“Lucas, you may feel like that is what you would be doing. However, in situations like this…” She motions toward the building with her head. “You’re a little brother mourning his sister. It’s okay if you cry.” She rubs small circles on the backs of my hands. All this love stuff is new to me, and I never thought I could care for her more. Yet, somehow I do, and what I feel for her right now could stop my world from turning on its axis.
“I love you, Cassandra.” I place a swift kiss on the top of her head as she squeezes my hands.
“Me too.” She reaches for the knob once again, but hesitates. “Lucas?”
I turn my head in her direction. “Yeah?”
“You do know you can call me Cass, right?”
“Well, now I do. You told me to call you ‘Cassandra.’” She leans her head to the side.
“When?”
I cough, feeling emotional but unable to keep myself from saying the words, “The moment I knew my heart belonged to you.” She arches her brows and breathes out heavily. “When I told you I liked the way your name sounded coming out of my mouth.”
Her cheeks turn a light pink color, and she mouths, “Oh.”
“That same day I could see in your eyes that you wanted me, too.”
“You could not.” She nudges me with her shoulder as her cheeks return to their normal color.
“Shit, I could tell on Dartanya’s birthday we were both thinking the same thing.” She shakes her head while smiling.
“You were thinking you’re an egotistical asshole, too?” She moves her shoulders from side to side, teasing me. This brings a genuine smile to my face. All I can do is shake my head in astonishment while she continues, “Well, at least we agree on that fact,” She lifts my hand to her mouth and places a soft kiss on the back. “I love you, Lucas.”
After opening the door, I pull her along behind me. With each step, the distance between my sister’s casket and me is dwindling, but I think I’ll be able to stay somewhat calm as long as I have Cass with me.
I keep my vision away from where Amelia rests, unwilling to face the reality of her lying there just yet. The first thing I see is Felix rocking slightly back and forth while sitting in the front row, and I wonder where Arya is, because she isn’t with him. My eyes dart across the entire room, searching for her. A sickening feeling of panic washes through my body when I can’t find her. My grip tightens on Cass’ fingers, and she returns the gesture. Tiny droplets of perspiration begin to form inside my palm, and I’m finding it difficult to swallow. Our eyes meet, and she motions her head toward Felix.
My pulse quickens, and I can’t move quickly enough to find Arya. What if something is wrong? Being in such a hurry, I practically pull Cass along with me to see what she is trying to show me. She doesn’t complain as she quickens her pace to match mine.
Felix puts one finger in front of his mouth and looks down at Arya. She is safe, sleeping in his arms while soft noises leave her mouth. Instantly, my heart feels like it is back in my chest where it should be. I swallow hard and take a seat beside Felix. Cass sits in the chair next to me, crossing her legs and bouncing the one on top.
She slides a tissue into my hand, making me aware of the tears sliding down my cheek. After wiping away the bastards, I shamefully stuff the white piece of cotton into my shirt pocket. Everything appears hazy and in slow motion. People stop to pay their respects, but I don’t hear a word they say. The only things on which I can concentrate are Cass’ hand in mine and this damn depressing music. It sounds like someone put a cat inside an accordion, and it’s trying to escape.
The music stops, bringing me back to reality. I didn’t need to look up at the casket to know what it looked like. Amelia picked it out months ago. Knowing what it looks like doesn’t stop me from looking at the last place I will ever see my sister’s body. My eyes slowly float from the floor to the ivory case.
When I try to stand, my legs feel weak. Cass drops my hand and puts her arm around my back to steady me. Neither of us speaks. I can hear people whispering, but I don’t listen. Nothing they say will change this situation. So, why bother listening? Everyone here is grieving, just as I am. There are no words that will bring her back.
A small hand loops around my pinkie, and I look down at Arya. The peace across her face grounds me, but I’m unsure how at six she can handle this better than I can.
“Luke,” she whispers, and for the first time, I want to hear what someone here is saying. “It’s okay, remember?” She smiles, revealing she lost one of her front teeth. “Mommy said she had to go to Heaven to get her wings, so she could fly with the rest of God’s angels.” She shrugs her shoulders. “She said it wouldn’t be fair to stay here with wings, because it would make everyone jealous.” She pulls at my hand. “Come along, now.” She eagerly pulls at my finger, urging me forward.
Felix lifts Arya from the ground, and she lets go of my finger. They both lean down to kiss Amelia, and then Arya nods at me. Cass rubs circles onto my back with her hand, just like Amelia did when I got upset. We take the last few steps to her, and I can’t take my eyes away from her face. Although, I know it’s her, I refuse to accept this painted face belongs to her. She does look beautiful, but she isn’t moving, isn’t breathing. I want to lift her from this satin deathbed and tell her to wake up. The joke is over. Yet, the unsettling truth is, this isn’t a joke. She isn’t going to wake up, not now, not ever.
All my flesh feels like it’s on fire, and the room begins to spin. I rub my hand up and down my face, trying to feel something. Fuck, feeling anything at this point would be nice. I feel nothing. I’m numb. My vision tunnels to Amelia’s cold, lifeless body and spots of black appear sporadically when I blink my eyes.
Cass begins dragging me backward, and then before I know it, we’re outside. “Hey,” she says in an urgent tone and pushes me against the cold wall. “Lucas?” She cups my face in her hands and stares at me. Once our eyes meet, I snap out of it, and I feel like a dick. She looks terrified.
“Huh?” I mumble, slowly blinking my eyes. “I’m okay. Sorry.” I rub the back of my neck. “I’m good, really. I promise.”
“Fuck, I suck at this.” Her voice cracks, and I can tell she is fighting back tears. The anger seeps from each word that passes through her lips. She releases a slow breath and then grasps the necklace I gave her. She closes her eyes and tilts her head back. Slowly, she speaks each word, “I’m trying, Lucas.”
The first time I saw Cass, my mind couldn’t fathom how much we would mean to each other and definitely not that we would need each other. Yet, here we both stand on the verge of a mental breakdown. The only thing that is keeping us from jumping off the ledge is one another, and somehow knowing this comforts me.
“Did you forget to count fifty?” I try my best to lighten the mood by joking around. She opens her eyes and cocks her head to the side.
“Excuse me?” She profoundly looks at me, almost as if she is daring me to answer.
A raspy chuckle manages to make its way from my mouth, despite me trying not to laugh at her.
“What the hell is so funny?” She throws her hands up into the air. I use my legs to push off the cold slate and wrap my arms around her neck.
“You’re so damn cute. That’s what.” She wiggles around, trying to get out of my hold, but I tighten my arms around her body and pull her against me.
“Cricket, I knew you were counting. You do it when you’re overwhelmed.” The tension leaves her body, and she places her arms around my waist.
“Just for your information, Mr. Know-It-All, I never count the number fifty.” A faint smile begins to pull at the corners of her mouth.
“Love, I don’t give a shit what you count, as long as you count me in.” After winking, I kiss the tip of her nose and watch the blood pool in her cheeks.
Playfully, she jabs me in the ribs. “You’re nothing but a da…” She pauses and licks her lips. “Ham Yankee.” We both laugh in unison, until she starts snorting. She
then covers her face.
“Why do you try to hide your beauty?” I pry her hands from her face and hold her wrists in my hands.
“I hate that I slaugh. I mean, snort when I laugh.” She chews on her bottom lip.
“I love it. Anybody can laugh, but you…” I release her wrists to scratch my head, trying to remember the word she used. “Slaugh. Now, that takes some talent.” I wink at her.
“I’m glad someone does.”
“Not just someone. I’m Lucas ‘Da Lady Killah’ Daniels.” She rolls her eyes and snorts.
“Don’t remind me,” she whines. “Besides, you’re not that to me. You’re Lucas, the man I love.”
Just as I’m about to open my mouth to talk, JD walks around the corner and flips his cigarette butt into the ashtray. “Damn, if I would have known it was gonna get so deep out here, I would have worn my boots.” His teeth glimmer in the sun as he gives us a shit-eating grin. Leisurely, he strolls past us and opens the door. “Y’all going inside?”
I exhale more loudly than necessary and then look at Cass. “Guess we should.” She nods, and the three of us return.
As we take our seats, a familiar sound begins to fill the room. A recording of Amelia playing the violin. The notes float from the speakers and pull at the strings of my aching heart. Amelia had many passions, but the one that always mesmerized me the most was her ability to play any instrument she touched. When we were little, she practiced an old beat-up fiddle all evening, trying to perfect each stroke of the bow. At first, the sounds coming from her room sounded like the Penguin’s laugh from Batman. However, by the time Amelia went away to college, I sat outside her room and listened to the beauty she created. Sometimes, I wondered if she only played for me.
I close my eyes and imagine leaning against her bedroom door, and it brings a smile to my face. I don’t open my eyes until her song ends, and my lids are wet with a mixture of emotions. A part of my soul will soon be six feet under, never seeing the sun’s beauty again.
Another part is just awakening with Cass. A tiny sliver of life I had thought passed me up. I don’t know how God saw fit to give her to me, but I’m glad she is here. I don’t think I could have handled this on my own. No, that’s wrong. I know I couldn’t have.
Cass sniffs as the lights dim and a video plays. It’s Amelia singing “You Are My Sunshine” to Arya while rocking her right after birth. I take Cass’ hand in mine and hold it tightly. Arya smiles and begins softly singing along with the recording. Her voice wavers at the end, and one tiny droplet of sorrow trails down her cheek. Instead of wiping it away, she wears it proudly and smiles in my direction.
“Luke.” She puts her hand upon my knee.
“Yeah, sweetheart?” Her courage and strength floor me.
“It’s okay to cry.” She pats my leg so lightly that if I didn’t see her doing it, I wouldn’t know she was.
“It certainly is, Arya.” I pull her up onto my lap, and she lays her head upon my chest. Muffled whimpers escape her as I rock her. She reaches out to Cass, and then Arya scoots from my arms to Cass’. Arya clings to her so tightly her knuckles turn white. Cass begins to hum the same tune she had in my car before falling asleep. I wonder what this song is and what it means to her. Cass softly runs her hand over Arya’s head and then whispers something to her, which makes Arya’s frown ease into a soft smile.
The lights come back on, and the preacher asks everyone to bow their head in prayer. I’m not what you would call a religious person. I don’t even remember the last time I prayed. Despite this, I hang my head and say a silent prayer. I ask for Arya to be safe and plead for the strength to make it through this. Before raising my head, I remember to thank God for Cass. When I open my eyes, she is staring at me.
“What?” I quietly ask her, trying not to be noticed by anyone.
“Nothing….” Her cheeks flush. “I love you. That’s all.” Only five simple words, but what she didn’t say, I understand. Even when life crashes like the waves of the mighty Pacific, she would stand in the middle of the ocean with me.
“I love you more.” My lips tingle and feel cold after they leave her cheek until she looks at me through her lashes. That look does me in, sets my heart pounding with feelings I’m no longer afraid to give voice to. If I didn’t know it is impossible, I would swear she can hear each thudding beat of my heart. We sit in silence, gazing at each other as time and life pass us by.
The commotion of everyone shuffling in their seats brings me back down to the here and now—the day I’ll have a hand in locking away my sister into the bowels of the earth for eternity.
Nate approaches me and clears his throat. “Little Bro, I guess we have to get her to the hearse.”
My muscles quiver, and the emptiness I feel tugs at my sanity. I nod my head in silence, but I can’t move. Apparently, my body didn’t get the memo that this has to be done. I lunge forward and straighten my back, forcing myself to do it anyway. It feels like an army of ants is crawling on my skin. I run my hands up and down my arms to rid myself of them, but the sensation only worsens.
Nate and JD put my arms over their shoulders and support my weight. Felix takes Arya from Cass, and immediately Dartanya swings her arm around Cass’ neck. “I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a stiff one right about now,” Dartanya jokes, kissing her cheek.
Nate looks back at her. “Offer still stands, Abby. Give me a date and time, and I’ll show you one.” Dartanya blushes.
Arya rouses from Felix’s arms. “A stiff what, Uncle Nate?”
“Uh.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “A stiff piece of wood.” The expression on his face is pure terror as he speaks. Arya scrunches up her nose and sticks out her lips.
“You’re certainly worse than Luke. At least he licks girls he likes.” Her innocence causes all of us to erupt in laughter.
Chapter 17
Serenity can be found in the most simplistic things
Take a monarch, small yet alluring
Whimsical floating caused by each fluttering
Soaring through constellations and bypassing the rain
A feeling of calmness, no heartache, no pain
I have found my tranquility upon the span of its wings.
Cassandra
My mind is going in fifty different ways while I am holding Arya. I don’t know how to act around kids. It’s hard for me to connect with people in general, much less console them in their time of need. Supporting Lucas is one thing because he’s an adult, but Arya is just a baby. Earlier, I tried to keep her at arm’s length because I was afraid I would hurt her. That was until she pulled herself closer. Her strength actually shocked me. The little thing is holding onto me for dear life. Maybe she wants me because I am the only female, and she has just lost her mother. No matter how many times I analyze the situation, I can’t wrap my brain around her needing me.
Seeing Lucas cry has almost been my breaking point, but I know if I start crying, there will no stopping. I keep counting to myself and swallowing back the tears as quickly as they come. I haven’t told anyone I love them other than family, which includes Dar and her family, so it feels strange to keep saying it to Lucas. He somehow has chipped away at my heart, and it’s making me feel an emotion I didn’t think I could feel anymore.
Dar pulls me into the bathroom, as the guys get ready to carry Amelia to the hearse.
“Cassie…”
I glare at her. Now certainly isn’t the time for her to try to reinforce the nickname she is trying to give me. She puts up her hands and takes a few steps back.
“Fine! Cassandra.” She pauses after each syllable of my name, but at least she didn’t use my middle and last name. “Are you doing okay? You look like you’re about to burst into tears at any second.”
After splashing some cool water onto my face, I look at my reflection in the mirror. Keeping the tears from showing their ugly head isn’t easy, but until Dar asked, I thought I would be fine.
A lump
forms in my throat that I can’t swallow. My eyes burn as I try to fight the torrential storm that is brewing in them. “Why the hell did you have to ask?” I wipe away the first few drops with the back of my hand. “You ass!” I manage to complain in between sniffs.
Dar’s eyes are rimmed in red, and I can tell she is about to lose it herself. “Fuck, you’re the ass for starting all this emo shit.” Her bottom lip quivers, and she blows out a long breath. Tears flow down her face as if she just burst a damn. She pulls me into her arms as I blow her hair out of my face. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly. We stand in the embrace until the door opens, revealing a tall blonde who, judging by the look on her face, has never given a hug in her life.
“Nate asked me to come find you.” She keeps her eyes on Dar as she continues, “They are ready to go to the graveyard.” She turns and leaves as Dar and I exchange a what the hell look.
“Do you know her?” I turn away from Dar to check my face for runny mascara in the mirror. Dar stands beside me and blots the black smudges from her cheeks.
She shakes her head. “I have no fucking clue who she is, but I do know one thing.” She makes eye contact with me. “Whoever she is, she’s a bitch,” Both of us can definitely agree on that one.
“Can’t argue with you there.” I open the bathroom door and let her go in front.
Lucas unlocks my door and holds it open for me. He hasn’t said anything since Dar and I came out of the bathroom. He opens his door and drops into his seat. After starting the car, he leans his head on the steering wheel and roughly combs through his hair.
“I swear, if one more person makes me sign anything today, I’m going to punch them!” The loudness of his voice startles me, and I move closer to the door. He turns his head, probably to see what I am doing.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Cass. It’s just these people are worse than vultures. You would think they would have the fucking decency to wait a couple of days to have us go over the insurance bullshit!” I’m in the dark about how this stuff is supposed to work, since death has never taken someone close to me.
Just Breathe (Blue #1) Page 20