Protect Me

by Alexis Winter

  Not having her in my life has resulted in the best months I can remember. I’ve actually gotten to live for me, and do what I wanted to do. I feel selfish for thinking this way, but there’s no way to change it. Our relationship has been strained for so long that I don’t know how to fix it, or if I even want to. So while she’s been in rehab, I’ve been keeping my distance and thinking about what kind of future we can have. I still haven’t made up my mind.

  I’m staring at my feet when Ethan nudges me with his elbow. I look up at him, and he nods ahead. I look up and see a woman walking down the hallway with a nurse at her side. They’re chatting away, and for a brief second, I think, “That can’t be my mom.” But as she draws closer, I can see a resemblance. Her dark hair isn’t a crazy mess of tangles—it’s smoothed out and wavy as it frames her face. Her dark eyes are no longer bloodshot, and she wears a smile that I haven’t seen in years. Her dark hair is still graying, and the wrinkles are still around her eyes, but her cheeks no longer look hollow. They’re now plump and pink. She doesn’t look fragile or frail anymore. She’s gained some weight, making her look much healthier and stronger.

  “Ethan,” she says, pulling him in for a hug. When she pulls away, she looks at me. “Amy,” she breathes out, looking as if she may cry.

  “Mom?” I ask, a little breathless at the emotion pouring out of her with only my name.

  Her dark eyes tear up as a sad smile appears. “I…I have so much to say to you, to ask forgiveness for.” She doesn’t hug me, because I think she feels the strain on our relationship as well, but she does hold out her hand.

  I look from her hand, to her face, and back. Then I decide to take the olive branch. I hold her hand firmly in mine. “You look good, Mom. Really good.”

  She wipes a tear that escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek. “So do you, Amy. You’re so beautiful. So grown up.” She releases my hand and brushes my hair away from my face. “Let’s get going, huh? I have things I’d like to say to both of you.”

  She quickly says her goodbyes to the friends she’s made, and we three leave the building together.

  Ethan drives us back, and the moment we walk into my apartment, I get to work on brewing some coffee. To keep myself busy, I throw a couple of pastries into the toaster oven to warm up. Mom and Ethan are both sitting at the kitchen table, waiting on me to stop fiddling around, but my nerves are through the roof. I’m so anxious about what she’s going to say. Is she going to say she’s sorry? And if she does, can I forgive her?

  I pour three cups of coffee and take them to the table. Going back for the pastries, I put them all on a plate and set them in the center of the table for anyone to nibble on. Standing at the table, I look around for anything I could have forgotten.

  “Oh, stop your worrying and sit down, Amy,” Mom says. “You’ve always been such a worrywart.”

  With a deep sigh leaving my lips, I take the place between my mom and brother.

  Mom takes a sip of her coffee, then sets it down gently. “I have apologies to make, but before I do, I’d like to try and explain myself.”

  Ethan opens his mouth, but she holds up her finger, silencing him.

  “I know explaining myself will not make up for any of the things I’ve done, but I’d like for you to at least know what I was going through when I made the horrible decisions I did. It wasn’t until therapy that I discovered them for myself.”

  Ethan and I look at one another before he finally nods her on.

  “Alcoholism has always run in my family. My father was a drunk. He would drink anything he could get his hands on. It cost him his job many times. And grandma, she was what we call a social drinker. However, I’m not sure if you can really call it that because she was always socializing. Growing up, we didn’t have much money, and drinking was a way of forgetting that we didn’t have much. It was fun, and at times, it seemed like it was the only fun that was had. I grew up watching my parents drink for several reasons. And I guess a part of me just always thought it was okay to reach for a drink when I’d had a hard day.”

  God knows I’ve done that, but the rest of what my mom is describing feels so different from my own experience. Sure, I’ve had a drink to forget. I’ve had a drink to have fun. I’ve had a drink for no reason at all. But I’m not an alcoholic. I can turn it away if I want, and I in no way need to drink every day. How can two people be so similar and yet so different at the same time?

  “I met your father at the bar here in town. We were both out with our friends, having fun. That night, I went home with him and little did I know then, but I got pregnant with Ethan. My whole pregnancy, I was so upset because while I had to change my lifestyle, he didn’t. I was left home alone while he went out drinking and partying at all hours of the night. So, once Ethan was finally born, I was able to be by his side again. I’m not saying your father was a bad man then. I loved him. He was a hard worker and provided everything his family needed. I won’t lie though, I didn’t want to be a mother. I wanted to be the twenty-two-year-old woman I was. I wanted to spend time with the man I loved, and I wanted to drink and have fun.”

  She takes a deep breath. “For the first couple years of Ethan’s life, he was raised by my mother or babysitters so that I could go out and have a good time with your father. But then, all that drinking and partying led me to becoming pregnant with Amy. Again, I resented being pregnant. My life had to change again, but his didn’t. I thought everything would be okay, that it would be like it was the first time. But this time, it was different. He was going out and getting drunk without me. He was finding women who didn’t care that he was leaving his pregnant wife and son at home. Things between us went from bad to worse. I found out that he’d cheated on me, and I confronted him. I guess maybe I shouldn’t have done that, because that fight led to him smacking me and causing me to fall over. That fall sent me into early labor. He stormed out of the house, and that was the last time I saw him. I thought he’d find out I was in labor and come to the hospital, but he didn’t. Then I thought he’d sober up and come home when he’d cooled off, but as you know, he didn’t.

  From then on, it was just too easy to drown out my problems with alcohol. I was a single woman with a little boy and a newborn baby, and I suddenly had to figure out how to provide. I don’t know if you remember or not, Ethan, but I took whatever job I could get. I waited tables, I cleaned houses, and I even landed a secretary job there for a little while. But when I came home, I was mom. I was so tired and so stressed that one drink led to two, and two to four, and four to an entire bottle. The longer I drank, the more I needed to drink. And before I knew it, you kids were grown and out of the house. I was all alone, and the depression, anger, and sadness were just too much.”

  She looks at Ethan. “If it weren’t for you, Amy wouldn’t be here right now. I’m certain she would’ve been taken away at some point. You were the one who raised her until she could take care of herself. I stole your childhood, and for that I’ll forever be sorry. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. Even though I was the adult, you were the one taking care of everything. I don’t know how to repay you for that.” Tears are now streaming down her face.

  Ethan reaches over and takes her hand in his, pressing a kiss to the top. “I don’t need an apology, Mom. And you don’t need to thank me. I’m just glad we’re finally getting you back.”

  She turns and looks at me, and my blood runs cold.

  Chapter 15

  “Amy, I’ve never been a mother to you. You’ve taken care of me more than I’ve ever taken care of you.” She sniffles and wipes away more tears.

  “Mom, this isn’t…”

  “No, please. Let me get this out.” She takes a ragged breath. “Once Ethan left, if it hadn’t been for you, I’d be dead right now. I don’t know how many times you cared for me after I drank too much. I’ll never be able to give you your childhood back, and I know there will be this spot in me that’s always going to be broken, but I’d re
ally like to fix us. I want to be your mother. And I know it will take a lot of work on both our parts to repair what I broke, but I want to do that work, Amy. I want you to be my daughter again. I know I haven’t said this in a very long time, but…I love you.” She looks at me and then at Ethan. “I love both of you.” She reaches for both of our hands.

  “Is there any way you two will accept me back into your lives after all I’ve done?”

  “Of course, Mom,” Ethan says, pulling his hand away and standing to give her a hug.

  She releases my hand to hug him closer. I sit back in my seat, watching them and wondering how he can be so quick to just forgive twenty years’ worth of bullshit.

  * * *

  I cross my arms over my chest, watching them.

  * * *

  They pull away and she looks at me. “What do you say, Amy? Can our relationship be repaired?”

  I look from my mom and then to Ethan. I’m frozen. I don’t know what to say or what to do. Yes, I’d love for us to repair what’s been broken. But can I? Can I put everything behind us and start over? Can I forget every horrible thing she’s put me through? Missing all my school plays, not being able to ever have a sleepover like all my friends, never getting a memorable birthday or Christmas. Can I forget all of that?

  “Amy,” Ethan says, motioning toward Mom, urging me to accept her apology.

  I shake my head as my eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.” Without another word, I push away from the table, grab my purse and keys, and leave the apartment as quickly as I can.

  I climb behind the wheel of my truck with tears streaming down my face. My vision is blurry, but I start the truck anyway. Wiping my eyes, I shift into drive and kick up rocks from leaving so fast. I don’t pay any attention to where I’m going, and I don’t think about it until I find myself pulling up at the ranch.

  Tyler doesn’t step out of the barn like normal, so I keep heading down the old dirt road that leads to his cabin at the back of the property. The second the truck is shut off and I’m swinging the door closed behind me, he opens the screen door. He reads the pain on my face and rushes over.

  “Amy, what’s wrong?” He pulls me against his chest.

  I can’t form words right now. All I can do is shake my head and let the tears fall.

  He picks me up against him and carries me into the cabin. Moving through the living room, he carries me to the bedroom where he softly places me on the bed.

  He doesn’t try to remove any clothing; he just climbs in behind me and pulls me to his chest, blanketing me with his heat, love, and understanding. I know if anyone understands, it’s Tyler. He doesn’t have the best relationship with his parents either.

  After several long minutes, once I’ve gotten my tears and breathing under control, I finally break the silence. “Tyler, can I ask you something?”

  “Anything,” he whispers, his breath causing my hair to tickle my cheek.

  “If your parents called right now and said that they were sorry for everything, could you forgive them? If they said that they were finally giving you everything you’ve ever wanted, could you leave the past in the past?”

  He takes a deep breath. “I’m guess your mom has asked for your forgiveness, and you’re not sure if you can grant her that?”

  I nod, more tears slipping out.

  He waits a while longer like he’s thinking over my question. Finally, he answers.

  “I’d like to think I could forgive them—that I’d be able to leave everything in the past and move forward, and get our relationship back to the way it was, maybe even better.”

  “I don’t know if I can forgive my mom,” I state flatly.

  He squeezes me tighter. “Amy, what you decide about your mom is up to you, and I’ll support anything you choose, but why wouldn’t you try? I mean, saying you’ll try doesn’t guarantee that it’ll happen. All it means is that you want a relationship with your mom—that you want it enough that you’re willing to leave the past in the past and focus on the future the two of you can have together. And if things don’t work out, then at least you’ll be able to say that you tried.”

  My heart is still pounding away with nervousness and anger. I feel like I have a right to feel the way I do, but I also feel guilty. Here she is, after all these years of drinking, sober and begging for my forgiveness, and I can’t even put everything behind us and start over? I know that if even the slightest thing goes wrong, it could set her off again and make her slip. And I’m running away and refusing to give her the only thing she’s asked for? God, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like Ethan and just say, “I love you, Mom, and I forgive you”? Am I really that bad of a person? By not forgiving her, does that make me any better than she was when she was drinking herself to death?

  I take a deep breath and slowly let the air escape my lungs. “You’re right. I should’ve told her that I was proud of her and that I would work on our relationship instead of running away like a spoiled child.”

  Tyler lets out a loud laugh. “We really were made for each other.”

  A smile cracks from hearing his words, and I roll over in his arms, so I can gaze upon his gorgeous face. I place my hand on his jaw and look into his dark eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Tyler.” Slowly, I lean in, pressing my mouth to his.

  He kisses me gently and slowly, never taking—only giving. He pulls away and presses his lips to my forehead while his hands tangle in my hair, pulling my head against his chest. “I love you, Amy. You don’t even know what you mean to me,” he whispers into my hair.

  His body heat, his words, and his strong arms making me feel safe…it’s all so relaxing. I can’t help but close my eyes and revel in this moment. As my body warms, my heart and breathing slow, melting with the relaxation that’s taking over my body. Before I know it, I’m fast asleep.

  “Amy,” Tyler coos softly in my ear.

  “Hmm?” I mumble, still sleep-dazed as I roll over to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at me with a smile.

  “I have a surprise for you. Come on, get up!” He stands and pulls the blanket down my body.

  I sit up and he takes my hand, pulling me to my feet and out of the room. The sun is going down now, painting the sky with pinks and purples.

  “Where are we going?” I ask when he directs me out the screen door and over to his truck.

  He opens the passenger side door with a grin. “It’s a surprise.”

  I climb up and take my seat, watching as he closes my door and jogs around the front of the truck to his place beside me. With a twist of the key, the motor turns over and he shifts into drive.

  Instead of heading back toward the front of the property, he drives in deeper, down a trail with massive green trees on each side. The further into the forest we get, the darker it becomes, until I see a big clearing up ahead. It’s like the trees open as he pulls the truck to a stop.

  “We’re here,” he says, turning off the truck and swinging open his door.

  “Here where?” I ask, hesitantly opening my door.

  He meets me at the front of the truck and takes my hand, pulling me through the clearing.

  “Close your eyes,” he whispers, stepping up behind me and covering my eyes.

  I place my hands on his wrists, needing him for balance as I walk across the uneven earth.

  He walks me a few steps forward before he whispers in my ear. “Open your eyes.” He removes his hands.

  When I open my eyes, I find that we’re on an embankment. The sun is shining down between the trees, making the stream before me shine like a million diamonds. I turn to look at him, and that’s when I see the red-and-white checkered blanket on the ground, held down by a wicker basket.

  “I knew how stressed and upset you were. And I thought that getting away from people and surrounding myself with nature always seems to clear my head.” He smiles and shrugs. “I hope you weren’t expecting something better.�
� He pulls his eyes from mine while rubbing the back of his neck.

  I throw myself into his arms. “I love it! This is perfect.” I press my lips against his. “Thank you,” I whisper against them.

  “You’re welcome,” he says, pulling away as he places me on my feet.

  He takes my hand and pulls me over to the blanket where we both have a seat. Tyler opens the basket and begins pulling things out. First, a bottle of wine, which he opens then pours us both a glass. Without waiting, I take a big gulp, knowing I won’t be able to enjoy a glass of wine while taking a bubble bath now that my mom is home.

  Next, he pulls out a platter filled with fruit, veggies, and cheese.

  He laughs and shrugs. “Sorry I didn’t have time to prepare a whole meal. You were only asleep for an hour.”

  “It’s perfect, Tyler.” I reach over and snag a grape, popping it into my mouth. “Thank you.”

  He leans over and gives me a soft kiss.

  He places the tray between us and we both lie back on our sides, facing one another.

  “I know this is kind of cheesy, but this is my favorite spot. I love coming here just to listen to the water rippling, the trees blowing in the wind, and the animals scurrying nearby. It relaxes me—recharges me when I feel like life is moving too fast.” He looks over at me. “This is where I was when I decided that I did want to take this step forward with you, and I couldn’t be happier that I did. I was hoping that it would aid in your decision about your mom.”

  I take a sip of wine, then a deep breath. I listen to the water as it flows down the creek. I listen to the tree limbs blowing in the breeze, and I listen to my heart. This whole time, my heart has been telling me to move forward and repair this relationship. It’s my brain that’s been the problem.

  “I think I know what I’m going to do.”

  He looks over at me, dark eyes shining with the setting sun. “What?”

  “I’m going to work on fixing things between us.” I shrug. “Like you said, if it doesn’t work out, then it won’t be from lack of trying.”