by Susan Lewis
As the door closed behind him she felt an unbearable panic rise up inside her. She had to go after him, she just had to. She started to run, then stopped. She turned round, clasped her hands to her head and began sobbing again. ‘No, no, no,’ she cried. ‘Please, no. This can’t be happening. I can’t bear it.’
Sherry was settled in for the evening, curled up in an armchair, a balmy night air drifting in from the river, and a favourite CD playing softly in the background, when the phone started to ring.
Reaching behind her, she scooped up the receiver. ‘Hi, are you back in London now?’ she said, certain it was Laurie calling to set a time to meet in the morning.
There was a pause before the voice at the other end said, ‘Yes, but I think you could be mistaking me for someone else.’
She was suddenly very still. Even if he’d spoken only one word, she’d have known it was him. ‘Nick?’ she whispered.
‘How are you?’
She took a breath. Oh my God, it was actually him. She’d imagined this call a thousand times in the last week, but only now did she realize that she’d never really dared believe it would come. ‘How did you get my number?’ she said, feeling the delayed reaction of her senses starting to kick in.
‘From Elliot Russell. Do you mind?’
‘No. No, of course not. He told me you were in town.’ She was trying desperately to think of something to say, anything that would sound at least halfway intelligent, but her thoughts were moving headlong into chaos and she was starting to shake.
‘I’m going to be here a while,’ he told her. ‘I was hoping we could meet up.’
‘Yes. Yes of course.’ Well done, Sherry, on the scale of cool you’ve just scored a humiliating zero. ‘Let me check my diary. When’s good for you?’
‘Any time. Friday?’
‘Yes, Friday looks good.’ She hadn’t even reached for a book. ‘Would you like to come here? We could have a drink, and maybe go to one of the restaurants nearby.’ Oh God, what if he hadn’t meant dinner?
‘Sounds perfect. Now all I need is your address, and I’ll come by, shall we say around seven?’
A few minutes later she was standing next to the phone, her hand still on it as she stared at nothing in a daze. She wasn’t entirely sure now what she’d expected if he called, but this was definitely qualifying for one of her wildest dreams. She was actually going to see him on Friday – today was Monday – and she wished to God Rhona was next door, because she was absolutely going to burst if she didn’t tell someone. She was on the verge of calling Anita when the phone rang again.
She stared down at it. What if it was him, having second thoughts? For God’s sake, Sherry, pull yourself together.
‘Hello?’ she said anxiously into the receiver.
‘Sherry. It’s Laurie …’
‘Laurie!’ she cried, seized by relief and euphoria. ‘What amazing timing. I’ve just heard from Nick. We’re meeting on Friday.’
‘Oh, that’s great,’ Laurie mumbled. ‘I’m really pleased for you. How is he?’
Sherry paused. ‘Are you all right?’ she said, frowning. ‘Have you been crying?’
‘Oh Sherry,’ Laurie choked, unable to hold it back. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean …’
‘Laurie, what is it? What’s happened?’
‘It’s Elliot … He’s … called off the wedding.’
There was a moment’s stunned silence before Sherry said, ‘Are you at the flat?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m on my way.’
It was now the early hours of the morning. Laurie’s face was a ghostly mask in the semi-darkness, her eyes staring blindly into nothing. She looked completely worn out, and would, Sherry guessed, soon be able to sleep.
It had been a while since either of them had spoken. They were simply sitting quietly now, stilled by creeping exhaustion, numbed by the shock of what had happened.
Laurie looked down at her empty glass and felt the dread of it all rising up in her again. While waiting for Sherry she’d called Elliot’s mobile and left a message, but he hadn’t called back. Did he have any idea how much that hurt? Did he care? She was sure he did, but somehow that made it worse. She pictured his face, tried to read his mind, went over and over all they had said. Then the thought of what it would be like the next time she saw him tore at her heart, for it was a scenario that consisted of two strangers dismantling their lives, breaking it all apart to go their separate ways.
Sherry looked at her.
‘Why do we do this?’ Laurie said dully. ‘Torment ourselves with just how awful things are going to be?’
‘I don’t know,’ Sherry answered. ‘But if you can stop, it’ll help you to get through the next few hours much easier than if you keep doing it.’
Laurie tried to smile.
‘You’ve got no idea what’s going to happen next,’ Sherry reminded her. ‘You don’t even know what tomorrow’s going to bring, so somehow you have to just focus on now.’
‘Except now’s not so great either, is it?’ Laurie responded, rubbing her hands over her eyes. ‘I’m so tired, but I don’t think I can sleep. I just want to sit here waiting for him to come back, even though I’m terrified he won’t.’
‘Well, probably not tonight, anyway,’ Sherry said.
Laurie’s eyes were wide like a child’s as she watched Sherry get up and stretch out her limbs. ‘Are you going?’ she said.
‘No. I was just thinking, why don’t I get a couple of blankets? We can sleep here, on the sofas.’
Laurie’s heart recoiled from the horror of why it was necessary, though she was grateful to Sherry for understanding how hard it would be for her to go to bed tonight. ‘I can’t believe that it’s really going to end,’ she said, her voice starting to shake. ‘It’s not, is it? Please tell me it isn’t. We’re so much a part of each other’s lives. How can he just walk away like that?’
‘He might not,’ Sherry answered. ‘He could just need some time to think, to come to his senses and realize you really are who he wants.’
Laurie looked away. The fact that he could be in any doubt was maybe what hurt most of all, for she’d truly believed he loved her as much as she loved him. ‘Why hasn’t he called back?’ she said. ‘I left a message …’
‘He’ll call tomorrow, I’m sure.’
Tears began filling her eyes again. ‘How am I going to tell my parents? I’m dreading it. They’re going to be as upset as I am, and I don’t know if I can cope with that.’
‘You’re tired now,’ Sherry reminded her. ‘You’ll feel better when you’ve had some sleep. I’ll go and get those blankets.’
As she went, Laurie curled up on the sofa and held herself tight, until the thought of him in Chris’s apartment, alone, without her, made her suddenly sit up again. She couldn’t lie there with the pain of it, she had to move around, as though she could somehow escape it.
She was standing at the window when Sherry came back, staring out at the night. ‘You’ve been through this,’ she said quietly. ‘Please tell me what I have to do …’
‘Come on,’ Sherry said. ‘We can talk again in the morning.’
‘You give all this advice,’ Laurie reminded her. ‘You tell people how to deal with their pain …’
‘Ssh,’ Sherry interrupted, and gestured for her to sit down. ‘It’s a little advice column, nothing to be taken too seriously.’
‘But you know,’ Laurie said. ‘You’ve been there. You’ve had to deal with so much yourself. The death of your parents. Nick leaving you … Tell me again what he said when he rang.’
‘Tomorrow,’ Sherry insisted. ‘I’m much too tired even to think about it now, and so are you.’
Later, with the lights turned off, they both lay under their blankets, eyes closed but neither of them sleeping yet. Sherry listened to the uneven sound of Laurie breathing, and could almost feel her fear. The irony of Nick’s return to her own life, while Laurie was having to contemplate the nightmare of
Elliot’s departure from hers, wasn’t lost on her, though she didn’t want to believe that would happen. Elliot might just wake up in the morning and realize what a monumental mistake he was about to make. She hoped to God he did, because she knew from experience that the kind of pain Laurie would suffer if he didn’t was so devastating that it was a miracle anyone ever got through it. Somehow they did, usually with the help of close friends and family, which was why Sherry was here now, and would be for as long as Laurie needed her.
After a while she realized Laurie had finally fallen asleep, so she turned her thoughts back to Nick, and smiled into the darkness at the wonderfully warm glow it gave her inside. She knew time should have lessened her feelings, but after hearing his voice tonight she didn’t think it had. She had to remind herself, though, that in many ways he was a stranger now, made familiar by memories and dreams, but a stranger nonetheless. It was hard to think of him that way though, for it simply wasn’t how he felt. His dark moody eyes, his deep melodic voice, his wit, his charm, his readiness to take on any challenge, or to help anyone in distress … He was a unique and fascinating man whom, in her heart, she felt she knew almost as well as she knew herself. No, he could never be a stranger.
Gazing into the silvery moonlight pooling around the room, she let her mind slip back to those wonderful balmy California nights, the flicker of candlelight in a secluded garden and the buzz of crickets in the darkness. To the Hawaiian dancers in a tropical sunset; waves washing gently over their feet as they strolled and kissed; waterfalls crashing into rock pools as they swam. She could hear him laughing and sighing with pleasure, could feel the touch of his hand on hers, the whisper of his breath on her cheek … Then her eyes closed as a dark cloud seemed to threaten her happiness, and fear began tightening her throat. So much time had passed, so many things had changed, could they really go back? She didn’t possess the kind of will-power it would take not to try, but it was going to open up so much, so very much, and if it didn’t work out how was she ever going to bear losing him again?
It was a little after nine when Laurie woke up, slowly, groggily at first, until with a horrible, sickening jolt everything came rushing back. ‘Oh no,’ she groaned, turning her face into the pillow.
‘I won’t ask how you’re feeling,’ Sherry said from the kitchen, ‘I can guess. All the vodka won’t have helped, either.’
‘You’re right about that,’ Laurie said, throwing off the blanket and swinging her legs to the floor. ‘How did you sleep?’
‘OK. I’ve just been downstairs to get some croissants and coffee. Are you up for it?’
‘The coffee, yes. I don’t think I can eat anything.’
Sherry didn’t press it, she knew food was the last thing anyone wanted at a time like this, but later she would insist, because no way was Laurie going to be able to handle anything with her physical energies down. Stamina and practical thinking were called for now, and though Laurie might believe herself incapable of either, Sherry was here to remind her she wasn’t.
‘I don’t suppose he’s called,’ Laurie said, as Sherry brought her coffee round.
‘It’s still quite early,’ Sherry replied.
As Laurie took the coffee she could feel herself starting to break up inside. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Oh God, what a mess. I’m so pathetic …’
‘Not pathetic,’ Sherry responded gently. ‘You’re still in shock, and it’s better to let it out, so cry all you want.’
Laurie smiled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Thanks for being here,’ she said. ‘I’d probably throw myself off the roof if you weren’t, but suicide’s not something I should joke about, is it? Not in my family. Oh God, here I go again,’ she said as more tears welled up. ‘Am I ever going to stop?’ The thought of Lysette was overwhelming her now, and waking up with this awful disruption in her life was making everything worse, because she shouldn’t be sitting here with Sherry like this, it wasn’t what happened in the morning. Elliot should be here, poring over the papers or talking on the phone. Oh God, where was he? What was he doing now?
Sherry sat quietly with her own thoughts, still trying to decide the best way to handle this. Of course, there was always a chance it would work out and he’d come back, but if Elliot really meant what he’d said, that he didn’t love her the way he should, then they had to face the fact that he probably wouldn’t return. It was the negative aspect that Sherry had somehow to prepare Laurie for, because the positive needed no help, but how on earth did you ever prepare anyone for the fact that she was about to go through hell? She had no real answer to that, though she did know that right now shock and denial would be providing their own form of assistance. It was like a dance, she thought, or a grotesque pantomime, the good guys and the bad guys, hope and strength versus fear and despair. In a week or two the bad guys would be dominating the stage, which was when things would really get tough. In other words, it might be bad now, but if Elliot didn’t come back it was going to get a whole lot worse.
However, anything could happen between now and then, so deciding to deal just with the present, Sherry said, ‘After you’ve had a shower and made yourself presentable, we should work out what you’re going to do today.’
Laurie shrank back. ‘I can’t do anything until I’ve spoken to Elliot,’ she protested.
‘OK, then we’ll put that top of the list. Call Elliot.’ She made it sound as though she were writing it down. ‘What are you going to say?’
Laurie started. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it yet. I suppose I should ask if we can meet and talk.’
‘Why not tell him you want to talk?’
Laurie looked uncertain, until a glimmer of humour broke through the doubt. ‘OK. I’ll tell him,’ she said. ‘What next?’
‘You need to decide what you want to talk about.’
‘Well, us, of course.’
‘What about you?’
Laurie frowned. ‘What’s happening. What we’re going to do.’ Her heart twisted – she was already talking as though he wasn’t coming back.
‘I’m just trying to make you see that you don’t have to be the victim here,’ Sherry said. ‘You can take charge. Let him think that you’re willing to go along with what he wants …’
‘But I’m not.’
‘I know, but if you make a show of accepting his decision, and let him think he’s doing the right thing, there’s a very good chance he’ll start to doubt himself.’
Laurie had to take a moment to think about that. ‘You mean if I allow him to leave me, he won’t want to.’
‘Possibly. You know what they say about setting someone free if you want them to come back.’
Laurie looked decidedly dubious.
‘All right, I can see we need to take this more slowly,’ Sherry smiled. ‘So why don’t we start with the shower?’
‘What about the phone call? Can’t I make that first?’
‘If you like.’
Laurie reached for the phone, horribly aware of the mayhem that had started up inside her. ‘I just tell him I want to talk?’ she said, looking at Sherry.
Sherry nodded. ‘Don’t get into anything else.’
‘Can’t I ask him how he is? How he slept?’
Though Sherry wanted to say no, she realized it was too harsh, too soon. ‘OK,’ she relented. ‘Just try not to get emotional.’
At that Laurie stopped dialling and laughed. ‘You’re not serious, I take it.’
‘I am, but I can see I won’t win.’
Laurie was still laughing, despite the tears that were blurring her eyes. ‘Oh God, why is this even necessary?’ she wailed. ‘Why isn’t he here?’ A moment later his voicemail picked up the call. ‘Shall I leave another message?’ she said as the message played.
‘OK.’
‘Hi, it’s me,’ Laurie said into the phone. ‘Can we …’ Her eyes flicked to Sherry. ‘I want to talk. Please call me.’ Only as she rang off did she realize how hard she wa
s shaking. ‘How was that?’ she said.
‘Not bad.’
‘I should have told him I loved him.’
‘You should get in the shower.’
Laurie took a breath and let it out slowly. ‘The shower,’ she repeated, feeling the memories of things that had happened even in that small room starting to crowd in on her. ‘OK. I’ll just pretend he’s away on an assignment.’
‘That should do it.’
Half an hour later Laurie came back down the stairs, looking so lost that Sherry wanted to hug her.
‘Has he called?’ she said.
Sherry shook her head.
Laurie looked down at her hands and swallowed hard. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be doing this to you,’ she said. ‘I’m being so pathetic, and you’ve got your own life to get on with.’
‘Don’t worry about me. I’m fine,’ Sherry assured her. ‘Rachel’s on her way over.’
‘You’ve spoken to her?’
‘She called just now to see how you are. I guess, as he’s in Chris’s flat, Chris must have told her.’
Laurie looked around, tried to hold it together, but suddenly couldn’t. ‘This is really happening,’ she said brokenly. ‘People know. Oh God, Sherry, he really means it.’
Sherry went to hold her, wishing she could find the words to stop the hurt, but there were none. It was a horrible, terrible thing to go through, and nothing, but nothing ever made it feel better. There were just pauses in the intensity, moments when you could cope, until the ones when you couldn’t came back again.
‘Is there any more coffee?’ Laurie said finally.
‘It’s just brewing. I hope you don’t mind, but I called Rhona.’
Oh God, it was getting worse. She didn’t want anyone to know, it made it too real. ‘What did she say?’
‘That you’ll probably be back together by the end of the day, if not, by the end of the week.’
Laurie felt a lift in her heart and smiled. ‘Typical Rhona,’ she said, loving her.
Sherry nodded. There was no reason to tell her that Rhona had also said she’d be home on the next plane if Sherry thought it necessary. They’d left it that Sherry would call again later in the day, when she had a clearer idea of where things might be going. She just wished she could say she had a good feeling about it all, but the truth was she really didn’t.