by Susan Lewis
She couldn’t listen to any more, because it would make it real, and it couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t. ‘And how do you feel?’ she heard herself ask.
‘It’s not important.’
‘Yes it is.’
He didn’t answer.
‘I want to know,’ she demanded, slamming a hand on the table.
‘I wanted her badly enough to do this,’ he replied.
The words sent her reeling. ‘Wanted?’ she repeated. ‘So this is about sex? You’ve called off our wedding so you could have sex with another woman?’
‘The fact I could want it that much … It wouldn’t have been right to go ahead with our plans.’
‘Do you love her?’ Her voice was starting to fracture in spite of her efforts to hold on.
‘We haven’t been seeing each other long.’
Oh God, why hadn’t he denied it? Even if it were a lie, he could have said no. ‘Who instigated it?’ she asked. ‘Did she, or did you?’
‘Laurie …’
‘Just answer the damned question.’
‘It was something we both felt.’
‘She seduced you, didn’t she? While you were choosing a painting for me, she seduced you!’
‘Not then, later. And she wouldn’t have succeeded if I hadn’t wanted her to.’
She turned her head sharply away, so unwilling to accept this that she felt like lashing out at him to make him stop. ‘You’re just a plaything for her, you do realize that, don’t you?’ she told him, her mouth twisting with scorn. ‘You’re just another conquest, another notch. She doesn’t care about you. She only cares about herself, and how powerful she is as a woman. She thinks she can get any man she chooses, and you, like a fool, have fallen straight into her trap.’
He said nothing.
‘Look at you,’ she cried, still trying to keep her voice down. ‘You’re pathetic. I thought you were a man. I always looked up to you, because I believed you were someone who had more integrity, more honesty, more backbone than anyone else I knew … But look at you now. You’re just a spineless fool with a hard-on for some tart with fake tits and fat ass.’
Still he didn’t speak.
She clasped her hands to her head as though to contain the madness. ‘Jesus Christ, Elliot,’ she blurted, ‘I can’t believe you’re behaving like this! After all we’ve meant to each other, everything we’ve been through and dreamed of …’ Her voice started to falter as the horror of it gripped her anew. ‘I love you,’ she choked. ‘Don’t you understand that? Doesn’t it mean anything to you, what this is doing to me?’
‘Of course it does.’
‘Then why are you doing it?’
‘I can’t marry you when I have feelings for someone else. It would be wrong, and it’s not what you deserve.’
‘But you don’t love her,’ she cried. ‘You can’t. You might think you do …’
‘I’m not saying I love her,’ he interrupted. ‘But I do want to be with her.’
She gazed desperately into his eyes, feeling the tearing pain of anger and despair. ‘And what about when she doesn’t want you any more?’ she said. ‘What then? Am I supposed to take you back?’
He shook his head. ‘No.’
His answer hurt beyond anything, for in that one word he’d confirmed that it truly wasn’t just about Andraya. ‘You really don’t love me, do you?’ she said, as stunned as she was broken.
‘Actually I do love you,’ he responded, ‘but …’
‘No,’ she gasped, covering her ears. ‘Don’t say it. I can’t bear it … Oh my God, oh my God.’ Then suddenly knowing she couldn’t take any more, she grabbed her bag and stood up. ‘I’d like to get out please,’ she said. ‘Please let me through.’
For a moment it didn’t seem he was going to, but then he stood up to clear the way. ‘Where are you going?’ he said.
‘You don’t have the right to ask that question,’ she responded. This was hard, so very hard, but she had to keep it together, she just had to. A few more seconds and she’d be outside, walking away, leaving him behind and breaking into a thousand pieces.
‘I’ll call you,’ he said.
She didn’t answer, she just kept moving past him, walked to the door, pushed it open and stepped outside into the warm summer day. Breathing was hurting her lungs. She couldn’t get any air.
‘Oh God, Elliot,’ she gulped. Her hands were clenched hard at her sides. She was still moving forward, into the crowds. She needed to run, to get as far away as she could. She had her phone. She should call her mother, or Sherry …
She reached into her bag, but the sheer awfulness of everything was engulfing her, bearing down on her with so much pressure she was almost sinking to her knees. Somehow she kept going. She collided with someone, mumbled an apology, then suddenly, bewilderingly, she felt strong arms going around her.
‘It’s OK,’ Nick said. ‘I’ve got you.’
She looked up. Was this a dream? Nothing was feeling quite real. ‘I’m sorry,’ she choked. ‘I must have tripped.’
‘I saw you leave,’ he told her. ‘I thought I should come after you. Are you OK?’
Still dazed, she nodded. He’d come, but Elliot hadn’t.
He glanced back towards the pub and saw Elliot watching from the window. ‘Come on,’ he said, taking her arm, ‘let’s get you out of here,’ and he began leading her through the crowds to where Elliot couldn’t see her any more.
‘There you go,’ Sherry said, handing Laurie a cup of coffee.
As she took it, Laurie gave a half-hearted laugh. ‘I feel like an invalid,’ she said. ‘All this attention.’
Sherry picked up her own coffee and came round from the kitchen. They were back at Sherry’s flat now, after she’d turned up to take over from Nick, who’d called to let her know what had happened. It seemed he’d coped rather well considering he didn’t even know the woman he was rescuing, but as Sherry remembered only too clearly, he’d always been good with people, and was a lot less embarrassed by female emotion than most men she knew. He’d gone to meet his daughter now, but would call later, he’d said, to find out how everything was.
‘I can’t believe Elliot told you like that,’ Sherry murmured, sitting in the armchair holding her coffee. ‘I suppose there’s no good way, but at Davey’s!’ She shook her head, still hardly able to credit it.
The force of denial in Laurie’s heart seemed to be growing. ‘It was really good of Nick to come after me like that,’ she said, in an attempt to wrest herself from the pain. ‘You’re lucky to have someone so sensitive.’
Sherry sipped her coffee. ‘He was concerned,’ she said. ‘When he saw you leave …’ She stopped as Laurie put a hand to her face.
‘I’m sorry,’ Laurie whispered. ‘It just keeps coming over me.’
‘It’s OK.’
After a moment Laurie lifted her head again and took a deep breath. ‘I felt as though I was going to faint, or throw up, when I came out of there,’ she said. ‘I hardly knew what was going on. God, just to think of everyone watching from the bar …’ She waited for the awful tide to ebb and gave a weak little laugh. ‘I wonder what they’re making of it now, me walking out on Elliot, and Nick van Zant coming after me.’
Sherry had wondered much the same thing, though anyone with half a brain would know there was no way Laurie would be interested in anyone else this soon after the break-up. All the same, she wouldn’t put it past someone to twist it all around to claim that Laurie had left Elliot for Nick.
‘Where is he now?’ Laurie asked.
‘Nick? He had to get back for his daughter,’ Sherry reminded her.
‘Of course. I hope I didn’t hold him up too much. I kept insisting he should leave, that I’d be OK, but he wouldn’t go until you got there.’
Recalling how she’d found them, sitting together on a park bench at Westferry Circus, Laurie’s head on his shoulder, his arm around her, Sherry couldn’t help wondering how keen he’d been for her to
arrive. They’d looked extremely cosy until he’d spotted her coming into the park, when his relief could hardly have been more evident.
‘He was telling me how he felt when his wife broke the news to him that there was someone else,’ Laurie confided.
Sherry stood up. ‘I don’t think I need to hear that,’ she said, going to stop the balcony door from banging in the breeze.
Laurie’s eyes filled with concern. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t thinking … I – He’s over it now, though. That’s why he was telling me, trying to comfort me, I suppose.’
Realizing what a fool she was being, Sherry’s expression softened as she turned back. ‘He’s good at that,’ she said, remembering just how tender and supportive Nick had been at a time when she’d needed it most.
‘He’s a nice man.’
‘I think so.’
‘He seems very keen on you.’
‘Really?’ Sherry’s pleasure showed. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘Just the way he looked at you, I guess.’
Liking the answer, Sherry returned to the chair and hooked her knees over one arm.
‘I wonder where Elliot is now,’ Laurie said. ‘With her, I expect.’ The very idea of it tore through her so painfully that she had to stand up. ‘Never in my life have I wanted to kill someone,’ she said, going to the window, ‘but I do now. I hate her. I absolutely hate her.’
‘I can understand that.’
‘I hate him too. I detest him for the way he’s done this. He’s made it so much worse. All the lies … Oh God, I can’t stand to think of them together,’ she cried, clasping her hands to her face. ‘I want to tear out my own mind to stop myself thinking about what they’re doing … If only he’d never told me. I was better off not knowing.’
‘But you’d have found out in the end.’
Laurie’s laugh was bitter as her head came up. ‘Yes I would,’ she said, ‘except I already knew. That day I saw their names together in the paper. We should always trust our instincts.’ She added wryly, ‘Dear Molly says always trust your instincts.’
A quick image of Laurie and Nick on the park bench flashed through Sherry’s mind again, but she knew in her case it was paranoia, not instinct that was alerting her to take note, and paranoia was always best ignored. ‘Dear Molly can be a pill,’ she said drily.
Laurie was barely listening. ‘He’s like a stranger, Sherry,’ she said. ‘He’s turning into someone I don’t know. What’s happened to him? Why’s he doing this?’
Sherry looked at her in dismay. ‘I wish I knew,’ she answered, not wanting even to suggest that Elliot might genuinely have fallen for Andraya, for that was definitely not what Laurie needed to hear right now. It probably wasn’t something she could cope with, either. It all had to happen in stages, and this was far too early to do much more than agree and listen, and give whatever support she could.
‘Thank God Rhona’s coming back tomorrow,’ Laurie stated. ‘You must be fed up with me by now.’
Sherry laughed in surprise. ‘Not at all,’ she said. ‘I just wish it weren’t happening.’
‘But with you and Nick getting back together, this is the last thing you need.’
‘It’s not about me, it’s about you, and how to get you through this.’
Laurie’s hands almost went up as though to defend herself from the meaning of the words, for the very idea of having to get through it not only meant it was real and had to be faced, but that it wasn’t going to be resolved the way she wanted. However, she didn’t know that for certain. Anything could happen, the phone might ring any minute and suddenly everything would change and they’d be back together.
‘Other people don’t have the luxury of friends like you,’ she said as she returned to the sofa. ‘Other people have to pull themselves together and get on with life. They can’t just walk out on their jobs, or rely on someone to drop everything and come to rescue them, the way you just did. I don’t deserve all this, and I shouldn’t be so pathetic. I have to get a grip.’ A small light of defiance flickered in her eyes. ‘If it’s her he wants, then it’s her he shall have.’
Sherry smiled inwardly. Just like anger, hope, confidence and courage, defiance would do its bit to hold her back from the pit of despair, but sooner or later she would go there, everyone did, unless Elliot came back, of course, and right now that wasn’t looking likely.
‘I’m a mess,’ Laurie said brokenly. ‘I just don’t have what it takes … I’m obviously not as strong as other people.’
‘Rubbish,’ Sherry said firmly. ‘If you knew what some people do at a time like this, the kind of letters I get in my Dear Molly bag, you’d realize you’re coping a lot better than most.’
Laurie’s smile was weak. ‘That’s definitely not how it feels,’ she said.
‘I know, but you’ve got to give yourself a chance. It’s only just happened.’
Laurie nodded bleakly. ‘So how long is it going to last?’ she asked.
‘At this intensity? A few months, probably not as long as a year.’
Laurie wanted to die. ‘Are you serious?’ she cried, unable to accept the idea of feeling like this for another minute, never mind a year.
‘I’m afraid so. But everyone’s different. You might suddenly wake up one morning and think, my God, he did me a favour. Life is so much better without him.’
Laurie almost laughed. ‘If I thought that was going to happen then I’d seriously doubt I ever loved him.’
‘So would I, if it happened any time soon.’ Then seeing Laurie’s face she said, ‘I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you it was something you could just pack up and put away, or better still, throw out with the rubbish, but I’m not going to lie to you. Anyway, you know it isn’t. You know it’s only time that will heal this, but there are certain things you can do to make it easier on yourself.’
‘Oh God tell me. Please. Whatever they are, I’ll do them.’
Though Sherry smiled, she was reluctant to go into any detail now, when it was all still so raw. ‘OK,’ she said, ‘but they’re not as easy to do as they’re going to sound. They’ll take an enormous amount of will-power and courage, which I know you have in abundance, but just not today. You’re still in shock, and while you’re in this frame of mind you’re not going to believe what I tell you, never mind be able to carry it out.’
‘Oh no, you can’t do that,’ Laurie protested. ‘You’ve got to tell me. I’ll do anything. I swear, anything.’
Sherry was touched by her trust. ‘I will tell you,’ she promised. ‘And don’t worry, there’s no rocket science or witchery involved. It’s all common sense really. Well, you’ll see when we talk.’ As she finished she was walking across to the front door to answer the downstairs bell. ‘It’s probably Rachel,’ she said.
‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten I called her,’ Laurie responded. ‘Poor thing, she must have felt dreadful finding out like that, and not knowing how to tell me.’
‘Hi, come on up,’ Sherry said into the entryphone, and pressed the buzzer. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave you two here,’ she told Laurie, coming back into the sitting room. ‘I’m meeting Barry and a friend of his in half an hour, then, believe it or not, I could be going on to a strip club.’
Laurie’s eyes widened with surprise. ‘You mean one of Eddie Cribbs’s clubs?’ she said, catching on.
‘Yep. Barry’s suggested I pose as one half of a couple looking for a threesome. Apparently there’s a chance one of the strippers could be persuaded to parler un peu, for the same fee as ménaging à trois.’
‘But won’t someone recognize you?’
‘No-one there knows me, and they definitely won’t when I’ve got my blonde wig on.’
‘You’ve got a blonde wig?’
‘I have now.’
Laurie’s eyes closed as she laughed. ‘The things we do,’ she murmured. ‘Is Barry the other half of this couple?’
‘No. It’s the friend he’s bringing to the
meeting.’
Frowning, Laurie said, ‘Just a minute, I thought Barry was going to find someone to pose as a pervert?’
‘He was, but guess what, we don’t have any volunteers. No-one, but no-one wants to even pretend they’re into anything that might involve children, and frankly who can blame them? In today’s climate they’re likely to be arrested, tried and convicted before they can even utter the word undercover. Anyway, it’s probably better that I try to handle it myself, so let’s hope this stripper actually has something to tell.’
Laurie nodded agreement. ‘Has there been any move on Eddie Cribbs’s part to try to block you at all?’
‘Surprisingly no, and I don’t know if I’m still being watched either, though Stan says we should assume that I am. It’s a strange sort of feeling, spooky in some ways, but not quite real in others. Has it ever happened to you?’
Laurie nodded. ‘You need to take care,’ she warned. ‘Criminal gangs, people-traffickers … They can be extremely violent …’
‘I know,’ Sherry assured her, ‘and I have to confess to a certain fascination with them, because from everything I’ve been reading they obviously live in a whole other culture, which, in its way, is totally integrated into ours. It’s like an otherwise healthy body with invisible cancer cells eating it away. Or a beautiful house with evil masked inside the walls.’
Laurie was regarding her curiously.
Sherry smiled. ‘Just taking an objective view,’ she told her. ‘On a personal level, you’re right, I need to take care, and I will. What’s concerning me most right now though, is that their failure to act could mean the women have already been disposed of.’
‘What does Stan think?’
‘He says it’s possible, but isn’t convinced. I forwarded an email to you this morning, from Rose. I don’t suppose you’ve seen it?’
Laurie shook her head.
‘Apparently she’s been contacted by a local TV producer in Surat, who’s offering to put her in touch with an actual human-trader. It’s all highly suspicious, she says, because this producer’s also claiming the trader has connections here, but it could prove genuine, so for the moment she’s going with it. She’ll keep us posted, obviously. In the meantime, we seem to be in a bit of a standoff situation. Our delivery has been made to the shop we’re using as cover. I thought something might happen there, but it all passed off as normal. I called Mrs Ghosh to thank her. She was cool, but polite, much as she was before. And my request to meet with Eddie Cribbs is still being ignored, but I’m planning to pay Mrs Ghosh another visit in the next week or so, to put in a new order. It’ll be interesting to see what comes up then.’ She turned round as Rachel tapped on the front door. ‘In here,’ she called.