by Ann Marie
She was granted consent to practice with it on Saturdays after chores. Her mother had purchased a wonderful selection of the finest products in France. Josephine and her classmates would sit for hours applying and reapplying. All but Anthony of course. Anthony never even came into the room when the makeup was out. All the others would tease her about it. There was even one who called Anthony a ‘shim’, insisting that if she were female, surely she would want to look beautiful. She was constantly taunting Anthony and her sexuality. Josephine understood, at least she thought she did. She never forgot the story she heard the first day at St. Agnes. And over the years she was able to piece together all that confused her at first.
She remembered the first time Anthony saw her in makeup. She remembered how at first she had been amused by Anthony’s reaction. Anthony was at the sink when Josephine walked into the restroom to wash her face. “Hey,” was all she had said as she came up behind her. Anthony looked up into the mirror. She never said a word. Josephine had heard her suck in her breath. Anthony just stood frozen for a time, staring into the mirror as if afraid to turn around. And then, Josephine realized, her amusement wore off and she became angry with Anthony. Angry from the lack of verbal compliments coming from her friend.
“Is there a problem?” She had started her attack with a question. “Boy, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you had a hard on.” She came up closer to Anthony. So close in fact her chest had touched Anthony’s back. She leaned up and whispered into her ear, “Whatcha wish for?” Anthony had spun around so fast Josephine went flying backwards. From the floor of the restroom Josephine tried in vain to summon up some sort of an apology. Nothing came to her. Anthony stood staring a minute more. As Josephine managed to get herself back to her feet, Anthony slowly walked out of the room. Josephine’s heart was in her throat as she watched her friend exit. Antony never took her eyes off Josephine until she was in the hall and turned to dart down the stairs. Staring at her own reflection now, she remembered how she had felt that afternoon. How she forced herself to remain angry with Anthony for over a week afterwards so that she wouldn’t feel so shameful for what she had done.
Why had she attacked Anthony? What did she want Anthony to say? How did she want Anthony to react? She knew she had hurt Anthony. And she knew she had never apologized for it, or for anything else for that matter. She needed to see Anthony now. Something inside, between her heart and her stomach ached and burned. She turned and left the restroom and without so much as a thought in Harold’s direction, Josephine headed back towards surgery.
Chapter 25
It wasn’t until the wailing of the siren could be heard that Harold had realized he was still sitting alone in the cafeteria. He glanced down at his watch but it was pointless. He had no idea what time it was when he had come in the room, so there was no way for him to know just how long he had been sitting. Long enough for him to go over every piece of information from the Dal Santo murder his mind would allow.
He had let that little girl down. He had let down her mother. He was directly responsible for the death of Juliet and for every rotten thing that had ever happened to Antonia throughout her life. If only he had sent a car out right away. If he had, maybe none of this would be happening now. Harold ran his hands across his face. His right hand followed up, allowing his fingers to glide across his hair.
The image of her face, as he reached back into the closet to retrieve her. Her eyes were so large and full of understanding. They told him everything her expressionless face did not. He knew she had witnessed the tragic event. He knew she had watched from the very beginning to the bitter end. He knew as he spoke those simple words, “Everything is all right now.” That nothing in her world would ever be all right again. He literally had to crawl way back into the closet to get her. He placed his hand out to her but she didn’t go for it. She never moved, just sat, staring with those big eyes. She didn’t seem frightened. She didn’t seem relieved. When he picked her up she never wrapped her arms around his neck or held on to him in any way. He couldn’t read her at all. The hospital staff said she was probably in shock.
He couldn’t get her off his mind for days afterwards. When he had gone back to the hospital to check up on her she had already been assigned to St. Agnes. They did not recommend his going out there. They said seeing him might remind her of the bad images. He knew she wouldn’t need anyone to remind her, that she would never forget what happened in that house. But he respected their wishes and stayed away. He needed to apologize to Antonia. He needed to tell her it was his fault her mother died. He needed to explain why he waited to send out a car. He needed to be able to say, “Everything is all right now.” But it wasn’t all right yet. He wanted it to be all right for her. She deserved everything in her life to be perfect. He had to put an end to all of this. He needed to stop whoever it was that was causing her all this pain and suffering.
He searched the cafeteria as he stood. No sign of Josephine. Her body guard had probably finished his walk and came back in for her. Harold assumed they were together somewhere in the hospital awaiting word about Antonia. Personally he wanted to know how she was also. Inhaling deeply to clear his head, he headed back to the waiting room.
Chapter 26
Josephine arrived just as the ambulance pulled up. The receptionist in the waiting room explained that Antonia had just been moved to recovery and that she would remain there for the next two hours. “Why don’t you get some rest?” was all she said as she rushed to assist the paramedics.
Josephine was annoyed at being told to ‘get some rest’ yet again. Carefully, she crept behind the waiting room doors and stole her way into the recovery room. With as busy as the staff was at the moment, no one seemed to notice. She closed the door as quietly as possible, not wanting to give herself away. Her breath caught in her chest when she caught first sight of Anthony. So pale and lifeless, with tubes and wires attached seemingly everywhere.
“Anthony...” She called out in a whisper. Carefully she walked over to the bed. Searching Anthony’s face for something, anything that would let Josephine know she would be OK. Slowly Josephine reached out for her hand, letting her fingers glide over the attached tube. A single tear fell down her cheek as she closed her fingers into Anthony’s palm.
Anthony heard her whisper. And then, she felt her come closer. She was too tired to open her eyes. Anger still controlled her, but now it was coupled with fear. Not knowing what she was afraid of, but sure if she opened her eyes, she would find out, she held them tight. She would go on pretending to be asleep. It wasn’t too difficult, since no part of her body seemed willing to move anyway. Even as she touched her, Anthony was startled enough to jump a little, but she kept very still.
“I am so sorry Anthony. Please, you have to believe me. I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. I don’t know how things got this bad. Why, how it happened. You were so perfect, so flawless. So smart and so pretty. Everything I ever wanted to be.” Josephine cut herself off at the sound of footsteps outside the door. She held her breath for a moment, before continuing.
“Anthony, Anthony I love you... Please be OK Anthony... I need you to be OK.” Josephine whispered, trying to avoid being overheard by whoever might have been at the door. Anthony tried to open her eyes. She managed the slightest of cracks, but the light was so bright it hurt and she closed them again to shut out the pain. Josephine felt a surge of excitement. “Anthony? Are you awake? Anthony, can you hear me?”
Anthony heard her mother’s voice pleading with her. She was not going to give in this time. She was angry with her mother. She was angry with everything. Angry and scared and now her head hurt as well. She wanted her to go away. Just go away and leave her alone. Maybe she would get lucky and die. Just like that baby bird died.
Anthony had watched for days as the mother bird pleaded with the baby to take flight. But the baby wasn’t ready. The baby didn’t want to do it. The baby cried and begged to stay with the mother. But the mother
pushed the baby. Made the baby do it just like she did. Told her it wouldn’t hurt. Told her it was the right thing to do. And then pushed her into doing it. When the baby fell, the mother cried. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ Anthony thought she heard the mother bird say, as it flew to the ground to check on her chick. ‘Get up; get up quickly before something gets you.’ The mother bird hopped back and forth, on the dirt, near her baby, for hours. Then the something came. A nasty smelling rat cat. It sat back on its haunches watching and waiting. Daring the mother to do something to stop him. But the mother did nothing. The mother flew up to the safety of the tree and watched. Crying and pleading with the rat cat. Begging her chick to forgive her. But as the cat crept closer, the mother turned away. The baby bird closed its eyes and went stiff. The cat pawed it back and forth, but seemed to lose interest with the baby bird, since it would not respond. Eventually the baby bird just stopped living. With any luck, thought Anthony, if she stayed very still and pretended not to be listening, maybe she too would just stop living.
“Anthony, I want to tell you something. I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m gonna tell you anyway. I should have told you this a long time ago. You know, my life was very different before we met.” Pausing briefly, if only to summon up the courage to continue, a second tear fell. “I never had a friend, Anthony. No one I could talk to. You...you were so quiet and calm. I can remember first time I saw you. I thought you must be the smartest girl in the world. You just looked at me with those big eyes and didn’t make a sound.” Josephine took a deep breath as she tried to control her emotions.
Anthony wanted her to stop talking and go away. She wanted to be alone. She hurt, everywhere, and with every pulsating reminder she grew more and more angry. She wanted to be alone. But the voice kept coming. “Anthony, I never meant for your life to end up like this. Honest, I just wanted you to be...I just wanted you here, with me. I thought I would surely die waiting for you. You help me think, you know? Like the plug in a drain. Thoughts in my head, they just go around and around. Like water going down a drain. And then you put the plug in and everything stops. The water settles and all the dirt drops to the bottom and you can see inside...ya know? Do you know what I mean? You...you never get angry with me, Anthony. No matter what I do, what I don’t do, I can always count on you for a smile. God knows, if I could take back everything, I would. Everything, from the very beginning. I should never...I should have accepted responsibility for...Anthony... I love you, Anthony. You’re everything to me. You’re the best part of me. You just have to be OK. Please Anthony, please wake up and look at me.”
The pleading in her mother’s voice tugged at her heart. She was still angry, but not so much at her mother as she was with him. She thought about all the times he had hurt her. She tried, but she could not remember when it had started. She wanted him to die. Yes. If he died then both her mother and Antonia could be happy together forever. She opened her eyes, but her mother was gone. She was surrounded by the darkness. Darkness blacker than black. She bolted upright in the bed, causing a searing pain to shoot up her spine. Carefully she arose from the bed. Blindly, she felt her way to the hallway.
Josephine heard the door open behind her. Quickly she stood, and not thinking, she took a couple steps towards it. Instinct told her to stop. The gentleman standing in the doorway was not hospital staff, she was sure, although he was dressed in hospital garb. And with the way her hair stood up on the back of her neck, she knew something bad was about to happen. She spoke, if only to keep herself centered, as he pushed a wheelchair into the room and parked it just behind the open door. She watched nervously as the door slowly closed itself. “Can I help you? Are you looking for someone?”
In an instant he pounced. Around her neck he wrapped the rubber tourniquet hose he had swiped from the open ambulance, while everyone was rushing to aid the victims. She swung at air mostly, trying to defend herself. He managed to spin her around till her back was to him. Her hands went up to her throat. She couldn’t breathe. She tried in vain to slide her fingers between her flesh and the rubber. She never had a chance to win this battle.
Anthony’s father had returned. He was quiet and still. Glaring at her mother from the open door. Mother was asking ‘How was your day? Are you hungry? Dinner? Could I get you something to eat?’ Anthony watched from the shadows of the hallway. All she could see were the silhouettes of her parents, against the bright light entering the house through the open front door. Why was her mother being so nice? Did nothing she just said mean anything? And that quick, she was back to being angry with both parents again.
His quickness took her by surprise. Three steps were all he took to reach Juliet. He never said a word. His left hand grabbed hold of the collar of her dress and pulled her to him. Her arms fell behind her as he raised her to her toes. Looking up he spotted Antonia in the hall. “This is for last night. Don’t you ever forget who’s in charge here little one.” And with that his right hand broke her mother’s jaw. Anthony swallowed hard to hold back the cry that threatened to escape her lips. He kept punching her mother’s face. After the third blow, Anthony knew in her heart that her mother had just stopped living. But he kept punching her anyway.
Anthony covered her ears to block out the sound. But when his fist had finally penetrated what once was her mother’s face, the sound entered her head. It entered and repeated like an echo. She pulled the closet door closed, just as the front door opened. The nightmare was over, in the real world anyway. She hid, way back in the darkness of the closet. Hands over her ears, eyes closed tight. But she couldn’t stop seeing it, hearing it, over and over again. She banged her head against the wall to make it stop. She banged and she banged until, finally it did. Everything stopped. Antonia looked around her. Nothing but darkness, very black and very deep. Now she was alone with her thoughts. Her mother was gone. She would never see her again. She hadn’t even told her she loved her. She had been angry with her. She had wanted her to go away and leave her alone. And now she had. What had she done? “Mother? Mother can you hear me? I am so sorry, I never meant for you to leave me. Mother? Please come back, please? I’ll do anything, anything, please just don’t be, don’t be...”
Anthony moaned. Josephine stopped struggling just long enough for the sound to be heard. With a smirk, he raised Josephine a foot from the ground before he let loose the rubber hose, dropping both it and Josephine to the ground. Looking back at Antonia he states, “That’s right, don’t you ever forget who’s in charge little one.” Stepping over Josephine’s lifeless body Salvatore walked over to Antonia’s bedside. Placing a gentle kiss on her far head, he inhaled deeply. Pleased with himself, he softly touched the back of his left hand up and down Antonia’s cheek. “Soon, this will all be over and you and I can finally get back to being a family. A real family. The house isn’t finished but we can work on it together.” He looked over all the wires and tubes. He unplugged everything first, and then, one by one, he started to disconnect the machinery. Then he followed each umbilical until he found its origin. All needles were removed. Once everything was free, Salvatore carefully picked up Antonia.
Actually having her in his arms was almost orgasmic for him. He took his time placing her in the wheelchair, more out of the effect than from concern. He enjoyed fixing the blanket around her and combing her hair back with his fingers. Talking outside the room made him realize his mistake. He was wasting time and needed to get out quickly.
He picked Josephine up from the floor with much less care. Roughly he placed her on what use to be Antonia’s bed. Hastily he placed as many of the monitor pads as possible on Josephine, trying to make it look realistic. He then tossed a loose blanket over her body.
Cautiously he checked outside the door. With their backs turned towards him and deep in conversation, the nurses at the station never saw him exit the room. With a steady step he headed for the main building, grabbing hold of the fire alarm as he passed it. “Unbelievable”, he heard someone say as he continued without
looking back. No one gave him a second look as the rush was on to secure the patients. The security guard in the main hall had even given him directions to the nearest exit.
Josephine was quick to jump from the bed when she heard the door close. It had taken her a while to calm down at first, but she was an actress after all and pretending to be dead wasn’t that difficult. The sharp pain in her head didn’t stop her as she removed everything Salvatore had stuck to her. She was just to the door when the alarm sounded. Searing pain across her forehead caused her to pause momentarily. She had to get a grip on the pain, before she was able to visually scan the emergency room. She caught sight of him, just before he passed through the exit to the main hall.
Josephine was directed to the same exit, by the same security guard as Salvatore. She followed him out into main parking lot and watched as he stopped to unlock the door to a car. Quickly she turned and ran to where Billy had parked earlier. After reaching the car, she knelt down and felt under the car with her right hand until she had come up with the spare key. She never turned on the car lights as she pulled the car around to where Salvatore was. It was dark outside and the lights from the local fire engines, responding to the alarm, gave a haunting glow as she watched him get into the car, next to Antonia.