“And here are the rules.” Douglas wouldn’t back down or allow Connor to make any further concessions. He’d already made the biggest one by allowing this to happen in the first place.
Doyle jotted them down, nodding as Douglas listed the conditions. “Okay, that’s all fair and reasonable. I’ll coordinate with Niall about his schedule. I agree we should have him there, too.”
The week passed…stressfully. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Connor still dealt with deep stresses by getting snappish—with Douglas, not with Kayleigh—and needing space. Which Douglas gave him. The submissive hubby wanted to throw down with Karlie/Anna for putting his Master in that mood, making him worry, and the priest and psychologist had to hold him back.
Connor seemed to realize he was doing this, and would head out really early in the morning to go work out, leaving the girls in Douglas’ care. Then he’d hit the gym again after work, sometimes not returning home until just before Kayleigh’s bedtime. Douglas knew this was his coping mechanism because Connor had outright told him that a couple of weeks ago. Douglas had asked him why he’d gotten into working out in the first place, since neither of them had been fond of sports as kids.
It’d helped him cope with the anger, the stress. A focus.
With Douglas gone, the only “safe” release he’d had, the only trusted outlet. Much in the same way Douglas had turned to working out as a masochistic outlet.
Douglas didn’t push, didn’t accuse, didn’t try to manage him. Connor needed to do this in his way, and in his time. They didn’t tell Kayleigh what was going to happen, either. Douglas, Niall, and Doyle agreed it would be best for her, the least disruptive, to wait and tell her the day it was going to happen, right before the actual event.
Sunday evening, after Kayleigh was asleep in bed, Connor sought Douglas out where he was sitting on the living room couch, curled up on it with him, and laid his head in Douglas’ lap.
“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered. “I’m just so scared.”
Douglas sighed, relieved that Connor was finally opening up. He ran his fingers through Connor’s hair, rubbing his scalp the way he’d always loved, the way that had always soothed him.
“I know. But I have no reason to believe there will be a problem tomorrow.”
“What if she sees her and decides oh, now that she’s not a tiny baby anymore and less work, that she wants Kayleigh in her life?”
He stroked Connor’s hair. “I seriously doubt that will happen.”
“And you can’t tell me why.”
“I’ve told you too much. And, FYI, no fair pulling rank on me and flipping me into slave-space for that info you already got, either.”
The tiniest of smiles quirked the corners of Connor’s mouth. “Not apologizing for it.”
“I know you aren’t, asshole.”
Connor snickered. A little one, but, again, it gave Douglas hope.
“Just remember,” Douglas added, “this is my job. Do not, under any circumstances, let on that I revealed that much to you. We have better health insurance now than you did before. I know you were paying the bills on your own before I showed up, but give a fella his pride, huh?”
Connor felt for his hand, laced fingers with him, and pulled it to his lips to kiss it. “I love you, baby. So fucking much.”
“I love you, too.”
“Thank you for coming back.”
His grief over Mackie’s death hadn’t magically vanished now that he was with Connor, but he’d be lying if he denied marrying Connor hadn’t allowed him to compartmentalize things in a way that made it easy for him to dip out more manageable doses of grief on his own schedule.
He could…function.
“You’re stuck with me for life, Husband,” he softly said. “Just try getting rid of me.” He played with Connor’s hair.
Connor squeezed his hand hard and long, burying his face against Douglas’ stomach.
Douglas sat there, stroking Connor’s hair with his other hand as he watched TV and pretended Connor wasn’t crying.
Because in this case, he knew that’s exactly what Connor wanted.
* * * *
Douglas expected they would leave Zee with Etsu when Connor picked Kayleigh up early with the excuse that they were going to have lunch with Douglas.
But when Connor showed up at Douglas’ office fifteen minutes before he was expecting him, Connor still wore his sunglasses inside and had both Zee’s carrier and her diaper bag with him.
“Papa!” Kayleigh ran around Douglas’ desk and threw herself at him, almost nailing him in the nuts as she climbed into his lap, but Douglas was getting better about that, at least.
He caught her and sat her on his lap after kissing her cheek. “Hello, Princess.” He’d thought it might get confusing calling them both Princess, but Kayleigh had come up with her own nickname for Zee, besides Angel or Sunshine, that quickly stuck and made both men silently snicker—Rainbow.
“Because she bwightens up youw faces,” Kayleigh had said. “Wike a wainbow in de sky.”
Neither man could argue with her logic, or the truth in her words.
Out of the mouths of babes.
“Daddy said we’re goin’ to wunch.”
Connor remained darkly silent and left his sunglasses on, even as he removed Zee from her carrier and sat with her resting on a burp rag on his shoulder. Also answered Douglas’ silent question about whether or not he’d said anything to Kayleigh about today.
No help there. “We will, but there’s something we need to do first.”
“What?”
“You know how we talked about Mackie? Zee’s mommy?”
“Yeah. She’s in Heaven.”
“Right. Remember how you asked about your mommy?”
Kayleigh scowled. “She’s not a nice pehrson.”
“It’s not that she’s not nice, but…” He struggled how to phrase it and realized Connor would have to just suck it up, in this case. “She made bad choices. She broke the law. She’s not a bad person, but some people shouldn’t be parents, and she knows she shouldn’t be. But she wants to see you.”
Kayleigh crossed her arms over her chest and scowled, a miniature, female copy of Connor. “Why?”
He couldn’t admit why Anna wanted to see Kayleigh without admitting he’d breached patient confidentiality. “Because she’s out of jail and asked to see you.”
“Oh.” She looked over at Connor. “You know ’bout dis?”
Oh, Lord. If it wasn’t for the circumstances, Douglas would be laughing his ass off.
But there wasn’t a hint of humor in Connor’s expression. “I know, Princess.”
“You okay wi’ dis, Daddy?”
Holy shitballs.
Connor nodded. “I am. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. Or if you meet her and decide to leave, you can. Papa, Uncle Niall, and Uncle Doyle will all be there with you.”
“I don’t haf to go nowhere wit’ her?”
“No, sweetheart. You’re not going anywhere with her. This is the only time you’ll meet her. I wanted to give you the chance to see her, if you wanted.”
“She’s not my mommy. Mommies don’t do bad things.”
“Sometimes,” Douglas said, trying to regain control of this, “mommies make really bad mistakes. It’s okay to be angry over that.”
Kayleigh’s gaze narrowed, identical to how Connor sometimes looked at him. Douglas suddenly had a premonition that raised gooseflesh all over him, of an adult version of his daughter standing over a submissive and eyeing them.
Yep.
“I haf you and Daddy and Zee. I don’ need a mommy. I haf Etsu. I had Lana, but she got sick.”
“We told her she could see you for up to an hour. If you don’t want to see her that long, you don’t have to.”
“Why can’t Daddy go in?”
“Because Daddy won’t play nice,” Connor growled.
Kayleigh studied Connor for a moment before lo
oking back to Douglas. “Daddy’s not happy.”
“No, he’s not, sweetheart. I’m not exactly happy either.”
“Den why I got to do dis?”
He took a deep breath. “Sometimes, we do things because we’re given grace.”
“Wike a meal?”
“No, not like a meal.” He caught Connor’s grim smile and continued. “My religion teaches me that God is love, and God forgives people who are really sorry. As people, if we have a chance to be kind, even when we don’t have to, that’s giving grace to someone else. Choosing to be kind, even when there’s no benefit to ourselves.”
He was a little encouraged to see Connor’s expression ease just a bit, and he sniffled.
Still, sunglasses stayed on.
“So I sould be nice to her…because I can?”
“Because you don’t have to be, but being nice to her for a little while, and,” he quickly added, “since it’s safe to do so, because I’ll be there, is okay. If you want to.”
She chewed that over. “What about Zee?”
“Zee’s staying here with Daddy.”
“Where do I haf to go?”
“Doyle’s office is close by. There’s a room next to it.”
“Wight here?”
“Yes, right here in the building. Daddy will wait for us in Doyle’s office.”
“And Papa will have his phone on so I can hear what’s going on.”
He looked at Connor. Okay, that was a new and last-minute wrinkle, but he nodded. They could put speakerphone mode on, and Connor could mute his.
She finally nodded. “Okay. I suppose.” She frowned. “But we need to haf a tawk about dis wayter.”
Connor finally smiled, and even took off his sunglasses, revealing his red, puffy eyes. “Oh, we definitely will have a talk about this later, Princess,” Connor told her, even as his gaze met Douglas’. “Don’t worry.”
* * * *
Doyle let Douglas know when they had Anna in the conference room, and waited for them in his office while Niall sat with Anna.
Connor had left Zee’s carrier in Douglas’ office, opting to carry her in his arms. Douglas didn’t miss that she now wore her princess dress from the day of their wedding.
And Kayleigh was wearing hers too, he realized. Elsa from Frozen. He knew that now, knew that Connor had bought it for her a couple of months ago when she’d seen it. He might be a tough-ass Dom, but Daddy’s little Princess had him wrapped around her fingers. He must have changed them both before leaving Etsu’s.
And Connor was holding on to Zee, his security blanket, his other daughter.
The barely constrained fear in his husband’s face that he was about to lose Kayleigh wasn’t missed by Douglas.
Have faith in me, Husband. I won’t fail you.
Kayleigh asked Douglas to pick her up and carry her, and he thought maybe that was best.
“Where’s Unca Niwall?” she asked Doyle.
“He’s waiting for us. Ready?”
“No,” Kayleigh said while Douglas said, “Yes.”
She scowled at Douglas. “Daddy’s not happy.”
“It’s okay,” Connor said. He’d set Zee’s diaper bag down in a chair, but was hovering close to Doyle’s office door. They’d already connected the conference call, and Douglas had stowed his phone in his shirt pocket.
Connor kissed Kayleigh’s head. “Go on, then we’ll go eat lunch with Papa.” His gaze met Douglas’ for one last moment, his unspoken message clear.
Please don’t let me down, boy.
He sent a silent message back—I promise I won’t, Master.
Douglas followed Doyle out, Kayleigh in his arms. Nervous, Douglas watched the door to Doyle’s office swing fully shut behind them before Doyle arched his brow at him.
Douglas nodded and followed Doyle into the conference room.
Anna sat talking with Niall at the end of the table closest to the door. At the sight of Kayleigh, her eyes widened and she started crying, dabbing at her tears with a tissue.
Doyle took point. “Anna, this is Connor’s daughter, Kayleigh.”
“And Papa’s,” Kayleigh insisted, now clinging to Douglas’ neck and damn near choking him.
He shifted her on his hip, much the way Connor had shifted her on his hip that first Sunday, away from the threat, putting himself between Kayleigh and Anna.
Anna smiled. “I know. I heard Daddy got married.”
Douglas had seen less obvious reads from drag queens, the look up and down Kayleigh gave Anna, but she didn’t say anything.
Doyle tried again. “Anna wanted to spend a little time with you. She’s going to be moving soon.”
Whew. At least that got him off the hook for tattling. He suspected Connor was likely shedding relieved tears over that confirmation.
“I’m not goin’ wif you.”
Anna shook her head. “No, Kayleigh. You’re going to stay here with Daddy and Papa. I hear you have a little sister now.”
Aaaaand…they were off. Kayleigh was nothing if not an enthusiastic big sister. She started talking about Zee, and helping assemble her crib, and that she was going to help the men go through her old clothes and toys and find stuff for Zee, and—
Yeah.
Kayleigh didn’t make any motion to get down, so Douglas stood there holding her, and managed to catch Doyle’s eye and shoot him an amused look.
He barely nodded, returning his focus to Anna and Kayleigh.
After about twenty minutes, Douglas thought his arms were going to fall off, but Kayleigh finally asked to be set down. Instead of choosing a seat next to Anna, she climbed up into the one next to Niall and threw her arms around him in a hug.
“Hi, Unca Niwall.”
He hugged her back. “Hi, sweetheart.”
Anna’s smile looked painful to Douglas. He opted to remain standing, close enough to send a message and intervene, if necessary, but not hovering over Anna. Doyle, he noticed, also remained standing, arms crossed over his chest and positioned directly between Anna and the door.
Then Anna turned to Douglas. “May I give her something? I asked Doyle, and he said it would be up to you.”
Doyle leaned in and whispered into Douglas’ ear, “Picture album.”
Douglas nodded. “Okay.”
She’d had a small gift bag sitting on the floor under the table. Douglas hadn’t spotted it before. She set it on the table and slowly slid it over to Kayleigh. “This is for you.”
Douglas helped her take the photo album out. The album itself was a basic, cheap one, and many of the pictures were obviously taken with a low-quality phone or camera and then printed out at a drugstore.
But she’d written under all of them who the people were, or what the pictures represented, and, in some cases, when they were taken.
“You can’t come with me,” she said, “because I don’t have a lot of good people in my life. But I wanted you to have something for you to look back on. There’s some pictures of Daddy in there, too. Toward the back.”
Douglas helped her flip the pages, and, sure enough, there were some of Anna and a younger Connor. There were also some of Connor alone, a few taken while he’d been working on cars at the dealership, one of him in shorts and watching TV, another of him smiling and accepting some sort of award from a younger version of his boss. And a few others.
Pictures of her pregnant, her baby shower.
Connor shedding tears as he watched a sonogram tech with her hand on Anna’s very pregnant belly.
A very proud Connor holding newborn Kayleigh where Anna could see her.
Connor asleep on a sofa, no shirt on, infant Kayleigh asleep on his chest.
A picture so very much like his own it made Douglas’ heart ache. Even in this, separated by years and miles, their lives had echoed each other in so many unseen, unknown ways.
Kayleigh crooked her finger at Douglas, and he leaned in.
“Do I haf to say gwace now, too, Papa?”
He sn
orted. “No, sweetheart. That’s for meals. You can say thank you.”
She nodded and looked at Anna. “Tank you.”
“You’re welcome. I…” She grabbed a tissue. “Daddy and Papa love you very much. I love you, too, and I’m sorry I have to leave. I want you to know you have done nothing wrong. I’m really sorry that I can’t take care of you. But I’m sick, and did some things I shouldn’t have done. I just wanted to see you one more time before I move, because I have a feeling I’ll never see you again.”
“Do you wan’ a hug?”
Anna nodded. “If you’d like to give me one.”
Kayleigh got down and walked over to her and hugged her. “Do you want to take a pichur of me?”
Douglas was about to say hold up when the conference room door opened and there stood Connor, holding Zee.
Oh, fuckballs.
* * * *
It was the part about grace that did it. When Kayleigh asked Douglas that, and Connor thinking about what Douglas explained to her in his office only minutes earlier.
Grace.
What had been long lacking in his own life, feeling like he had none, wasn’t worthy of it, even after Kayleigh was born.
Grace.
“It’s okay,” Connor said, letting the door swing shut behind him. “Take a few pictures of them together, if Kayleigh wants to.”
Kayleigh nodded.
Karlie tearfully smiled. “Thanks, Connor.”
He nodded and shifted Zee on his shoulder. He kept his tone low and calm so Kayleigh didn’t catch on. “You can’t have her, Karlie. You promised me you’d never come back and take her away from me. That was the deal we made when I gave you the money.”
“I know. I’m not. I’m happy for you and Douglas. I’m going to be living close to my parents, and she should not be around them.”
Connor finally nodded. “Give Doyle your e-mail address, and I’ll send you pictures every so often. If you want them.”
“Thank you.”
Niall took the pictures for her with Karlie’s phone. Then Connor pulled his phone out and nudged Douglas with it after disconnecting the call. “Take a couple for Kayleigh, please.”
Douglas nodded and did it.
Come in From the Cold Page 29