One of Mackie’s urn, and her wedding rings sitting next to it. Rings he currently wore on a chain around his neck so he would never lose them.
He’d also saved several locks of Mackie’s hair and tucked them into an envelope, along with her hospital bracelet, and the one she wore matching her to Zee, and the ones he’d worn for them as well, and Zee’s bracelet.
After another round of tears, he logged out of her account and back into his own, where he approved the tagged post to appear on his profile, set to public. Then, partly hating himself that he didn’t have the restraint to not visit Connor’s profile, he did just that and closed his eyes to meditate on the man he hadn’t seen in an entire lifetime.
But also the man he still loved with the deepest, oldest parts of his soul.
Chapter Seven
Connor awakened alone in bed in his room at the Toucan a little after seven Sunday morning. In sleep, he’d ended up on the right side of the bed, and tried not to think about that.
About why he’d first started sleeping on that side, years ago.
Those thoughts would only lead to sad and hollow memories that would drag his brain down into bad, lonely places he couldn’t afford to revisit.
Rolling onto his back, he stared at the ceiling. Before this weekend, it’d been…well, months since he’d last gotten laid.
Since the last time he’d been able to have one of these weekends at the Toucan.
He knew he most likely wouldn’t get laid again until the next one, which would likely be several months away.
Dating wasn’t an option right now, unfortunately.
Sure, he could beat off in the shower every morning, but that was only one aspect of what he needed to be a healthy human.
What was missing was a long-term partner. If not a boyfriend, at least a trusted play partner who lived close enough they could get together for an hour or two here or there.
Or whom he could trust enough to invite over for dinner, or a beer and a couple of hours watching TV.
That wasn’t in the cards, though. He had no one in his life like that, no one he wanted to turn into a closer relationship.
Connor debated whether or not to cruise downstairs to see if anyone was up this early and willing to play. If it was worth the energy expenditure.
Then again, it probably will be a while before I get out again.
Thinking that, he climbed out of bed, used the bathroom and freshened up, and pulled on shorts. If nothing else, he could grab a cup of coffee from the restaurant downstairs.
* * * *
Thirty minutes later, Connor was back in his room, with a cup of coffee and a begging bottom who wore a chastity cage, wanted his ass spanked, and wouldn’t be allowed to come until he’d swallowed a load from Connor and had gotten spanked.
The guy’s Top had been down in the restaurant with the guy, and they weren’t married. Not even living together, just regular play partners.
Close enough to available for Connor’s tastes.
He soon had the guy’s ass reddened and striped with cane marks before putting him on his knees to fuck a load down his throat.
By nine, Connor was alone again and standing in the shower, his head tipped against the wall, eyes closed. With the end of the weekend closing in on him, he realized how…empty and cold it left him feeling when all was said and done.
Every play weekend left him feeling the same way, something he managed to forget until, here he was, going through it again.
There has to be more to life than this.
Hopefully, he’d find whatever that something was before he grew too old to enjoy it.
* * * *
After calling home for an update and to give them an ETA, Connor checked out of the Toucan by nine thirty and headed south over the Skyway. He stopped for brunch at a little family-owned place in Bradenton that he’d discovered a couple of years earlier, just off US 41, and scanned through a few work e-mails on his phone while he waited for his order. He wasn’t technically in sales, but he was kept in the loop because sometimes he handled sales. Plenty of times he’d actually talked service customers into trading in their luxury ride for a new one.
That meant if there were leads who were also service customers, he was given first crack at them. Over the last couple of years, that had especially helped his bottom line personally, when he’d actively hustled more in terms of sales because of Kayleigh.
It used to piss off some of the salesmen, but the dealership loved it. Connor had worked his way up from lot attendant to service manager since graduating high school, so the owners were going to back him over some salesman who might not even be there the next week.
Didn’t hurt that the customers loved him. Since Connor had worked there for over twenty years, some of his customers had literally watched him grow up, in a sense, and had faithfully used their dealership’s service department for their four-wheeled “babies” in no small part because they liked and trusted Connor.
Once Connor’s mushroom omelet and fruit arrived, he set his phone aside and tried to clear his mind. He’d desperately needed this weekend off, even more than he’d wanted to admit.
Thank god for Etsu, Niall, and Aden.
Those were three friends he felt beyond blessed to have in his life. They’d saved his sanity in more ways than one lately.
If he was still a praying kind of guy, he would offer one up for the blessings they were.
But he hadn’t been one of those in a long, long time. Not since he was a kid and he’d discovered there was no Heaven in the Church.
The only Heaven he’d ever found was in Douglas’ arms, and—again—that’d been a long time ago.
Unfortunately, like the other kind of Heaven, it was no longer accessible by him.
* * * *
Connor pulled into Niall’s driveway a little after eleven and headed up the walk. Their front door opened, Niall standing there and wearing an amused smile as a happily squealing little blonde streak in a pink sundress shot out the opening, down the walk, and nearly took out Connor’s kneecaps.
“Daddy!”
He scooped her up and swung her around before settling her on his hip and bussing a kiss against her cheek. “How’s my Princess?”
Okay, so Kayleigh was a little slice of Heaven in her own way, his personal miracle.
His reason for living now.
“Etsu and I made cookies!”
“Mmm, cookies.” He gave Niall a one-armed hug as he passed through the front door. “What kind of cookies?”
“Chocwate chip!”
“Oh, that sounds yummy.”
“Saved you some.”
“Well, thank you, Princess.” He set her down and she ran for the living room.
He found Etsu in the living room, where she hugged him. She already had Kayleigh’s stuff ready, her carseat sitting there. He’d left it with them in case they wanted to go somewhere with her.
I really need to buy a second one and just leave it here for them.
Aden had been stretched out on the couch and watching TV, but when Connor walked in he stood and gave him a hug.
“I really appreciate this, guys,” Connor said. “So much, you have no idea.”
“Good ‘business trip’?” Aden asked with a wink.
“Yeah.”
Of course he’d told his friends where he was going, in case something happened and they needed to get in contact with him. Hell, he’d met them through the Suncoast Society munches. The poly triad was kinky.
They’d encouraged him to take this “personal time” for himself. Niall had argued that he needed it, seconded by Doyle, another kinky friend who worked at the same facility Niall did, and who had also seen Connor professionally, for a while. Before the triad started watching Kayleigh, he’d simply told his other babysitter he was meeting friends visiting from out of town there without going into details about the Toucan beyond the bare minimum contact info they’d need if he didn’t answer his cell phone.
“No, sweetheart, it wasn’t that kind of work trip.” He hated the fib, but it was far easier than facing twenty questions over a child-friendly version of the truth with her.
“Oh.” She held up a plastic container and started shaking it, the cookies rattling inside. “Here’s your cookies, Daddy!”
“Thank you, Princess.” Smiling, he took it from her before she could completely obliterate them into dusty crumbs. “I appreciate it.”
She gave him that beaming smile, the one Connor knew would always wrap him around her fingers. “You’we welcome!”
“She already had lunch, but she hasn’t had a nap yet,” Etsu said. “So she’s pretty wound up right now.”
“That’s okay.” Connor leaned in and bussed another kiss against Kayleigh’s cheek, his heart warming at her giggle. “We need to hit the store and then we can go home and watch cartoons.”
“Cartoons!” Kayleigh squealed.
Niall patted Connor on the back. “Haven’t seen you at work for a while. Let me know if you need to come in and talk. I’ll tuck you into my schedule. We’ve got a new guy starting soon who will help free things up a bit.”
“Thanks. I…yeah.” It was nice having Niall back in the area, a kink-friendly ear to bend. He’d been talking to Doyle, but Doyle sometimes had to travel with his husband, and Connor wasn’t going to impose on the man by calling him on the road, even if Doyle had assured him he could do that.
Such as right now, Doyle was out of town. Once Niall had returned to Sarasota, Connor had started making regular appointments with him. Didn’t matter Connor wasn’t one of his addiction clients—Niall was a psychologist and a nonjudgmental ear.
And involved in the lifestyle.
Being a single dad was definitely not as easy as all the rom-coms made this shit look.
Wasn’t nearly as sexy, either.
Especially not for a single, gay, sadistic Dom in Sarasota, Florida.
* * * *
An hour later, Connor was pulling into his own driveway after having made a stop by Publix for groceries with Kayleigh. She loved to help, and he wanted to teach her as much as he could while she was still open to learning. Before she became a surly tween and he became a lame dad, in her eyes.
Grocery shopping, cooking, chores—she was his Princess, but he was raising her to be a self-rescuing princess.
And self-rescuing princesses, even three-year-olds, had chores.
He handed her the grocery bag holding two boxes of wheat macaroni elbow pasta. “Carry that inside, please, Princess.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
He always had the baggers put something she could easily carry—and not destroy, or drop on her foot and hurt herself with it—in a bag just for her.
Inside, he set the bags of canned goods on the floor next to the cabinet that held those, and Kayleigh immediately sat down and carefully started unpacking the bags.
She was actually getting better about matching things up, like soups with soups, vegetables together, things like that.
Although he still waited until after she was asleep to rearrange the cabinet so he could find things. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings or discourage her.
He didn’t realize he’d just been standing there, watching her, until she frowned at him. “You go, Daddy.” She held up a hand. “I got dis.”
Trying to stifle his laugh, he leaned in and gave her a high-five. “Of course you do, Princess.” He headed back outside to grab more stuff.
His toy bag was safely stowed in the trunk, where it would remain until he could sneak it inside after she was asleep later. Then he’d lock it in the plastic tub in his closet where he kept it. He’d already told Kayleigh the tub held “important papers,” which was why Daddy needed to keep them safe.
Since that was of zero interest to his toddler, he figured he had a couple of years to figure out the next excuse.
* * * *
Within an hour he had the groceries put away and some chores finished, and they were stretched out in the living room on his comfy sectional sofa. He had cued up the first DVD of The Flintstones cartoon series for them to watch, although they’d both probably fall asleep.
He longed to be able to share shows with her like Sailor Moon, or Cowboy Bebop, or Black Butler…but those were a few years away yet in terms of permitted viewing.
In fact, Connor had lengthy Crunchyroll and Funimation queues he longed to be able to share with her—one day.
Kayleigh also loved Peppa Pig and Blue’s Clues, but this show had been a staple of his childhood. He remembered countless hours watching these with his dad.
And with Douglas.
It was safe, fun, and he could have valuable conversations with her about some of the themes. He liked it when she yelled at Fred for being a jerk, and cheered for Wilma and Betty. He liked it that she sympathized with Barney.
Fuck anyone who thought it had no educational value. Dinosaurs made great front-end loaders.
Besides, like right now, she was asleep in only a few minutes, and frankly, he wasn’t far behind her. Napping on the couch in front of the TV with his little girl was a rare treat he wouldn’t get for too many more years.
He’d take all the sweet perfection he could hold close to his heart and treasure every minute of it.
Even if he knew his dreams might be plagued by nightmares, or, worse, sad memories of past days he could never revisit.
And after his weekend, he realized he needed all the normalcy and sweet memories he could store in his cold, empty, hollow heart.
Chapter Eight
Douglas pulled up in front of Niall’s house and parked on the street, not wanting to try to back the trailer out of their driveway later. He’d been looking forward to meeting the triad in person ever since Doyle introduced Douglas to Niall during a three-way Facebook Messenger chat a couple of weeks ago. That had led to Douglas talking to Niall on the phone several times, more to unburden himself as an overwhelmed new father and newly widowed husband than as just a friend. Although he hadn’t revealed everything about himself to Niall, either.
The triad walked outside and down the front lawn to greet Douglas when he climbed out of his SUV. After introductions, they all offered hugs, and the grimly kind look on Niall’s face nearly finished Douglas.
“Ye all right, then, Doug?”
“I’ll…live.” He forced a smile. “There isn’t any other option.”
Douglas opened the back door, and Etsu got a look at Zee.
“Oh, my god, she’s gorgeous!” If Zee hadn’t already been awake, Etsu’s delighted squeal would have done the trick.
“Thank you. Lucky for her, she looks like her mother and not me.”
Niall chuckled. “Unlucky for you, mate. If ye need help shooing the lads away when she’s older, just ask.”
“I’ll probably be taking you all up on that.”
Douglas removed her carrier from the carseat base to take her inside, along with her diaper bag, which probably contained way too many things for the relatively short amount of time she’d be with Etsu today.
Paranoid new father alert, yo. He’d own it.
In their living room he set the carrier on the floor, unfastened the harness, and carefully removed Zee, handing her over to Etsu, who was literally making grabby hands at him.
At least he’d have both Aden and Niall’s help unloading, which he felt grateful for now that a wave of exhaustion had swept over him. Twenty minutes later, Douglas was driving to the storage unit place with Niall and Aden following him in Niall’s car. Fortunately, Douglas hadn’t needed to go into great detail when asking if they could watch Zee for a couple of hours. He did need to go to the store and check out a couple of apartment complexes. That wasn’t a lie.
He just…omitted one errand he wanted to run.
This was also the location where he’d be turning in the rental trailer. After checking in at the storage facility’
s office and buying a new lock that would work on their doors, he punched in the newly minted gate code they gave him and they headed into the complex. He’d opted for an inside unit, climate-controlled, because of all his books.
When he unlocked the trailer and Aden and Niall got a look inside, Aden shook his head. “Wow. I thought you’d have a lot more than that. I figured this thing would be packed tight.”
“I downsized a lot. I…” He sighed as he stared at the remains of his life. “There’s some things I took into the hotel room, but I just couldn’t handle moving everything we had. We didn’t have a lot to start with. I’ve never needed a lot. And our apartment was really small. I only kept what I’d absolutely need or couldn’t part with. My furniture wasn’t expensive or fancy. I’ll start adding things, like from IKEA or thrift shops, as I need it. I have a bed and a table, and Zee’s crib…”
He didn’t know when he’d started crying, but Niall and Aden surrounded him, hugging him.
“There, there,” Niall gently soothed. “It’s all right. Let it out, Doug. This has been traumatic for ye.”
He sobbed on Niall’s shoulder and gave up trying to pull himself together. “It feels like all I’ve done is cry the last three weeks.”
“That’s understandable,” Niall said. “Are ye sure ye wish to start working this week? They said they’re fine if ye wish to wait a week to get settled. They’re not expectin’ ye to start tomorrow.”
“No.” He wiped at his eyes and shook his head. “I need to get back to work. I need the money, for starters. And I need to get out of my own head. The best thing for my sanity right now is to start work.”
“If ye’re certain.”
“I am.”
With the three of them working together, it took less than thirty minutes to empty the trailer, fill the small storage unit, and get the trailer turned in. Then the two men parted ways with Douglas.
Come in From the Cold Page 7