by Ruthi Kight
“I can’t believe I’ve never been here before.” I looked over at Brian and got caught in his gaze. His eyes were piercing, causing my breath to hitch. There was a tender look on his face, almost haunted. “Are you okay?”
He cleared his throat and looked away. “Yeah, I’m good. You okay?” He hadn’t looked back at me and I wondered if I had done something to upset him. Was he still upset about the text message?
“Thank you. For bringing me here. For not letting me stay home. For...everything.” He nodded his head, but didn’t look at me. I closed the distance between us, putting my hand on his bare arm. “Look, I don’t normally do the whole mushy stuff, but I want you to know that if you need to talk, I’m here. Okay?”
He glanced down at my hand on his arm, and then looked at my face. His eyes were glassy, holding back the emotions that I knew were right under the surface. “Thanks.” He turned away again, but this time I wouldn’t let him hide. I touched his jaw and gently pulled his face towards mine.
“Wanna go for a dip?”
“Not sure that would be a good idea.”
“Says who? There’s no one here but us.”
He rubbed his face and turned to face me. “You wantin’ to get naked with me Kitty? Cause neither of has a swim suit...” I could feel my face turning a deep shade of red as my imagination took control. I’m no slut, but I’ve seen my fair share of naked bodies. I could already picture his lean, muscular body, the moonlight shining down on him as the crystal clear water rivulets made their way from top to bottom.
I cleared my throat and looked away, hoping he hadn’t noticed my inability to speak and the full body blush that had taken over. “I, uh, hadn’t thought about that...but if you’re up for it, I’m game.” I didn’t dare look back at him. I couldn’t. I would kill to know what he was thinking in that moment. We were about to cross a line that friends don’t cross. I felt the sweat break out all over my body, my nerves screaming inside of my body, leaving me raw and blistered.
“As much as I would love to see what’s underneath that skirt, I think it would be better if we didn’t.” I turned to look at him and found him smiling, his dimples shining in the soft light.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I had just been turned down by Brian, of all people. The guy who knew every make-out spot in town and could probably have one named after him by now. I wanted to feel offended, but I couldn’t. He was right. “So, what’s on the agenda then?”
“No idea. Didn’t plan that far ahead.”
“We drove for an hour on a whim?” I smiled, the act one of pure freedom. He was one of those kind of people who lived by the seat of their pants.
“No, we drove for an hour ‘cause I wanted you all to myself.” A nervous laugh escaped and I clapped my hand over my mouth. “That. That right there. I couldn’t imagine sharing that with someone else.”
Chapter Ten
Brian
I watched the water cascading down, finding its target and causing a massive splash of foam and water. I felt a connection with The Falls, always had. I didn’t know if it was the act of flowing freely, or the fact that it took what it wanted without worrying about anything else, but I had always felt at ease here. I felt like I could relax and breathe, something that I hadn’t been able to do since...since that night.
I hadn’t meant to let my mind wander back in time. I hadn’t meant to let the past get in the way, but being there was like picking off a scab and letting my dirty fingers plunder within the muscles underneath. It hurt like hell, but having Katy here had a soothing effect. She was so innocent, and yet not. She was a conundrum that I had spent the better part of my life trying to figure out. And now that I was here, at The Falls, with her...I couldn’t keep my mind on the present. Figures.
“It’s getting late. Maybe we should head back?” she asked, glancing up at me from beneath her dark lashes. I didn’t want the night to be over yet. I had to think quick. What could I do, or say, that would keep her with me?
“Not afraid of the dark, are ya?”
“Nope...more like the big, bad wolf.” She laughed at her joke, but I felt the ice run through my veins.
“Is that what you think I am? The bad wolf?” I couldn’t laugh it off like she did. I needed to know. If that was what she thought of me, then I was screwed from the get go.
“Isn’t that what you want people to think?” She cocked her head at me, her mouth set in a hard line. “You aren’t exactly known for your acts of good will, ya know?”
My head jerked back and I felt like I had been physically punched. She really did think I was the bad guy. “You’re right. We should go.” I turned and walked away, not bothering to look back at her. I heard her sandals slap on the ground behind me as she ran to catch up, but I didn’t slow down. I couldn’t. Running away was sounding like a really good idea at the moment. I felt her small hand on my arm a few minutes later, but I didn’t slow down.
“Brian,” she panted. “Wait. What’s going on? What did I say?” She was out of breath and still talking. I abruptly came to a stop and faced her, causing her body to slam into mine. I pushed her away, putting some distance between our bodies.
“Is that what you really think of me?” I glared at her, never breaking eye contact. I wanted her to see the pain in my eyes. I wanted it to sink in that maybe, just maybe, she was wrong about me.
“What? No...I mean...shit, Brian. What do you want me to say? Have you actually listened to yourself at all? Ever since that night...” She stopped, her breath catching in her throat. I shook my head and backed up a few more steps, the grass tickling my bare ankles.
“What night, Kitty? Which one? There have been many shitty ones lately, so you’ll have to be more specific.”
“The night...your dad...the night of the party. When your dad died. You haven’t been the same since. I know it was hard-”
“You don’t know shit. Not a damn thing. What would you know about losing a parent? What would little Miss Perfect know about a guilty conscience? Not a damn thing, that’s what.” I could barely control the rage flowing through my body. I could feel it in the tips of my fingers as they curled in and out, never pausing.
“You’ve got to be shittin’ me!” she yelled. “Miss Perfect? Really? Obviously you don’t know shit about me if you think my life is perfect. My mother is a drunk who is barely conscious more than a few hours a day. My father is so fed up with her that he disappears for days on end! My brother...I don’t even know what to do with him anymore. I haven’t heard from him in months! Shit! But you’re right. My life is damn perfect.”
I stared at her as the tears fell down her cheeks, leaving a trail of pain in their wake. I made her relive that shit, just to make a point, and it turned out my point was invalid. Peachy. I took a step towards her but she scurried back, putting her hands out in front of her. “Kitty, I’m sor-”
“Don’t! Don’t you dare call me that again!” She stared at me, her eyes searching mine. “Take me home, please. I...I can’t do this anymore. Just take me home.” Her shoulders slumped and she walked around me, keeping a good distance between us. I ached to reach out and grab her. To pull her to my chest and breathe her in. I wanted to take her pain away. The pain that I had no idea was there. But I didn’t. I just followed her back to the truck and watched as she climbed in and slammed the door.
*****
With the windows down and the music blaring, I could almost pretend that I hadn’t just screwed up royally. Almost. I tried to keep my eyes on the road. I really did try, but I kept catching glimpses of her smooth skin out of the corner of my eye. The moon light was shining down on her legs, making them even more enticing.
I tried not to think about them, or how they would feel under the palms of my hands. I tried to think about anything other than her body. Quadratic equations. Mrs. Gumphrey, my wrinkly neighbor. Santa Claus. No matter what, I couldn’t stop my eyes from searching her out in the darkness. Frustrated, I slapped my hands down on the wheel.
My grip became so hard that my knuckles turned a shocking shade of white.
“Beatin’ up on the wheel won’t do you any good.” I looked over at her and saw a faint smile on her lips. I shook my head and ignored her comment. I wouldn’t let her get to me this time. “Look...I’m sorry-”
“Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Like hell I would let her say she was sorry for what she said. She had every right to scream at me. I was a total jackass back there.
“But I do. I shouldn’t have brought up what happened to your dad. I know that it’s a...sore topic with you. Chase used to tell me-”
“Chase? What the hell did my brother tell you?” I ground my teeth together as the rush of anger coursed through my body. “What the hell would he know about anything? With his perfect life and perfect friends...he doesn’t know shit.”
I looked over at her as I pulled off to the side of the road. I wanted her full attention this time. Neither of us could run out here in the middle of nowhere. We would both have to shut up and listen for once.
“Don’t say that, Brian. His life isn’t perfect. He’s been through hell too, ya know?” She wouldn’t look at me, her eyes glued to the front windshield.
“I don’t have much sympathy for him, so if that’s what you’re after, forget it. He sat there on his high horse, with the town feeling so sorry for him, when our dad died. He was such a tender soul.” I laughed, but it was full of anger. I was bitter as hell and it was time she knew why. “Do you have any idea what I went through? The pain that I dealt with? No. ‘Cause everyone was always focused on him.
“How sorry they were that he had to go through all of that. How bad they felt that I dragged him out to that party that night.” I ran my hands through my hair, unable to sit still as I spilled my soul to the only girl I had ever loved. “I caught the blame for the whole thing. And when I didn’t crumble, like he did, I was made out to be heartless and cold. No matter what I did, it was never right.”
I had to slow down. My heart was doing a polka dance in my ribcage. I could feel each beat as it slammed against my bones, the muscles desperate to control the spasms that racked my body. “The worst part? I never said a word. Not to him. Not to my mother. Not to anyone. I just let them all think what they wanted.”
The sound of her legs pulling away from the leather bench seat caught my attention. I watched as she inched closer to me, her eyes focused on my face. Her small hands pulled mine off of the wheel and dragged them to the small space between us.
“You can’t blame Chase for this. He has always worn his heart on his sleeve. You...you were always better at hiding it. I knew that...and I think everyone else did too.” Her thumb ran circles over the back of my hand, but nothing could soothe me. Not even her caress.
“I need to get you home.” I pulled my hand away from her touch and instantly felt the loneliness creep back in. We sped the rest of the way home, neither of us feeling the urge to fill the emptiness surrounding us. There was nothing left to say, anyway. She didn’t understand. I was a fool for thinking that she would.
*****
I pulled the truck to the end of her driveway and turned the lights off. I didn’t cut the engine though. I wanted it to be known that I wasn’t staying. There was no reason to stay. I didn’t even bother to turn the radio off as the soft sounds of Hunter Hayes filled the cab of the truck.
“One day you’ll learn that the world isn’t out to get you.” She whispered those final words before jumping out of the cab. With the slamming of the door, I felt my mood shift to black. I didn’t think it was possible to feel any shittier than I already did, but there you have it. With one simple sentence she had broken me, yet again.
When I got home I went straight to my room. I tried to be as quiet as possible so I didn’t alert Chase that I was home. He would want to know what happened with Katy, and at that point I couldn’t tell him ‘cause I sure as hell didn’t know. I began undressing, throwing my clothes in a pile on the floor.
“You sure you need another mess to clean up tonight?” His voice startled me. My heart was racing a mile a minute as I clutched at my chest. The grin on his face pissed me off even more. “Katy called. Wanna tell me what happened?”
I sat down on my bed and leaned forward. “If you’ve talked to her, then you already know. Or do you get some sick pleasure out of watching me suffer?”
“I get no pleasure from it, actually. In fact, it pisses me off.” He walked over to me and sat down. “Shit, Brian. Katy’s a good person. She doesn’t deserve this, especially not from you.”
I ran my hand through my hair and leaned back on the bed, my body finally releasing some of the tension that had been building all night. “I’m not stupid. She’s better than I deserve, that’s for sure.”
“We finally agree on something.” I looked over at him and found him smiling. Lucky for him, I knew his sense of humor, or he’d have been flat on his back on the floor by now. “Look, do you like her?”
“Yeah, I do. A lot.”
“Then stop screwing up. She’s there. She’s available. Time to stop letting what everyone else thinks of you stop you from getting what you want. If Katy’s what you want, go for it.” He stood up and put his hands down by his side, his fists balled into fists. “But you gotta stop messing around with Jenn. She’s nothing but trouble.”
I laughed. A loud guffaw escaped my lips before I knew what happened. I sat up and faced him. “Seriously? Do you even know her?” He just stared at me, his face hard and unmoving. “Jenn is a lot of things, but trouble...I don’t think so. She’s got issues, sure. And yeah, she tried to screw shit up with you and Roxie. But...you don’t know her like I do. She’s...lost.”
“So...you’re gonna keep seeing Jenn?” He squared his shoulders, his stance becoming rigid.
“Not like that, no. But as friends...yeah, I am. We’re friends. Sometimes with benefits.” A look of disgust floated across his face, making me laugh again. “Don’t be such a prude. We grew up together. It’s not like we’re both out there humping anything we can find. Shit...”
“You’re gonna have to explain that to Katy. And Jenn. They both deserve to know what’s going on.” He turned and walked to my bedroom door. He opened it and then turned to face me once again. “If you don’t have the balls to say something to both of them, then you don’t deserve either of them.”
He walked out, leaving me even more confused than I was before he arrived. Was he actually encouraging me to go after Katy? The girl who had followed him around like a little puppy since we were kids? The girl who could have been the leader of the Chase Fan Club? I’m not stupid, not by a long shot. I know that she probably still had feelings for Chase. You don’t get over someone that quickly and that easily. But how the hell would I figure out if she could ever feel that way about me? I couldn’t just ask her. No, that wasn’t my style.
Then there was the issue of Jenn. We had an understanding. As long as both of us were single, we could mess around and not worry about what the other was doing behind our backs. But now? Would she understand when I told her that I was no longer on the market? It was less than a week ago that I told her I had sworn off relationships. And now I was willing to jump right in with Katy ‘cause she was finally “available?”
I shook my head and tried to clear my addled brain. I had to talk to both of them. I had no choice but to face each of them, on their own turf. I knew what I would have to do...but doing it was something else altogether.
Chapter Eleven
Katy
I spent last night staring at the ceiling. After Brian dropped me off, my heart and mind were a complete mess. My head was telling me to run as fast as I could. That he was no good for me. But my heart was screaming at me, begging me to open my eyes and see him for who he truly was. The war raging inside of me was too much. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was the sign that I needed. If my body couldn’t agree on the answer, then it was probably a bad idea. Right?
&nbs
p; I knew what I had to do this morning. I needed to talk to him. I needed to figure out what was going on, if anything at all. I spent the first half of my morning talking myself up, determined that I could walk right up to him and demand an answer. Then the other half was spent questioning whether or not it was a mistake. What if I made a total ass out of myself? What if he didn’t feel anything for me? Could I live with the knowledge that I had just ruined a friendship?
A call from Roxie that afternoon gave me the answer that I needed.
“Should I go over there? I mean, what if he...I don’t know...is just messing with me?” I asked.
“If I could smack you right now, I would. You’ve known him forever. Sure, he doesn’t have a great track record with girls. But do you really think he would do something like that to you?” She had a point. The smug tone in her voice told me that she knew she did as well. “Come on Katy. Don’t make me come over there and give you a swift kick in the rear.”
I stared at the mirror hanging above my dresser. There, taped to the glass, was a picture of Brian and Chase from years ago. I remembered when it had been taken. It was before my family began to crumble. “Fine. I’ll go over there. But if this goes bad, I’m blaming you.” She laughed and I couldn’t help joining her.
“Do what you have to do. But I know this is the right thing to do. You won’t get anywhere until you put yourself out there.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I took a final glance at the mirror before moving to the window. “I’ve been meaning to ask, how are things going with your parents?” With everything that had been going on, I had completely forgotten about why I had been at the farm.