Etsu wore a sad smile. “He apparently went and had an early morning workout before he brought her here. He left about five minutes ago and was heading to work.”
“Ah. Sorry.”
She took Zee from him. “Why are you apologizing?”
“Because you’ve been nothing but kind and generous to me, barely knowing me, and I’ve brought drama into your lives.”
She snorted. “Yeah, you haven’t met my family, Doug. Believe me, this is nothing.” Her expression softened. “I hope the two of you can work things out and be together again. I know Connor strikes me as someone who’s very lonely, even though he tries not to show it.”
Douglas nodded but didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He kissed Zee’s head and turned to leave.
“If Aden and Niall could patch things up, then I know you two can. You’re both good men, you’re both fathers.”
He glanced back. “Yeah, but unfortunately I was the wrong kind of Father for Connor to ever forgive me.”
Chapter Fourteen
Connor still wasn’t sure why he hadn’t cancelled his appointment today.
Well, he was, but he wasn’t admitting it.
Maybe he subconsciously hoped to catch a glimpse of Douglas, even though Niall told him that Douglas’s office was in a different area.
Or, maybe not-so-subconsciously. This week had been busy as fuck at work—including today—and he’d pulled the dick move of using Kayleigh getting sick and having a doctor’s appointment as his excuse for leaving this morning and telling them he wasn’t sure if he’d be back this afternoon or not.
Okay, so they didn’t know he’d used Kayleigh as an excuse, and didn’t know he was being a dick, but he was being a dick by doing it.
So now Connor stood at Niall’s second-floor office window, looking down on the facility’s well-kept grounds. Despite the AC keeping the office cool, standing that close to the double-paned glass he could feel the late-morning heat trying to sneak its way in, soak through. Outside, large, mature live oaks dotted the facility’s campus, creating pools of shade in the already sweltering day.
Niall had just finished summarizing what Douglas had given him permission to share with Connor.
Had just dropped the emotional bomb on him that, yes, Douglas still considered himself Connor’s boy.
And that he always would.
“What the hell am I actually thinking about doing?” Connor muttered.
“Is that a rhetorical question?” Niall asked. Connor noticed how Niall tended to tone down and Americanize his Irish accent when in work mode, and it jarred Connor a little.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me Etsu was babysitting for him?”
“Because I didn’t know you two had a personal connection until Monday.”
He turned back to Niall, who still sat in one of the comfortable chairs they’d both occupied at the start of the session. “You knew on Monday and didn’t say anything to me then? Maybe a little hello, guess what?”
Niall gave him a smile and a shrug. “Confidentiality. If it’s any help, I didn’t tell him about you, either. He recognized Kayleigh when he picked Zee up on Monday. I was hoping to let you two bump into each other and then force you to sit down and talk. Maybe by parking your cars in so you couldn’t escape until I let you go.”
“A lifetime’s passed. I’m not the same kid ordering the guy he’s in love with to his knees and tying him up and spanking him.”
Niall’s gaze narrowed as he visibly struggled to hold back his snarky smile. “Am I mistaken, because I thought you did that in your free time anyway?”
“I’m a dad now. I’m not a teenager. I’m not…unattached. I have a little daughter. A weekend here and there at the Toucan isn’t a…a full-time D/s relationship.”
“So? I don’t understand the problem. Is he not also a father? I know his wee one sure acts like a baby. Etsu’s pretty astute about these things.”
He ignored his friend’s snark. “I can’t get past the fact that he became a fucking priest. All those years he wasted between us.”
“You longed for him all that time, no?”
“Uh, yeah. That’s kind of the whole point now. Why I’m…conflicted.”
“Then I don’t understand the problem. He wants you, you want him, and you’re both single.”
“He was a priest. He knew what happened to me as a kid, and knew why I had a problem with the whole Catholic thing, so he fucking doubles down on the pain he caused me by leaving and becomes a fucking priest? And never even tries to find me again?”
“He found you now. Are you more angry that he became a priest, or that he left you and never returned? That your mother died and then you truly felt alone?”
He glanced out the window again. “Yes.”
When he glanced back, Niall had arched an eyebrow. “It’s your money and your time. I’m here to listen as your friend or as a professional.” He shrugged. “Or both. I can multi-task.”
“Says the man with two spouses and no children, who can fuck whenever he wants,” Connor muttered to the glass, but intentionally loud enough Niall could hear.
“You could have a willing and fuckable spouse of your own, mate. I’m married, not blind. Doug is a handsome, eligible man who apparently still loves you very deeply. Never stopped loving you, from what I understand. Still considers himself yours. Despite the fact that you slammed a door in his face instead of hearing him out, asshole. What better fortune that he, too, is a single father now?
“He moved down here mostly to be near you. You think he couldn’t have found a better-paying job somewhere up there? Where he had friends and coworkers willing to help him out with Zee? Think again. Yeah, there was more than a bit of luck in him befriending Doyle, sure, and a job opening here at that time. But doesn’t that make it even more fateful that he came here and sought you out?”
Connor spent several minutes looking out the window, Niall waiting him out. “What if he leaves me again?”
“You want the Dom friend, or the counselor?”
Connor turned and glared at him. “Friend.”
Niall’s normal accent returned, but he dropped his volume to a harsh whisper.
“Ye bloody idiot, he’s proven he can keep a feckin’ vow, now, ain’t he? He was a priest for fifteen years and resigned before marryin’ her to protect her and a baby that wasn’t even his. And then, when he hits rock bottom, he stayed true to his vow to ye and came back, and ye shit all over ’im.
“And now yer sittin’ here in me office, whingin’ to me that ye don’t know what to do? Brilliant. Go claim yer boy, arsehole. That’s what ye do. If ye don’t, ye deserve to be alone, because ye’re too feckin’ stupid to have someone in yer life. Don’t stand there tellin’ me of all people I don’t know what ye’re goin’ through, because of anyone, I bloody well do. Perhaps Aden, Cris, and Tilly are the only three people who’d know even better than I do exactly what ye’re feelin’ right now.”
Niall stood, walked behind his desk, and logged into his laptop, apparently looking something up. “Stay here—I’ll be right back. Ye’re off the clock, by the by. This one’s on me.”
Connor returned to his chair he’d occupied and slumped into it as the office door swung shut behind Niall.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I do deserve to be alone.
A few minutes later, he was about to get up and leave when the office door opened again.
“Don’t either of ye come out until ye two’ve dealt wi’ this. Soddin’ ijits. Ye’ve got forty-five minutes before I need me office back. I might have blocked the time out hopin’ I could get ye two together in here. And ye’re welcome, by the by.”
Niall shoved Douglas through the doorway—not gently, either, because the man stumbled before he caught sight of Connor sitting there and pulled up short—and yanked the office door shut even against the soft cushion of the pneumatic arm.
/> Connor stood and stared at the other man as his pulse pounded. This was his boy—his. Looked like him now, even, with his face once again shaved, a fresh haircut.
Douglas’ gaze dropped to the floor and this time, as Connor studied him, he realized how…defeated the other man looked.
And he haaated how strongly that ripped at his own heart. How, knowing he’d put that look in his boy’s eyes—
Wait, what?
Connor realized he’d balled his hands into fists. He closed his eyes as he forced himself to relax his hands, straighten his fingers.
He was starting to believe maybe there actually was a literal Hell, because he was currently stuck squarely in the middle of it.
Connor eventually opened his eyes. “Why did you come?” Connor finally asked.
Douglas pointed at the door behind him. “Niall came and got me and said—”
“To Florida. Why did you fucking move back to Florida?”
Douglas wouldn’t look him in the eye. His gaze kept dropping to Connor’s feet. “I couldn’t stay in Milwaukee. I couldn’t afford it on my own, and without Mackie, I…”
Douglas shrugged, his eyes still downcast. “Doyle told me there was a job here. It paid more money. I didn’t have the energy to try to find something better up there. So I applied and I…” Douglas sighed, and it ripped a few more pages from Connor’s soul.
“I’m sorry I intruded on your life,” Douglas softly finished. “I shouldn’t have presumed you’d want to see me. I’ll find a new sitter for Zee so you don’t have contact with me. It’ll probably take me a couple of weeks, though. I’m sorry. I’ll do my best to avoid you so I don’t make you uncomfortable.”
All of this delivered without snark, without the slightest hint of sarcasm, and in the most defeated tone Connor ever laid ears on.
A tone that broke Connor’s heart and enraged him at the same time.
The old anger surged through Connor, threatening to take him along with it this time as he struggled to keep his hands relaxed and not ball them into fists again. “But why did you seek me out? I wasn’t good enough for you back then, but I’m good enough for you now? What, I’m your last option or something, now that your wife’s dead? Sure, that makes me feel great.”
Yeah, he was being a dick, and he knew it, but it was right there and needed answering.
“I’ve always loved you,” Douglas said. “I’m sorry I hurt you. If I could go back in time, I would tell the younger me to not be scared and to stay with you. But I won’t apologize for what I did as a priest. I helped people. I made a difference. I know I hurt you, and I know others have hurt you, but it wasn’t God who did it to you, and it wasn’t God who made them do it.”
Connor didn’t realize he’d moved. One second he was standing there, and the next he’d slammed Douglas against the wall next to the door, hard, pinned there, Connor’s hand around the other man’s throat and squeezing just enough to force Douglas to finally look him in the eye because Connor couldn’t stand the beat-dog vibe washing off him right now.
Or the fact that he knew he’d caused it.
“You didn’t live through what I lived through,” Connor hissed. “What that fucker did to me and dozens of others.” His own tears were a surprise, too, but Connor choked them back.
“You weren’t there at his fucking trial and holding my hand when I went home and puked every fucking night after listening to what happened to the others, and remembering what happened to me. They couldn’t prosecute him for what he did to me because too many years had passed and they didn’t have a strong enough case. But I sat there every fucking day to support the others. You weren’t there, and you should’ve been! You should’ve been there, with me, not beholden to the fucking enemy.”
“I called and reported him.”
A bitter laugh escaped Connor. “Fat lot of good that did, huh? They just moved him around to different parishes and—”
“I called the cops. I’m the one who triggered the investigation with law enforcement. I turned him in and gave them the evidence they needed to finally be able to prosecute him and track down the other victims.”
Chapter Fifteen
Connor blinked, stared at Douglas, tried to…process that bombshell. “What?”
“I tracked him down. I gave the detective your name, and others. As much as I could remember from what you told me and what I could find out from church records back then. They’d moved him out of Florida to an administrative position in Illinois, but he could still go out in public even though he wasn’t around kids as part of his official duties. You weren’t the first or last victim. He’d been a priest for over twenty years when you were in his parish. The diocese paid your mom fifty thousand dollars to go away, to move and not call the cops, and she wasn’t the only one.
“I went through the church records and found everywhere he’d been and turned over everything I could find out about him and everywhere he’d served. I made copies of everything the church had on him—reports, letters, complaints, bank records—and sent them to the detective I talked to. I reported it anonymously.”
Tears rolled down Douglas’ cheeks. “I was too scared to follow my heart, but I wanted to do something. Yes, I was running and hiding by becoming a priest. I do see that now and I’ll admit it. But I won’t apologize for it, because I helped take that fucker out so he couldn’t hurt anyone else and he would pay for what he did to you and the others.”
He licked his lips and finally seemed to force himself to stare Connor in the eyes. “I needed to make him to pay for what he did to you. I couldn’t wait for God’s judgment and had to make some of my own.”
Connor stared at him in shock. The detective never would tell him who reported all of it, what had kicked everything off. Connor had always thought it was because of some sort of privacy or evidentiary law.
Never did he imagine…
How could he? He’d had no idea.
Words escaped him, save one. “How?”
“When I graduated from the seminary and was ordained, I requested I be sent to that area, where he was at that time, and that allowed me to get close enough to find him and dig up the records. I lied and said I had family around there. I made friends and asked the right questions of the right people. I told those people the truth—that someone I loved very much had been hurt by the guy, and that he’d hurt others and would keep hurting kids until he was stopped.
“No one higher up knew it was me. The people who helped me wanted to see him taken out, too. I got myself assigned to postings where I could research him. I went so far as to break into a bishop’s filing cabinet one night when I was supposed to be helping with a research project for an informative process for the diocese for a beatification.
“Then, with the shakeup that followed in the wake of him being arrested and prosecuted, and the shuffling of personnel to start clearing people out, I was transferred again to be one of the replacements for a couple of priests and bishops who’d helped cover up his actions and were forced to retire or transfer. I spent my last ten years as a priest in a small church, an older parish. I was the only priest on staff there. They’d transferred that priest into another, larger parish to take over for the one that got moved out, and so on. I was a small fish in a small pond and thought I’d likely spend the rest of my career there, but at least I’d done that one thing. I was satisfied I’d accomplished something meaningful, even if no one could ever know about it.”
Connor couldn’t imagine his sweet boy breaking the speed limit, much less doing something like that. “You could have gotten in trouble!”
“I could’ve gotten excommunicated.” For the first time in over twenty years, he saw that cocky, playful smile. The one Connor had thought he’d never again see in his life.
A smile he’d missed like fucking hell.
“That wasn’t my first concern,” Douglas continued. “Fortunately, there was a big enough shakeup that it didn’t implicate me. They were too busy covering u
p other and far larger messes at that point. The evidence I handed over triggered multiple investigations in over a dozen legal jurisdictions. The people who knew what I did weren’t about to say anything because they knew he and the others had to go. They were too scared to do anything about it personally, or were too worried about upsetting someone in Rome and derailing their own careers, but they were willing to help cover my tracks. I never cared about becoming a bishop. All I wanted to do was be a parish priest and help people.”
Connor was still stuck on processing the fact that Douglas had done that for…him.
“Why did you take that risk?”
His smile faded. “Because I’ve never stopped being in love with you and I don’t know how. Didn’t want to stop loving you. I meant my vow to you.”
“Why didn’t you contact me when you did that?”
“Because I knew if I did, and if you asked me to come back, that I wasn’t strong enough to say no to you again. Or worse, that you’d tell me you hated me despite doing that. Or option number three, you would tell me you already had someone else in your life. It was easier to…”
Douglas sighed. “To hide. And then I didn’t have to feel guilty for jeopardizing our souls because I was too weak to say no. Although I know now that was an immature fear, an excuse.” His gaze flicked up before settling on Connor again. “I know now that the love I feel for you—that I’ve always felt for you—that came from God. He wouldn’t have brought us together if it was…bad. Just because Rome doesn’t like gays doesn’t mean God feels that way.”
The next thing Connor knew, he’d pulled Douglas into his arms and slanted his lips over his. Connor savored him, the kisses that had never tasted as sweet as they had when taking them from his guy’s lips.
“I never stopped loving you,” Connor mumbled without releasing him or ending their kiss.
“I’m so sorry I left you.”
Connor didn’t bother trying to hold back his tears. “I won’t let you go again.”
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