by Maggie Marr
He was sorry and I believed that he would never be with Kiley again. I believed that he cared about me on a level that neither he nor I had had experienced with another person. I looked down at his hands. Those strong, beautiful hands. Tan and firm and able to give so much pleasure.
Those same hands had given Kiley Kepner the same pleasure. My nostrils flared with the idea. His fingers had touched her, his cock had been inside her.
My stomach heaved and rolled. I couldn’t remove the visual from my mind. Not the real image that I’d seen before the wedding, but an image that my mind now created of Ryan with Kiley, naked and bound up together as one giant tangle of flesh.
“Amanda, you know that none of that”—his eyes looked at me—“nothing before rehab… it’s not the same. There was no meaning to any of it. Everything I did was to get rid of the pain. To escape.”
I nodded. I understood. I heard what he was saying to me, but I couldn’t get the image of them together out of my mind. The image of his hand chasing up her thigh, and pressing between her legs, and cupping her breasts. I cared for Ryan, but anger and confusion and disgust beat through me right now. The idea that he’d been involved with the very woman that had tried to destroy me. The woman who had tried to destroy my family. A family that I might have lost for good. My hands shook. Sterling and Daddy were missing. Missing. I could barely process the idea.
“I …” I looked at Ryan. His eyes held worry. “Ryan, I just need to be alone.” I stood and rushed past him. Bernie followed me, as did Kong. I ran up the stairs and burst into my room and collapsed onto my bed. The tears began and long body-shaking sobs burst from me.
Sobs for my family. Sobs for Ryan. Sobs, even, for me.
Chapter 22
Ryan
“You’re involved with Amanda?” Dr. Dwyer was trying to maintain a neutral expression on his face and in his voice.
I paced the length of his office. “If by involved you mean fallen in love with then, yeah, I’m involved.” I wouldn’t apologize for my feelings for Amanda, nor would I end my involvement with her simply because it wasn’t recommended. Lots of things in life weren’t recommended and I had experienced most of them. Amanda wasn’t bad for me, she was the opposite—she was good for me in every way.
“Love is a difficult emotion even in the best of circumstances, but with your sobriety and this new way of life, such a powerful emotion poses significant challenges and risks.”
“The biggest risk I face right now is Amanda leaving me. Or her deciding she can’t forgive me for my involvement with Kiley.” I sank onto the couch. My heart knocked against my ribs at about a million beats per second. “She’s going through something terrible with her brother and her—”
“Yes, her father. I’ve seen it on the news.”
“Yesterday was a tough day. She made me realize that the thing with Kiley hadn’t been just a one-off.” My body jerked back against the couch cushion. “I don’t know how many times, or where, or when, or any of those details, but I know the wedding wasn’t the first time I’d been with Kiley.”
“And Amanda was upset?”
I nodded.
“You both know that part of your program is facing things that happened while you were using.”
“I face my mistakes every damn day. I’m making my amends. I’m sober. I work my program.” Heat hammered through my chest. Sharpness crackled in my tone. “You know how hard this is? To constantly be confronted with things I can barely remember? Things that I’m ashamed I did? The people that I hurt?”
“I do. Yes, I do. This is a difficult process. Finding peace with who you were while in the throes of your disease and maintaining your current sobriety is not easy. You’re learning to forgive yourself for what you did as an addict. You’re moving forward in your sobriety with the strength of knowing that you won’t do those things again because you are sober, and your sobriety means more to you than any high. Even the difficult parts of sobriety are worth more than the best high ever.”
“I want a drink,” I said.
“Of course you do. It’s been your go-to for stress release since you were thirteen, but what are you going to do instead?”
I shook my head. Amanda and I were living in the same house, and yet she was avoiding me. Or I was avoiding her. Or we were avoiding each other. It was clear, since our conversation, that she didn’t want me near her. She didn’t want me holding her while she waited to hear about her brother and her father. She wanted no part of me.
“She won’t even look at me,” I said.
“She’s angry about what you did, and she’s scared for her family. She may be projecting her fear about her brother and father on to you. And she may be experiencing guilt because she has such strong feelings for the man that played such a big part in creating the rift between her and her father.”
“Great to understand that, doctor, but what do I do to change it?”
His face was somber. Serious. “There is nothing you can do, Ryan, but wait. Be patient. Be present.”
I shot up from the couch and shoved my hands into my pockets. Waiting wasn’t high on my list of favorite things to do. Action was needed. I had to do something to make Amanda see that I wasn’t that loser guy anymore. I was the real Ryan, the guy that she was falling for, the guy that she wanted, the guy that she needed.
“There is the possibility,” Dr. Dwyer continued, “that when a person is newly sober they trade one addiction for another.” He looked at me with those knowing eyes. “You remember we talked about this before?”
“I get it. You think I’ve traded booze and cocaine for Amanda,” I said. “That I’m addicted to her.”
“What I think is irrelevant, it’s what you think that is important.” He looked up from his notebook and regarded me. “I want you to be aware of the possibility. There are multiple reasons why your program asks you not to become involved with anyone the first year of your sobriety. It’s not just because of the intensity of the feelings, and the ups and downs of a relationship. It is, in part, so that you don’t trade one addiction for another and then if the relationship fails—”
My heart pounded with the word "fail" on Dr. Dwyer’s lips.
“You don’t want to go through withdrawal again.”
Could I endure the loss of Amanda? I’d known since she took the job that she intended to leave for New York at the end of summer. Had I been in denial? Had I fooled myself into believing that I could convince her to stay? My eyes closed. The weight of where I was emotionally settled around my heart.
I was a fool.
She didn’t even want me near her. When confronted with the worst-case scenario she’d turned away from me. Pushed me out of her life. I opened my eyes and stared at the wall behind Dr. Dwyer. All those diplomas, all that learning, all the hours we’d spent talking and trying to make me well, and the truth was so easy. I was bent on my own destruction. Whether it be from booze, cocaine, or falling in love with a girl who couldn’t possibly love me back. Some deep soul-sucking creature lived within me. A creature that wanted to seep through me and steal any light or joy or peace I might find. I could either succumb to the self-hate or learn how to love myself.
“I want to survive. I want to live and be happy,” I said.
Dr. Dwyer nodded. “Acknowledging that you want those things and that they don’t always come easy is a realization that will carry you through the challenges you are inevitably going to face.”
A long deep breath filled my lungs. I needed to be prepared for the worst possible outcome—the inevitable. Losing Amanda.
Amanda
“Amanda?”
I turned away from the streaks of purple and pink that lined the evening sky. What would normally look like the beautiful end to another day, instead, caused fear to trickle through me. Another day and Sterling and Daddy still hadn’t been found. Lane stood in the doorway to my room. She clasped and unclasped her hands.
“Webber is here.”
I cl
osed my eyes. Webber was here for a reason. There was something he needed to tell me in person. I didn’t know if it was good news or bad, but after this many days without hearing anything, I needed news. I slid my palms down my jeans. I followed Lane downstairs.
Webber and Dillon waited in the foyer. It was very quiet. Their heads were tilted toward one another. They’d been talking. I pressed my palms to my jeans again. The ball of fear in my gut grew bigger. I stepped off the final step and looked at Webber.
Webber’s face split into a smile. “They found them,” Webber said.
A tingle shot through my body and my knees buckled. Lane grabbed my arm. A sound like a moan burst from my mouth. I covered both hands over my lips and hot streaks of tears wet my cheeks.
“They found them?”
Webber nodded. “Both of them are alive. They’re beat up pretty bad, but they’re alive. They’ll be back in L.A. tomorrow.”
Joy burst through my chest. Lane grabbed me into a hug. I glanced toward the front door and my gaze locked with Ryan, who had just come in. I’d avoided him for three days but I wanted to run to him now. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him and yell that my family was okay.
But I couldn’t.
He’d heard what Webber had said. He gave me a small smile and nodded at me. A nod that said I’m happy for you. He didn’t move toward me. He didn’t throw out his arms to envelop me in a hug. He didn’t press his lips to mine. Instead Lane kept her arm slung around me. “Oh my God, that is the best news ever!” she said.
She steered me into the family room. Dillon and Webber followed while Webber provided the details of when Sterling and Daddy would arrive in Los Angeles, and which hospital they would be medevaced to.
“The copter was hanging half off the side of a cliff,” Webber said. “Your dad got Sterling and the entire crew out and onto solid ground.”
“Steve Legend is a miracle,” Dillon said.
“All the equipment was busted. There was no cell service. They had to wait. I hear he rigged together a signal fire using the seats of the helicopter,” Webber said.
I smiled. My father didn’t just play an action hero in the movies, he was an action hero. “They’ve all been airlifted to some local hospital,” Webber said. “I wanted to tell you the good news in person.”
Ryan leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. Dark circles ringed his eyes. Again, the urge to rush to him and throw my arms around him raced through me, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I pressed my palms together.
What had happened between Ryan and I couldn’t happen again. My father had asked me to stop being with Ryan. I could understand his request. My father and Sterling were my everything. But my future was in New York, and Ryan wasn’t a part of that future. Our gazes met. He knew. I saw the loss in his eyes. Ryan knew, without me uttering a word, that we weren’t to be a couple. That I couldn’t surrender my heart to him. I turned away from him, unable to meet his gaze and remain resolute. Whatever Daddy’s choices were with his marriage, they were his choices, but I didn’t have to choose to be with a guy who was a constant reminder of his wife’s infidelity. My eyes flickered back toward the door.
Ryan was gone.
Ryan
I was happy for Amanda. I was happy for Sterling and Steve. I was happy for the entire Legend family. I wanted to rush across the room and swing Amanda in big circle and kiss her and tell her, "See princess, I knew everything would be all right." But I didn’t. I couldn’t. She deserved better. She, at the very least, deserved someone who hadn’t slept with her father’s wife.
I knew that the guy who had slept with married women, and crashed cars, and whored through Hollywood wasn’t the guy I was now, but we had the same face and we were the same person. Pain thrashed through my heart. My heart hurt like it had been fucking cut in two. I wanted Amanda. I wanted her in my arms, in my bed, with me all the time, but she couldn’t be mine, I could see the distance in her eyes.
I had to get myself to a meeting. I had to get somewhere where people would understand how badly I wanted to numb out. How badly I wanted a drink so I didn’t have to feel my heart ache when I looked at Amanda and knew she would never be mine.
But I had another two weeks to look at Amanda. Two weeks of driving through L.A. beside her, two weeks of being reminded that we were finished. Knowing that even though I’d claimed Amanda as mine, I’d never touch her again. Never hold her, never be with her, never be her guy because of the asshole that I had once been.
“Fuck!” Bernie lifted his head and shot me a worried look. I patted him on the head and I grabbed my jacket from my closet. The pressure in my chest was too intense. I needed air. I needed to get out of the house—I had to find a place that didn’t remind me of Amanda, smell like Amanda—or I would absolutely lose my fucking mind.
Chapter 23
Amanda
Thirty-six hours later I walked into a celebrity suite at Cedars-Sinai with Lane by my side. Hundreds of flowers lined Daddy’s hospital room.
“Amanda.” Daddy’s voice rumbled and my tears began.
“Daddy!” I rushed to him and he held out his arms to me. I hugged him.
“Don’t worry, I won’t break,” he said.
“Oh my God, Daddy. I thought you and Sterling … that you and Sterling were …” The tears cascaded down my cheeks. His arms pressed around me.
“Doll,” he said. He reached his hand up and grasped my arm. “Don’t you know that your daddy is too old and too mean to ever die?”
I laughed through the tissue that I now pressed to my nose.
“Hey, Lane,” Daddy said, and nodded toward Lane. “I’m fine. I’m home. And all is well.”
He looked good. He was banged up with scratches and bruises and a pretty nasty cut over his eye but he looked tough and healthy.
“When do you get out of here?” I asked. I twisted the hospital band that was around his wrist.
“Today,” he said. “Doc says I can leave as soon as they get my paperwork finished. I’ve got a movie to finish.”
“Daddy,” I said and tilted my head. “You were just in a helicopter crash, you can’t possibly go back to set.”
“Doll, the show must go on.”
My eyes traveled over my dad. While he looked good for a guy who’d been in a helicopter crash in the Amazon, he wasn’t invincible. Steve Legend was human; he was a simple man with a huge public image. Daddy reached his hand out and pressed it to my forehead. “Amanda, the only thing I could think of while we waited for those slow sons a bitches to find us was coming home to see you. You’re my girl. My baby. Doll, I am so sorry.”
“I know, Daddy. I’m sorry too.”
“No, Doll, you did the right thing. You tried to stick up for your old man and I was a fool. A complete egomaniacal fool. Big wedding. Big plans.” He thinned his lips. “But it’s all been taken care of now.”
I gave him a questioning look.
“Your accounts. Your cards. Kiley. I didn’t tell her to do any of that, but once it was done, and Sterling told me about it, I didn’t fix it nearly as fast as I should have.” He squeezed my hand.
Pain flashed through my heart with his admission.
“It’s all fixed now, and she’s moving. I spoke to Buddy after the Literacy Gala and then I talked to the lawyers.” Daddy’s gaze hardened. “You were right all along, Doll. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe you, it was just that,” he sighed, “I didn’t want to believe you.”
I’d suspected as much, but it felt good to have Daddy acknowledge that I was right.
“Can we have a fresh start? Can you cut your old man a break for making a mistake?”
“Of course, Daddy,” I said.
“Now, Doll, now you can go and do what you were meant to do right after the wedding,” Daddy said. “Now you can go to New York.”
That was exactly what I wanted to do, the words I had longed to hear, but the knowledge that I would soon leave hit me hard in the
chest. What was Ryan going to do?
“Daddy,” I said, “there is something we need to talk about.”
I glanced toward Lane. She nodded toward the hall and slipped out of the room and shut the door behind her. None of this went unnoticed by my father.
“Must be serious, Doll.”
Air filled my lungs and whooshed out over my lips. Talking to my father about things he didn’t want to discuss made me uncomfortable. My fingertips were cold and I clasped my hands together.
“It’s about Ryan Sinclair,” I said. I looked at my dad.
“Doll—”
“I know you’d rather not discuss it, but I need to.”
He turned his head away from me and looked toward the wall. His jaw hardened and the muscle flinched in his cheek.
“I don’t want you seeing a guy like that, Doll,” Daddy said.
“And I’m not seeing him,” I said, because I wasn’t. I wouldn’t see him anymore. I was leaving for New York and there would be no more me and Ryan.
Daddy shifted his gaze back toward me; his jaw had softened.
“He’s not the same person,” I started, “the same man he was before rehab.” I pulled a corner of Daddy’s blanket between my fingers and worried it in my hands. “Do you remember just after Mom died?”
“Doll, I already know what you’re going to say. And, yes, I do remember. I remember how bad it got and how bad it was even before. I understand.” He grasped my hand in between his giant palms. “Maybe that’s exactly why I don’t want you with a guy like Ryan, maybe because he reminds me a little too much of me.”
My head jerked back. Daddy never admitted he was wrong, never acknowledged his bad behavior. Yes, he’d attended AA for about a year, but he’d definitely never apologized to me or to Sterling.