“Sweet Mother Mary, what the devil is he doing here?” he muttered under his breath before he addressed Verdan again. “You go ahead. The chandler must have business to discuss.”
Although what that could possibly be, Gerrard had no idea. He hoped it wouldn’t take long, either. He had never liked the greedy little man who had browbeaten his late wife and treated his son like a lackey.
“Greetings, Norbert,” he said as the panting chandler reached him. “What brings you to the castle?”
“I’ve come to give my condolences to Audrey’s sister. I heard that she had come.”
Gerrard frowned. “Yes, she has, and you wish to speak with Sister Augustine?” he asked as Norbert shifted from foot to foot like a horse nervously awaiting the start of a race.
The last thing Celeste—or anyone—needed was to talk to this fellow, about anything.
“If that’s what Audrey D’Orleau’s sister is called now, yes,” the chandler replied with a hint of defiance.
That was not something to encourage Gerrard to grant his request. “Sister Augustine is resting and cannot be disturbed.”
Norbert frowned and looked far from pleased. His state of mind, however, was not Gerrard’s concern.
“Perhaps you’ll be good enough to tell her I was here,” Norbert said.
“Perhaps,” Gerrard replied with a smile that was not meant to be pleasant.
“Now see here, Gerrard—” Norbert began. He fell silent when he saw the look in Gerrard’s eyes. “Oh, very well!”
The chandler turned on his heel and started back to the inner gate just as it opened to admit another man, this one also richly dressed, but plump and darkly bearded. His tunic was shorter and more embellished, with an embroidered hem and neck. His boots were of fine leather, as were his bossed belt and gauntlet gloves.
Ewald. Of course. The dealer in hides and tallow was as broad and boisterous as Norbert was thin and wheedling, but equally as greedy. The two were like vultures come hurrying to the battlefield, and Celeste a corpse.
“Good day, Gerrard! And you, too, Norbert!” Ewald declared. “Why am I not surprised that you’re here already, Norbert? That nosy son of yours should be a spy for the king.”
“I doubt you’ve come to pass the time of day,” Norbert retorted. “You want to see her, too, don’t you?”
Ewald’s cheeks flushed. “Well...” he began, drawing the word out as he rocked back and forth on his heels, his thumbs tucked in his wide leather belt beneath his protruding belly, “as a matter of fact, I do. To give her my sympathy on her sister’s death. A bad business, that, a very bad business.”
Business had nothing to do with it, Gerrard thought sourly. Warped and thwarted love did. “Unfortunately, Sister Augustine is resting and cannot be disturbed,” he said firmly.
Norbert, not surprisingly, continued to scowl, while Ewald, equally not surprisingly, smiled like a man who’d won a bet.
“Tomorrow will do just as well,” the tanner jovially replied. “Tell her I was here, if you will, and I’ll be delighted to speak with her at a time of her convenience. I’ll offer her a very good price for the house.”
“I will do no such thing,” Gerrard said. “You will wait to discuss business with her when she comes to you, and not before. Now I give you good day, gentlemen.”
With a look of sly triumph, Norbert nodded and started toward the gate. Only slightly subdued, Ewald bowed and followed.
Carrion crows, the pair of them, and Gerrard would be damned before he’d tell Celeste that they’d been there. He wasn’t their messenger and she didn’t need to be bothered, he thought as he walked back to the gate.
He came to a startled halt. Celeste—Sister Augustine—was gliding toward him across the grass, the ends of her veil lifting in the breeze. Even in a nun’s habit, she looked like royalty, poised and proud and beautiful.
“I thought you were resting,” he said, baffled by her presence and wondering if he should have let Norbert and Ewald meet her.
“I am rather weary,” she replied, her lips set in a thin line, “so if it’s possible, I’d prefer to have the evening meal in Roland’s chamber. Alone.”
He was glad he’d sent the chandler and the tanner away, yet couldn’t help feeling somewhat dismayed by her manner and that she apparently didn’t want to dine with him, either. Still, that might be for the best. She aroused old memories and some of them were best forgotten.And if she hated him, he could hardly blame her. It was his fault she’d been sent to Saint Agatha’s.
“Since you’re a guest, you’re free to do as you like,” he said. “I’ll have the meal and some wine sent up to the chamber in due course.”
She nodded and her lips curved up into a little smile. A very little smile. “Thank you, Gerrard.”
After that, she walked gracefully away, leaving him to ponder what she would think of him if she ever found out all that had happened while she was in the convent.
* * *
Later that night, Gerrard sat alone on the dais in the great hall of Dunborough. The evening meal had been served, and most of the soldiers not on guard duty had already returned to the barracks or bedded down on pallets in the hall, along with the ever-present hounds. A few of the household servants were still awake and talking quietly in a corner. The female servants had their own quarters above the kitchen, while the rest either slept in the kitchen or in the loft above the stalls where the grooms and stable boys also bedded down.
Gerrard glanced at the stairs leading to the family chambers. What would Celeste think if she knew about his dealings with her sister? And the offer Roland had made to him?
He had planned to use Audrey’s wealth for his own ends and had even been prepared to marry her to get it, although that hadn’t been his idea. It had been Audrey’s suggestion that he bribe the king to give him Dunborough and a title. When he and Audrey wed, she would have had what she desired most—a powerful and titled husband—and he would have had his heart’s desire, the estate of Dunborough and the power to rule it.
Now Audrey was dead and Roland had another estate, thanks to his marriage, so he had offered Dunborough to Gerrard, pending the king’s approval.
Although Roland was no doubt sincere, Gerrard still couldn’t quite believe that he would willingly give up the estate they both had craved for so long, especially after his father’s will revealed Roland was indeed the elder twin and given the way Gerrard had treated Roland all these years. But he had.
It was tempting to accept Roland’s offer, even though that would mean being beholden to his brother for the rest of his life. And when he remembered that he’d been willing to use Audrey D’Orleau and her wealth to get what he wanted, he felt so ashamed, it seemed better to leave Dunborough and never return.
Yet to give up the chance of being the lord of Dunborough! He had yearned for that for as long as he could remember.
Gerrard abruptly rose and started for the door, grabbing his cloak from a peg before he went out. It did no good to sit and brood. That was the sort of thing Roland would do. Better to be doing something—anything—than mope.
He’d go to the tavern in the village. It was always lively, even at this time of night. There were other places a man could find companionship of a different sort, but he’d given that up along with too much ale.
Gerrard stepped into the yard. A quick glance confirmed that the watchmen were on the wall walk and two guards stood at the gate.
A cold Yorkshire wind sent clouds scudding across the half-moon and he sniffed the air, wondering if it would snow before morning. Hard to say.
How much he hated winter and the cold that forced him to spend too much time indoors! He felt imprisoned when the weather was too bad to ride. Perhaps that was what being in a convent was like, and not only in the winter. Considering that and celibacy, he knew he could never
stay in such a place. He would flee at the first opportunity.
A movement near the large oak beside the inner wall caught his eye. Someone clad in a long dark cloak was moving in the shadows near the kitchen.
“You there, what are you doing?” he demanded as he hurried forward.
Celeste—Sister Augustine—stepped out of the shadows. At the same time, one of the soldiers appeared on the wall walk above and the guards at the gate charged toward her.
“All’s well,” Gerrard called to them. “You can go back to your posts.”
They obeyed and he turned to face Celeste, trying not to notice her large eyes or full lips. “You had better stay inside at night. My men are all trained archers. You might have been mistaken for an intruder and shot.”
“Fortunately, I was not.”
Her voice was as placid as her expression. Where had that lively, daring girl gone? He would have wagered much that even the nuns couldn’t stifle her vivacity, although apparently they had.
“Is anything the matter?” he asked. “Is there something you require?”
Dolt! If she wanted something, she would go to the hall and summon a servant, not wander about the yard like a lost soul.
“The chamber is very comfortable, thank you,” she replied. “I simply couldn’t sleep. And you?”
“I often check to make sure the watch is awake,” he lied. He never did that. He didn’t have to. His father had severely punished any man caught sleeping at his post, and it was still too soon after his father’s death for the men to realize neither he nor Roland would ever be as cruel.
Celeste nodded at the oak tree. “That’s the tree we climbed that All Hallow’s Eve, isn’t it?”
The memory rose up as vividly as if it had been yesterday. He and Roland had gotten out of the castle by climbing the oak, then slipping out a postern gate, one All Hallow’s Eve. They’d wanted to go to the village to see the bonfire. Audrey and Celeste were already there when they arrived. Audrey claimed she didn’t believe they’d done anything so bold as climb over the castle wall like thieves. Sir Blane must have let them come.
Determined to prove her wrong, Gerrard had suggested that she return with them the same way and spend the night in the hayloft. Roland had been against the idea from the first. It would be too dangerous. She surely couldn’t climb as well and they’d all be caught and punished.
Audrey had laughed at Roland, and Gerrard and she had called him a grumpy old woman and a host of other unflattering names until he gave in.
Celeste had begged to go along and finally they had let her. She had kept up with them, and never made a whimper, even after they were caught, as Roland had predicted. Audrey and Celeste had been escorted home, for their father was too wealthy to offend, while the twins had been beaten and forced to stand until dawn.
“I was so afraid I’d fall,” Celeste murmured, moving back into the shadows.
“You never gave any sign you were afraid,” Gerrard replied, following her. “I thought you were very brave.”
She laughed softly, a sound that roused more memories. Of chasing her through the forest, but never quite catching her. The admiring look in her eyes when he told a funny story. The time he’d suggested they play a kissing game and she had laughed and blushed and run away.
He wanted to kiss her now.
She is a nun, he reminded himself, even if she’s also a beautiful woman. “I was afraid, too,” he confessed.
Glistening in the moonlight, her large eyes widened with a look of wonderment. “I didn’t think you were afraid of anything.”
She is a nun. “I was afraid of many things, my father most of all.”
“So was I.”
“Everyone was frightened of him.”
“I meant my own. He used to fly into terrible tempers. Audrey and I would hide, and she would tell me stories to make me feel better.”
“I never knew that.” Even as a girl, Audrey had seemed too cold and calculating to offer a younger sister comfort.
“I realize she had her faults, but I loved her very much,” Celeste whispered, her voice full of sorrow.
Nun or not, there seemed but one thing to do. Gerrard put his arms around her and pulled her into his embrace.
He meant only to offer comfort, yet heat coursed through his body as her breasts pressed against his chest. He thought of her full lips so close to his own. All he need do was put a knuckle beneath her chin and tilt her head up to kiss her.
They were in shadow. No light shone from the narrow windows nearby. No one could see them.
She is a nun! She is a nun!
“I’m sorry I broke your collarbone that day, Gerrard,” she said softly.
“I’m sorry I cut off your hair,” he replied just as quietly.
If he were wise, he would move away. Leave her. Go to the farthest corner of the castle. Or the village.
He wasn’t wise.
Chapter Four
Celeste knew what Gerrard was going to do before he did it. What he shouldn’t do, especially if he thought she was a nun.
She also knew what she ought to do. Stop him. Move away. Leave. Go back to her chamber.
She didn’t. She couldn’t. For too long she had dreamed of being in Gerrard’s arms. For too many years he’d been her idea of a hero, the ideal man. Of all the worldly longings she’d sought to stifle in the convent, the most difficult was the dream of being held in Gerrard’s arms with his lips upon hers.
So when he kissed her as she’d always imagined, she could not resist. She couldn’t protest, for his kiss was even more wonderful and exciting than her most vivid dreams, and some of them had been very vivid indeed.
His embrace tightened about her and her body seemed to become like liquid wax in his arms, without bones or muscles or sinews. Her only strength seemed to be in her hands as she clutched his shoulders to keep from falling, and to continue kissing him.
Her desire increased, heating her blood and sending it throbbing through her body. This was the sort of passionate encounter some of the girls had talked of. Being with the men they loved, and how they’d felt in their arms.
They hadn’t described the yearning building within her, the need for something more than lips on lips, or that a man might slide his hand along her arm and down her side, letting it rest on her hip before he began to slowly glide his palm up toward her breast.
When Gerrard cupped her there, she opened her lips to gasp, and his tongue slid into her mouth—a shocking, unexpected act she had never heard of or imagined.
Surprise and shame hit her like twin blows of a hammer.
Horrified by her own weakness, she put her hands on his chest and shoved him away. She knew too well what men were like, how violent and angry they could get, yet it seemed she’d forgoteen everything for a moment’s fleeting pleasure. “Stop! How could you?”
His brow furrowed, Gerrard spread his arms wide as he moved back. “I only meant to—”
“What?” she demanded, hiding her regret and remorse behind anger of her own. “Seduce me?”
His expression hardened and his lips became a grim, hard line, like Roland’s. Like Broderick’s and, yes, like their father’s. “No, that was not my intention.”
“I am a nun!”
“I forgot.”
“Forgot?” she repeated incredulously, as if she’d never heard anything so ridiculous.
“That’s the truth, whether you believe it or not,” he defensively replied. “And it wasn’t my idea to move farther back beneath the tree. It was you who led us here.”
“I thought...” What had she been thinking? She had no explanation. Nevertheless, she gave him one. “I thought it would be more sheltered from the wind and so easier to talk. And that was no excuse to kiss me.”
�
�I may have begun the kiss, but you were just as eager once I did.”
“I was not!” she protested, although that was a lie. A terrible, shameful lie. “You caught me off guard.”
He made a sweeping bow and his expression became a sort of mocking grin. She’d seen that look on his face before, but never had it been directed at her.
She didn’t want to see it now, even if she had been in the wrong to accuse him so unjustly, and even if it was better than his anger.
“I beg your forgiveness, Sister Augustine,” he said, his voice smooth and full of derision. “I promise I’ll never surprise you again. Now I give you good night and I hope you’ll have very pleasant dreams.”
In spite of his sardonic attitude, she saw something else in his eyes that filled her with dismay and regret and shame. She had hurt him. He’d been hurt many times in the past by his father and his brothers and now she had hurt him, too.
Gerrard turned on his heel and started across the yard toward the gate, chin up, back straight, like a conquering hero.
A hero she had wounded.
Another sin to beg forgiveness for, like letting him kiss and caress her.
No, the greater sin was his, she told herself as she hurried back to Roland’s chamber. Gerrard had kissed her first. That was the truth, whatever else had happened.
They were never going to kiss again. She would see to that.
They must never kiss again. She was going to be a nun. She wanted that more than anything in this world or the next. Then she would be protected, secure and close to God. She would be free of worldly cares and concerns and no longer troubled by the desires of the flesh. She would be away from violence and hatred and quarrels, men and women arguing far into the night regardless of the children who could hear, trembling and clutching each other for comfort in the dark.
She would be safe and maybe even happy, and if she had to give up certain longings and desires, it would surely be worth it.
* * *
The two guards at the inner gate snapped to attention as Gerrard approached. The garrison commander frowned when he saw that one of the guards was Verdan.
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