by Lulu Pratt
I decide to meet him at the park because it’s safe and neutral. It’s not my home or his, and it’s not a restaurant or a bar so that it looks like a date. It’s just a casual meeting for a talk, and it can go either way. A moment later, he replies.
Thank you. I’ll see you later.
I’m suddenly nervous again. I don’t know what to expect with Graham. I’m still upset with him, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop a part of me from liking him. I hope that it doesn’t affect how I feel when I see him tonight.
***
After work I make my way to Baldwin Park. In the summer, the park is green, and the playgrounds are full of kids, but now, it’s almost completely deserted, save for one or two couples enjoying a late stroll. The weather is chilly, and I shiver in my thick coat. Graham’s car is already in the parking lot when I pull up and get out.
He’s waiting for a me a bit farther into the park. Patches of snow cover the scenery here and there, and the evergreen trees make it look cheerful despite the cold. When Graham turns around and his eyes meet mine, my stomach erupts in butterflies. I will always have this reaction around him, I realize. No matter how upset I am with him.
I don’t know how upset I am anymore, anyway.
“Thank you for meeting me,” Graham says when I finally reach him. He doesn’t try to hug me or kiss me on the cheek or anything, and I’m relieved. I wouldn’t know how to act.
“How is your sister?” I ask.
“Britney is all right. Thank you for asking. She’s got a long road ahead of her still, but we’ll get there eventually.”
I nod. I don’t know what to say.
“Sarah,” Graham starts. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. What I did was completely wrong. It came from a good place. I was worried about Britney and the kids. If he keeps hurting her, I don’t know how I’ll handle it. But what I did to you was wrong, and I wished every moment of every day I handled it differently.”
Graham looks emotional. It looks like he starts to tear up, but he turns his head away and blinks. When he looks back at me, there’s no trace of it, so I’m not sure if I was right. I’m surprised by his emotions, though. This doesn’t look like a man who lied just to ensure I didn’t pull away from him. This doesn’t look like a man who just wanted to sleep with me.
“How long have they been married?” I ask.
“Almost ten years,” Graham says
“And she’s been going through this all that time?”
Graham purses his lips tightly together and nods. My stomach flips, and I can start to understand why he did what he did.
“I don’t understand why you couldn’t just talk to me about it,” I say. “It’s terrible, and I feel for you. I can see why you chose my place for them. But why did you lie?”
Graham breathes out with a shudder, as if he’s holding in too much tension. “I don’t know,” he says. “At first, I didn’t want you to know I was your landlord, so we could have a normal relationship. When I decided to evict you…” He swallows hard. “You looked so upset, I didn’t want you to hate me. And after that, it just got bigger and bigger, and the longer I waited, the harder it got.”
I nod and look out over the park, the deserted playground, and the evergreen trees that stand around us like silent spectators, watching the drama unfold. It’s starting to get dark, and the lamps have come on, casting yellow light like halos into the dimming light.
“I was wrong, Sarah. I know that. There are so many ways I could have done it differently. I go through them every day. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. But now, I would just love a chance to make it up to you.”
I glance at Graham. “How?” I ask.
He takes a deep breath, and he looks like there might be a little bit of hope, now that I’m asking.
“I want to help you find a place to stay, a place of your own. I know how hard it is this time of year, and you’re working. I want to help.”
Again, Graham doesn’t come across as someone who lied to me for personal gain, and I’m starting to believe that he really is as sorry as he says he is. Everything about him is sincere and kind. It has been from the start. It’s what made me feel for him in the first place.
“Okay,” I say. “If you can help me find a place, I’ll consider trying again.”
Graham smiles. “That’s all I ask,” he says. “Thank you.”
I nod at him. My phone beeps, a text from Monica, probably.
“I have to go,” I say.
“Of course. Thank you for meeting me.”
We walk together to our cars, and I get in mine first. When I drive off, I have no idea what to think or feel anymore. Graham continues to be nice, even though he hurt me badly, and I don’t know how to be angry with him anymore. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing.
Chapter 42
Graham
“How did it go?” Britney asks me when I go over to her place for dinner. She cooked a full meal, and the kids are complaining about eating their veggies.
“Well, you don’t have to eat your veggies,” I say to the kids.
Britney glares at me.
“But then your mom and I are going to have to eat the dessert by ourselves.”
She smiles. The kids all groan, but they eat their veggies, and I turn my attention back to my sister.
“It went all right. She was willing to listen to me, which is a step forward. I told her I was sorry.”
Britney nods. “That’s a good start. I’m glad you met with her.”
“Me too.”
We focus on getting the kids to eat, and after dinner, I produce the ice cream and chocolate syrup I brought with me. When the kids take their bowls to eat it in front of the TV, I help Britney clear the table.
“So, what now?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I offered to help her look for a place to make it all up to her, and she agreed she’ll try again because of it. It’s a compromise of sorts.”
Britney runs hot water in the sink to start the dishes. “It’s a start,” she says. “I’m glad it’s come this far. I like that there’s a possibility of working things out. I hate seeing you so down in the dumps over something.”
I shrug. “I don’t know if anything is going to come of it, in the end. I’m nervous to get my hopes up.”
“Hope is all you can have, Graham,” Britney says. “Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.”
I smile at my sister. “I appreciate your advice,” I say to her. “It’s because of you that I didn’t just give up.”
“I guess I can say the same for you,” Britney says. “I’m going to the courthouse later to file the divorce papers and get the process in motion.” She takes a deep, shuddering breath, like just saying the words terrifies her.
I pull her against me. She trembles lightly against me, and I know how hard this must be for her.
“It’s ironic, isn’t it?” she asks. “That just as your life starts, mine is falling apart?”
I don’t tell her that her life was falling apart for a very long time.
“It’s going to be okay. No matter what, it’s you and me, okay? And to be honest, your life isn’t falling apart now. It’s starting again, too. Soon, you and the kids will be free.”
Britney nods, and I let her go. I’m relieved that she’s going through with it. It’s going to be hard, and I know it will be a big emotional burden for me to carry to get her through this, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my sister. And if Sarah and I sort it out, maybe she can be a friend to Britney as well. My sister has so few of those. James has isolated her from everyone she used to talk to.
“I don’t know if my life is starting, as you put it,” I say, trying to turn the topic back to me so that Britney won’t look so nervous.
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“After all of this, I don’t know how she feels about me. We spent time together, and I’m serious about her, but it’s not exactly
enough to be in love with someone. Not usually.”
“What are you talking about? She loves you.”
I shake my head. “I can hope for that, but I can’t know for sure.”
“Don’t be silly,” Britney says. “She was angry enough never to see you again, but instead, she chose to meet with you. Why would she do that if she felt nothing? And she wouldn’t have had an issue with staying at the cabin again if she didn’t feel something. She’s feeling all these emotions because at the core of it, I’m sure she loves you.”
I frown at my sister. Surely, she can’t draw that conclusion from all of that?
Britney laughs lightly.
“I don’t know if that’s something I have the courage to hope for,” I say. If I get my hopes up and believe something that might not be true, I might get hurt.
After we sort out the kitchen and tuck in the kids, I go back home. I offer to go with Britney to the courthouse, and she agrees. I want to be there for her during this difficult time, and I don’t want her to change her mind. She needs to put this into motion as soon as possible so that she can finally be free of him.
When I lie in bed much later, I think about what Britney said about Sarah loving me. Could it be possible that everything she’s doing is because she loves me, and not because she hates me? Looking at it from this angle puts it in a different light. The more I think about, the more sense it makes. Why would she run away from me if she didn’t care? Why would she avoid me, or be so angry, and refuse to live in the cabin when it’s a place that will get her off her sister’s couch?
The pieces fall into place, and it all make so much more sense now. Because I’m not just attracted to her. It’s not just infatuation or a little crush. I realize how she feels about me is important because I love her. I’ve fallen for her completely, and now, I feel that nothing will make me happy if I’m not with her.
Tomorrow, I’m going to the courthouse with my sister. After that, I’m going out and looking for a place for Sarah. I don’t want to find her any place for the sake of having a place to stay. I want a place she will like, a place with space for her to really live and decorate, and that’s close enough to the school where she works. A place with a garden because she like the outdoors.
I want to get her the perfect place. Other men buy women flowers when they want to make up for something they did wrong. I’m going to get her a house, a home.
Excessive? Not at all. I don’t think it’s too much. She needs a home, and she should stay somewhere that works for her, that makes her feel happy, safe and secure.
I want to do something for her that shows her how much I care, and nothing smaller than the perfect home will do. What’s becoming of me? I was a man who didn’t use to care about women’s feeling at all, who slept around, took what I wanted and moved on. I was independent and free with a direction in life that didn’t include a woman.
Everything has changed. I guess that’s what happens when you meet the woman of your dreams, the one who will make you happy beyond a doubt.
I changed because I love Sarah, and I’m going to do everything in my power to win her back because I don’t want to live without her.
Chapter 43
Sarah
On Friday night, Monica insists we go out. I don’t feel like going out into public, but Monica tells me I’ve been moping around the house too much. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m letting this whole thing with Graham get to me more than I should. So, I get dressed and put on fresh make-up after being at the school all day.
“Does this look okay?” I ask, walking to Monica where she is waiting for me at the door.
“You look fine. It’s just a bar.”
I shrug. I know it’s just a bar, but when I feel as down as I do, getting dressed up always makes me feel better. Or at least, it did. It’s not doing much for me tonight.
We drive to the bar in silence. Monica switches on the radio, and the music is upbeat, but I don’t like it.
“Come on, Sarah,” Monica says. “You have to decide to move on from this for it to actually work. You can’t let it get to you this much. Unless, you feel more for the guy than you’ve been letting on.” She glances at me.
I keep my face turned to the passenger window. Of course, I feel a lot more than I’ve been letting on, but I don’t want to admit to that. A part of me feels that if I admit that I’m still in love with him after everything he’s done, I’ve fallen for a man who can hurt me again. I don’t want to walk down that road.
“You know,” Monica says when I don’t answer. “It’s not a crime to try again.”
I don’t know if she means after Jacob or giving Graham a second chance. I guess it doesn’t matter. Either way, it would be me putting my heart on the line, as if I haven’t already.
“I’m sorry I’m in such a bad mood,” I say. “It’s just a lot for me to deal with. I promise, tonight I will try to be a little bit more cheerful. We haven’t been out together in so long. Usually, I’m the one watching Lindsay while you and Larry go out. This is a nice change.”
Monica nods without saying anything.
When we pull into the parking lot and the place looks packed. We can hear the music all the way from the building, and I see people moving in the windows. I don’t know if I feel up to so many people, but I promised Monica I would be a sport, and she’s right. I can’t let this get to me forever. It’s time to pick myself up and carry on with my life.
When we walk in, I see him. Graham stands at the bar, his back to us, but there is no doubt it’s him. My stomach turns, and I look to Monica.
“Did you know about this?” I ask.
“Know about what?”
I shake my head. Monica is too calm about this. “You set this up, didn’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Monica says, but she knows exactly what I’m talking about, and she’s smiling tenderly at me.
“Why?” I ask. “I don’t want to see him.”
Monica rolls her eyes. “We all know you do.”
I opened my mouth to argue with her, but I know she’s right. I do want to see Graham. After he explained everything to me at the park, I wanted to be mad, but I can’t find anything wrong about the way that he acted, except for the fact that he lied to me. Everything else he did was because he’s a nice guy. More than nice. He’s a great guy. And I want to speak to him, I realize.
“I’m just going to sit at that table over there,” Monica says as if she knows I’ve made up my mind. I nod and walk to the bar. Graham still hasn’t seen me, and I have the element of surprise on my side. It makes me calmer. When I know what to expect, I don’t tend to run and hide in restrooms.
“Is this seat taken?” I ask, pointing at the bar stool next to Graham. When he looks up and sees me, shock registers on his face.
“No, not at all,” he stammers.
I sit down and order a drink from the bartender, who comes to me almost immediately. Graham, being the gentleman he is, offers to pay. I let him. A man should never be shut down for trying to impress a woman.
“I’m not stalking you,” Graham blurts out. “This is purely coincidence.”
I shake my head. “Don’t worry. I know this isn’t your fault. I have a sneaking suspicion our sisters arranged this. Did you happen to mention to Britney where you were going tonight? Monica is over there.” I point at the table where she sits, and she lifts her hand in a small wave when Graham looks at her. He looks back at me, pleasantly confused.
“Thank you for the drink,” I add when it arrives.
Graham nods and pulls his glass of whiskey closer. “Thank you for being here,” he says.
He doesn’t add that he wanted to spend time with me for a while, but I can see it on his face. It’s endearing to know that he is that serious about me, that he hasn’t given up when he’s had plenty of opportunity to.
“So, how have you been?” I ask. The best place to start in an awkward situation is by making small talk. I
t was better than silence at least.
Graham sips his whiskey.
“I’ve been all right. Things are going better. I went with Britney to the courthouse this morning. She filed for divorce.”
“Oh, my God. That’s great news. I mean… it’s not good that any of this is happening, but I’m glad she’s gotten this far. Is she okay?”
Graham nods, smiling. “I think she will be.”
Things seem to be going better now. His sister is getting away from her abusive husband, Graham and I are talking again, and he’s going to help me find a home.
And we’re sitting at a bar, having drinks together like old friends.
“How about you?” Graham asks.
I shrug. “Things haven’t exactly changed much for me, but there’s hope.”
I smile at Graham.
“How about shots?” he offers, and I agree because I can’t think of a reason not to. When Graham orders tequila, he offers me lemon and salt. I go through the routine, and we throw back our tequilas. The alcohol burns through my veins, and it feels good. I like the fiery feeling inside of me. It feels good to let go and relax for a change.
“Here’s to a belated New Year’s,” Graham says and lifts his glass in a toast.
I clink my glass against his, and just like that, everything feels the way it used to between us. Graham and I are suddenly close again, and it’s like everything that happened between now and Christmas was a bad dream. When I look at Graham, I see the man I’ve fallen for, with his oceanic eyes, his chiseled jawline, and dark hair to frame it all. He’s the handsomest man I’ve ever met, and I know it’s the alcohol talking, but I can’t help it.
I love him.
I love him, and I missed him. I missed spending time with Graham. The few days in the cabin were surreal, but they were a taste of what I want my life to be like, and I know now that I want Graham. I want to be with him.
Chapter 44
Graham
I’m with Sarah at the bar, and we’re drinking together. It’s almost impossible to believe. It was only yesterday that I wasn’t sure if I would ever see her again, and now, she’s here, getting drunk with me on memories and tequila. I can’t ask for a better way to end my week.