by Jill Valley
Gently she rests a hand on my shoulder. “Are you upset about Michael?” she murmurs. She knows exactly when the anniversary is.
“No,” I say. “I have that penned in for next week.”
“Come on,” groans Lizzy. “Tell me everything.”
So I tell her. I spare no detail. I tell her how I was trying to keep distance between JJ and me, because I don’t understand the feelings I have for him, and how I was about to explain all of that to him when he told me he and Jessie had broken up, and then he kissed me. Then I tell her how I, in my infinite maturity, ran away.
Lizzy whistles softly.
“He kissed you? No WAY,” she breathes. I can tell from the tremble in her voice that she’s desperately trying to control her emotions.
“You know that if he hadn’t just broken up with his girlfriend, and if you didn’t have Michael in your past, I’d be doing a happy dance right now?”
“Yeah, I’m aware of that,” I say. “But the fact of the matter is that I’m too screwed up and he might just be too screwed up. I mean, when is a recent ex-girlfriend supposed to be the least of a new couples problems?”
“Oh, couple, is it?” Lizzy bursts out.
I glare up at her. “You know what I mean. I’m not capable of a relationship. We know this. It was Michael or nothing.”
“It’s not fair that your life ended when you were sixteen,” says Lizzy stubbornly. “You can’t live like that.”
I sit up, dislodging my cat. “That’s the whole point!” I cry. “I don’t deserve to live, do I?”
“Stop it,” Lizzy scolds. “Of course you do. But if you need some time, you deserve it.”
“I definitely need time,” I say. “Lots.”
“No,” says Lizzy. “Not that much. JJ isn’t going to wait around forever.”
“He said he would,” I say, thinking back to the night before and shivering with heat. Lizzy notices and quirks an eyebrows at me, giving me a knowing smile.
“Yeah, well, guys like sex too much to wait forever. Trust me on that,” she says.
“You’ve always had Steven, so what would you know about what other guys need?” I demand.
Lizzy fluffs her hair. “Oh, well Steven. . . .”
“Isn’t he supposed to come for Michael’s anniversary?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says. “He said he bought his train ticket today, so he should be coming.”
“Great,” I mutter. “Under no circumstances are we going to the Remember.”
“Are you going to tell JJ that you need space?” Lizzy asks.
“I think I just need to get through Michael’s anniversary,” I say. “And that will give him a little time to think about Jessie. It wouldn’t surprise me if he went back to her.”
“HA,” says Lizzy. “He never liked her. I saw them together and he didn’t look happy. He looked like he was pretending.”
“Pretending?”
“Yeah. He looked natural with you from the first moment. It looked like he was trying to fake that with her. Besides, you’re supposed to go on a date this summer.”
Heat fills my face and I’m overcome with a desperate need to see JJ and have him wrap his strong arms around me, and to have those hands that I so love to watch moving up and down my body. . . .
Lizzy snaps her fingers in front of my face. “Earth to Nora, come back, Nora. Are you going to be able to contain yourself for the next two weeks?” She’s laughing as she says it, but I still give her a playful shove.
“Shut up,” I say, blushing more. “Of course.”
“I know,” she says, giving me another comforting pat. “But you gotta do this, and JJ, he knows your past, he knows his own troubles. He’s a good one to do it with.”
“I just don’t want Michael to think I didn’t love him,” I say, feeling tears prick my eyes. Snick, sensing my pain, starts to wash my hand, which only serves to make the tears spill out of my eyes.
“Oh, sweetie,” says Lizzy, and she leans over and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I don’t know how long she comforts me while I cry. It’s been so long since it happened that sometimes it feels crazy that I still cry, but I do. Since I saw JJ, all of these new emotions, emotions I didn’t think I could have anymore, have coursed through me. Part of me wants to stop them and part of me desperately wants them to keep going.
I take a deep breath and sit up. Snick makes an annoyed sound and jumps off the bed. I stare sadly after my cat, his tail high in the air as he walks out of my bedroom.
“I think you should try to have something with JJ,” says Lizzy. “Maybe even before Michael’s anniversary.”
“Yeah, great, sorry the first two weeks we were dating you had just broken up with your ex and I was a crying mess,” I say, giving a gurgly laugh. “That’s a real great start to a relationship.”
“At least you’re saying things like relationship,” says Lizzy, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.
“I know. I need to try to have something with him. If I ever want to have a life again . . . it’s time. Michael wouldn’t want me to be like this, even if his mom does blame me. He always wanted me to be happy. We even talk once about what we’d do if anything happened to one of us, and he made me promise I’d try to be happy regardless.”
Lizzy nods sympathetically, but there’s really nothing else for her to say.
Chapter Twenty-Five - JJ
Two weeks have gone by. It’s been two weeks since I kissed Nora. She sent me one text, telling me she needs a little time to think everything through and she’s hoping I’ll wait.
“I’ll wait forever,” I mutter to myself, but what I actually wrote to her was something a little less terrifying. I told her to just come by the Remember when she’s ready to talk. I figure giving her a public place to see me might make her more comfortable, and it wouldn’t feel like a date. I know she’d be glad about that because of how recently Jessie and I ended it.
Every night I go to the Remember hoping that tonight’s the night she’ll come in. She hasn’t. It’s ruining my mood. I have trouble concentrating and I’m short with customers.
Tonight is no different, but I have a lot on my mind. I got a late invitation to Amelia Rockwell’s wedding, an event that I know must be hard for Nora. She and the Rockwells aren’t on good terms. I wish I could talk to her about it. I wish a lot of things.
“Pay attention,” Lila cries. I’ve come to a full stop behind the bar, and she can’t get by. Lila is covered in tattoos, and she doesn’t put up with fools. I give her a wide-eyed look. In response she puts her hand on my chest and gently pushes me out of the way.
“You have lady trouble,” she says. “You should work on that.”
“Yeah,” I say dryly, glaring at her, “I should work on my ‘lady trouble.’”
She just grins at me.
“The Black Jack is hosting a CD launch party tonight,” the taller of the two women tell me. “You should go over with us.”
I’m so surprised I momentarily don’t know what to say. My mind is so far away from partying or meeting women that I can’t even make the idea compute.
“I would love to,” I say, just to be nice, “but I’m working tonight.”
“Clearly,” she says, giving me a lusty smile. I just nod and walk again. She pouts, but I know she’ll stay for a while. It will get more interesting after she’s had a couple more drinks.
I sigh and start taking glasses out of our massive dishwasher. It’s one of the things we really have to stay on top of. They can’t pile up or no one will have anything to drink out of.
“JJ,” a voice calls from behind me. Instantly the tension in my shoulders eases. Lizzy’s here. I turn around to see her and Aimee standing next to Sylvan, who has moved over a little to make room for them and is looking at Lizzy. Until that moment I’ve had no idea how Sylvan feels about Lizzy, but the way he’s looking at her, with large, intent, happy eyes, makes me start to wonder. Shaking off questions about my best friend’s
romantic interests, I pivot and hurry over to my friends.
“Hi,” says Aimee, waving. “Thought we’d stop in.”
She must see the question written all over my face.
“Ummm, actually Nora’s over at the Black Jack,” she says quietly. In the side of my vision Sylvan’s head snaps around, his eyes wide with surprise. Aimee looks anxious, and I don’t really know what to say. It’s like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
“She went with one of her co-workers, who asked her a long time ago,” says Lizzy, obviously needing to fill the silence. I just nod.
“Is her co-worker male?” Sylvan growls. Lizzy swats playfully at him.
“She didn’t want to sit at this bar with another guy,” says Aimee. “She thought it’d be weird.”
Great, everyone knows what’s going on between us.
“She’s going to text me, because she wasn’t expecting to have a great time and I told her that I’d be here.”
“And here you are,” says Sylvan, smiling up at her. “Want my seat?”
“I think those two are leaving soon,” I say, nodding toward the two guys sitting next to Sylvan, who are about to pay their bill. Lizzy and Aimee order drinks and I go to get them. My mind is a jumble of feelings. I’m frustrated, because I want to see Nora. I’m hurt that she’d go to my rival’s bar, and I have no control whatsoever over my emotions.
I have no defense against the pain and worry coursing through me.
I turn around and go back to talk to Lizzy.
“You should get her out of the Black Jack,” I say. I have to lean over the bar and yell to be heard. She’s looking at me like I’m crazy.
“It’s not safe,” I explain further.
She shrugs. “Nothing bad’s ever happened there. I mean, some bar fights, but those happen everywhere.”
“They’re short-lived here,” says Sylvan menacingly. Lizzy smiles and tosses her hair.
“I’m just saying, I think it’ll be okay. I’m sure she’ll come here afterward,” says Lizzy.
“Not necessarily,” says Aimee. “He might offer to walk her home.”
I bristle again. Lizzy notices, but Aimee keeps talking. Nora must have told Lizzy I kissed her. I know I shouldn’t have, because of Jessie and because of Nora’s fragile state, not to mention my own, but I’ve thought of nothing else since. Whenever I’m having a bad moment, a bad anything, I think of my lips on hers and it all melts away.
“He’s a really nice guy. Mark. I like guys named Mark.,” Aimee rattles on. “There’s something solid and trustworthy about them. And he really seems to like Nora. I hope he offers to walk her home, but then there’s always the stress of will he or won’t he make a move, and all I can say is that he better not.” She pauses to fluff her hair. “Nora deserves better than a guy who wants to hook up on the first date.”
“Is it hooking up if it’s a date?” Lizzy asks. She’s trying to distract Aimee from talking about this Mark guy, but Aimee isn’t having it.
“She just needs a good guy. A dependable guy.”
“Isn’t that what all women want?” Sylvan asks dryly.
“Well, I suppose,” says Aimee. “I do think some women want a sense of adventure. A guy who will sweep her off her feet.”
“I gotta go help customers,” I say. The tightening in my chest is threatening to snap me apart. Of course Nora deserves a trustworthy guy, and I’ve been everything but. Still, Aimee’s words sting. Once you realize you can’t live without someone, you desperately want to know that she can’t live without you, because otherwise you’ll die. The waiting period is torture.
The night moves and shifts. We dim the lights. More customers come, until we’re three deep at the bar. There are four of us working tonight. When I first owned the bar I did it all. I ran the place, I bartended, I even worked as a waiter. Now the Remember is successful enough so that I don’t have to do it all every night, but I still like to bartend. Most customers are regulars and they know I own the place, so if they have a problem they can see me and talk to me about it. I see who’s coming in, and if it’s drunks from the Black Jack I can help Ben or whoever is bouncing deal with them.
“JJ!” Sylvan and Lizzy are both yelling my name. I turn around and move away from four girls who were about to order drinks. Lila can help them. Lizzy is waving to me frantically.
“It’s Nora,” she says. “There’s a fight at the Remember.”
I don’t even think about it. I break into a run.
Chapter Twenty-Six - Nora
Okay, so I know what I’m doing is stupid. I shouldn’t be going out with Mark, not when my emotions are all so confused, but I still know for sure that I don’t have any for him. Love, caring, it’s supposed to make you feel things. Happiness, comfort, relief, etc. Sometimes when you love and care about someone, you also feel emotions like worry. I know my mom feels that about me. I feel nothing for Mark. I just want to distract myself from JJ.
I look at him. He’s cute enough. Aimee calls him a nerdy cute, but of course she likes the football player type, which he definitely isn’t. I’m a little nervous, because the Black Jack, far more than the Remember, is a sports bar. All the guys in here are big and burly and drunk. Mark is drunk, but none of the rest of it.
This might not have been the best choice, even if I was trying to get my mind off of the kiss with JJ and how my lips felt scorched.
To deal with my embarrassment, I have another drink.
Then I have a third. After Michael died I had real trouble eating for a while. I got help and I’m fine, but I still don’t weigh much. When Lizzy calls me a featherweight she isn’t really kidding. I can’t handle much alcohol, and I’ve already had too much.
“You should stop,” says Mark, his eyes concerned. He’s a nice guy. I couldn’t care less.
I take another sip. “Whatever,” I say. “I’m having a good night.”
Mark sits back and frowns at me.
“You okay?”
No, no I’m not, but Mark is not the guy I want to talk to about it. I want to talk to JJ. But I can’t because I didn’t go to his bar. Instead I thought it’d be a good idea to go on a date to his rival bar.
“Lizzy said you might be upset tonight, because a friend of yours died five years ago?” Mark asks, still squinting at me with concern.
I briefly close my eyes and wish I could slap Lizzy. Why, oh why, would she tell an almost stranger about Michael?
“Yeah,” I say, because I can’t express in words how painful it is. I take another drink. Mark nods sympathetically. “My grandmother died when I was three,” he says. “I was pretty upset.”
“That’s awful,” I say. I mean it, but it isn’t the same thing.
“Want to get out of here?” he asks.
“And go where?” I answer his question with one of my own. I can feel my head getting fuzzy. It’s harder to concentrate on his words.
“Anywhere,” he says. His eyes haven’t left mine.
“Um,” I say, frowning. “Maybe not? I want to keep drinking.”
I look at my glass. It’s still half full, but it’s my third and I’ve been drinking them quickly.
Mark leans away from me, frowning.
“Hey buddy, watch it,” says a voice from behind me. Unfortunately for Mark, and as it would turn out me, my date just knocked into a very large man.
When he swings out of Mark’s way he nearly bumps into me. I grab my drink to save it from being tipped over and nearly fall off my stool. My face burns with embarrassment as I try to right myself.
“What the hell, man?” Mark yells. The big guy and I both stare at him.
The guy’s beefy arms are covered with tattoos and his neck looks like a thick roll of sausage. He’s much larger than any of the football players who introduced themselves to us at the Remember.
“You ran into me,” says Mark, nearly yelling in his drunken state. I have no idea what he thinks he’s doing. Mark isn’t small, but he’s no match for this gu
y.
I gulp as the big guy turns around to glare. Getting a good side view of his neck, I see that he has a tattoo that says, “Born to die hard.”
I give Mark a nervous look. “We’re sorry,” I say, grabbing Mark by the arm. “In fact, we’re going to head out now.” I tug on Mark’s arm, but my date won’t budge.
“No,” says Mark. “He needs to apologize to you.”
“I need to what?” The big guy steps forward, getting in Mark’s face. Unfortunately, Mark doesn’t take the hint.
“I’m sorry he’s terribly sorry for almost touching me,” I say dryly. “Now let’s go.”
I throw some money down on the table and start to pull Mark away. At least he comes this time, but the guy is staring after us. Now I see that he’s with several friends, most of whom are almost as big as he is.
Now that I’m trying to walk, it’s clear that I’m not at all sober. I stumble a bit, but I manage to land on my feet and grab the edge of the bar for support.
All of the big guy’s friends are now moving, and I realize we aren’t going to get to the door in time.
“Why are you pulling me away?” Mark asks. “I’m coming to your rescue.”
“We’re going to need to rescue you in a minute,” I say breathlessly.
“Where you going?” the big guy yells.
“Leave ‘em be, Evan,” I hear another guy yell.
“Home,” I say over my shoulder. “We’re going home.”
“You do that,” yells Evan, with six of his friends at his back.
I’ve never been so terrified in my life. “Don’t let me see you back here or I won’t let you walk out so easily next time.”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at us, which is bad enough, but it’s even worse because I’m having a hard time focusing on what the guy is saying.
I’m also having a hard time walking in a straight line to the door.
Mark takes my hand. I try to pull out of his grip, but he tightens his hold. “I’ll protect you,” he says. I don’t feel right holding Mark’s hand. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do with my fingers, and his palms are sweaty.