by Vicki Hinze
The anxious dam in Elle burst and tears flowed down her face.
Tim’s expression said it all. Relief, sweet and sure. He blew out a sharp breath. “What about Johnson?”
“No sign of him.”
“We’re going to have to hike around,” Joe said. “Nick’s maxed on smoke. Need to get him to fresh air.”
Elle’s nerves sizzled, like they were riding too close to her skin. “But he’s okay, right?”
She motioned for Tim to ask, and he complied. “Elle wants to know if he’s okay.”
A long hesitation set in, then finally Joe answered. “He’s a little singed—hair and, I think, hands. But otherwise, he looks okay. Well, as okay as he ever looks.”
That bit of sarcasm told Elle exactly what she needed to know. If Nick were in jeopardy now, Joe would be all business. Not a speck of sarcasm in him. She smiled at Tim, let out a nervous laugh. “He’s okay.” She silently repeated that to herself three more times, hoping it would sink in and her heart rate would slow down and the bottomless pit of fear in her stomach would settle.
“Yeah.” Tim smiled back at her. “Yeah. Let’s move out.”
They made their way back to the car. About twenty feet to the left of it, her parents squatted low to the ground in a clump of palmettos. Three empty water bottles lay on the ground beside them.
“Seen anyone?” Tim asked them.
“Not a soul.” Her dad shot them a negative nod. “Glad to see you, though. The fire looks like it’s bursting at the seams.”
“It is,” Tim said. “I take it this is your land.”
Elle’s dad nodded. “Jaycee needed a safe place in case of an emergency.” He grunted. “Turns out it wasn’t so safe after all.”
“We’re nearly there, Tim.”
On hearing Sam’s voice, Elle scanned the woods for signs of them. She saw Joe first. He was out front, carrying a limp Jaycee. “Is she…”
“Drugged,” Tim told her.
“Where’s Nick?” She tiptoed, craned her neck looking for him.
“Behind Sam. Ten yards back.”
Elle saw the wisdom in them making their way back separately but she’d expressed all the restraint she had left. She glanced at Tim. “I’m going to Nick.”
He nodded. “Go.”
“She lasted a lot longer than I expected,” her dad told Tim.
“It took effort,” Tim admitted. “She’s got discipline.”
“She’s terrified she’ll get someone else killed.”
“That, too,” Tim said. “If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never forget the fear for Nick etched in her face.”
“She still loves him.” Elle’s dad looked at her mom. “You will not interfere with them again.”
“But, Glen, I—“
“I said, not again, Daris. Never again.”
Elle rushed into a thicket and spotted Sam and Nick making their way toward her. “Nick!” He was covered in ash. His hair standing straight up and bits of brush clinging to every surface on him. His hands were wrapped in wet towels. Another was slung around his neck. Where had they gotten wet towels? What kind of facility was this bunker? She stopped on a narrow path before him. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” He looked down at her, his expression grim. “I could use some water, but otherwise, I’m okay.”
“How bad are your hands?”
“Not burned. The towels were preventative. I breathed through them.”
“Sensible. Course, not lingering would have been more sensible.”
A twinkle lit in his eyes. “Course.”
“Spar later.” Sam kept walking. “Johnson and Phoenix are out here somewhere.”
Unable to restrain herself another second, Elle rushed Nick and hugged him hard. “You scared me to death. I wish you wouldn’t do that, Nick.”
He lifted an arm and circled her back. “It wasn’t intentional.” He trembled.
She shook. “I know.” She pressed a kiss to his neck and then another, and then looked up into his face. “Thank you for getting my parents and Jaycee out of there.”
The look in his eyes remained distant. “You’re welcome.”
“And thank you for not dying.” Her voice dropped, her tone deadpan flat. “I would have been so ticked off at you if you’d gotten yourself killed, Nick.”
That distant look faded and softened and a lovely twinkle lit in the depths of his eyes. “You know, I knew that. I thought, if you mess up and die, she’s never going to forgive you. She’ll spend her eternity nagging you about it.”
Elle sent him a flat look. “You’re right. I would.”
He released her and started walking back toward the others.
She couldn’t yet not touch him. She clasped his arm. “So why did you linger so long?”
“I couldn’t see. Too much smoke.”
“How did you find Jaycee and get out then?”
“It was the oddest thing,” he said, his puzzlement tinting his tone. “There were flower petals the whole way. It was like following a gingerbread trail. Well, not whole flowers. Peony petals. I just followed them.”
Phoenix? Had to be her. She might work for NINA but she’d interceded for them—again. First the warning at the wedding, then bringing back the ring, and now this. “What do peonies mean?” Every flower meant something, and it didn’t occur to Elle that Nick wouldn’t know.
“Protection.”
“We saw Phoenix leave,” Elle admitted. “She protected you.”
“Yeah, she did.”
“Why would she do that?” Elle called the question, not at all sure if Nick would answer.
“I can’t read her mind, but she surely has her reasons.”
Cagy and vague and either he didn’t want to disclose the answer to Elle’s question or he couldn’t disclose it. Either way was fine by her. He was safe. She linked their arms. “Don't scare me like that again, Nick. My heart can’t take it.”
He frowned, and held his silence.
Elle tried not to let that reaction drag her down. He was alive and well. She was grateful—and dead certain he was nowhere near ready to take down the walls he’d built around his heart to protect himself from being hurt.
They walked on and joined the others.
Already he was pushing her away, keeping himself and his emotions apart and separate, and there seemed nothing Elle could do to stop it. The man was so terrified of being abandoned that he left first.
What he needed was to face his fear… and maybe he would. She let that notion ramble through her mind, studied it, tested it. Maybe that would crumble the walls…
She thought about it from different angles and concluded the outcome could go either way. Something would surely crumble. But would it be his walls or her heart?
The first time he’d left, she’d been a wreck for months, nursing a broken heart with no hope of it ever mending. It’d been so hard to pull herself together. To go through that again…?
Things were different. Now, she wasn’t a young woman in love for the first time in her life. She was a grown woman still in love with her first love. That made the potential for getting hurt even greater.
Big risks.
Huge risks. Question was, did she dare take them?
Chapter Sixteen
Monday, June 8th, 5:30 a.m.
The Lodge
In the kitchen of the Lodge, everyone was talking at once. The Howells, Jaycee, Tim, Joe, Sam, and Elle was making breakfast. Wounds had been tended, showers taken and fresh clothes put on. Elle had inspected Nick’s hands herself, touched his hair at least a dozen times, and issued orders to Joe and Sam like a seasoned drill instructor. Everyone ate and ate and still she kept cooking. Even Sam had refused to eat more.
“What’s up with that?” Joe asked Nick, keeping his voice low so no one else heard.
“The cooking?” When Joe nodded, Nick shrugged. “Adrenalin. Some people drink to get it down. Elle walks or cooks.”
“She’s not getting far enough away from y
ou to walk unless you go with her. So I guess she’ll be at the stove a while, then.”
“Not too long.” Nick’s emotions were all over the place on this. “Her dad’s got a chopper coming to pick them up.”
“She’s leaving?” Surprise rippled through Joe’s voice. It was mirrored on his face.
Nick’s heart hollowed. “Yeah.” He shrugged. “It’s over. Of course, she’s leaving.”
Joe took a bite of blueberry muffin and slowly chewed. “And you’re all right with that?”
He was but he wasn’t. Torn, Nick paused. He loved being around her. Seeing the world through her eyes. She always found something good to see and say, and she worried about him. He’d never had anyone worry about him before. He watched her at the stove. The way she coerced Sam into eating one more pancake. The tilt of her head, the way she danced foot to foot, the flipper in her hand slicing through the air, and the truth hit him like a sledge. He loved her.
Impossible.
No. No way.
He shunned the truth, closed his heart. No way was he going to allow himself to love her or anyone. Not now. Not ever. She’d break his heart. He’d had enough of that. His whole life, everyone he’d ever loved, ever even cared about had left him. And he’d had to deal with the fallout, the isolation and devastation, alone.
“I asked if you’re all right with that, bro.” Joe searched Nick’s eyes.
“Yeah, sure. I’ve had a lifetime of training at this.” Nick shrugged again. “That’s what people do. They leave.”
The door from the porch swung open and Lizzie ran into the kitchen. “Mama! Mama!”
Seated at the bar, Jaycee stood up and rushed to embrace her daughter. “Lizzie…”
A lump settled in Nick’s throat.
“And sometimes, bro, they come back.” Joe whispered low and deep.
“They do,” Nick conceded. “Just not in my world.”
Watching the reunion, Sam sniffed. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
Elle brushed at an errant tear. “Sometimes life’s just good, Sam.”
Nick frowned. And sometimes it was anything but… like two hours from now when Elle would walk out of his life for good.
By eleven o’clock, Jaycee and Lizzie had returned with Ben and Kelly and their baby, Susan, to the cottage at Three Gables, Tim had phoned his wife, Mandy, and filed his reports with Omega One. Joe and Sam were working contacts, including Jeff Meyer, trying to pick up a trail on Johnson. According to the fire department, he wasn’t in the bunker and the fire on the property was contained.
Elle had tried several times to talk with Nick, but he’d kept his distance. No matter what was said, she would leave with her parents, and he’d prefer she not leave knowing he’d done the dumbest thing he’d ever done in his life. It was cold comfort but, hey, he’d take whatever comfort he could get.
Just after noon, the chopper arrived and landed on the helipad between the Lodge and lake. Nick joined the other guys and walked the Howells and Elle to it.
“Thanks, Nick.” Glen Howell extended his hand.
Nick shook it, then nodded at Elle’s mother. She remained distant and removed, but he didn’t take it personally. For her, that was normal. He supposed, being a mother, she held him responsible for breaking her daughter’s heart four years ago. She’d warned Elle he wouldn’t fit in with them or their life. If she knew he’d fallen for Elle and now he’d be nursing a broken heart, would she laugh now and feel vindicated?
A moot point since she’d never know.
Elle stood before him, her jaw trembling. “Thank you, Nick. For everything.” She tiptoed and kissed him good-bye, then backed away. “Just so you know, I’ll always care enough for both of us. I did four years ago, and I do now. I always will.” She licked at her lips, as if her mouth had suddenly gone dry. “If you ever want me, you know where to find me.”
Don't believe it. Don’t. Her mother is right. You have nothing to offer her. “Good-bye, Elle.”
Pain flashed through her eyes; his words stung her. She stared at him a long second, then got onto the chopper and sat down.
Minutes later, Nick watched the bird go airborne, Elle’s face at the window, her fingers touching the glass.
Joe stepped up to him. “Why didn’t you ask her to stay? She would have stayed, Nick.”
“Dang right.” Sam grunted.
“I agree,” Tim added. “That woman loves you.”
“It would just have delayed the inevitable.” Nick sighed, watched the chopper soar over the trees and out of sight. “Sooner or later, she would have left.”
“Fool.” Sam dragged a hand through his hair.
Tim looked away. “I hate to say it, but Sam’s right, Nick.”
“Sam is not right.”
“He is,” Tim insisted. “I saw her face. When you were in the bunker, I saw the fear in her. It was the kind that only runs shotgun when someone you love is in danger. She was terrified for you. And when she heard you were okay… man, I’ve never seen anyone so relieved.”
“She got to you.” Nick glared at Tim.
“I saw what I saw—and I never want to see that kind of fear in her again.”
“Yeah, buddy.” Sam nodded. “Like it or not, we all saw what we saw.”
“Too late, Tim.” Joe cocked his head. “I already did see it again.”
The others turned to look at Joe, including Nick. “When?”
“When she turned her back on you to get in the chopper.” Joe paused, then added, “That woman loves you and she was terrified she was never going to see you again.” Joe lifted his hands. “You should have risked it, bro.”
Anger churned in Nick. “You don’t understand. None of you understand.”
“We all understand, Nick, Tim argued. “You’ve been walked out on all your life. You don’t want to love her and for her to walk out on you, too.”
“Exactly.” Certainty he’d done the right thing pounded through Nick. “You tell me to risk it, but you wouldn’t want it, either. None of you would.”
Sam nodded. “I get it.”
Finally, one of them using their brain. “Yeah?”
“Sure, buddy.” Sam looked Nick right in the eye. “You risk your life all the time. No big deal. But your heart? You ain’t risking your heart.”
“It’s not that I won’t,” Nick shot back. “I can’t.” He paused, collected himself. “I know how this ends, okay? I’ve been there. It’s always the same.”
“Interesting.” Tim crossed his arms.
“What?” Nick glared at Tim.
“You’ve got only a little to risk. I get that, too.” Tim hiked a shoulder. “But what if this time, it isn’t the same?”
Joe shrugged. “That’s a fair question, bro.”
Sam mimicked Tim. “Yeah, what if this time it ain’t? It’s possible.”
Nick grimaced. “Anything different is not possible. I told you, it always ends the same way.”
“It is possible. Ain’t nothing ever exactly the same,” Sam insisted. “It could happen.”
An emotional volcano, Nick erupted. “You’re all nuts. Get out of my face.” Nick stormed off, down toward the water. “You’re dead from the neck up—the whole crazy bunch of you.”
Sam started after him.
Tim blocked him, pulled Sam back. “Let him go.”
“So he can sulk?”
“No, Sam,” Joe answered, a twinkle in his tone. “So he can think.”
Nick heard every word…and played stone deaf. The last thing he wanted to do was think. Especially about Elle.
She was gone.
Forever, this time.
His heart squeezed tight in his chest. What kind of life would he have without her?
The kind he’d always had.
Alone.
Empty.
Abandoned…
Chapter Seventeen
Wednesday, June 10th, 8:30 p.m.
The Lodge
Darkness settled in ove
r the lake.
Nick hauled himself to his feet, sighed, then left the grassy bank and walked back to the Lodge. Unfortunately, the persistent thoughts of Elle he’d hoped to leave at the lake followed him.
Resigned to living with them for a long time, he opened the door, and stilled in surprise. The guys were still there. Even Tim.
“Good, you’re back,” Sam said from the stove. “Dinner’s almost ready.”
Smelled like chicken. Joe sprawled on one end of the long, curved sofa, watching a baseball game on the TV. “Why are you all still here?” Nick wasn’t opposed, he just didn’t expect them to hang around. The reports had been filed. The case, for them, was closed.
“I was hungry,” Sam said. “You’ve got better food than I do at the apartment, so I figured I’d cook here.”
Nick looked at Joe. “Beth’s in Atlanta,” he said. “No reason to go.”
True, but not the truth. “And you?” Nick asked Tim.
“Mandy’s cooking. I figured I’d better get something solid in my stomach before eating it. You know, to coat my stomach for protection.”
“Probably a good idea,” Nick said. He sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. They were there for him. For moral support. He wasn’t sure how to react to it; he’d never really had personal moral support before because he’d never before revealed anything personal. He liked his skeletons in the closet where they belonged. And yet there was something… comforting… about the guys hanging around for him. Something… reassuring… He didn’t have to face this alone…
That stirred emotions in him he didn’t want stirred. Already he couldn’t see his way forward. He’d cobbled together a life that worked for him, but Elle blasted that to kingdom come. What did he have now? Shattered pieces. What did a man do with shattered pieces?
Elle was gone. For good. He couldn’t go back to the darkness and undo knowing what light was like. Somehow he had to find his way back to existing. But how? In uncharted territory, he had no idea.
After living with her around, he didn’t know how to forget what it had been like. What she had been like. How could a man who had never mattered to anyone ever forget mattering most to a woman like Elle? How could he forget finally, for the first time in his adult life, feeling loved?