‘… you just need to be careful is all I’m saying. You can’t just do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it,’ Tessa half whispered half shouted, her brows drawn up in frustration.
‘It was half a glass of wine, Tessa. I didn’t exactly go on a bender.’ His hands became fists at his sides, his jaw set.
‘And that’s all you’ve had recently is it, just that half glass? That girl clearly drinks like a fish – Dad and her drank that whole bottle like it was Ribena.’
I frowned and gritted my teeth.
‘Hey! Don’t talk about Eff like that. She’s been really nervous about coming here and I assured her that you and Dad would be nice, but I didn’t get the round robin about you going in for surgery and having that stick implanted up your arse.’ I clenched my fist in solidarity with him. ‘I like her, Tessa. You know I wouldn’t bring her here if she was just some girl, not after …’
‘After Jenny?’ Tessa finished his sentence for him. ‘Jenny is the exact reason that you should be careful with this Effie. You haven’t told her yet, have you?’
Theo went quiet, his nostrils flaring, relaxing, flaring, relaxing. I waited for one of them to mention it. The secret I wasn’t allowed to know, but neither of them did.
‘Have you?’ Tessa almost shouted. Theo shushed her and stepped forward, his voice quieter than before.
‘No … I haven’t told her.’
‘Then you had better tell her soon and find out if she’s anything like Jenny was. If she’s different, then that’s fine, I’ll drop the attitude and be happy for you, but until then I’m not going to welcome someone into our lives, love her and trust her like we all did before, if she’s going to turn out to be like Her.’ She stepped closer and took his face in her hands. ‘I love you. You are my big brother, the only one I’ll ever have, and it is my job to protect you from evil people.’
‘Effie isn’t evil,’ Theo said, his voice softening, his fists now only hands.
‘Then tell her and prove it.’
I walked back into the living room as if I’d heard nothing. Tessa glanced my way before throwing a blanket over Rhys and scurrying off to her studio by the lake to finish what she was working on. When she was gone, Theo took my hand and led me back upstairs.
Was he finally going to let me in on whatever it was that seemed so important?
He pulled me into his room, shut the door and turned around, hitting me with that smile that excused him of anything before he’d even been accused.
‘I have a confession.’ He took something from the top of the dresser and hid it behind his back.
‘Should I be worried?’ I stepped closer, my hands clasped and fidgeting in front of me. I prepared myself for the truth.
Would it change anything? Would it change how I saw him? I hoped not.
‘I had an ulterior motive in bringing you here this weekend.’
‘Is this when you reveal that you’re actually a prolific serial killer and lock me in your kill room?’ I said, trying to keep the mood light so he would feel at ease to tell me. I noticed his gaze flicker to my lips and then back up to my eyes.
‘Almost, but not quite.’ He pulled his hand from behind him, his fingers holding two tickets to see The Rosehipsters the following day.
‘How? I didn’t even know they were touring.’ I looked at him, wide-eyed.
‘I have my sources.’ He tapped the side of his nose. ‘They were sold out but an old friend from college works there and he got us in.’ He stepped forward and held them out to me. ‘We still need to tick off mission two after all.’
My lips fell apart as I looked from him to the tickets and back again. I’d wanted to see them for a decade and now I actually had tickets. This time tomorrow night I’d be there, watching them.
Something quite like, but more pleasant than indigestion burned in my chest and all I wanted to do was kiss him.
‘So, do you want to go?’ he asked, after words had failed me.
His hand trembled slightly as he held the tickets out to me, a beaming smile on his face.
Blood whooshed in my ears as I swallowed my worries and knocked the tickets from his hand.
I suddenly resented everything that came between us: the air, our clothes, the self-consciousness I felt at the thought of being liberated from those clothes. All thoughts of unveiling his secrets had vanished and were now only thoughts of my skin touching his, of his warmth seeping into me. I wanted to know what he felt like, what the expanse of his chest smelled like and with that in mind I moved closer still.
I rose to my tiptoes and pressed my mouth to his with a desperation that I hadn’t felt quite so keenly the last time. His lips were soft and were flavoured with the rich wine that I had drunk earlier; it tasted better from his mouth than it had from the glass. At first, he seemed to go rigid, startled by my sudden step into action, but after a moment I felt him give way; his hands rising to the back of my head and pulling me close.
Lip slid over lip. Tongue over tongue. Tooth nicked lip and then slid away, the mild pain of it forgotten instantly. Hands fumbled, touching familiar places and places that had yet to be touched. I urged him back, the mattress knocking his knees out from under him. The springs twanged as he landed, his eyes stricken with a look of intoxication as he stared up at me. I gritted my teeth, not knowing where this sudden burst of confidence was coming from. I almost let the embarrassment stop me as I pulled my top over my head and discarded it, but I wanted him to see me, all of me. I reached behind and unhooked my new bra, flinging it to the ground and standing there, half naked in front of him. His eyes moved over me as he sat up, his hands reaching out and moving over the arch of my waist, the curve of my breasts. I reached down and unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it back over his wide, solid shoulders.
His skin gleamed with the subtle light of the bedside lamp as my eyes devoured every inch of him: the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the strong arms that reached for me as he pressed his lips to my stomach, the dappling of sandy hair that covered his chest. I could wait no longer and, as a small sigh escaped my lips, I pushed him back and climbed on top, my hair falling over his cheek as I looked down at him, his hot breath on my face.
He pulled my lips to his once more and he made a small noise in his throat when they touched, as if their being apart had been a terrible agony. He rolled over, his arms tensing as they held his weight above me, although his body still knocked what little breath I did have out of my lungs.
I tugged at the shirt that still hung from him and tossed it to the floor, my hands wasting no time in returning to his back and feeling the muscles tense and relax beneath his skin.
Every nerve within me tingled with excitement; every breath felt like the first. He had a tiny scar on his shoulder, a thin white line that barely stood out at the end of his collarbone. I leaned up and kissed it, the taste of his skin filling my mouth as his lips marked a path in kisses down my neck.
He pulled away, his face a blur of proximity, and the breath caught in my throat. I waited for him to speak, to tell me that he couldn’t do this. But all he did was lift a hand to my cheek and kiss me, softly, tenderly. It was a kiss that spoke louder than any words when given in the midst of such careless passion.
Nevertheless, I felt the words rise up in my throat and sit on my tongue, ready to be said. My lips parted, the words demanded to be spoken and yet I found myself mute.
It had never been a question of if I would fall in love with Theo; I knew that now. The only question had been when and as I looked at him, his lips pulled into that smile I had known would be trouble from the very start, I knew that when was now.
He fell asleep before I did. His head lolling to face me, his eyes closed in peaceful slumber. His arm was outstretched and hung on my hip as I lay watching him from a few inches away. It was as if he didn’t want to let me go, even in sleep.
It seemed that the fourth time had been the charm. There had been no sign of any vomit, no allergic reactions and n
o passionate declarations about seahorses. It had been exactly how it should.
I felt oddly still, maybe even a little serene.
I noticed him move and thought that he’d woken, but his eyes remained closed. His shoulders trembled slightly, the movement audible in his breaths. I wondered if he was cold. He wasn’t wearing anything and the blankets that covered us weren’t all that thick, but the room wasn’t cold.
I scooted towards him, pulling the blanket up and over his exposed shoulder, my arm wrapping around him, my nose pressing into the warmth of his chest as our breaths fell into a unified rhythm.
I vowed then to remember this moment, the feeling, the smell, the happiness of it. I wanted this to be the memory that came back when my life flashed before me. This memory was my happy place.
Chapter Seventeen
It took me a second or two to remember where I was when my eyes finally fell open, but the wall poster and the smell of Theo that lingered on my lips brought the memories back with a smile. I turned my head to the side and saw him, sprawled on his front, his mouth ajar and his hair jutting out at every angle.
I grinned and lay on my side, facing him and watching as his back rose and fell.
I wanted to wake him and recreate the night before, but he was such a picture, snoring gently into the plaid pillowcase, that I felt like waking him would be a crime.
I clambered out of bed, my muscles feeling like they’d turned to rock from yesterday’s hike, and made for the pile of clothes that lay crumpled on the floor. I looked at the lacy purple knickers/mild torture device and decided to forgo those for a pair of well-worn cotton briefs. I’d be sure to find the ones I’d hidden at the bottom of my bag when I got back to the room I should’ve spent the night in. I scrunched the knickers into a ball and pushed them into my pocket. I donned the rest of my clothes and tiptoed towards the door. As I made to leave, I noticed a collection of silver packets lying on the top of the dresser. I glanced behind me, checking that he was still asleep before beginning my first official snoop on a lover.
I picked one of them up and turned it over. There were five of the blister packs; all were half empty and contained different drugs. I glanced at the names, recognising one as an antihistamine, but I didn’t know about the rest.
Maybe they were for his nut allergy, or for hay fever. I knew Joy always had a pack of them ready for those first few weeks after the seasons began to change when she’d start annoying me by sneezing hysterically, but it was November and so that seemed unlikely.
I was about to leave when I spotted another packet, hidden between the wall and a book named 100 Films to See Before You Die. I pulled the pack out and turned it over. Diazepam.
I’d heard of it before but I had no idea what it did; there was only one pill missing.
Back in my room I ruffled up the bed sheets for effect and then pulled the long, draping curtains back from the window. It was only just light and yet Tessa was already outside, sitting in the grass that jutted out a little way into the lake like a pier.
I found my phone and typed diazepam into the search.
The results came up slowly, the remote location causing a sluggish internet connection, but when they had finally loaded, I saw that the drug was used to treat several anxiety disorders.
Theo, anxious? I couldn’t think of anyone less likely to display anxious behaviour.
Was this what he was hiding – some sort of mental health problem?
Before heading to the bathroom, I took the list from my jean pocket and found mission four – Fall in love. I took my eyeliner and crossed out the words, feeling something stronger than accomplishment when they disappeared behind the line of heavy black liner.
I showered and dressed in an oversized green jumper and leggings before tiptoeing down the stairs, letting my damp hair hang over my shoulder and soak into the fabric.
At the bottom of the stairs I found my old brown boots sitting neatly by the wall and slipped them on before stepping out into the chilled morning and making my way to Tessa. After last night and what I’d found this morning, I wanted to know everything.
He had seen me, my body exposed to him in a way that made me feel vulnerable. He had seen into my soul and yet he wouldn’t let me peek at his.
Tessa sat with her back to the house as I tentatively approached. She had her legs crossed, her feet pulled up onto her knees and a glass cup of what looked like old dried leaves crammed into boiling water sat beside her in the grass.
‘Good morning,’ I said, my voice coming out quiet and small.
Tessa didn’t open her eyes or turn to face me, she just exhaled and patted the ground beside her. I sat down; the grass was damp. When she didn’t speak, I decided to just bite the bullet and say it.
‘I heard you two arguing last night in the hallway.’
‘Good to know. Next time I’ll pick a more private place to talk about you,’ she replied, her eyes closed, the tips of her middle fingers pressed to the tips of her thumbs.
‘What is it that you’re all keeping from me?’ I didn’t mean it to come out as accusatory as it did.
‘What has he told you?’
‘I know that something happened around the same time that your mum passed away and I think that it might be the reason Jenny left, but that’s purely speculation at this point.’
‘Is that all?’
‘Your dad told me that something happened and you almost lost him, but Theo’s told me nothing other than what I know about Jenny and that he stopped boxing, but he didn’t tell me why.’ My curls were now on the verge of freezing into a solid mass across my shoulder. The chill made me shiver.
‘Was he … is he an alcoholic?’
‘Why do you ask that?’ She raised an eyebrow.
‘Because of how weirdly you all acted when he had wine last night.’
Tessa turned her head, her eyes opening; they sparkled cornflower blue in the morning sunlight. ‘You’re observant,’ she said, sounding almost impressed.
‘Not really – it was hard to miss,’ I replied. I could almost feel her softening towards me … almost.
Tessa took a breath and waited a while before speaking. ‘No, he’s never been an alcoholic.’
I thought for a moment or two before speaking again.
‘What about the pills in his room? I saw them this morning.’ I picked at a blade of grass with my jagged thumbnail, bitten to oblivion by nervous teeth.
Tessa cocked an eyebrow and smiled. ‘You were in Theo’s room this morning?’
I flushed the colour of beetroot and occupied my eyes with looking at anything other than her. ‘That doesn’t matter. Please, just tell me what happened.’
‘What exactly did he say when you asked him?’ she said, exhaling loudly through her nose.
‘He said that he would tell me, but when the time was right.’ I remembered back to yesterday when he’d said that. The look that had clouded his eyes showed he wasn’t ready to relive it.
Tessa sighed; she looked as frustrated as I felt. ‘Look, if it was down to me it would have been the first thing I’d told you. But it’s not my story to tell. What you need to know about Theo is that he can’t let anything go. People, places, things that happened.’ She glanced back at the house and sighed again. ‘Dad and I, we lost so much five years ago. But Theo, he lost more than both of us. When he’s ready to tell you how his life fell apart, he will, and when he does, you’ll have to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who will stay and watch him fall apart or the kind who’ll leave the pieces. God knows, most people are the latter.’ She fixed me with a look, its meaning I wasn’t sure of, and closed her eyes, retaking her meditative pose. I took that as my cue to leave. I stood, my ass wet from the moist grass, and began walking back towards the house.
‘Effie!’ Tessa called. I stopped and turned back; she looked like a water nymph ready to lure me to the water and drown me in its depths. ‘I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I like you. In some ways you’re
good for him – I can see it. But hurt him like Jenny did and I’ll hunt you down like an animal.’ She smiled sweetly before returning to her meditation.
In the bathroom, I towel-dried my thawing hair and applied some make-up to my eyes, before returning to Theo’s room where I sat down on the bed cross-legged and waited for him to wake. He breathed heavily, loudly, as he dawdled in slumber. His face was half buried in the pillow, the sheets pulled down to reveal his back. I slid onto my side and lay down next to him, my fingers moving to his shoulder and gently tracing patterns onto his skin. His breathing changed as he fell upwards through the levels of consciousness, his eyes flickering as he slowly woke.
When he eventually stirred, he seemed shocked to have company, but once the confusion of slumber faded, he put an arm around me and pulled me close. I was overly conscious of the fact that he was still naked, separated from me only by my clothes and the thin sheet that had remained after all others had fallen to the floor.
‘Good morning,’ he said, shuffling closer.
Despite his grin he looked unusually tired, his eyes ringed in dark shadows. He pressed his lips to my cheek; the fogginess of sleep still clinging to his eyes. I tried to keep the thought of why I was there in the forefront of my mind, but as his lips moved from my cheek to my lips all thoughts of confronting him slipped away. The layers of clothing and bed sheet that separated us were quickly disposed of and thirty minutes later I lay back, my attempt at staying on track utterly abandoned.
He looked at me with contentment in his eyes, a contentment that I was about to shatter.
‘I need to ask you something.’ I sat up, pulling the sheet around my chest.
‘I know what you’re going to ask.’ He turned to me with serious eyes. My stomach flipped. ‘Did I always know that I had such skill in the bedroom or was it just a happy surprise? I hope I didn’t startle you too much, but then I did warn you that I was a screamer.’ He grinned, and it was everything I didn’t need right now.
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