“I should probably go.” Giselle sighed. He shook his head and rolled toward her as his arms pulled her tighter.
“Stay. I won't sleep more than an hour or two. I promise, I’ll have you back to your room before anyone else notices.” He pressed his lips to her forehead and his eyes closed. “Please.” He asked softly. She nodded and her body relaxed, becoming soft and still against him. Alastair felt his lips curve and his last thought was that he finally understood what people meant when they referred to their soul. He felt his soul as he let sleep pull him under.
Chapter 38
You’ve done it now. Giselle scolded herself as she pulled back and looked at Alastair. His face was relaxed and his lips curved softly. The rigid tension that usually made him look so severe and penetrating was gone and he was peaceful. He was beautiful and her heart ached with longing. She wanted to see him like this every night. She tried to sit up but his arms tightened and he groaned as he nuzzled his face into the corner of her neck.
“Don’t go.” He mumbled drowsily. Giselle waited until he relaxed again before she slowly slid and twisted. Once free, she sat up and hugged her knees to her chest. Someone would have had to set her hair on fire to get her to leave his bed, she was so drawn to the sight of him.
Nothing she had ever seen compared to Alastair naked. He didn’t exaggerate when he said he was more impressive without his clothes on. He shifted and the muscles of his stomach rippled and her mouth became dry. His thigh slid along the mattress and she was mesmerized. He was so lean and sculpted, her fingers itched to trace the lines and hollows from his shoulders to his feet. Alastair rolled onto his stomach and Giselle had to stop herself from setting her teeth to his bottom. Good lord, it’s so tight! She started to fan herself and scowled at her hand. Her eyes fell on the dragons that climbed up his back. They looked so elegant yet dangerous. Like Alastair. She thought. She stared and felt as if she was hypnotized. As his hand stretched across the mattress and he turned the dragons came to life and appeared to be prowling, guarding him as he slept. Giselle blinked when her eyes started to burn. His hair had fallen over his brow and she gently swept it back. He smiled and moaned softly, she felt her own lips curve.
Warmth spread within her as she realized that he was happy and that she had made him so. She sighed as she shook her head. It would be so simple if she believed that she could always make him happy. Giselle felt as if she were being torn in two. Part of her was terrified and wanted to leave. To get out while she still could, to go off on her own, finish the last traitor and disappear. Part of her heard his and Mirabelle’s words and was tempted to stay with Alastair and see if they were right, if she could have a life with him. It was so much to risk though. It went beyond their reputations, she realized. She loved him. For the first time in her life, she had something she was afraid to lose.
True to his word, Alastair started to stir after almost two hours. Giselle was still watching him when his eyes opened and found her. He rose on his elbow and looked behind her at the clock.
“You stayed.” He smiled as he pulled himself up and sat in front of her. He raised a knee and rested his arm on it as his other hand brushed her hair over her shoulder and cupped her cheek. Giselle turned her face and kissed his palm.
“I don’t think there’s any way I could have left.” She smiled wickedly. “Not with you naked. I could watch you sleep for days.” Alastair laughed softly.
“Is that all you require? If so, I’ll burn every stitch of clothing I have.” His eyes searched hers and her heart skipped. She didn’t want the conversation to become serious. Giselle raised her hand and slowly set her fingertips to his shoulder and when he didn’t tense or flinch she slowly traced curved muscles and snarling dragons.
“How does a man that lives in a library have a body like this?” She kept her voice low and smooth. His eyes narrowed and his head tilted.
“You think I live in a library?” He asked. Giselle bit her lip to keep from laughing and shook her head.
“Gilles once told me that you spend most of your days in Libraries, that if you weren’t reminded, you could go for days without leaving or eating. It’s why I expected you to be small and pale.” She brushed the pad of her finger against the edge of a dragon along the outside of his arm and found that it was raised. She shut her eyes and traced it. Alastair groaned softly but it sounded relaxed.
“There are days when I am in the midst of studying or trying to solve something and may lose track of time or there isn’t anything that interests me enough to leave.” He admitted as he lowered his leg and pulled Giselle closer, into the circle of his arms. “I have not spent very much time in the library recently.” He unfolded her legs and draped them over his. Their chests were nearly touching but he didn’t close the distance. He started stroking her thighs soothingly. Giselle let her hands reach behind him and pressed them against his back. He tensed and took a deep breath. She looked into his eyes, checking. He smiled softly and nodded. She let her fingers find the shapes against his skin and began to explore them. Muscles bunched and stretched as he breathed and leaned closer.
“But you don’t become like this in a library.” She whispered as she rested her head against his shoulder. Alastair chuckled as his hands stroked her bottom.
“I find that exercise helps me focus, it makes my mind sharper. I sneak from my lair most mornings. I prefer to do so before most people are awake so I can avoid them.” Giselle looked up and frowned. “Not you, or the family. Just people in general, in Town. I like London the most when it is empty and quiet.” She nodded in understanding.
“What do you do?” She sighed as Alastair’s hands kneaded and rubbed the muscles of her back.
“When I am here, I ride. Most mornings, I go after you return to your room. I like to take Sleipnir out just before the sun comes up. After, I tend to him and his stall. If Lucien and Toby are working, I join them.”
“Sleipnir.” Giselle smiled. It was fitting, the stallion ran as if he had eight legs. Alastair grinned as he leaned closer.
“He is the worst of all horses. But he’s fast and we have an understanding. He doesn’t destroy his stall and resists the urge to throw me and I let him run as if the flames of hell are chasing us.”
“Do you think…” Giselle was interrupted.
“No. He’s worse than Lucifer and you’re too light. He’d throw you if he turned course and you weren’t expecting it.” She narrowed her eyes, it felt almost like he was challenging her skill. He shook his head. “He’s done it to me. As I said, he’s the worst of all horses.” She laughed. Alastair was so controlled and liked his life well ordered yet he kept an unruly, unpredictable horse. Does he prefer his women unruly and unpredictable as well? Is that why he wants me? She dismissed the thought.
“When you aren't at Winthorpe?” Giselle sighed in delight as she felt his hands sifting in her hair. His fingertips massaged her scalp and her limbs started to feel loose and heavy.
“I try to get out on the water and row a few times a week and I fence.” Alastair said as he tried to close the distance between them. Giselle gasped and leaned back on her hands.
“You fence?” She was suddenly alert and excited. He frowned as he nodded. “Could we? Does Lucien have any foils or épées?”
“Now?” Alastair asked. He looked frustrated. She giggled as she sat up and threw her arms around his neck. He flinched before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Giselle pulled back and looked at his face. His eyes searched hers before they flickered, as if he was calculating. She felt her nerves tighten. Was he about to do something to her body or was he going to change the topic?
“Fencing does explain your backside.” She purred and licked her lips seductively. His brows fell and his eyes became dark.
“My backside?” His voice was deeper and he leaned toward her mouth.
“Mmm hmm.” She hummed as she licked them again. His pupils followed her tongue and he took a deep breath. “Your backside is qui
te remarkable. I want to bite and lick every inch of it.” Giselle felt her nipples tighten as she imagined her lips against the taut flesh. Alastair’s eyes widened and he looked panicked. She couldn’t help but laugh as she captured his face and pressed her lips to his. He opened and her tongue slid in to meet his. He was tense and still. She pulled back to find him frowning. “Not tonight.” She said softly. It was visible, the change as relief took over. He became loose and moved around her. His hands started to rub and stroke, soothing her. Preparing her?
“Giselle.” Alastair waited until she looked up at him. His eyes held hers. “I’m glad my body pleases you, as you’re the only one that will ever see it.” Possessiveness and need exploded within her and she felt his arms lock around her, Giselle’s heart hammered against her chest. She was trapped and he was going to try and talk about the things she was trying to avoid. The muscles in his jaw twitched as he read her thoughts. “I think we have a lot to discuss.” His voice was firm and his eyes were hard and unflinching. She knew it was futile but she tried to push away. His arms were like steel around her and he shook his head. Giselle exhaled in frustration. And I just let him trap me…
“Please don’t ask me to marry you. Not now.” She searched his face, hoping he would understand. His brows pulled together and his mouth opened and closed a few times. “There’s just too much for me to cope with right now. I don’t know what all of this means and what I’m supposed to do. If you make me decide, I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong choice.” It was as honest and coherent as Giselle could manage at the moment. Alastair looked thoughtful as his eyes bounced and flicked.
“What is it that you don’t understand? What are your concerns?” He became still as he waited, ready to attack her problems with solutions. She felt her body tense and she became defensive. She couldn’t get her mind around the situation enough to know when he was so close and looking at her so intently. Giselle tried to twist away, she just needed a little more space. Alastair only pulled her closer and she squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to find the words.
“Before this… before you… I had a purpose. I had to find a man. I needed to track him down and end him, one way or another. To finish what Gilles and I began in France and to repay him for what he did to all of those agents. And to me.” Giselle took a deep breath. “If I hadn’t gone to Burton Place, if I had done anything else, I would be working or it would be done. Instead, I barely think about him. You’re everywhere, you’re all I can think of. I feel like I’m failing, like I’m becoming weak.” He shook his head.
“Planning and waiting doesn’t make you weak. And if you’re weak, then so am I. You consume me.” He said softly. Giselle felt warmth flood her chest. She tried to ignore it but it continued to spread.
“I’ve never let anything distract me. There was nothing else that mattered. I don't know if I can balance these things. What if I make a mistake because of what I feel for you?”
“People make mistakes all the time, Giselle.” He argued.
“They do. But the last time I did, I almost died.” She watched as his eyes flared. “What am I now? Am I the woman I was when I came to England, with a mission to accomplish? Am I precise and effective? Or, am I this emotional, confused, scared woman? Am I obsessed and vulnerable? Should I give in to such basic things as desire and possessiveness? Can I put everything aside and fight for things that used to seem so common, so domestic before I met you?” She laughed wryly. “If anyone told me that I’d want a home with a husband and children, I would have laughed them to scorn. Now, it hurts me, I want it all so badly.”
“Why does it hurt?” Alastair asked carefully. Giselle sighed as she let her head fall forward until her forehead rested against his.
“If I give in and let it all happen, I could hurt you. What you felt when you saw that tiny bit of blood earlier…” She felt his body become tense and he stopped breathing. “It is nothing compared to the fear I feel when I think of what will happen if my past catches up with us. You and any children we would have would be ruined. Your family would be probably be shunned. It would take years for them to recover.” She watched as his eyes became distant for a few minutes before they refocused.
“I can make everything attached to you at the War Office go away. You won’t exist there. I’ve already worked that out. The only risk I can’t account for is if you come across someone from your time in France but if you are careful and we live quietly, it’s infinitesimal. Even then, there is nothing I could lose that matters more than this. Our children would be loved and intelligent, even if they were touched by either of our pasts, which is extremely unlikely, they would prevail. And I think you underestimate the family. When Lucien, Gilles and The Mothers decide to wield their power, they are formidable. And you forget Mirabelle. I wouldn’t give the Regent odds against her.” Alastair looked at her expectantly, as if he had all the answers. Giselle couldn't help but feel optimism tugging at her boundaries. If he could make her disappear on paper and all she had to do was avoid court and not go about too much within the ton… Stop.
“Even if all of that was possible, what about my name? People will always try to use me, and you, if you’re my husband. I don’t know if it’s possible for us to live quietly. There’s a reason I ran away in the first place.” All Giselle could imagine was people swarming around Alastair, calling and reaching. It made her angry and afraid. His hands closed around her face and his eyes poured into hers.
“No one can make us do anything we don’t want to. You and I are capable of protecting ourselves and each other. And if I have to, I can deal with society. I can deal with a lot of things, Giselle. I’ve just chosen not to. For you, I would endure anything. The ton does not frighten me. Being without you frightens me.” He was so calm while everything within her went up in flames and shook. She would have run so far and so fast if she could have reached the door. The need that she felt in response to his words terrified her. Giselle was afraid she would do anything he asked of her, no matter what the cost. She felt her head shake and resistance flared.
“You make it sound so simple but everything is conditional, Alastair! My name is nothing as long as I can avoid an entire country’s worth of people and you can make sure that there is no mention of me in years and years worth of war documents and I can hunt for a man and kill him or find enough evidence to hang him while under the scrutiny of a thousand shallow idiots. Think! What do you have when you have too many variables? You have chaos. I am chaos, Alastair. You don’t enjoy chaos.” Giselle felt utterly defeated and disappointed. Alastair laughed softly.
“If we are approaching this as an equation, then it is even simpler. If I love you and you are chaos, then I love chaos. I must therefor deal with it. Whenever you have a large problem, you start by solving it from the outside and work your way in.” His head tilted and his brow raised. His grin was boyish and assured. Giselle knew he thought he was winning. She sighed, suddenly tired. His thumb brushed across her lips. “I can wait as long as you give me a chance to solve this. Let me show you.” His eyes searched hers and she was afraid to disappoint him. “Use the time while we search for the last traitor to see how we are together, how the both of us handle the ton and anything else that comes our way. Let me clear away your history and search for anything that can incriminate you.” She felt herself softening, becoming weaker as his lips drew closer. “Let me love you and let yourself love me.” He whispered and fear streaked through her. She held her breath and warmth and joy followed in its wake. She was helpless to stop herself from nodding in agreement. His mouth crashed against hers as his tongue surged in and swept against hers. Alastair’s arms started to move, pulling her close and surrounding her as he angled his head and made their kiss deep and heat burst within her. After a moment he raised his head and looked down at her. She blinked as her eyes reached his. “You need to start thinking about what you will do once the last traitor is gone. I’ve had months to explore the problem myself but you only have weeks. There
won’t be anything for either of us at the War Office. The war is over. There are no more targets, no more secrets to steal. They have no use for us.” His voice was gentle, careful. She tried to push aside the uncertainty that surged in the aftermath of his words.
“What did you find? What are you going to do once it’s all over?” Giselle asked as desperation started to claw at her insides. Alastair’s smile reached his eyes and he stroked her cheek.
“I found you. Once it’s all over, I’ll have you.” His lips brushed hers and clung. “If you’ll let me.” His tongue slipped between her lips and everything within her started to crumble.
She wanted to laugh, cry, scream, sing, destroy… Giselle made her mind blank before it could overwhelm her and pressed herself to Alastair and he groaned as he held her tight. His hands were everywhere as his tongue tried to coax her heart from her. She gave in and melted against him. She didn’t want to think, she just wanted to feel, she wanted to forget everything else and just pull all of him into her for as long as she could. Giselle kissed him back desperately, pushing everything she felt down as she let her body take over. She arched so that her nipples rubbed against his chest and she clawed at his back. She knew it probably made him hurt but she didn’t care. She was aching and she didn’t know how she would face the next day, what she would be when she opened her eyes in the morning. Giselle filled her fists with his hair and searched his mouth, trying to hide and find herself within him. She felt herself trembling as he pulled from her and gasped.
“Stop.” Alastair commanded as his eyes drilled in to hers. “I won’t let anything happen to you. Everything will be alright.” He promised as he pushed her back onto the bed. “I told you, I will give you everything you want.”
Giselle wrapped her arms around him as his lips fell upon hers. He was all she could see and feel, she let that be all there was. His tongue tangled with hers as his hands pulled her against him. She moaned as she arched off of the bed, trying to feel more of his hot, hard body. She pulled her lips from his and struggled for breath.
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