by Cole Gibsen
“Oh, honey.” Mrs. Weber reached forward and patted my hand. Her skin felt like cold leather. “That’s completely understandable. With your mother up for reelection, of course you’d be stressed.”
It took nearly all of my strength to fight off the frown pulling at my lips. God forbid I had problems of my own, stress of my own that didn’t revolve around my mother. “Yeah.” I withdrew my hand from her grasp. “So you can see why I can’t run for student council. I have too much on my plate. I need to focus my attention…elsewhere.”
“Regan.” Even though we were the only two people in the office, Mrs. Weber lowered her voice to a whisper. “Does this have anything to do with the graffiti on your locker?”
I jerked back, and my cheeks flushed hot. “You know about that?”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “Of course. But don’t worry, so does the principal. She’s going to launch an investigation to make sure the culprit is found.”
My throat tightened. What if the investigation uncovered the messages taped to the lockers with my private messages and the awful things I said? “An investigation isn’t really necessary. I’m sure it was just a random, onetime thing.”
Mrs. Weber frowned. “Now, honey, you know we have a strict anti-bullying policy at this school. That includes name-calling.”
My stomach dropped, and I thought I was going to be sick.
“We’re going to find this person,” she continued. “And he or she is going to get in a lot of trouble. So don’t you worry. You’re a good girl, Regan. I’m sure whoever did this is just a Democrat causing trouble.” She made a face, as if the word “Democrat” left a bad taste on her tongue.
Right. Because once again, everything that happened in my life somehow related to my mother. I pushed off the counter and moved back toward the door. “So you’ll take care of the ballot for me, Mrs. Weber?”
She sighed and tapped her manicured nails against her desk. “I sure wish you’d reconsider. But if that’s what you really want, I’ll do it.”
I nodded. “That’s what I want. Thanks.”
She pursed her lips as if she wasn’t quite through arguing with me. Before she could say more, I backed out of the office. I was in such a hurry to get away that I didn’t notice the person standing outside the door until I slammed into his chest.
Just what I needed—another person to yell at me. “Look, I’m really sorry—” Before I could finish the apology, I looked up to find Nolan grinning down on me.
“We really need to stop meeting like this,” he said.
“Seriously?” I threw my arms in the air and stepped around him. “Are you stalking me just to piss me off?”
“Why?” He smirked. “Is it working?”
I flipped him off.
He laughed. “Is that any way to treat a friend?”
I stopped in my tracks. “You are not my friend.”
“You’re right.” He looked around. “But I don’t see anyone else vying for the position. Can’t say I blame them. You’re pretty cranky.”
I let out a frustrated groan. “What the hell do you want from me? An apology? If that’s what it takes to get you to leave me alone, fine. I’m sorry I was mean to you on Tuesday, Nolan. Now can you please go away?”
“What I want?” All traces of humor vanished from his face. “What I want can never be given back.”
I folded my arms across my chest to shield myself from his icy gaze. “What the hell does that even mean?”
The five-minute warning bell rang.
Instead of answering, Nolan hiked his backpack higher on his shoulder. “I’ve got to get to class.” He brushed past me and strode down the hall, leaving me blinking after him.
Jeez, and I thought PMS gave me mood swings. I’d never seen anyone like Nolan, someone who could laugh and smile one second—even if it was at my expense—and the next second look like he wanted to murder someone. “Psycho,” I muttered. There was a reason Payton, Amber, and I used to make fun of him—the dude was a fucking nutbag.
As I walked to class, I couldn’t help but wonder why he and his girlfriend broke up. They were essentially perfect for each other. Jordan was in my grade. Her hair was always dyed purple, blue, or some other equally crazy color. She dressed in black every day of the week and even wore a black veil on the death anniversaries of musicians like Kurt Cobain, Freddie Mercury, and Jimi Hendrix. Obviously she wasn’t a typical cheerleader, but that didn’t stop her from trying out for the JV squad last year. She hadn’t gone through half of her tryout routine before Amber burst out laughing. I felt bad Amber reacted like that—even worse when I pretended to laugh along with her. She could never fit in with us.
Except now there was no us.
Look who was the freak now.
With only a couple minutes before the tardy bell rang, the halls were empty—well, except for a girl standing at her locker. As I approached, I noticed that the girl hastily shoving books into her bag wasn’t just any girl. She was Julie Sims—the girl I’d accused of being too fat for the Heimlich in the posted private messages.
My heart stuttered against my ribs and I froze, not sure what to do. Julie was still pulling books, oblivious to my presence. I could easily turn around, but my classroom was only a couple of doors down. If I took another route, I’d be late for sure.
Crap. I so did not need another confrontation right now, but at the same time I couldn’t be late, not when I was coasting on such thin ice. Maybe if I hurried, she wouldn’t notice me. I ducked my head and quickened my steps. I was just about to pass her when one of the books she was shuffling through fell open and a folded sheet of paper decorated with tenth-grade geometry puzzles wafted out. It fell to the floor at my feet.
Julie turned around, and I stopped in my tracks, the air locked inside my lungs.
For a second, Julie appeared not to notice me. She bent over and grabbed the paper. But before she stood, her gaze drifted to the tops of my shoes, and she stiffened.
My throat tightened, and I swallowed hard. I waited for her to scream at me, to cuss me out, or at the very least to slam her locker in my face and storm away. She didn’t. She just stared at me with her wide brown eyes, unmoving. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. I searched her face for the hate I was sure to find lurking there, but another emotion flashed in her eyes—fear.
The realization hit me like a punch in the stomach. Julie wasn’t going to attack me. I was the monster here. Julie was afraid of me.
She swallowed. “I-I’m late for class and can’t find my homework.” I couldn’t figure out why she was telling me this; it wasn’t like she owed me, of all people, an explanation.
“Do you need help looking for it?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I took a step back, surprised. This was the second time in fifteen minutes I’d said something unexpected, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. After all, hadn’t I wanted to get away from her as quickly as possible?
Julie eyed me skeptically. “Why would you want to help me? You hate me.”
Her words caught me off guard, and I shook my head. “I don’t hate you.”
She laughed bitterly. “Please. I read what you wrote about me.”
I fidgeted with the straps of my backpack. Duh, Regan, of course she read it. “Julie, I—” But I didn’t know how to finish, so the word hung awkwardly in the air between us. I mean, why had I written those things about her? Really, I didn’t hate her. In fact, I didn’t know her well enough to have any opinions about her at all. So as far as why I’d written the things about her, I guess I’d done it to get a laugh out of Amber. Shame burned through me like acid, and I dropped my eyes to the floor.
“Why, then?” she said. I glanced up to find Julie’s bottom lip trembling. “What did I ever do to you?”
My mouth flapped open and closed, but no words came out—because there were none to explain why I’d said the terrible things I had.
The late bell rang. Neither of us moved. Silence hung betw
een us, heavy and thick. When I could no longer take it, I shook my head. “I don’t have a reason. I guess I really am the horrible person everyone thinks I am.”
For a second, she looked like she might say something, but then she shook her head and turned back to her locker. She resumed rooting through her books. She didn’t need to tell me to fuck off. I could read the signals loud and clear. But instead of walking away like I’d intended, something kept me glued in place.
After a second, Julie glanced over her shoulder, her brow creased in confusion. “Is there something you want?”
My throat was dry, and it took me several swallows before I felt I could answer. In politics and in life, my mother never apologized for anything. She always said apologizing made you responsible, and a politician never accepted the blame for anything. All my life I’d lived by my mother’s rules. After all, they’d gotten her exactly where she wanted to be. I was starting to realize, however, that where she wanted to be and where I wanted to be were two different places. “Julie,” I said, “even if you don’t believe me, I want you to know I’m very sorry I said those things—I didn’t mean them. I was just…being an asshole.”
She blinked at me a moment, and I could tell she was questioning my sincerity. Even if she wasn’t sure, I was. I’d meant every word I said. Not just because Amber posted my messages and I’d been humiliated. I was sorry I’d hurt her feelings. Sorry because I hated the way she looked at me, even now, with eyes full of apprehension that I put there.
Seconds passed, and still Julie said nothing.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew an apology didn’t undo the awful things I’d said about her—even if I’d never intended for them to be seen. I’d probably never make up for the pain I caused. Still, the knots in my chest loosened a fraction all the same. “I’d better go,” I said, bobbing back on my heels. “I hope you find your homework.”
“Yeah…” She watched me go. Her expression revealed nothing about what she might be thinking about me, my apology, or anything, for that matter. But then she added, “Thanks.”
I nodded, then headed to class. That’s when I spotted him, standing at the edge of the lockers with his phone in hand. Our eyes met, and he slowly lowered the phone to his side. I braced myself for another snarky comment but instead, he said, “I honestly didn’t think you had it in you, Flay.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “What in me?”
He grinned before slipping around the corner and disappearing from view. His answer, however, echoed down the hall after he’d gone.
“A heart.”
Chapter Eight
After homeroom, I slipped into the hallways with my head ducked low. I managed to make it unnoticed to both my first and second period classes. Still, I should have known my luck wouldn’t hold. I was halfway to my third period class when I spotted Amber’s boyfriend, Jeremy, weaving toward me with two of his wrestling buddies in tow. My stomach dropped into my ankles. I quickened my pace, praying I could outrun him. I firmly believed testosterone occupied the empty cavity in his skull where his brain should be. If he loved one thing more than pummeling his opponents on the mat, it was pummeling other students in the halls.
I’d only made it five feet before his hand clamped down on my arm.
“Hey Rey.” Jeremy lowered his head next to mine so his breath tickled against my neck. I barely suppressed a gag. I should have known it was only a matter of time before he screwed with me. He loved messing with the most vulnerable people in school, and right now I was at the top of that list.
“Don’t touch me.” I shrugged out of his grasp.
He laughed and held up his hands. “Hey now. No need to get all pissy. I was just trying to be friendly. Last I checked, you were fresh out.”
Not bothering to answer, I quickened my pace.
He sped up, matching me step for step. “I know you don’t like me,” he said. “That you’ve never liked me. But that’s only because you don’t know me.” He put an arm around my neck and pulled me against him. His cologne was spicy and strong, burning my nostrils. I tried to push away, but he tightened his grip around my neck, nearly cutting off the oxygen in my throat. “Give me a chance. I bet you’ll find I can be nice—really nice.” His friends laughed behind us.
Bile burned up the back of my throat. I fought to free myself from his grasp, but his grip remained firm. I knew he wasn’t stupid enough to try anything at school. Still, despite my attempt to stay calm, he’d gotten under my skin. “Get the fuck off of me, Jeremy.”
He chuckled, his arm not budging. All around me, other students were making their way to class, none of them seeming to notice my discomfort—or caring if they did.
The bystander effect. It was a psychological phenomenon I’d learned about in psych class last year. Basically, a group of people would rarely come to the aid of someone in trouble because they assumed someone else would help, and so no one did.
Just like now.
Jeremy leaned down, his lips an inch from my ear. “C’mon, Rey. Spend a little time with me. If you lost the bitch attitude, I bet we could have a lot of fun.”
A dull throb spread through my jaw from my clenched teeth. As much as I wanted to scream, I couldn’t lose my cool. That was exactly what Jeremy wanted. “Let me go. Now.” Anger punctuated my last word, making it a growl.
“But we’re just starting to get to know each other.”
I was on the verge of telling him that getting to know him was the last thing I wanted, when a hand grabbed Jeremy’s shoulder and yanked him backward, releasing me in the process. The suddenness of it made me gasp, and I stumbled, colliding into several people as I did.
“Well, that looked cozy.” Nolan stepped in front of me, facing Jeremy with his arms folded. “How come I wasn’t invited to the lovefest?”
My mind spun, trying to make sense of what was happening. Surely Nolan wasn’t trying to help me? After this morning, I was pretty sure his sole purpose in life was to harass me.
Jeremy braced a hand on a locker to keep from falling back. His two friends rushed forward, but Jeremy stopped them with an outstretched hand. His jaw tightened, and he glared at Nolan. “No one invited you, because you’re a freak. Now get the fuck out of here before I kick your ass.”
Nolan grinned, but there was nothing friendly about it. He had a couple inches on Jeremy, so he had to duck his chin in order to meet his eyes. “Now, that’s not very nice, especially after all your talk about having fun. That’s a real shame, because I like to have fun.” He cracked his knuckles.
I felt like I’d fallen into a strange nightmare. There had to be an angle—maybe Nolan set the whole thing up to humiliate me? But if it was an act, it was a damn good one. The threat of violence electrified the air, drawing curious students closer.
Jeremy’s neck flushed red and his nostrils flared. “You actually want a go at me?” He snorted. “I always knew you were a fucking loser, but I just didn’t know you had a death wish. Why do you even care? It’s not like she’s your girlfriend.”
Nolan narrowed his eyes, the smile melting from his face. “I care because Regan told you to leave her alone, and you didn’t.”
A wave of shock barreled through me. This wasn’t a setup after all. Nolan really wanted to help me… Why? Now that I’d been freed from Jeremy’s grasp, I wanted so badly to run to the safety of my next class. My feet, however, refused to budge. I was rooted to the spot by some weird sense of loyalty to Nolan. Sure, he was an ass, but he was an ass who’d stuck up for me. I wouldn’t abandon him.
“Since when are you a member of the cock-block police?” Jeremy asked.
Nolan drew his shoulders back, his fists tight at his sides. “Since assholes like you can’t accept ‘no’ for an answer.”
“No?” Jeremy’s lips curled into a twisted smile. “How would a queer like you know the first thing about what a girl wants? Regan didn’t mean no. She was just being a tease. Everyone knows she’s a slut.”
My m
outh dropped open. I could see why everyone was calling me a bitch, but a slut? I’d never even dated, let alone kissed a boy.
The tendons in Nolan’s jaw flexed. When he spoke, his voice was low and dangerous. “Apologize to her.”
Several voices rose in excitement behind me. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, so I turned around and saw the school’s security guard heading our way. My heart plummeted. Our school had a zero-tolerance fighting policy. While I couldn’t care less what happened to Jeremy, I couldn’t let Nolan get suspended for sticking up for me.
I edged closer to his side.
“You want me to apologize?” Jeremy laughed and shook his head. “Fuck you and fuck her.”
“You’re going to be sorry you said that.” Nolan cocked back his fist.
I rushed forward. “No!”
The security guard pushed his way through the crowd. I jumped up and grabbed Nolan’s raised arm. He was stronger than I thought. Instead of bringing his fist down, I remained suspended in the air, dangling from his biceps.
He whipped his head around. The look on his face clearly questioned my sanity, until he caught sight of the guard behind us. He slowly lowered his arm, placing me on my feet.
The guard frowned, his hand clutching his belt. “What’s going on here?”
His question was all it took for the students surrounding us to disperse in all directions, like roaches scattering under a beam of light. Even Jeremy’s two friends abandoned him without so much as a look back.
Jeremy didn’t appear to notice. Instead, all traces of his earlier rage vanished, replaced with an easy smile. Obviously this wasn’t his first tango with trouble. “What do you mean? We’re just a couple of friends hanging out. Last I checked, that wasn’t a crime.”
“Sure.” The security guard pressed his lips together in a thin line. He turned to me. “Regan, is there something going on here I need to know about?”
I cringed. Of course he would know my name. And since I didn’t want to get into trouble any more than I wanted Nolan to, I shook my head. “We were just…heading to class.”