Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me)

by Eason, Mary

“Judah, dammit that won’t do. I need to know how you’re involved in this and if you’re not in charge then who is?” I asked while fearing that he would guess the truth and simply walk away from me forever. I’d been too young when Judah disappeared. I didn’t really know what to expect from this new person before me. “I know about the attack, Judah,” I told him quietly and waited for his reaction.

  “What attack?” he asked without emotion but there was just a little bit of hesitation in his voice that told me he was bluffing.

  “We have the document Judah. The Bureau intercepted it last week. We know everything. All the details of your little plan to destroy the major tourist attractions. It is my job after all--understanding terrorist threats. Did you really think I wouldn’t understand the language?”

  “So you know. I should have realized dad would teach you. He taught me after all.” Judah almost smiled then before he asked. “What are you going to do with it? You’ve clearly not told your superiors otherwise you wouldn’t be here with me right now. Have you Cameron.”

  I thought about lying to him but I found I couldn’t return the favor. I couldn’t lie to my brother not even after realizing what he had become. Not because of Judah but because of my parents.

  “I’ve started decoding it already. I know the details of the attack Judah--the cities that are involved. I’m going to turn the information over to my superiors tonight. It’s over Judah. It’s over. Call it off, do whatever you have to, but it ends here. Do you understand?”

  “Oh Cameron, you are so misled. All right, I understand. I’ll try to call it off but I’m not in charge Cameron. And you’re being deceived by people closest to you,” he told me taking a step closer to me and I lifted the gun again.

  “What are you talking about? Who are you talking about Judah? What do you know?”

  “I think you know what I’m talking about Cameron. Maybe you’ve let your emotions blind you to the truth. Watch what you’re doing little sister. Stop trusting in the Bureau and the government so much. Especially those closest to you.”

  I was stunned. I couldn’t think--couldn’t believe what he was alluding to. “That’s not true. Noah‘s not involved in any of this.”

  “Cameron, think about it. Do you really think no one has managed to uncover the truth about our connection so far? Grow up Cameron. Open your eyes. Of course, they know. He’s using you. And if he knows do you really think he would allow you to continue to remain in the position you hold without being watched.” This time Judah stood and came towards me slowly without looking at the gun. He knew I was wavering. I’d started questioning everything that until this moment I knew was real. Had Noah known about my connection to Judah all along? Were he and The Organization really using me to get at my brother? Against my will, I remembered the conversation between Noah and Shane a short time before Noah left. He’d told Shane that he would have someone watching over Elijah. If that were true then of course they would know about this meeting and probably every single time I’d had contact with my brother for that matter.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I told him without much conviction. I saw the return of that slight smile of his that told me Judah didn’t believe me either.

  “Get out while you still can. Before you get in too deep to escape. Before they force you to do something you can’t live with Cameron.” At my hurt expression, Judah came closer and then he took me in his arms.

  “You’ll be okay. There’s so much more I want to say to you that I can’t. At least not now. I’ll find you Cameron. I’ll find you again. In the meantime, don’t let them get you involved in this. Get out of this whole game while you still can. Because it will only cost you your life.”

  “Stop...That’s far enough Judah. Don’t try to escape.”

  My brother had stopped listening to me. He walked quickly over to the back entrance of the storefront before turning back to me. “I’ll stop what’s in the works. The attack. You have my word on that Cameron. I can’t do that behind bars. I’m leaving and you‘re going to let me go because you don‘t have a choice and you won‘t hurt me. Even if you believe all those things you‘ve been fed about me.” He opened the door and stepped outside turning back to me one last time. “Watch your back, Cameron. Your life’s on the line as well.”

  “Judah!” I called out to him but there was only silence. I ran to the door that led out to a dark alley. I was too late. Judah was gone.

  The second I got back to my apartment, I called Matt on the phone and told him what I’d found in that document. I didn’t tell him about my brother or his connection and Matt didn’t give any indication that he knew. Surely with surveillance in place as I knew it was Matt would have discovered our connection by now if he didn‘t already know. It was then that that little uneasy feeling warned me that maybe I should be at least questioning the things my brother had told me tonight. After all, we were the best of the best. How could someone not know?

  In the back of my mind, I knew that I was on deadly ground here. I was exhausted and if I were being honest, I was sick of dealing with all this cloak and dagger games. I was finished with the dark side of life. I was going to move as far away as I could and pray that I’d never face another evil person again. Not even in a movie.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I decided that at the next Agency meeting I would get Matt alone and tell him I was out. I couldn’t keep doing this anymore. Not now. Not after all the doubts about my relationship with Noah had surfaced.

  I figured if I were going to be taken into custody for all the things I hadn’t done according to the record it would happen in the next few days. As each day ticked by and that didn’t happen I wondered what they were waiting for?

  For literally days after speaking to my brother I had a terrible feeling that something bad was about to happen. Something unstoppable. I’d wake up each night with nightmares that I couldn’t piece together.

  When the knock sounded on my door late one evening and I found Adam Manning and Matt standing, there I knew even before they said the words that it was about Noah and it wasn’t good.

  “What’s happened to him? Is he all right? Tell me what’s happened.” I heard my voice, it sounded as if it was coming from somewhere far away and yet I felt as if I were screaming those words. Someone I’m not sure which of them got me inside and closed the door.

  “Cameron, you have to prepare yourself. This is bad,” Adam, told me trying to get me to sit down.

  “What is it? Just tell me what it is Adam. Is he dead?”

  Adam and Matt exchanged looks and I knew the truth.

  “Cameron, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know how much you cared about him but I’m afraid he’s gone.”

  As I listened to the man that had been like a father to Noah for all these years tell me that, my husband was dead in a voice that lacked any form of grief. As I watched Adam’s expression, it hit me. Something about the way Adam couldn’t make eye contact with me was telling me far more than Adam’s words were.

  “No, that’s not true. I don’t believe you Adam. Noah’s not dead. Something has happened. Tell me what has happened to him for God’s sake Adam.”

  “Cameron, I’m telling you the truth. Do you think I would tell you Noah was dead if that were not true? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cameron. Trust me I know how hard this is to accept but it’s the truth. He’s gone. And you have to accept this and let it go.”

  “Tell me what happened to him.”

  “Cameron...”

  “Adam, for God sake. Tell me what happened.”

  He hesitated for a moment longer, his eyes going to Matt’s before he shook his head and Matt handed me a folder.

  “It’s all in there Cameron. I didn’t want you to have to see that but I can tell you won’t’ be convinced until you do. Noah was fatally shot while on assignment in an undisclosed location. The specific details have been blacked out. The location details are not important Cameron.” He added when I would have argued that point
. “Trust me, there’s sufficient proof to convince even you. I’m sorry to say there are some graphic photos in there. I hope you’ll spare yourself those. Noah wouldn’t want you seeing them Cameron. He wouldn’t want you to have to see him that way. Let it go, Cameron. I know you and I haven’t always gotten along but I wouldn’t be so heartless as to tell you he was dead if it weren’t true. I wouldn’t do that even to you Cameron. Don’t pursue this--whatever it is you’re considering. I know your hurting but don’t pursue this Cameron. Leave it the way Noah would have wanted you to.”

  “What do you mean by that Adam? What did Noah tell you?”

  “It means don’t go chasing after ghosts. Accept the facts there in that folder and move on.”

  “I want to see him. I need to see him Adam.”

  “No, you don’t. You’ll see the pictures, their graphic enough to sicken even me. You don’t want to remember Noah that way.”

  I turned away from Adam to plead with Matt.

  “Matt, I have to see him. If he’s dead, I need to see that for myself. I need to bury him Matt.”

  “Cameron, you know that’s not allowed. Not when an agent is killed this way. You know as far as the world knows Noah never existed.”

  “He’s not dead is he, Adam? Why? Why won’t you tell me the truth?”

  “Matt, can you step outside for a moment?”

  Matt gave me a look that was the closest thing to sympathy I’d seen from him so far before hesitating. He wanted to be there for me because of my connection to Noah but he knew he had to follow Adam’s command.

  Matt closed the door quietly behind himself and Adam waited until he had time to walk away from the door before turning back to me.

  “Cameron, I know how hard this must be for you. It’s hard for me as well. You know I loved Noah like a son, but you have to accept this. He’s gone.” When I refused to hear what he was saying, Adam tried again.

  “Cameron, I know about you and Noah.” At my stunned expression, he slowly smiled. “We were very close. Of course, I knew about your...relationship. What you have to understand now, is this is what Noah wanted. He took this assignment for you--not for himself or me. He did what he had to do, knowing all the risks involved in it because he cared about you.”

  “What are you trying to say, Adam? If Noah really cared about me so much then why did he leave me?” I stared at him not fully comprehending what he was trying to say to me but frightened somehow of what his answer would be.

  “Because he knew how you felt about...things lately. Noah did this for you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m trying to tell you Cameron that Noah knew you wanted out. He went on assignment with the understanding that you would be allowed to leave The Organization. I’m prepared to fulfill that promise to Noah. I will allow you to leave The Organization and the Bureau but only under the condition that you let things go. Don’t dig too deeply into Noah’s death. Leave this alone Cameron or I swear you’ll regret it. And I think you know that’s not just an idle threat.”

  I watched Adam walked out my door without another word and I tried to determine out just what he really knew about me and my relationship to Elijah Jacobs.

  All I could think of was Noah. The man that meant everything to me was gone. I sank down to the floor where I stood and cried until there were no more tears left inside of me. I felt numb. A few days ago, this was what I’d wanted now I wanted to cry forever.

  Noah was dead. I tried to do what Adam asked and accept that as final but in my heart, I felt the worse type of rejection. Noah wasn’t dead he just didn’t want to be with me anymore.

  I almost wished that he were dead. Because the thought of living without him in my life now was almost crippling.

  I picked up the phone and called Noah’s secure phone punching in the pass code that confirmed I had authority to be calling his number. I listened to the strange silence followed by clicking that told me the call was being traced right before a sterile voice on the other end asked me to identify myself. I didn’t wait to hear what else that person had to say. I slammed the receiver down. I knew this was standard Bureau procedure when an agent was missing or down in the line of duty.

  Was it true then? Was Noah actually dead or was this just another twist in an already confusing game of the mind?

  I forced myself to look through the folder Adam had left for me. The pictures I found there were just as gruesome as I knew they would be. The person in those photos had been shot numerous times. The body was barely recognizable as human. It could be Noah, or it could be any one of a million other people who similar build and appearance. I still didn’t have any answers. I knew that I had to get away from D.C. as quickly as possible.

  Then what choice did I have? I wasn’t sure what Adam knew and I couldn’t risk my brother’s safety. I’m sure Adam had plenty of proof to back his threat up, even if he hadn’t yet discovered my family connection. If I stayed ‘in’, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he knew everything. Where would that leave my child and me? Or Judah for that matter. If I continued to pursue the truth, I would no doubt end up in custody. Or worse.

  Once I was out from under the Bureau’s watchful eye, I would try to find out the truth.

  I missed the next Agency meeting but no one called, no one stopped by. No one was there for me through my grief. It was as it should be. A solitary pain. A fitting end to our hidden marriage.

  I never left the apartment in those days. I sat most days simply staring out the window seeing nothing at all.

  For a long time I thought I would lose my mind. In fact, I almost prayed for that to happen. Surely, insanity would be a welcome relief than this emptiness that seemed to consume me from the inside out.

  And then, there was the first sign of life. I started feeling again.

  First, to come was the feeling of absolute rejection. In my heart, I knew Noah was still alive. In all the years, we’d known each other even after things got bad between us I’d always been able to count on this six sense between us. I could tell no matter where he was if he was okay or in danger. My six senses was telling me very clearly that Noah was not dead, as Adam would have me believe.

  What good did it do me? This sense of him. Was knowing Noah didn’t want to see me any better than believing him dead? At the moment, it sure didn’t feel like it.

  Slowly over time, I slipped into the second stage of grief. Anger. I was so angry with Noah, angry with Adam. Angry at the whole sordid business I was part of.

  How could Noah leave me like that in the first place? How could he not tell me the truth about his death? How could he just walk away from our marriage as if it meant nothing to him?

  I remembered Judah’s words to me that one night. I wondered just how well I truly knew Noah after all. He was good at what he did. Maybe our marriage had simply been another cover story to get me to lead him and his precious Agency to Judah.

  It was then that I started to come alive again in my anger. I was feeling something again. I mean, how could someone who really loved me simply disappear from my life without having the guts to tell me to my face. I hated admitting that there were so many things about Noah that I didn’t know. He rarely talked about his childhood. All that I really knew was that he grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. And that he never really knew his father and his mother was dead. But that was it. I didn’t know what schools he attended. Didn’t know anything about his friends growing up. I didn’t even know what his favorite foods were.

  For all those things, I found the will to live in my anger. At least his desertion had made me realize I couldn’t spend the rest of my life crying over someone who hadn’t really wanted me in the first place. I had an out. Adam had told me he would let me walk away. I was ready to take that offer and start over with my child somewhere normal was possible.

  I think everyone was just as surprised to see me at the next Agency meeting, as I was to be there. I had unfinished business with Matt. I n
eeded to tell him I was leaving. In my absence, things had definitely changed in the group.

  With my threat to disclose the document’s contents, it seemed that Judah had fulfilled his part of our agreement. Since I’d told Matt about the document, there had been no new intelligence on either Elijah Jacobs or the man known as Davis. They had simply disappeared from sight again.

  Matt still believed that it was only a matter of time before the event he’d been predicting for a long time came about. Only I knew the truth. Judah would remain true to his word.

  That night and much to everyone surprise Matt told us all that he was now actively recruiting a replacement for Noah. That had everyone nervous.

  “Matt don’t you think it’s a little too soon for that? I mean come on Noah’s barely been...gone a month now. Don’t you think we should leave things as they are for a while? Out of respect for his memory. Cameron, I mean this is hard on all of us. We all cared about Noah. We’ve lost one of our own. I think we can wait a little while to starting talking about replacing him don’t you? For God’s sake have some feeling for Cameron. Besides we haven‘t heard a sound out of the players in days. I think the immediate threat is clear. They know we’re on to them,” Shane said and I tried not to show how hard that was to hear.

  I didn’t want to feel angry with Matt or anyone else anymore. But it was still hard to talk about Noah. And I’d moved on from anger. I was well on my way to becoming a bitter woman.

  Matt was beyond listening to Shane or anyone else. He was on a mission of his own and he was in control. Matt was determined to prove himself fit as commander of The Organization to Adam.

  “Cameron, I’m sorry. I know how hard this has been for you but unfortunately, our work doesn’t stop with Noah’s death. Trust me I wish that it did. I am sorry. I know you and the rest of the group miss Noah but we have to keep going. We have to be prepared for anything. I know there’s been a lull in the chatter but that could mean anything Shane. I for one don’t plan to be caught off guard. The Organization’s work isn’t done just because Noah is no longer a part of it.”