by R. L. Stine
“Stop him!” Kermit cried. “He’s out of control! He’ll break something!”
CRAAAASH.
A shelf of canning jars toppled to the floor.
Barking loudly, the dog bounded away from the shelf and began running in wide circles, his big paws clomping on the tile floor. Round and round, as if chasing his tail.
“Dogface—whoa!” Evan called, chasing after the sheepdog. He turned back to Andy. “Help me! We’ve got to stop him! He’s acting crazy!”
Dogface disappeared into the laundry room. “Dogface—come back here!” Evan called.
He burst into the laundry room in time to see the dog crash into the ironing board. It toppled over, along with a stack of clothes that had been resting on it. The iron clattered over the hard floor.
Dogface yelped and climbed out from under the spilled clothes. Spotting Evan, the dog’s stubby tail began wagging—and he leaped across the room.
“No!” Evan screeched as the huge dog knocked him over backwards to the ground. Dogface frantically licked Evan’s face.
Behind him, Evan heard Andy laugh. “Too much energy! He’s acting like a crazy puppy!” she declared.
“He’s too big to think he’s a puppy!” Evan wailed.
Dogface was sniffing furiously under the washing machine. He pounced on a large black ant.
Then he turned and came bounding over to Andy and Evan.
“Look out!” Evan cried.
But the big sheepdog lumbered past them, back into the other room. They followed him, watching him roll over a few times, kicking his big, furry paws in the air.
Then Dogface jumped to his feet—and came charging at Kermit.
“Whoa! Whoa, boy!” Kermit cried. He turned to Andy. “You’re right. This is just the way Dogface acted when he was a puppy. The mixture gave him too much energy!”
The sheepdog crashed into an old couch against the wall. He climbed up onto the couch, sniffing the cushions, exploring. His stubby tail wagged furiously.
“Dogface, you’re not a puppy!” Evan cried. “Please listen to me! You’re too big to be a puppy! Dogface—please!”
“Look out!” Andy shrieked.
The dog jumped off the couch and went running full speed toward Kermit.
“No! Stop!” Kermit cried. He dove behind the lab table.
The dog tried to slow down. But his big legs were carrying him too fast.
Dogface crashed into the lab table. Bottles and beakers flew into the air, then crashed to the floor. The table toppled over on top of Kermit.
The shelves fell off the wall, and all of the jars and tubes and beakers tumbled to the floor, shattering, clattering, chemicals pouring out over the floor.
“What a mess!” Evan cried. “What a horrible mess!”
He turned—and let out a loud gasp.
Aunt Dee stood in the doorway. Her mouth was opened wide in surprise, and her eyes nearly bulged out of her head.
“What on Earth is going on down here?” she shrieked.
“Uh… well…” Evan started.
How could he begin to explain? And if he did find a way to explain, would Aunt Dee believe him?
Aunt Dee pressed her hands against her waist and tapped one foot on the floor. “What has happened here?” she demanded angrily.
“Uh… well…” Evan repeated.
Kermit spoke up first. He pointed an accusing finger at Evan. “Evan was teasing the dog!” he cried.
9
Kermit’s mom glared angrily at Evan. “I’m paying you to take care of Kermit,” she said sternly. “Not to play silly jokes on the dog and wreck my house.”
“But—but—but—” Evan sputtered.
“Evan didn’t do it!” Andy protested.
But her words were drowned out by Kermit, who let out a loud, phony wail—and burst into tears. “I tried to stop Evan!” Kermit sobbed. “I didn’t want him to tease Dogface! But he wouldn’t stop!”
Kermit rushed into his mother’s arms. “It’s okay,” Aunt Dee said soothingly. “It’s okay, Kermit. I’ll make sure Evan never does it again.”
She narrowed her eyes angrily at Evan as Kermit continued to sob, holding on to his mother like a baby.
Evan rolled his eyes at Andy. Andy replied with a shrug.
“Evan, you and Andy can start cleaning up this mess,” Mrs. Majors ordered. “Kermit is a very sensitive boy. When you play jokes like this, it upsets him terribly.”
Kermit sobbed even louder. His mom tenderly patted his head. “It’s okay, Kermit. It’s okay. Evan won’t ever tease Dogface again,” she whispered.
“But—but—” Evan sputtered.
How could Kermit put on such an act?
How could he deliberately get Evan into trouble? This mess wasn’t Evan’s fault. It was Kermit’s!
“I really don’t think—” Andy started.
But Aunt Dee raised a hand to silence her. “Just get this mess cleaned up—okay?”
She turned to Evan. “I’m not going to tell your mom about this, Evan,” she said, still patting Kermit’s head.
“Thanks,” Evan muttered.
“I’m going to give you one more chance,” she continued. “You don’t really deserve it. If you weren’t my nephew, I’d make you pay for all the damage. And I’d get someone else to take care of Kermit.”
“Evan is mean,” Kermit murmured, removing his glasses and wiping tears off his cheeks. “Evan is really mean.”
What a little rat! Evan thought. But he remained silent, his eyes lowered to the floor.
“Kermit, let’s get you cleaned up,” Aunt Dee said, leading him to the stairs. “Then we’ll have to give the dog a bath.”
She turned back to Evan and pointed a finger at him. “One more chance,” she warned. “One more chance.”
In the corner, Dogface let out a loud hiccup.
“See how you’ve upset the dog?” Kermit’s mom called to Evan. “You’ve given poor Dogface the hiccups!”
“But—but—” Evan sputtered again.
As Evan struggled to find words to defend himself, Kermit and his mom disappeared up the stairs.
Two hours later, Andy and Evan wearily headed for home.
“What a mess,” Evan moaned. “Look at me. I’m covered in chemicals.”
“Two hours,” Andy muttered. “Two hours to clean up the basement. And Dogface stood there watching us, hiccupping the whole time.”
“Kermit is such a little creep,” Evan said, kicking a stone across the sidewalk.
Andy shook her head bitterly. “Do you have any more cousins like him?”
“No,” Evan replied. “Kermit is one of a kind.”
“He’s such a little liar,” Andy said.
“Hey—you stuck up for him,” Evan accused. “You said he was a genius, remember? You were so happy that he did your math problems for you, you thought he was wonderful.”
Andy shifted her backpack onto her other shoulder. A smile crossed her face. “I forgot all about the math problems,” she said. “Kermit may be a little creep—but he’s also a genius. I’m going to get an A in math!” She let out a happy cheer.
“Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win,” Evan muttered.
Andy gave him a playful shove. “Did you just make that up? It’s very catchy.”
“Give me a break,” Evan growled. He turned and made his way up his driveway without saying good-bye.
Andy called him two nights later. “Your cousin Kermit is a total creep!” She shouted so loudly, Evan had to hold his phone away from his ear.
“Do you know what he did? Do you know what he did?” Andy shrieked.
“No. What?” Evan asked softly.
“He did all the math equations wrong,” Andy cried.
“Excuse me?” Evan wasn’t sure he heard correctly. “The genius got everything wrong?”
“On purpose!” Andy declared. “He got them wrong on purpose. He made up answers for all of them! He didn’t even read the proble
ms. He just wrote down stupid answers.”
“But why?” Evan demanded.
“Why? Why? Because he’s Kermit!” Andy screamed.
Evan swallowed hard. Poor Andy, he thought. Now she will fail in math.
“What a mean, rotten trick!” Andy shrieked into the phone. “Mrs. McGrady called me up to her desk and asked me to explain my answers. She asked me how I could possibly be so totally off on every single equation.”
Andy sighed bitterly. “Of course I couldn’t answer her. I just stood there with my mouth open. I think I drooled on her desk!”
“After we left his house, Kermit probably laughed his head off,” Evan said.
“That brat has such a sick sense of humor,” Andy wailed. “We have to pay him back, Evan. We really have to.”
“Yeah. We do,” Evan agreed.
“We have to get out the Monster Blood,” Andy urged. “We have to use the Monster Blood to pay him back.”
“Yeah. We do,” Evan agreed.
10
Evan called Andy back later that night. “I changed my mind,” he said. “I don’t want to use the Monster Blood.”
“What’s your problem?” Andy demanded. “Kermit deserves it. You know he does.”
“Monster Blood is too dangerous,” Evan told her. “It turned Cuddles the hamster into a giant, roaring monster. I don’t want to turn Kermit into a giant, roaring monster.”
“Neither do I!” Andy exclaimed. “I don’t want to feed it to him, Evan. I just want to slip a tiny bit into one of his mixtures. He thinks he’s so smart and can do anything. I want to see Kermit’s face when his mixture goes berserk!”
She laughed gleefully.
What an evil laugh, Evan thought.
“It’ll be awesome!” Andy exclaimed.
“Forget about it,” Evan insisted. “I have nightmares about Monster Blood almost every night. I don’t want to see that stuff again, Andy. I really don’t. Leave it locked up—please!”
“But you said we could do it!” Andy pleaded.
“I made a mistake,” Evan told her. “Don’t take it out of the closet, Andy. Leave it safe and sound in its can—okay?”
Andy didn’t reply.
“Okay?” Evan demanded. “Okay?”
“Okay,” Andy finally agreed.
“We’re going to play outside today, Kermit,” Evan said firmly. “It’s a beautiful day, and we’re going to go out and not stay in the stupid basement. Get it?”
It was a sunny, warm Thursday afternoon. Golden sunlight filtered down through the dust-covered basement windows up near the ceiling.
Standing behind his lab table, arranging his jars and bottles of chemicals, Kermit muttered something to himself.
“No argument,” Andy added. “We’re going outside even if Evan and I have to drag you out.”
“But I have a mixture I want to try,” Kermit whined.
“You need some sunshine,” Evan told him. “Look how pale you are. You look just like a white mouse.”
Kermit was wearing a huge olive-colored T-shirt over baggy brown shorts. With his white-blond hair, beady eyes, and buck teeth, he looked more like a rat in human clothes.
He frowned, hurt by Evan’s description.
“Okay. I’ll go outside with you,” he murmured unhappily.
“Yaay!” Andy whooped. It was the first time Kermit had ever agreed to leave his basement lab.
“But first I have to have a drink,” Kermit said. He stepped out from behind the lab table and made his way toward the basement stairs. “You want an orange soda?”
“Yeah. Sure,” Evan replied. He and Andy followed Kermit up the stairs to the kitchen.
“I can’t believe he agreed to go out and play,” Andy whispered. “Do you think he’s sick or something?”
“Maybe he feels bad about the mean tricks he’s pulled,” Evan whispered.
The kitchen phone rang. Evan answered it. It was the wrong number.
He hung up the phone. He and Andy stepped up to the counter. Andy was wearing pink jeans, a yellow sleeveless T-shirt, and bright orange high-tops.
Kermit had already poured out three glasses of orange soda. The soda was the same color as Andy’s high-tops, Evan noticed. They all drank the soda down quickly.
“I was really thirsty,” Kermit said. Evan didn’t pay any attention to the strange smile on Kermit’s face. After all, Kermit always had a strange smile on his face.
“This orange soda is very sweet,” Andy commented. She made a face. “Too sweet! It makes my teeth itch!”
Kermit laughed. “I think it’s good,” he said.
They set their glasses down in the sink and stepped out the back door. Evan found a red Frisbee on the back stoop. He flipped it to Andy.
Andy trotted across the backyard and flipped it back to Evan. “Let’s play keep-away from Kermit!” she cried.
“Hey—no way!” Kermit protested. “Toss it to me!”
Andy sent the Frisbee flying over Kermit’s head to Evan. Kermit made a wild grab for it, but it sailed out of his reach. It hit Evan’s hands, but Evan dropped it.
Andy started to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Evan demanded.
Andy shrugged. “I don’t know.” She let out another giggle.
Evan flipped the Frisbee to Kermit. It bounced off Kermit’s chest.
This kid is a real klutz, Evan thought. It’s because he never plays sports. He never comes up out of his basement.
Andy uttered a high-pitched laugh.
Evan started to laugh, too.
Kermit picked up the Frisbee. He tried to toss it to Andy, but the Frisbee sailed way over her head. It hit the side of the garage and bounced off.
Evan and Andy both laughed harder.
Evan trotted over to the garage. He sent a sidearm toss toward Andy. She missed, and the Frisbee flew into the low hedges at the side of the yard.
Andy didn’t chase after it. She was laughing too hard.
Evan laughed even harder. Tears ran down his cheeks.
What’s happening to me? he wondered, suddenly feeling frightened.
Why can’t I stop laughing? What’s going on?
Kermit grinned at both of them. That grin!
Evan laughed even harder. So hard, his stomach hurt.
Something is wrong, Evan realized. Something is terribly wrong.
“K-Kermit—why are we l-laughing?” he stammered.
Andy wiped tears from her eyes. She held her sides and laughed some more.
“Why are we laughing?” Evan demanded.
“I gave you my laughing mixture,” Kermit told them. “I put it in the orange soda.”
Evan tossed back his head and laughed. Andy giggled so hard, she choked. But she kept on laughing.
This isn’t funny. This is scary, Evan thought. But he let out a shrill giggle.
“How—how long are we going to laugh like this, Kermit?” Evan managed to ask.
“Probably forever,” Kermit replied, flashing his famous toothy grin.
11
Evan took a deep breath and tried to hold it. But the laughter burst out of him so hard, his chest ached.
Laughing giddily, Andy made a grab for Kermit.
Kermit ducked out of her reach and went scampering toward the fence at the back of the yard.
Evan shook his head hard, trying to shake off the effect of the laughter potion. But it didn’t help. He laughed until tears rolled down his face.
Andy chased after Kermit, laughing shrilly.
Evan followed, gasping for breath. I can’t breathe, he realized. I’m laughing so hard, I can’t breathe.
“K-Kermit—!” Evan choked out. “You’ve got to s-stop it!” A high giggle burst out of his throat. “You’ve g-got to!”
“I don’t know how,” Kermit replied calmly.
Andy and Evan laughed in reply.
“It’s awesome—isn’t it!” Kermit declared happily. “The mixture works perfectly!”
Andy made a grab for Kermit’s throat.
Again, Kermit ducked away.
Andy and Evan laughed a little harder.
Andy picked up the Frisbee and tried to heave it at Kermit. But she was laughing too hard to control it. The Frisbee sailed over the fence.
“Hey—get that back. That’s mine!” Kermit demanded.
Evan and Andy laughed.
A familiar face popped up on the other side of the fence.
“Conan!” Kermit cried.
Conan peered first at Andy, then at Evan. “Are you looking at my yard?” he asked Evan.
Evan struggled to hold it in. But he let out a high, shrill laugh.
“Didn’t I warn you last week about looking at my yard?” Conan demanded.
Evan laughed.
“Conan, give me back my Frisbee,” Kermit whined.
Conan leaped over the fence. Evan saw that he had the Frisbee in his left hand. Conan quickly hid the Frisbee behind his back.
Andy and Evan laughed. Andy wiped tears from her eyes. Her whole body shook with laughter.
“Give me back my Frisbee,” Kermit insisted.
Conan ignored him. “What’s so funny?” he asked Andy and Evan. He balled his right hand into a fist.
Andy giggled.
If we keep laughing, he’ll pound us! Evan realized. But he couldn’t help himself. He let out a loud belly laugh.
“Hey—I want my Frisbee!” Kermit whined.
“I don’t have your Frisbee,” Conan lied, keeping his left hand behind his back.
Evan tossed his head back and laughed.
“Yes, you do. It’s behind your back,” Kermit said. “Give it back, Conan.”
“Who’s going to make me?” Conan demanded in a low, menacing voice.
Evan let out a high giggle. Andy laughed, too.
“They are!” Kermit replied to Conan. “They’re going to make you!” He turned to Evan. “Make Conan give back my Frisbee.”
Evan laughed in reply.
“What’s so funny?” Conan asked again.
Andy shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing’s funny,” she choked. Then she burst out laughing.
“I don’t like people laughing at me,” Conan said.