“I’m good. They warned me I’d be going through HR stuff and paperwork my first day. Why wait?”
“Ye know, Doug, we have a spare bedroom. We talked about it last night. Yer welcome to stay with us for a while. It’d make yer life a lot easier and would, frankly, set my mind a bit at ease about ye.”
“I appreciate that, but I’m imposing enough already.”
“You’re not imposing,” Etsu said as she scooped Zee from the carrier. “I’d do this even if you weren’t paying me.”
Niall glanced at her. “Love.” He touched his throat.
Douglas spotted her widened eyes before she turned and bolted, still holding Zee, down the hall.
But not before Douglas noticed she wore a leather collar.
She literally returned seconds later without it, but with a too-wide smile. “Sorry about that. Forgot to take care of something.”
She seemed so flustered by her slip that he let it pass as if he hadn’t noticed, but he made a mental note to himself to let Niall know later he wasn’t bothered by it.
It probably wouldn’t be appropriate to tell Niall’s submissive that, anyway. Even though the only BDSM experience he’d had was with Connor, he’d done a lot of research over the years, now able to put labels and names to things. He’d wanted to better serve his flock—and later, his patients—by knowing things, so he didn’t accidentally cause anyone harm with erroneous information.
He also didn’t want parishioners confessing things to him that they didn’t need to feel guilty over, either. Someone getting consensually kinky with their partner was not a sin, in his eyes.
Niall studied him for a long, quiet moment. “I have one to two thirty free today. I’ll grab us lunch and bring it back to me office, and we can chat while we eat, hmm? My treat. I insist.”
Douglas didn’t even try to argue. “Thank you.”
“Why don’t ye ride in with me today? No reason for ye to drive yerself. Then ye’ll know where to go tomorrow. Ye can leave yer keys here in case Etsu needs the carseat base.”
“I’ll leave the base for her, but I think I need to drive myself. I need to run some errands after work.”
“Well, the offer ride with me stands,” Niall said. “If ye ever wish to.”
“I appreciate that. For the next few days, though, I should probably get used to the drive, the routine. I need it.”
Another slow nod from Niall. “Very well, mate.”
* * * *
Doyle was out of town until early next week, so Douglas still didn’t get to meet him in person, although Doyle did call to check on him. From Doyle’s lack of surprise about finding him at work, Douglas strongly suspected Niall had already told Doyle he’d opted to start today.
By the time one o’clock rolled around, Douglas had felt damned proud of himself for not breaking down and crying in front of anyone at work.
Yet.
Hey, I’ll take the progress.
At least he had the legitimate excuse—Mackie.
Although he felt like a horrible husband for using his dead wife as a ready excuse in case he cried over the loss of his former lover and Master.
Niall toed up the doorstop that propped his office door open against the pneumatic arm closer and let it swing shut. On his desk sat two Publix bags, and he’d bought them bottles of water, sweet tea, and turkey and cheese deli subs.
They sat at the desk to eat, Niall behind it and Douglas in one of the chairs in front of it.
“Where do ye wish to start?” Niall said.
“Well, for starters, you don’t have to hide that you’re kinky from me. I might have been a priest, but I did have a life before and after the priesthood.”
Niall smirked. “Did ye already suspect before her collar malfunction this morning?”
“Yeah. I heard Aden call you ‘Sir’ yesterday.”
“Sorry about that. Of course, we won’t expose the wee one to any of that.”
“I’m sure you won’t.” A thought hit him. “Does that mean Doyle—”
Niall nodded. “Aye. Him and his boy, Mal. That’s how we first met. It was coincidental we were in the same line of work. It’s actually Doyle who pointed me toward this job. I was out in California for a few years, stupidly enough…”
By the time lunch ended, he knew Niall’s story with Aden—and Etsu—and Douglas had confessed everything to Niall.
Everything except Connor’s secret. And Mackie’s.
Those would remain with him forever.
But it did, at least, make him realize perhaps the way things had happened was for the best. He’d faced his fear, received his answer about Connor, and he’d started his new job. He no longer had any unresolved issues hanging over him to hold him back.
Now he could focus on his future, on trying to finally heal his heart, and on raising Zee.
On serving his new patients.
Even Niall had agreed perhaps it was for the best, although Douglas didn’t understand the puzzled expression the man had worn when he’d told him about stopping by to see Connor, and the reception he’d received.
I think I’m beginning to see, Lord, why You set me on this path. Thank You for bringing Niall into my life, and his family. And Doyle, of course. People who aren’t judgmental, and who are equipped to help me until I can walk on my own. One of these days, I’ll learn to trust You. Amen.
One day, although today wasn’t quite that day.
Not yet.
Not even close.
Chapter Ten
Connor slept like shit Sunday night because he couldn’t get Douglas out of his mind. On an average day he normally thought about him several times, easily. But in all his fantasies of Douglas returning and showing up on his doorstep, the man being married and a priest never even blipped in his brain.
Then Connor started his Monday morning by fighting Kayleigh for twenty minutes to get her dressed. Followed by her spilling her breakfast all over herself, forcing him to change her. Then she fell asleep on the sofa after half undressing herself during the ninety seconds he was in his bedroom frantically trying to finish getting himself ready.
Note to self, I should know better by now to have myself dressed first before waking her up.
This all meant he was running late. He finally wrapped a fleece throw around her, grabbed her bag and clothes, and carried her out to the car like that, strapping her into her carseat with the harness fastened over the makeshift Snuggie.
When she let out a soft snore that sounded more like a fifty-year-old man than a three-year-old little girl, Connor couldn’t help but smile.
Maybe that’s my million-dollar idea—easy-dress morning clothes for parents to wrap their feisty toddlers in.
He still couldn’t seem to get his head back where it belonged. Seeing Douglas yesterday had him totally…
Rattled.
That’s the word I want—rattled.
Because no way in hell was he going to let his heart go there.
Even though he’d kissed him.
All those years Connor never settled down, and he knew damn well it was because, in his heart, he never could get over Douglas.
Never gave up hope.
Guess I can get past that now.
Especially after the double-whammy of finding out Douglas had not only been a fucking priest, of all things, but was fucking married.
How does that fucking work, anyway?
Add to that he got caught in traffic behind an accident on US 41 and had to turn around and go a different way to reach Etsu’s house. Kayleigh was still asleep when they pulled into the driveway, and he did his best to keep her that way as he got her out of her carseat and carried her up to the front door.
Etsu met him at the door, holding a tiny baby against her shoulder.
“Sorry, I’m running late today.” He got a better look at the baby as he passed Etsu. “Um, wow. He’s tiny.”
“She.” Etsu smiled. “Three weeks old last Friday.”
“
Oh my—wait, what? Three weeks?”
“She was born small. Full-term, though. You just missed her dad.”
“Not judging, but she’s awfully young to be with a sitter, huh?”
Of course he was judging.
Then again, he’d sometimes needed to use a sitter for Kayleigh, too, in the early days. He’d been able to take her with him to work mostly, since he’d had an office, but once she was six months old, he’d found a permanent sitter.
Etsu wore a sad expression as she stared at the baby in her arms. “Her mom died a little after she was born. Not even a day. Father just moved here. Today’s his first day at his new job.”
A horrible wave of guilt swept through Connor for feeling judgmental. “Jesus. Poor guy.” He carried Kayleigh over to the couch and gently laid her down. “Sorry for the impromptu bathrobe. She went feral on me when I turned my back. I wrestled her into clothes twice and ran out of time and steam. Plus she fell asleep on me again and I really need to get moving.”
“No worries.”
He stopped and stared at the baby in Etsu’s arms. She was absolutely precious. He reached up, unable to stop himself, and brushed a finger along her tiny fingers, smiling when they closed around his.
He adored babies. “How do you guys know the dad?”
That wasn’t a question purely for curiosity, even if he was now officially going to be really late to work.
If someone was going to have regular contact with Kayleigh, he damn well wanted to know who the hell they were.
“Doyle knew him from college and found him a job down here, where he and Niall work. He’s a doctor. I mean, a psychologist doctor, like Niall. He’s living in a long-stay hotel right now until he rents an apartment.”
“That sucks.” But relief filled him. The guy had probably undergone an extensive background check for his job, meaning he was most likely safe around Kayleigh.
“Yeah. Doyle tried talking him into staying at their place, but I guess he doesn’t want to impose. Sir even offered to let them stay here until he can find a decent place. I guess his previous arrangement fell through yesterday, but he really didn’t want to talk about it. I got the impression it came as a shock to him, on top of everything else. He moved down here from the Milwaukee area because he had no family up there.”
Etsu looked into the baby’s face. “Poor guy’s heartbroken. No close family, lost his wife, and he’s a new dad, with a new job, in a new city.” She softly laughed. “Well, not totally new city. Apparently, he grew up down here, but he left for college and hasn’t been back since. Until now.”
The wave of gooseflesh rippling through Connor had him rubbing at his arms. It was on the tip of his tongue to offer to let the guy stay with him…except he’d never even met the man. Just because Niall and Doyle vouched for him didn’t mean he’d trust the guy living under the same roof as Kayleigh, psychologist and overwhelmed new father or not.
His own childhood had taught him that difficult lesson. No matter how well-regarded and highly vouched for someone was didn’t mean they weren’t a monster behind closed doors. If it hadn’t been for the fact that he’d known Niall, Aden, and Etsu through the Suncoast Society for years, he wouldn’t be trusting them, either. And he knew Doyle through there, too.
No way in fucking hell he’d let anyone new into his life or near his daughter without a full background check first.
No one except—
Well, that point is moot, now, right?
No matter how many nights he’d lain awake over the years and thought about him.
It could never be.
Not now.
* * * *
Late that afternoon, Douglas left work and, after stopping by one apartment complex to check it out and quickly strike it off his list due to no vacancies at a price he could afford, he headed to Niall’s house. He drove with the radio cranked as loud as he could tolerate it, the bass thumping through him as Three Days Grace roared through the speakers.
Gone were the days he could freely jam out while driving and clear his mind. Not with a baby on board. So he cherished these precious moments as the fleeting respite they were to help settle his brain.
I need to start working out again.
He hadn’t gone jogging or worked out since the day before Zee was born. He’d returned from his morning jog just to find Mackie’s water had broken. She’d insisted he grab a quick shower before they headed to the hospital, and…
He hadn’t worked out since.
He also tried not to think about himself and Mackie singing together at the top of their lungs as he drove, laughing as their voices cracked or they butchered the lyrics. It was still too freshly painful.
Especially painful when he thought about all the countless times he and Connor sang along together while in the car.
Maybe this was a huge mistake.
Sarasota had grown a lot in the years he’d been away. But he could still see places, street names, and think about what had been.
See the blue-eyed boy with the honey-colored hair who Douglas would always consider his soul-mate. The boy he would have followed into Hell and back without hesitation.
His first day at work had gone well. He’d spent the morning getting settled into his office, finalizing paperwork, familiarizing himself with their computer system, and spent the afternoon sitting in on group sessions with Niall and another counsellor, and getting to know his coworkers.
They would start him with group sessions first and work new individual clients into his schedule for one-on-one sessions over the next couple of weeks.
It was familiar work and a comfort.
He was helping.
It soothed him, in some ways.
Many ways.
Yeah, if he had to diagnose himself, he’d definitely agree he was self-medicating with his work. From work to being a dad, giving him little-to-no time to think about his losses.
He’d own it.
Today’s lunchtime talk with Niall had helped, though. Connor’s rejection was one more emotional wound striking deep and hard in his soul, but at least the blow had landed and now he could try to recover and heal from it. The uncertainty was over.
In its wake lay another layer of grief.
Connor was a father, maybe even meaning married. Nothing had been hinted at about that in his public Facebook postings, though.
It was a shock he still struggled to process.
When he pulled into their driveway, Niall wasn’t home yet but Aden was. Etsu already had the front door open for him when he walked up, Zee on her shoulder.
“How’d your first day go?” she asked as he took Zee from her.
He put on his Father Koenig mask and smiled because his troubles weren’t hers to bear. “Good. I’m glad I decided to do this. This was definitely the right call. Going to work today, I mean. I’m going to enjoy working there. How’d she do?”
“She slept most of the day. Kayleigh enjoyed staring at her, go figure.”
“Kayleigh?”
“Yeah. The other little girl I’m babysitting.” She pointed out the back windows where the girl was running around in the yard with Aden—
And Douglas’ heart almost stopped.
Holy shit.
If that wasn’t Connor’s daughter, he was St. Fucking Francis. “I-I’m glad everything went well.”
What the actual fuck?
And why hadn’t Niall said anything earlier? How could this not be obvious to the other man?
Apparently Etsu didn’t notice his fumble. “She just turned three. He’s going to put her in VPK next year, once she turns four. I’ve only been watching her for a couple of months now. His previous sitter had a stroke and can’t watch her anymore.” She shook her head. “Her mom’s in jail.”
His pulse skipped. “Jail?”
“Yeah. Drug charges, and her boyfriend was arrested, too. Drugs, parole violation, and outstanding warrants. Connor filed an emergency order and received full custody.”
<
br /> Well, that absolutely settled the question of the little girl’s identity. Now his heart didn’t know if it wanted to throb in his chest or stop dead still. “Yikes.”
“Exactly. The woman had shoulder surgery not long after Kayleigh was born. Then she got hooked on painkillers, and it quickly spiraled out of control. Kayleigh was only a couple of months old when her mom was arrested. Connor’s had full custody of her ever since, although he’s basically been taking care of her full-time ever since she was born. She signed away her parental rights to him in exchange for a cash payment, which went to her attorney, I guess. Didn’t help her, though. They had undercover video evidence of her and her boyfriend trying to sell drugs.”
He swallowed to form spit and hoped his voice didn’t sound as shaky as he felt. “Must suck for him to have an ex who—”
“Oh, she’s not Connor’s ex. They were good friends, for several years. I think they worked together. I never met her. She was single and wanted a baby, so she asked Connor if he’d…you know, donate. He was there for Kayleigh’s birth and everything. He’s been an active father Kayleigh’s whole life. He adores kids.”
Douglas processed that. “They weren’t in a relationship together?”
She snorted, but it sounded amused, not snarky. “Connor’s gay. Kayleigh was conceived via IVF. Oh, that’s not a secret, either. He’s totally up-front about all of that with everyone. In fact, he’s single. Doesn’t even date right now, poor guy.”
Fuck.
Me.
Douglas desperately shoved away the really stupid hope that maybe he could try approaching him again, even though Connor had made himself perfectly clear yesterday.
Except maybe Connor had jumped to the same damn erroneous conclusion he had.
He also realized he’d been playing with his wedding band with his left thumb. “That’s…wow. That’s rough. Poor guy.”
“Yeah.”
Etsu helped Douglas gather Zee’s things, and he’d just strapped Zee into her carrier when Kayleigh and Aden returned to the house.
Unfortunately, the toddler had a good memory. “Hey! Awen’t you’we my Daddy’s fwiend? You got de same eyes.”
Come in From the Cold Page 9