Panic set in. My breathing stopped. All of a sudden, I wondered if I might pass out again.
‘OH MY GOD.’
The man held up his hands. ‘Hey, relax—it’s cool. You’re safe now. Just relax.’
But I would not relax. I had awoken in a spacecraft, after very nearly getting eaten to death, only to discover myself hurtling through space in what was for all intents and purposes a flying Winnebago. If there was ever a time to not relax, this was it.
On the other side of the glass, stars shot past like tiny diamonds. ‘AH!’
The man reached out and gripped my shoulders. He began to shake me like I was full of candy. ‘Listen, man! You need to get a hold of yourself. Now—tell me your name.’
‘BIF!’ I cleared my throat. ‘I mean, uh—Bif. My name’s Bif.’
‘Okay, Bif. Great.’ He released me and leaned back. ‘My name’s Dex Wexler; galaxy’s greatest detective. Pleasure to meet you.’
‘Where am I?!’
He saw where I was looking and scoffed. ‘Pretty sweet, huh?’ he said, patting the console. ‘Won her in a poker game. Got a couple Dicurian crystals under the hood. This baby can outrun an Allegiance Destroyer at only eighty percent full-thrust. I call her, “The Millennium Falcon”.’
‘You mean the ship from Star Wars?’
‘Oh, is that already taken?’ He frowned. ‘Damn. Well then, in that case, I guess I’ll just call her… Steve.’
‘And that other thing? The thing that tried to eat me? What was that?’
He laughed. ‘Oh—that. Yeah, I did a little digging around after you went sleepy-byes. Turns out that thing I squished was a Zurthula; a war breed. Pretty nasty race, if I do say so. I’m guessing the two of you weren’t exactly friends?’
‘He tried to eat my penis and testicles.’
He nodded thoughtfully. ‘Well, they’ll do that, all right. Anyway, I was passing by, got a bleep on the old radar, figured there might be some adventure going on down there worth participating in—that’s what I do, by the way. Adventures. Then I came down and squished the Zurthula. Which was totally on purpose, before you ask. You’re welcome.’
The taste of metal filled my mouth. All of a sudden, the walls felt too close.
Has anyone ever died from claustrophobia while hurtling through the vast recesses of space?
‘Well,’ I said, clearing my throat. ‘Thanks. For, uh… for that. But you can take me back now. I’m ready to go home.’
The man—Dex—shook his head. ‘No can-do I’m afraid, Biffy boy. I’m currently on my way to the planet Etaria to deliver an urgent message to the Council—all top secret, very hush-hush. It’s kind of a life or death deal. And I’m already running behind as it is, so…’ He went to say more, but then his eyes widened. He turned to me fully, his face all of a sudden full of excitement. Little did I know then, but it was a look I would come to know well. ‘Oh, hey, wait, this is perfect! You can be my sidekick!’
‘No, thank you.’
‘Come on—it’ll be great! Besides, it’s about time I took on an apprentice, somebody to take over the mantle of “galaxy’s greatest detective” after I’m gone. Think of all the adventures we’ll go on together, Bif!’ He raised his fists in the air, began to shake them wildly back and forth. ‘Man, this is going to be so fun! You wait, Bif. Just you wait.’
I tried very hard to keep from screaming. ‘Dex—Mr. Wexler. Please. I don’t want to be a sidekick. I just want to go home.’
But he wasn’t listening. He rubbed his perfect chin. ‘Although, can’t very well go around calling you “Bif”, now, can we? That’s not a very sidekick name.’ He clicked his fingers. ‘Oh, wait, I know! I shall call you, “Kato”.’
‘GODDAMN IT I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR SIDEKICK. AND WHY ARE YOU… I MEAN, ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN, OR—?!’
‘Am I human?’ He barked laughter. ‘Uh, duh—what gave it away?’ He must have seen the look of outright confusion on my face, because he squinted. ‘What, did you think Earth was the only place in the galaxy home to human life?’ He shook his head again. ‘Typical Earthlings; you think the entire universe revolves around you, don’t you? See, this is exactly why nobody ever visits you guys.’
‘But the way you talk. That thing, too. I mean, that was English. How are you—?’
He snorted. ‘Well, yeah, it is the universal language, after all. Really, I don’t know why you’re acting so surprised, Kato.’
‘OF COURSE I’M SURPRISED. AND STOP CALLING ME KATO.’
‘Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay, Kato. You’ll see.’
‘GODDAMNIT I SAID DON’T—’
I was interrupted by the sudden sound of a bison screaming.
Lights around the room began to flash. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Dex’s shrieked BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
‘WHAT’S THAT?!’ I said.
‘Alarm system. Looks like we’ve got company.’ He spun back around in his chair, began flicking switches. A moment later, a screen appeared in the space between us—some kind of hologram, though, like with the voice, I had absolutely zero idea where it was coming from. On the screen, two spindly looking ships were approaching at speed. Both had stripes running down them, strange markings on their sides that I took to be letters.
‘Damn,’ said Dex. ‘Highway Patrol.’
‘Highway patrol?! BUT WE’RE IN SPACE.’
‘This specific stretch of space we’re cruising along is know as the Intergalactic Highway, Bif. It’s where all trans-galactic travel occurs—hold up, they’re hailing us.’ He reached across to a mouthpiece hanging on the wall to his right before raising it to his lips. ‘Y-ello?’
THIS IS THE HIGHWAY PATROL screamed a voice from what, again, sounded like all around us. YOU HAVE EXACTLY THIRTY NIK-NARKS TO EXIT WARPSPEED BEFORE WE OPEN FIRE. THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. EXIT WARPSPEED NOW AND PREPARE TO BE BOARDED.
Dex let out a long sigh. ‘All right, Bif. Looks like they’re coming aboard. Once they get here, let me do all the talking. And whatever happens, don’t panic—I really can’t stress this enough.’
‘Panic? Why would I panic?’
‘Let’s just say there are some items on this ship that aren’t exactly “legal”…’
‘OH MY GOD.’
‘Relax. Just be cool. Everything will work out. You’ll see.’
There was another tense few moments as the Highway Patrol “docked”. Then, with an ear-piercing hiss, Steve’s door flopped open, and two serious-looking men entered.
Of course, I say “men”. One was small and green, head all huge and round like a puffer fish, with the kind of flimsy-looking body that made you wonder exactly how the thing walked without toppling over due to a high center of gravity. The other one, however, was tall and thin, and looked, impossibly, even less human than his companion—and not just because of the fact he had two heads. Though he did. Two heads. Yeah. Both wore uniforms the colour of washed-up seaweed, with lapels that stood upright and unmoving. On their heads sat caps made of what looked like shiny black plastic. They looked like space Nazis.
‘Who is the captain of this vessel?!’ demanded Two Head. His wafer-thin body wobbled furiously when he talked.
‘Uh, that’d be me,’ said Dex. He stepped forward and thrust out a hand. ‘Dex Wexler, galaxy’s greatest detective. Pleasure to meet you gentlemen.’ When nobody moved to shake it, he said, ‘Is, uh, there a problem?’
‘We’re on the lookout for a fugitive,’ said Fat Head. ‘A Zurthula, to be exact. He was last spotted in this quadrant not too long ago; perhaps you’ve seen him?’
Dex made a face like he was thinking—which, looking back now, I guess he was. ‘A Zurthula, you say? Hmm. Nope. Can’t say that I have.’
‘We have orders to investigate any ship in the area,’ Fat Head continued. ‘Mind if we take a look around?’
‘Not at all. Please, be my guest.’
They stepped fully into what I guessed would be Steve’s cargo area.
> Two Head’s gaze fell on me. ‘And might I ask who you are?’
Dex blinked. ‘Oh—how silly of me! This here’s my sidekick. His name is Kato.’
‘No, it isn’t,’ I said.
‘HAHAHA. Classic Kato. Always with the jokes. Such a character.’ He clapped his hands together. ‘Well then, gentlemen; shall we?’
Another terrifying few minutes followed as we walked around the ship, looking in room after room, our footfalls clunking heavily on the grated flooring. Nobody spoke—not even about the whole three-boobed doll. Either they were pretty commonplace in space, or the space Nazis were just as unwilling to notice its presence as I was.
Passing a small room I intuited instinctively to be a bathroom (no toilet, though—go figure), Dex cleared his throat. ‘So, this “Zurthula”—he was a pretty bad guy, huh?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Fat Head. ‘A serial offender. They say he killed and ate his entire family—from the sex organs up, if rumors are to be believed. Although, you know how people tend to exaggerate.’
‘HAHAHA. Yeah.’ He cleared his throat again. ‘So, if someone were to, say, squash him with a spaceship, they wouldn’t need to feel bad, right? Hypothetically speaking, of course.’
After a few more minutes of searching around the ship and no Zurthula, we finally returned to the cargo area.
Two Head put his hands on his hips and sighed. ‘Well. I’m convinced. This ship is clean. Thanks for your cooperation, gentlemen. We’ll be out of your hair now.’
‘So soon?’ said Dex. ‘Sure we can’t get you fellas anything to drink? Some Snoot, perhaps?’
‘Thanks—but we’re on a schedule.’ He turned to Fat Head stood beside him and nodded. ‘Come on, Carl. Let’s go.’
The two of them made for the off-ramp that was Steve’s floppy door, oddly shaped feet clunking and, as in Two Head’s case, at least, clicking. As they were approaching the doorway, Fat Head’s gaze settled on the half-eaten McMuffin-thing still lying on the crate. ‘Although, on second thoughts, I wouldn’t mind a bite of that Quipslif…’
He reached for it, but Dex quickly jumped in the way. ‘That’s, uh—that’s mine.’
‘Come on, now. We’re guests. Where are your manners?’ He tried to reach for it again, but Dex slapped his claw-hand away.
‘I said no. Get your own damn Quipslif.’
‘Oh, come on. No need to get nasty. Just a little bite—’
He snatched it from the crate.
Immediately, there was a ratcheting sound, before the wall behind us shot upwards, revealing another wall, this one lined with an assortment of different gizmos and gadgets. Some were small, barely bigger than your fist, whereas others were huge, and in some cases even the size of a small person. I didn’t need to ask what we were all looking at.
Weapons.
The two Highway Patrolmen paused, their faces going instantly slack.
Dex held up a finger. ‘Those aren’t mine.’
Some stuff happened after that. Almost immediately, we were tossed to the floor, where after a series of events occurred in which I was read what could be considered my Miranda rights, we were led from the ship, hands now tied firmly behind our backs.
As I’m sure you can imagine, things only got worse from there.
Part II
A Space Odyssey Like No Other
4
The following sequence of events transpired over the course of only a few hours, but felt like much longer.
Following our arrest by the Intergalactic Highway Patrol, we were quickly shipped off to another, larger vessel, where after a terrifying thirty minutes staring at a blank wall, we were finally called in for sentencing. Interestingly, the “courtroom” wasn’t too far detached from the ones back home. There were desks. Chairs. Some little impish creature sitting by the Bench, a sheet of paper in his hands, apparently taking notes.
As far as trials went, it was a real kangaroo court; in the sense that our fates were already well and truly decided before we’d so much as stepped foot inside the courtroom, but also in the sense that the “people” doing the sentencing were actual kangaroos—or their space equivalents, at least. And to think, only a few hours previous my biggest problem in life had been trying to figure out how to avoid getting surprise-baptized by Todd on my way to class.
Because that’s life in a nutshell: no matter how bad you think your life is, the universe will always find a way to make it suck more.
The transport ship’s feet hit the floor with a clang I felt in my very soul, making me want to puke for what I could have sworn was the fiftieth time. Through the tiny window I saw huge walls, comprised of what appeared to be thick stone, along with another material I didn’t recognize, but that looked like it would cut you to ribbons if you tried to touch it.
From across the space from me, Dex yawned. ‘Relax, Bif. I know things seem pretty dire now. But don’t sweat it. Everything will work itself out. You’ll see. You just have to have faith.’
It was six hours following our arrest back aboard Steve. We had traveled here almost immediately after leaving the “courthouse”, the creatures doing the sentencing clearly eager to be rid of us. Probably had a game of golf booked, or something. At this point, nothing would have surprised me.
I folded my arms and looked away. ‘Shut up. Don’t talk to me. This is all your fault.’
‘My fault?’
‘YES, YOUR FAULT! If you hadn’t kidnapped me, I wouldn’t have been on your ship when those Highway Patrol guys found your stash of illegal… whatevers, and I wouldn’t be sitting here now, with you.’ I took a shaky breath. ‘And who uses a half-eaten sandwich for a secret lever, anyway? I mean, are you stupid?’
‘Okay, first of all, its called a Quipslif,’ said Dex, holding up one cuffed hand. ‘And second of all, I didn’t “kidnap” you. Far as I knew, there were more of those guys on their way. What was I supposed to do, just leave you there to get eaten?’
‘YES!’
‘I get it. You’re angry. That’s fair.’
‘OF COURSE I’M ANGRY! I’M ABOUT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN SPACE JAIL BECAUSE OF YOU!’
‘You’re overreacting. This is just a… a speed bump. And besides, if you’re going to be my sidekick, you’re going to have to get used to these little detours, Bif. Cause—and not to be a downer here, or anything—but they happen pretty often. Surprisingly often, if I’m honest. It’s all part of the adventure.’
‘I AM NOT YOUR SIDEKICK. WE’RE DONE, DO YOU HEAR ME? THE SECOND WE’RE OUT OF HERE, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU OR YOUR STUPID PERFECT CHIN EVER AGAIN!’
I went to say more, but then a door was whizzing open.
‘Welcome to Ouebos Five, ladies!’ said a man in a full leather pantsuit (again, I say “man”, but you get the picture). ‘Home of the worst and most dangerous scum this side of the galaxy!’ He leaned in close and pressed a hand to the side of his mouth. Even through his face visor, I could tell he was grinning. ‘I hope you brought some ass cream, cause y’all bitches ’bout to get SHNORKED.’
Our hands bound tight, we were then led out onto a surface made of what looked to be sheer, jagged stone the colour of gun metal. It scuffed and grated under our feet as we walked. Curious, I lifted my shoe, surprised to find the entire underneath now coated a dirty gray-black. It was like we were walking on graphite. So that wasn’t strange at all.
There was yet another terrifying moment where we were forced to get changed, all while creatures of increasingly gross description watched, their faces emotionless as we went about shoving ourselves into our new clothes; essentially just a pair of orange jumpsuits with green stripes racing down the front of them.
Then, only a few short moments later, and now here we were, standing inside an open courtyard, packed chock-full with what looked to be the main alien from every b-movie sci-fi flick made over the past fifty years.
I saw scales. Horns. Tails. Creatures with long snouts boasting thick teeth that looked capable of biti
ng a man clean in two. A pale-looking creature with no discernable facial features stood over by the back, tall as a traffic light, a good portion of its body shiny and metallic, as if it were part robot—which, given all I’d seen so far, wasn’t entirely out of the question. And tentacles. So many tentacles. All clad in more of those awful orange and green jumpsuits.
My eyes locked with one of the creatures standing over by the back; some large, humanoid-looking thing, whose skin seemed to be in a perpetual state of melting off its body.
It winked at me with its one good eye and grinned.
Oh Jesus God no…
The huge stone doors shut behind us with a BOOM.
‘Well, Bif,’ said Dex. He let out a long sigh. ‘It’s been nice knowing you. So long. Have fun being somebody’s wife.’
‘You’re going?!’ I almost screamed. ‘But you can’t go!’
‘Um, yes I can. It’s like you said, Bif: “we’re not a team”. Ergo, your wellbeing is not my concern. Adios!’
He tried to walk away, but I grabbed his arm.
‘I WAS WRONG. WE ARE A TEAM.’
‘Are you sure, Bif? Cause honestly, I get the feeling you’re only saying that cause you don’t want to get raped.’
‘GET ME OUT OF HERE AND I PROMISE I WILL BE YOUR SIDEKICK.’
‘Yeah, I dunno…’
‘GODDAMN IT, DEX!’
‘Oh, all right.’ He bent down and touched his toes—stretching out limbs—before finally turning back to me. ‘Come on, partner; let’s blow this popcorn stand.’
‘How?’ I said. ‘Didn’t you see those walls? We’ll never be able to climb them.’ I looked over at the walls in question. Tall. So very tall. I ran my hands through my hair. ‘OH GOD WE’RE GOING TO BE HERE FOREVER!’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Bif. Besides, we can’t stay here forever—there’s no beer here.’
Before I could even consider replying to this, he suddenly rolled up the sleeve of his jumpsuit, tapping his forearm in a couple places until a little flap of skin snapped up, revealing a folded piece of paper.
Dan and Frankie Save the World Page 3