by Pat Barrow
I turned on her. “If you knew Dad, you’d know that I’d got no choice.” She smiled and then held me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes. “Hetty, believe me I know your dad, that’s why I’m not with him now. I didn’t want to tell you, but I guess I’ve no choice.”
“Tell me what? What do you mean?” I started to panic. I didn’t understand. “Look, your dad’s a lovely, lovely person, but and there’s a huge but, only if you agree with him, only if you do what he wants, only if he’s the centre of attention, the one everybody looks up to. If you take your eyes off him, then he can’t stand that, he can’t cope and he turns against you. That’s what’s happened to your dad and me. I got to the point where I just couldn’t keep on being downtrodden by him. I guess I just stopped worshipping him. He wasn’t my ‘god’ anymore.” I put my hands over my ears, I didn’t want to hear.
“Oh Mum, that’s so cruel. That’s not like Dad is.” The little voice in my head said ‘oh it is, Hetty, that’s exactly what your dad is but you don’t want to believe it. You know that’s true. You know what your mum’s saying is true’.
But instead, I just blurted out, “I hate you, I hate you. My dad is so special how can you possibly say such horrible things about him?” Tears were streaming down my face, as I ran upstairs and flung myself on the bed and sobbed.
A bit later on, Mum knocked and came in to me. She sad on the edge of the bed. “Hetty,” she said very softly, “I didn’t say those things to upset you. I was just trying to explain what’s happened. I’m sorry, perhaps I’ve made a mistake telling you. Maybe you’re too young to understand. Of course you love your dad, I know that.” I let her stroke my hair, but I was scared, so scared. I really, really didn’t know how I was going to handle this. I couldn’t cut myself in two and be with Mum and with Dad. Jonty was right, just like he’d said the other day – you can’t have both, not when your mum and dad hate each other as much as mine do. I fell asleep with Mum stroking my hair, my lovely mum, I didn’t want to lose her, I really didn’t.
The next day, we all got up reasonably early. I came downstairs and kept looking at Mum to see how she was. She sort of avoided my eyes. I knew we both felt awkward. Mum told us there was a jousting display on at Shrewsbury castle. Mum had seen it before and it had been really good so we packed a picnic and off we went. I was relieved ’cos it meant a distraction – no awkward discussions and we could at least seem like a normal family. In fact, it was a good day and Jonty especially liked dressing up in knight’s armour and having a go at wielding one of the swords. We laughed a lot and had a lot of fun. We sort of forgot all the difficulties of the last few days. Then Mum looked at her watch and said, “Gosh, it’s three o’clock, I guess we’re going to have to get back.”
Jonty started to panic. “We can’t be late for Dad, we can’t. We have to go back now.”
“No, we don’t need to rush,” said Mum. “It’s just that we need to watch the time. We’ve got plenty of time, don’t worry.”
“I need to go back now,” insisted Jonty, pacing up and down and getting really wound up. “I don’t want Dad having to wait, it’s not fair. It’s not fair on Dad.”
“Hey, come on, come on,” said Mum.
Jonty started to look really tense clenching his fists and through gritted teeth, he shouted, “I want to go home now! Can’t you hear? Can’t you listen you stupid woman? It’s not fair.”
“I don’t know what isn’t fair,” said Mum, “but I won’t have you speaking to me like that, Jonty.” Jonty glowered at her.
“Oh please, please stop, the two of you,” I interjected. I didn’t want them arguing. It was just so pointless but Mum was upset and seemed so super sensitive and anything could trigger Jonty off. If anything wasn’t fair, it was that I had to sort it all out.
Somehow, Jonty’s outburst spoiled the day. We got back home and Jonty insisted on putting his stuff in his bag and standing by the window so that as soon as he saw Dad’s car, he could give a quick ‘ta ra’ and ran off down the path. I looked at Mum and saw this sad, sad look across her face. She wiped a tear from her eye and put a big brave smile on and gave me a hug. Dad was tooting the horn and he clearly wasn’t going to get out of the car and neither did he want to hang around. “I’ve got to go Mum, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you on Wednesday.” And I rushed off down the path. Dad was his usual bright and cheery self. But I don’t know, somehow it all felt false. He wasn’t at all interested in what we’d done that day, he was busy telling us about some friend of his who had got a new puppy and would we like one? But of course it would mean that we’d need to be there to take it out. Jonty immediately said, “Yes, yes, great, that’d be fantastic.” But I don’t know, something made me feel very wary. I wasn’t sure. Yes, of course I would love a puppy, but what about Mum?
Later on, I told Dad that Mum hadn’t seemed very happy about the new arrangement and that she had said that she would have to talk to him some more. He just smiled. “Well, she would, wouldn’t she? You know secretly I think that she’s really glad that she hasn’t got you going around as much. It means she’s free to lead her own life but she likes to pretend how sad she is. All this stuff about her not having a boyfriend, it’s absolute rubbish. Of course she’s got a boyfriend, she got one nearly as soon as we’d gone. She couldn’t wait to see the back of us. She doesn’t really want you, you know, she just wants to replace you. She’s only trying to get at me by seeing you.” Those words stung. They really hurt. But I couldn’t say anything. I just gave my dad a big hug and of course he thought it was because I was pleased with the new arrangement and going to Mum’s less often, not that I was just totally lost for words and felt such a traitor to my mum for loving him so much.
The next day at school, I just couldn’t concentrate and twice Mrs Nicholls asked me a question in English and I didn’t even know what she’d been talking about. “Now come on, Hetty,” she said, “it’s not like you not to be concentrating. Whatever’s the matter?” I fought back the tears. This wasn’t something that usually happened if a teacher was a bit sharp with me but I just felt like I was going to fall to pieces. Afterwards when the class had finished and I was walking towards the door, she put her hand out and caught hold of my arm. “Hey, Hetty,” she said, “is there something wrong?”
“No, of course not, of course not.” I shrugged her off – a wave of panic rising in me and Dad’s voice drumming in my head ‘it’s our business.’
“Are you sure? Is it all right at home?”
“Yes, of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?” I snapped at her avoiding eye contact. “I need to go. I have to…” My sentence trailing off unfinished.
“It’s just that you seem really sad and preoccupied and I just wondered if everything was okay. If you want to talk, I’m here and there are lots of other members of staff that would be equally happy to talk to you.”
I pulled myself together and with a quick smile, I said, “I’m fine, I’m absolutely fine.” Dad’s words ‘this is between us, we keep it in the family; we don’t want everybody knowing our business’ rang around and around my head.
Suzie caught up with me later. “There is something wrong.”
“Of course there isn’t,” I snapped at her.
“Now look,” she said, putting her hands on my shoulders and looking me straight in the eye, “I’ve been your best friend for goodness knows how many years. We’re friends, we tell each other everything and now because something’s really wrong, you’re trying to block me out. That’s not the best way to treat a friend, is it?” I burst into tears and she put her arms around me. “Come on let’s go somewhere a bit quieter. Look, we can go to the back of the playing field; there’s nobody else around there. We can have a bit of peace.”
We’d both had lunch so we’d got plenty of time. I found it really hard to explain then I just blurted everything out. “You see, I love my mum but I think I’m scared to because if I do, then, I really don’t think my dad will want me. It was
so awful when he started to just be there for Jonty, it’s like he was pushing me away, like he was taunting me. I can’t stand the thought of losing him. My dad’s everything. I just don’t know what to do, because I can’t bear to lose my mum either.” Suzie listened.
She screwed up her face. “Mmm, that’s a hard one, Hetty, it really is. Do you think…do you think your mum is perhaps right about your dad?”
“No, of course not,” I said. But that little voice was there again ‘she is you know, she is you know’. But instead, the words I blurted out denied that. “No, no that’s not like my dad. He’s just such a lovely, lovely man. It’s not like him. He’s never been horrible to my mum.” ‘Don’t be daft. Of course he has. Don’t you remember how he used to rubbish her and make her seem worthless? You saw him, you saw him when you all lived together’. That little voice thumping away in my head. I whispered to Suzie, “I guess sometimes he was horrible to her but I love him Suzie, I can’t, I really can’t bear to lose him.”
“You mean it’s easier to lose your mum?” was her response.
“No, of course not. I was horrified to hear Suzie voice my innermost fear. I want them both, but I don’t know how to do it.”
“Well, maybe you’ll have to do like your dad says and just see her on Saturday nights and Sundays and Wednesdays after school. Perhaps that’s best for the time being, Hetty.”
“But I don’t think Jonty even wants to do that and my mum doesn’t want that. I just don’t think it’s true when Dad says that she doesn’t want to see us and she’s really pleased and she’s got a boyfriend, I just don’t think any of that is true. But I can’t tell him, can I? I can’t say anything because…”
“Because although your mum is right,” said Suzie, “you can’t disagree with your dad.” I looked at her in amazement. She’d said the words I couldn’t say. But then, it wasn’t her dad. Although she was there for me, I realised then that she couldn’t make it right, nobody could. But Carol, well she would be there, wouldn’t she? At least I knew that she’d understand and make me feel so much stronger in myself. But even she couldn’t make Dad change. She’d never get Mum and Dad to agree and Mum would do as she said and take it back to court and oh goodness – a thought flashed through my head – I couldn’t lie there, could I? I couldn’t say there that I’d seen Mum be horrible to Jonty and she had been to me…could I? I don’t know. I really, really didn’t know. Suzie put her arm around me. “Look, I’m always going to be here for you but sometimes you have to fight your own battles. I guess this is one that you’re going to have to do for yourself. Maybe you can’t have the answer you want but lying isn’t going to help anyone. In fact, just face it, Hetty – you’ve made it worse.” She gave me a hug and then it was time for us both to go off to lessons. I hated myself, I really did.
Chapter 23
The next few weeks were really difficult. I just didn’t quite know how to manage my see-sawing emotions. A bit of me wanted Mum to take it back to court, at least then I’d be able to talk to Carol. As it was, Mum and Dad had agreed arrangements at court to avoid a lengthy contested hearing so Carol wasn’t on the scene and there was no way I could get in touch with her. There was nobody else who could understand.
What happened next was a bolt out of the blue. It was about three weeks after the new arrangement had started. It was a Saturday night and Jonty had come to Mum’s and as usual was in a bit of a mood moaning that he didn’t want to stay over. He brightened up after we’d had fish and chips with Mum. Mum seemed a bit edgy, so I guess I wasn’t surprised when she said that she had something to talk to us about. I immediately felt the panic rise, what was it going to be this time? Please, please, let it be something that’s not too dreadful. “Look,” she started, “I’m finding organising arrangements about you two with your dad really difficult and I know you are struggling too. I’ve been trying to work out what’s best. Should I go back to court and get the court to make a fairer arrangement? But then, I know it seems whatever is put in place will upset D –” She didn’t finish the ‘Dad’ as I knew she had intended, but quickly added ‘someone’.
I looked at her. Her eyes, they looked empty for a fleeing second and I realised how sad and how lonely she was. And then, she went on, “Anyway, I’ve decided that it’s perhaps best if I’m not around.”
“What, what! Whatever are you saying, Mum?” My voice came out like a shrill scream and I was overcome with a sense of panic flooding over me, drowning me. “Well, not around as much as I have been,” she added.
“I don’t understand. What are you saying, Mum?” I was scared; my heart was thumping like mad. Jonty just stared at her with his mouth wide open, his eyes huge.
“I’m not finding this very easy,” said Mum, “but look, I’ve got the opportunity of having a transfer to Newcastle on Tyne. It’s a long way away from here and it means, well, we’d be able to spend lots of holiday time together. There’s a holiday every six weeks, so I think that might be easier than…” Her voice tailed off. I looked at her.
“I can’t believe you’re going to do that to us, Mum. I can’t believe it,” I said angrily. The panic had dissipated leaving a wild fury in its wake.
Mum just burst into tears. “What am I supposed to do, Hetty?” she sobbed. “Whatever I do, I can never win. Just face it, your dad isn’t going to let me.” She dabbed her eyes, sniffed and said, “Anyhow, that’s what I’ve decided I’m going to do. After all, that’s the area where I spent my teenage years. I’ve still got friends there, so we’ll just have to work something out.”
“Well, I’m not going to Newcastle ’cos it’s hundreds and hundreds of miles away and I don’t want to go anywhere during my holidays, I’m staying here, ’cos that’s where all my friends are,” said Jonty, clearly furious. “And we’ll have a new puppy and I’m not going to leave my puppy not for anybody.” He stormed out slamming the door as he stomped upstairs.
Mum just stared into the distance before saying, “Shall I make us a drink then?” Like the devastating last few moments had never happened. Was she completely mad?
I sat staring, thoughts whirring around and around my head. I couldn’t make sense of it. So Mum was just going to get up and go, dump us, forget us. Maybe she had got a boyfriend, maybe she didn’t really want us. Maybe all those things that Dad had said were true, they must be – it didn’t make sense otherwise. ‘That would be an easy way of thinking, wouldn’t it?’ whispered the little voice in my head. I batted the thoughts away but they persisted. ‘You know that’s not really true, Hetty, it’s just that you like to think it would be because that would make your dad right and that would make things easier for you’. I tried to dismiss the thoughts that were flashing in my head. I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t know what to do. If only Suzie was here, at least she would listen. She’d help me to make sense of all this.
It was much, much later in the evening when Mum came into my room and sat on the edge of the bed. “Hetty,” she said in that lovely gentle voice that she has, “shall we talk?”
“I don’t want to,” I mumbled. Of course I really wanted to but I was scared; really, really scared.
“I think it’s best if we talk,” she went on, “I guess this all came as a big shock to you.”
“Why are you leaving us, Mum? Why? I just don’t understand. What have I done? Am I so horrible – do you hate Jonty and me?”
“Oh Hetty, it’s not what you’ve done. You haven’t done anything. It’s that, well your dad and I we just can’t work anything out, I’m so sorry. If I’m really honest, I’m pretty certain your dad isn’t prepared to work anything out with me. He doesn’t really want me around, Hetty. He wants you and Jonty all to himself.”
“So you’re just going to run away and leave us? How’s that going to help?” I couldn’t look at her so I kept my head buried in my pillow.
Mum persisted, “No, of course not. It’s going to get properly decided. If your dad and I can’t work it out, then yes, I
will have to go back to court and get everything written down so that I know for certain that we’ll see each other in the holidays.”
“You mean I’ll come and stay with you each holiday?”
“Yes, of course.”
“But how’s that going to work? What’s Dad going to say? He won’t let us, I know he won’t.”
“Well, that’s for me to work out with him and for the court to tell him if he makes it difficult. I just wanted you and Jonty to know that that was my plan before I talk to your dad because somehow if it came from your dad, I’m not sure you’d have got the right message. I’m not going because I’ve got a boyfriend, I’m going because it’s too painful for any of us to carry on like it is and I love you too much to let you suffer any more. Let’s talk about it some more, but not tonight, eh? I’ve already had a chat to Jonty and I guess the two of you might want to talk to each other. That’s okay. Let’s all talk about it some more tomorrow.”
She gave me a big hug and those lovely gentle fingers stroked my hair. “Oh Mum,” I said, “I do love you.”
“And I love you too, Hetty, more than anything.” And with that, she was gone.
It was a few minutes later when Jonty crept into my bed and cuddled up to me. It was the old Jonty back, at least for tonight. “Does she hate us, Hetty? Is that why she’s going?” I tried to explain to him what Mum had said to me. It wasn’t that easy and I guess it all came out a bit muddled. But I did try to get Jonty to understand that mums and dads don’t always get things right just like Carol had encouraged us to appreciate. He was still quite adamant that he didn’t want to go anywhere for holidays, but I sort of hoped he would change his mind; Jonty wasn’t one to miss out and he did love Mum really. But, the big but was my dad. My dad could put so much pressure on both of us that he could make it almost impossible to go against him and what he’d decided was best. I couldn’t oppose him so and of course Jonty couldn’t either. Jonty fell asleep and a bit later on, I crept out of my room to crawl into his bed. Eventually, I fell into a troubled sleep and woke up the next morning feeling tired and bad tempered.