by Jill Valley
“You can’t keep doing this,” I huff.
His bewilderment deepens. “Huh?”
“You don’t want to be with me, blah blah, fine, you broke my heart, but you can’t act like my friend, helping me and stuff. I can’t handle it. Be a man and leave me alone.” I shove some of my hair out of my face and take a deep breath.
He holds up his hands. Those hands I love! “I’m sorry I upset you at Amelia’s wedding. I know . . .” he says, and swallows. “My cat Anabella is missing. I got a call from my roommate saying she escaped again. It’s been happening all summer, and I’m out looking look for her yet again. I’m the only one she’ll come to when I call.”
I take that in. It’s not the answer I’m expecting. I know he has a cat that was his mother’s, and when she died he took it so that it didn’t have to go to the pound.
“What are you doing out here?” he suddenly demands.
“Oh, now you care about what I’m doing?” I ask hotly.
His shoulders droop. “I care more than I can express in words,” he whispers. “I care. . . .”
Before he can finish and say yet another thing I can’t handle, I say, “I’m looking for Snick.”
JJ raises his eyebrows. “Your cat gets out?”
I nod. “A lot this summer.”
“Maybe there’s a secret cat convention and they’re plotting to take over the world,” JJ jokes. I roll my eyes.
“If you ask a cat, they think they already run the world,” I say.
JJ chuckles. “Fair point. Come on then, let’s go find our cats.”
Before I can stop him he seizes my hand. I look down at our intertwined fingers, wishing I had the urge to pull away, but it’s the opposite. All I want is to be closer. I squeeze his hand and he looks at me gratefully. I could spend years having him look at me like that.
We head off down the street, taking turns calling Snick and Anabella.
“People are going to think we’re nuts,” I mutter. “Like, totally crazy.”
JJ shakes his head. “They’ll think it’s endearing. Now if we were alone, they would think we were nuts. The old cat man and the old cat woman, destined to be alone for eternity.”
I give a very unladylike snort.
“If you were a cat, where would you be?” JJ asks me.
“Curled up somewhere warm,” I say. “But I don’t know where that is around here. Snick has always just come back after hanging around the neighborhood for a while. I thought that’s where he went. Just outside to catch mice.”
“Humm,” says JJ. “What about the ledge?”
I snap my fingers. The ledge is the place where JJ took us on our date, the cozy place among the rocks. There’s a pile of soft grass there underneath a tree.
“Come on,” I say, suddenly invigorated. I tug on JJ’s arm.
The tree stands lookout over the ocean as the moon shines down, creating a path of white all the way to the ledge. I sigh. It’s the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen.
Our cats aren’t there, but I still hold JJ’s hand.
“Maybe we should wait here,” I say. “I don’t know what else to do, but I don’t want to go back to my empty apartment.”
“Okay,” says JJ. “We can wait. He sits down with his back against the tree and reaches for me, pulling me down so that I’m cuddled against his chest.
I sigh and tuck my head under his chin, but I don’t stay that way for long. My body aches to touch him, to run my hands over his arms and his chest, to find his heartbeat and feel the softness of his lips. I want him to taste me, devour me, and ignite heat throughout my body.
It stuns me to realize that I want a lot more than that. With JJ Curtis.
“Hum?” I say.
He chuckles. “You fell asleep and were muttering things.”
I sit upright with a gasp and stare at my watch. Almost half an hour has passed.
Hurriedly I try to rise, but JJ grabs my hand and doesn’t let me up.
“Stay a few more minutes,” he says, his voice filled with heat. I’m powerless to resist that voice and I cuddle against him once more.
“What about our cats?” I ask.
“Hopefully they’re somewhere having sex,” says JJ dryly.
Not in a million years would that thought have crossed my mind. I gasp in shock. “JJ,” I say sternly. “You can’t say stuff like that.”
“Why not?” he says. “They’re animals. It’s a natural act. There’s nothing dirty or wrong about giving in to those bodily desires and sating a need.”
My blush deepens even more.
“Michael and I had sex once.” It’s surprisingly easy for me to say, but I can’t imagine ever saying it to anyone but JJ.
I hear a sharp intake of breath and feel his chest rise.
“I’m sorry,” he says, kissing the top of my head. I sit up straighter, to look in his eyes.
“Why?” my voice is breaking.
“Because once is not enough with the person you love,” he says.
I nod. He understands. “It wasn’t even hard that first time,” I say. “I mean, I was nervous, but it just sort of happened.”
JJ’s hand tightens on my hip. I wonder if it’s hard for him to hear stories like this.
“I just went into it thinking he would be the only one,” I say, my voice going distant. “And then I thought he would be the only one for other reasons.”
JJ holds me close and doesn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, I push against his chest again.
“I want to find Snick,” I say. “Then let’s make out.”
He throws his head back and laughs.
“Yes, boss,” he says, giving me a mock salute.
When I say make out I’m pretty sure I mean more, like, a lot more, but I want to find Snick first.
JJ wraps his arm around my waist and we walk close together. I breathe in his fresh scent, the aftershave and something that smells like cinnamon.
“Are you smelling me?” he asks.
I blush. “Um, no?”
“I heard you sniff,” he says, pulling away just enough to look in my eyes. “And I’m the only one in close enough proximity to smell. I know my animal magnetism is hard to resist.”
“I don’t go around smelling people,” I say, trying desperately to save my embarrassment.
“I’m not talking about people,” he says, bringing his eyes so close to mine I can’t see anything but storm clouds. “I’m talking about us.”
“Is there an us?” I ask breathlessly.
“For as long as you’ll have me,” he says, touching his forehead to mine.
I stop and wrap my arms around his torso, pulling him close, needing to feel the length of his hard body against mine.
“Forever and a day,” I whisper. “Promise.”
“Promise.”
We’re almost to my apartment and I don’t know how long we’ve stood like that when something rubs against my leg and I yelp. I see JJ’s eyes go wide until we both realize what’s happened.
Here are our cats, both of them, looking at us like we’re doing something wrong.
“When we get married,” says JJ, “we need to invest in a good dog.”
I just giggle.
“Wait,” I say, holding up my hand and trying to take it in. “Our cats have been going on dates all summer?”
“I guess they figured it out sooner than we did,” he says hoarsely. His eyes fill with pleading.
Despite myself I giggle. Our cats look so content together. They are both black and white, so you can’t tell where one starts and the other finishes. It’s just a pile of fluffy cat fur.
“Our cats are courting,” I say, watching them.
“Courting?” JJ asks, quirking an eyebrow at me.
I blush. “Dating somehow sounds wrong.”
“They’re cats,” he says. “They can’t understand us.”
“I’m shatteringly happy,” I whisper. “I don’t want anything to ruin it.”
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br /> “That’s up to us,” he says. “It’s funny, because I don’t feel shattered. For the first time in my life I feel completely whole.”
“Well, that’s the glue,” I say. “It’s just an illusion.”
He laughs. I feel the chuckle rumble in his chest, and I flush from happiness. “You have the strangest sense of humor of anyone I’ve ever met,” he says.
I glare at him. “Is that a bad thing?”
He kisses me softly and soundly. That whole knees going weak thing? Yeah, that really happens. “Nope. I don’t know what I did so right to deserve you and I don’t care. I have you and I’m never going to let you go.”
“I’d like to see you try,” she says.
Chapter Thirty-Eight - JJ
The next day we’re sitting back at her place on the couch, talking about being together. It’s the easiest conversation I’ve ever had. I’ve told her that I’ll get Melissa to run the bar for the year and join her in upstate New York. It’s not ideal, but we’ll come back to Portland for summers and breaks. The bar is a lot quieter in the winter months anyway. The thought of being separated from her, even for a few months, is unbearable to me.
She pauses, thinking. I love how she bites down on her lower lip when she’s preoccupied. I just have to hope that the flush on her cheeks is a happy one.
“We have to talk,” she says. “You have to tell me what happened with your mom. In detail. That’s the only way we can make this work.”
I take a deep breath and nod. I’ve given my friends headlines, but I’ve never really talked to anyone about it. I’ve kept it bottled up inside, because if I let it out . . . I just don’t know what might happen. Until now.
I tell Nora everything. She sits and holds my hand as I tell her about my mom and my dad and how it spiraled out of control. My mom tried to protect me and she couldn’t. The night I came home she had tried to get me to stay away, but it was her birthday and I came home to surprise her.
“My dad was beating her,” I say, remembering. There was a time when I couldn’t get the images out of my head. “She was screaming, then she saw me. My dad made for me, but first he hit her. . . .” I pause. “It wasn’t very hard, but it sent her backward, into the fireplace.”
Nora covers her mouth with her free hand.
“My dad was drunk, of course,” I say. “He didn’t realize that I wasn’t a kid anymore. I spent my summers working at a bar, moving barrels, breaking up fights. He was no match for me anymore.” JJ sighs. “Sometimes I wonder, if I hadn’t come home. . . .”
Nora is there. “No,” she says. “You can’t do that to yourself, can you? It ruins you.”
I nod. I know she’s right. And if anyone should know, it’s Nora. I let go of her hand and hear her grunt, but I’m only shifting positions to sling my arm around her shoulder and pull her close. She makes a contented noise and snuggles closer.
“We buried her in Portland,” I say quietly, my voice filled with a sadness I can’t contain. “My grandfather made sure that happened. He paid for it and I know it cost him a lot of money, but he wouldn’t hear of anything else. Would you, could you see yourself . . .” I trail off, not knowing how to ask for what I need.
“Yes,” she says. “I’ll go there with you.”
I look desperately at her. “I’m sad,” I say quietly. “I’m scared. Can you help me?”
Her eyes fill with something I can’t name, but I’ve never been so relieved in all my life to see it. Telling Nora that I’m scared and I need help is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m never the guy who needs help. I’m the guy who’s strong for everyone. Nora especially I want to be strong for, and now here I am, begging her to wrap her arms around me. I don’t deserve her, but boy do I need her.
I can’t say anything more right now, but I take her hand.
We don’t leave right away, or together. She says there’s something she needs to do first, and she’ll meet me there. I’m confused, but I’m so emotionally spent I agree.
I meet her at the cemetery just as dusk is falling. The sky is a stunning array of pinks, purples, and oranges. My mother would have loved it.
Her grave is simple and I sit by it, taking deep breaths, waiting until my reason to breathe arrives.
I see her coming across the green grass and a smile breaks over my face. She’s holding flowers.
“Flowers,” she says, smiling so gently my heart aches. “Bunches of flowers are the prettiest thing.”
She hands me some and I lay them down together, then I pull her into my arms.
“Bunches,” I chuckle. She looks up at me and I’m knocked breathless by the expression on her face. Is there any greater honor than a girl like this looking at me like I’m her tomorrow?
“I love you,” I whisper. “I love you, Bunches.”
She giggles and snuggles closer.
For the first time in years I’m content. We’re content together.
The End