna.”
“Yeah.” I told him all about my dad’s redemption found in prison, and how he might be getting out soon. I was already looking forward to seeing him again.
Patti came home, an aura of soft blue relief blooming around her when she saw me with Jay. He hopped up to greet her with a hug.
“Good to see you, Miss Whitt.”
“So good to see you, too, Jay.” She rubbed his head. “And please, won’t you ever just call me Patti?”
A feeling of normalcy crept back into my life with the two of them there. For those few precious moments I was happy, not thinking about anything else. Until Jay lifted his chin and looked at my neck.
“Hey, I like that necklace. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear jewelry. You get that on the trip?”
I brought my hand up to the stone. “Yeah. Kai got it for me.”
We all became still at the uncomfortable mention of his name. Patti and Jay exchanged a glance. I cleared my throat and shoved my hands in my pockets.
“So,” Jay said, clasping his hands and rocking back on his heels. “How ’bout them Braves?”
On the fifth day I knew Kaidan would have made it home. I held my breath and called him. I listened to every charming word of his voice mail, then hung up. That evening I sat on my bed and called again. This time I left a message.
“Hi, Kai, um, Kaidan. It’s me. Anna. I’m just trying to see if you made it home safely. I’m sure you probably did. Just checking. You can call me anytime. If you want. Anyway. Okay, bye.”
I hung up and buried my shamed face into a pillow. Now I was leaving messages after he’d made it clear he wanted zero to do with me? Next thing I knew I’d be frequenting his shows to give him psycho stares from the back, and then doing late-night drive-bys to see what girl he was bringing home. The thought of him with another girl made me writhe in discomfort and curl up in the fetal position.
Day six was our first day of back-to-school shopping. We still had a month before school began, but the state issued a tax-free day, so stores were having big sales. I eyed all the teensy skirts and fashionable shirts dangling on mannequins. I tried to imagine Kaidan’s reaction if I came dressed like that to one of his shows, some guy other than Jay on my arm. Ugly stalker thoughts. I was full of them.
Two weeks passed, and I was still tripping over chairs to grab the phone every time it rang, like now.
This time it was Jay.
“Duuuuude! You’re never gonna friggin’ believe this!” he hollered. I distanced the phone from my ear. “I just got a call from the manager of Lascivious, and they want to buy the rights to two of our songs!”
My stomach did a flip-flop at the mention of the band.
“Wow, Jay, congratulations! That’s awesome!”
I hoped I managed to sound excited, despite the churning inside me.
“You gotta come with me on Thursday, Anna. They’re gonna perform one of them live!”
Big, huge flip-flop. It was a perfect excuse to see Kaidan. But it would do me no good—just the opposite. I didn’t know how to break it to Jay without hurting his feelings.
“Jay,” I began, sitting in a chair and resting my forehead on my palm. “I want to support you. I really do. I’d love to hear your song, but it’s not a good idea for me to go. Kaidan flat-out told me he wanted me to stay away from him.”
“Dude, whatever. You’ll be there for me, not him. You’re my best friend.”
I was torn. It broke my heart to think of not being there for Jay, but Kaidan had made himself clear. Still, I was the worst friend ever.
“Look, Jay, I’m going to be honest with you, even though it’s embarrassing. I’m one step away from stalking him.” My voice shook. “All I do is think of him. If there were no such thing as caller ID, I would call him all day just to listen to him talking on his voice mail. I’m having an extremely difficult time getting over him. If I see him again...”
“Sorry, man. I guess I didn’t think about it that way. It’s cool. I understand.”
His feelings were hurt. I could tell it in his voice, and it made my eyes sting.
“I’m so sorry, Jay. Will you please call me the second you leave the show and tell me everything?” I asked. “I don’t care how late it is. Promise me.”
“All right. Sure.”
The disappointment in his voice tore me up inside. We hung up and I got the itchy-fingered urge to call Kaidan again, this time with the excuse of talking about Jay’s songs. I threw the phone away from me like a poisonous viper, into the chair across the room.
I sat on my bed with the phone on my lap at eleven thirty on Thursday night. I’d warned Patti that Jay would be calling late. When it rang I snatched it up.
“Hello?” I whispered.
“Oh, man, you just missed the best show ever!”
I smiled. At least he didn’t sound upset with me anymore.
“How was your song? Did they do it justice?”
“Dude, I’m not even kidding. It was a million times better than I imagined it!”
I was feeling giddy for him.
“Yeah? That good, huh?”
“Definitely. I can’t wait for you to hear it. Everyone was rockin’ out to it! The whole place. I almost cried like a big... well, like you! Ha, ha. But I didn’t.” He heaved a great big sigh of contentment.
“I’m so happy for you, Jay. You deserve it.” I felt very bad at that moment, regretful that I didn’t go and just hide in a corner at the show or something.
“They’re talking about going to L.A. to make a record in the next year.”
I got quiet. Los Angeles? Would he have to move there? I lay down on my side and pulled my big pillow into a hug, keeping the phone at my ear.
“You still there?” Jay asked.
“I’m still here. Sorry. That’s... great news.”
“Yeah. Hey,” he said, “there’s something else, too. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you.”
Uh-oh.
“Well, you have to tell me now that you brought it up.”
“All right, well. Afterward, backstage, Kaidan was surrounded by all of these girls.” Oh, gosh—gag reflex! “But as soon as he saw me he left ’em all hanging and came straight over. He said he liked the songs, which was cool. Then he asked where you were, and I said you were at home. And he was all, ‘How is she?’ And I was like, ‘Well, she’s been better, man.’ And, I don’t know, it was weird. He wasn’t acting right. He bolted right after that, didn’t even stay to party.” He paused, quiet. “What really happened between you guys?”
I was more confused than ever when I whispered, “I don’t know.”
He asked about me. He didn’t stay to party.
“Maybe he’s just one of those players who won’t let himself get too close to anybody,” Jay theorized.
“Yeah,” I said. “Or maybe he’s got some serious daddy issues.”
Jay laughed at that.
I wished I were joking.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
TEA FOR TWINS
It was our last day shopping for back-to-school stuff and we’d gone to the mall. The sky was overcast, and the cramped parking garage was so dim I had to adjust my sight. I held both the shopping bags while Patti dug around in her purse for the keys. If I hadn’t been using my extended vision, I might not have noticed them standing at the other end of the garage.
Four Neph: two male, two female, each with a small starburst badge. I almost dropped the bags, tightening my grip just in time. Then I casually looked around, pretending not to notice them watching me. I thought of Kaidan’s words the day I’d gone to his house: Neph don’t show up unless they’re looking for trouble.
I kept my face neutral, hoping not to give away my internal panic. I wished Patti weren’t with me.
She unlocked our doors and we climbed in. I sneaked a peek and saw the four climbing into a shiny black car in the next row. They were going to follow us. I had to think.
Using a receipt from one of the bags and a pen from the glove compartment, I scribbled a note as fast as my trembling hand would allow.
We’re being followed. Act normal. Don’t go home.
Slow down when we go around the bend of the elementary school, and I’ll jump out and run. You keep going—to the church.
I’ll call your cell when it’s safe.
Patti’s eyes looked up and down from the road to the note that I held low between us. Her knuckles whitened and she gave a tiny frantic shake of her head. Great. She was going to be difficult.
I’ll run to the ball fields!
There should be weekend games today, all sports, and lots of people. I could try to blend in and lose them. Oh—but what if they went after Patti instead of me? One way or another, this was not good. I shoved the paper in my pocket. Patti’s face was pale and shiny from sweat. She gave a small nod of agreement. Now we needed to act normal. I hoped Patti would play along.
“Thanks for taking me today,” I said. “I think I’m finally ready for school.”
“No problem, honey. You sure you don’t need another bra, though?”
I cringed and she made an apologetic face.
“Nope, I’m good,” I forced out.
I glanced at the side mirror. They were four cars behind us. I pushed out my hearing to them, but found only silence in their car.
We were coming up on the blind curve by the elementary school. They wouldn’t be able to see us for about ten seconds while we rounded the slow bend. Next to the school was a patch of forest, and on the other side of those woods were soccer, baseball, and general playing fields. If I could just get there, I would have a chance.
My heart pounded as we started the turn. Patti gave my arm a squeeze. I opened the door and jumped out, closing it as quietly as I could.
I took off at a dead sprint, running faster than I ever had.
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