by Eason, Mary
“I doesn’t really matter how, does it Cameron? He’s responsible for all the things he’s accused of. And you let him simply slip through your fingers. You let him play you,” he added quietly.
“That’s not true Noah. I don’t think Judah is the leader of the Red Jihad not for a minute. It’s not in him. I think someone else is who wants us to believe its Judah. I needed time to try to find out who. Noah, he’s my brother Noah. I had to find out the truth for my parent’s sake.”
“So you’ve decided you couldn’t trust me to help you? Why didn’t you tell me about this?” He got out of bed and reached for his clothes.
“Because I was afraid. Can’t you understand that? I was going to tell you but then you left on assignment. And then...Noah, where are you going?”
“Where do you think--I‘m leaving? I can’t stay. Are you crazy? You have any idea how bad this is?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I was afraid that you would take him in.”
“I would have. I wouldn’t have had a choice in it. And I don’t have one now. I have an obligation to the Bureau to let them know about what you’ve been up to Cameron.”
“No, Noah you can’t.” I was out of bed and reaching for him pleading for my brother‘s safety.
“You really think they won’t find out all the things you’ve done? The things we’ve both kept from them. What side are you on here anyway? It seems to me that you haven’t decided that one after all. I thought...because of your parents.”
“Stop it.” I said and pulled away from him. “I loved my parents, Noah. You know that. But Judah is my brother. What am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.” He sad quietly before coming to me and pulled me into his arms.
“All right I won’t say anything for the time being unless it becomes an issue, which I’m sure it will. But that’s the best I can promise you. Now, I think you’d better tell me everything.”
It was hard tell Noah about all the mistakes I’d made and all the allegiances I’d violated by pursuing the course that I’d been hell bent on taking.
“Cameron, I can’t believe I’m hearing this? From you of all people? You have any idea how much you’ve compromised The Organization not to mention the Bureau by what you’ve done? You realize you could be locked away in a federal prison for this. I shouldn’t even be here with you now.”
Noah began to prowl my bedroom searching for the rest of his clothes. Knew in a moment he would be gone. Lost to me forever.
“Noah, please don’t go. I know I should have told you about Judah, but I’m telling you now.” When he didn’t appear to be listening I tried one last thing. Noah, the baby is yours. You have to believe me.” He walked out of my bedroom and downstairs to the door before turning to face me again.
“Don’t bother Cameron, because I don’t believe you.” At the sight of my tears I saw Noah let go of some of his anger.
“I can’t stay with you, Cameron.” He insisted, taking a step closer to me.
“Noah--please. I can‘t lose you again.” I said taking another step closer to him.
We reached each other at the same time and he took me in his arms and held me close to him.
“I’ll stay until its born—just to make sure you’re okay. But I won’t touch you again. I won’t be here as your husband. I’ll stay in the guestroom until it’s born. But I’m only staying because of our past. Because of what we once meant to each other. That’s all.”
“I don’t have a guestroom Noah. It’s the baby’s room.”
“Then I guess I’ll sleep on the couch, won’t I?” he told me but still didn’t let me go. Noah held me close and I knew that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. But he wasn’t going to give to that need again.
“When is the baby due?” he asked and at last found the will to put me away from him.
“In four months. You really mean it. You’ll stay with me till then?”
“Yes,” I almost believed that Noah regretted that offer the second he looked into my eyes and saw my happiness. “But the only reason I’m doing this Cameron is because of our history together. I did care about you, you know. I loved you. But what you’ve done is unforgivable. I can ever forgive and I certainly could never forget that you’ve been touched by him. It goes against everything that I’ve worked and believed in for years. And I can’t protect you from the consequences of your actions when this gets out. And it will. There’s no way around it. You’ve betrayed everyone. You were one of us and you’ve switched sides. You’ve become a traitor.”
“That’s not true. I’m not a traitor, Noah.”
But Noah was no longer listening to what I said. He walked out the door and I followed him outside and held my breath until he came back to me carrying an overnight bag.
When Bo decided it was safe to come back, he sniffed around Noah who finally gave in to his love of dogs, even my dog and petted the animal.
“So is there any place around these parts that I can buy some new clothes? I don’t think what’s in here will do for long,” Noah said holding up his overnight case before smiling at me for the first time since walking into my home hours earlier.
“If you don’t mind wearing flannel and jeans?” I told him returning his smile. “We could go into town if you’d like?”
“I think it can wait until tomorrow. Are you up to traveling?” he asked me tentatively his eyes going to my stomach making me that much more aware of the barrier that stood between us.
“Yes, I’m fine. The doctor’s says I’m doing just fine. Everything is okay...” I stopped when I realized just how ridiculous Noah considered my words. “I mean…”
“I know what you mean Cameron, but let’s just drop it for now. I’m exhausted,” he said and looked slightly embarrassed. For the first time we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to get beyond this awkward silence. We weren’t supposed to be lovers but we weren’t simply friends either.
“Why don’t you take my room, Noah? I can sleep here or in my office. There’s a couch in there. I’ll be fine.”
“No, you should take the bed...I can sleep on the couch. What exactly do you do in your office? I know you have money from your parents but I can’t see you simply sitting around doing nothing with your time. How do you keep busy?”
I showed Noah to my small office, which was tiny, but sufficient for my needs.
“I’ve set up my own website for women caught in difficult situations.” I saw him look at me curiously and added. “I’ve learned a lot from you Noah. I was paying attention during all those times when you were showing me how to set up a website, you know?”
“Its good to know you learned something from me after all.”
After I brought him fresh towels, I left Noah alone to try and get settled into my office and I went to the kitchen and wondered what exactly we were going to eat.
I was never much of a cook myself. When we were together, Noah did most of the cooking. Since moving to the mountains I’d had high hopes. I planned to start concentrating on improving my cooking skills. After all I was about to become a mother. I certainly needed to learn how to cook for my child. On a whim I’d bought tons of staples, stocked up on everything I could think of, but for the most part I ate simple things that involved little or no work beyond opening a soup can. So much for good intentions.
I was still standing in front of my pantry staring at the boxes and cans of food there when Noah found me.
“Why don’t you let me take it from here, okay?”
I sat watching him prepare a beautiful meal out of all those boxes and cans, as always, amazed by Noah’s creativity. It almost felt like old times.
“Some things never change, do they Cameron?” he told me and smiled at my embarrassment.
“Yes, I guess your right. I don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of cooking. My poor son will have to learn to cook for himself.”
At the mention of the child, Noah’s expression sobered.
“Your son. I still can’t get used to the fact of you having a baby. How do you know it’s going to be a boy?” he asked holding my gaze just long enough for me to see the hope in those beautiful eyes.”
“I don’t know, I just do. I know I’m going to have a son.”
We ate in silence for such a long time that I finally forced myself to ask him what he’d been up to since leaving Washington.
“Working believe it or not.” At my skeptical look Noah smiled. “It’s true. Oh not selling computers or anything like that but I am designing websites and I have managed to land several pretty large contracts. It pays the bills.”
“Where are you staying, Noah...I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“I thought you already knew? Isn’t that how you tracked me down? You always were too good at detective stuff.”
“Yes. Noah, why didn’t you come back to D.C. Was it because of me or the job?”
“No, Cameron it wasn’t because of you. I couldn’t come back. I was in the hospital for weeks, then there were the countless operations. It wasn’t possible. And as far as the job goes, well Adam knew where I was.”
“Why didn’t you get word to me Noah? Why shut me out completely like that?”
“I thought I was doing what you wanted? I thought you’d be better off without me complicating your new life.”
“Oh Noah, that wasn’t the case. I needed you...” I didn’t finish those words. I didn’t want to go there right now. Noah and I were already on very shaky ground. I didn’t understand why he had come here when he’d made it obvious to me that he resented me and my friendship with Davis. I didn’t know if we could ever get beyond those obstacles but I feared that Noah would never accept our baby as his.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to beg him to believe me but in his eyes I saw the truth. Noah would never believe me. He would never accept me in his life again as his wife. He’d come here because he believed I was in trouble. And he was staying now simply because of our past. He’d leave me once the baby was born and I’d never see him again.
It was hard to be close to him now and not remember everything that we’d once meant to each other. All the seemingly insignificant moments that’s we’d shared together when I was too stubborn and self absorbed to realize what I had.
I said goodnight very early that night. For some reason even though I’d begged him to come to me I couldn’t stand to be close to him and not have it be the way it was in the past. It was almost painful.
I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I found myself waking up frightened and shivering crying while painful memories went round in my head. Images of Noah and of Davis. Each time it was as if Davis were trying to tell me something that was just beyond my understanding.
When sleep just wouldn’t come again I quietly went downstairs and forced myself to face the truth. I was no more read be a mother now than when I first found out I was pregnant. I was only fooling myself if I thought I could go through with this.
I dug through the stacks of information my doctor had first gave me and found the brochure about adoption. I read through the information for an adoption agency and wondered if this wasn’t time for me to think about what was best for my child.
I couldn’t raise a child alone. That much was evident. But I wasn’t sure I had the strength to give up my one last connection to Noah.
I was still standing there by my great room fire when Noah found me.
For the longest time I wasn’t aware of him standing in the doorway until he came close to me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me quietly and I tried to hide the evidence of my tears.
“Nothing. I just couldn’t sleep. Why are you up?”
I heard his frustration as he sighed just before he pulled me back against his body.
“What’s wrong, Cameron?” He turned me to face him when I didn’t answer.
In my hand I still held the piece of information about the adoption and Noah took in from me.
“What’s this?” he asked after he’d read through the page.
“Nothing...”
“You’re thinking about giving the baby up?” He searched my face.
I could only nod. I couldn’t find the words to tell him the truth.
“Why? I thought you wanted this child? I thought, well I thought you were excited.”
I pulled away from him before he saw the truth. Until now. Until tonight I’d still held out hope that Noah would return and realize that I was having his child and everything would be all right. Until tonight when he’d destroyed that fantasy for good. Now I realized I could never do it alone. I loved my child and I knew deep in my heart that it was Noah’s but I couldn’t’ face raising a child alone. I had to do what was best for my baby.
“I can’t do it, Noah. I just can’t do this alone. I was so sure...I wanted to be the best mother ever but what do I have to offer a child alone? Maybe this is for the best after all? I can’t do it.”
“Cameron...”
I think that somehow Noah believed this was some ploy on my part to get him back. I could hear all those things in his voice.
“You were right, Noah. You should go. I shouldn’t have asked you here. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay. This isn’t your concern anymore--I’m not your concern. I’m sorry that I brought you here. I should have realized it was over for us but I guess I just wasn’t ready to face that.”
He came to me again and brought me back into his arms. “Cameron.” I could hear the frustration edged with other emotions that I wanted to believe was still love. “Don’t cry Cameron. Please don’t cry. Look we’ll figure this out together.”
“No.” I pulled away from him with as much dignity as I could manage. I started up the stairs to my room. “No Noah, I really think its best if you just left. Please, it will be easier for me that way. Please just leave.”
I walked away from him and closed the door before slowly sinking down to the floor. Deep in my heart I guess I’d known the truth all along but having the distance between us made me want to believe it could be different. I knew the hard side of the world we lived in. There were no fairy tales in my world and certainly no happily ever afters. I’d only been kidding myself. Noah had told me the truth as plainly as he could. There was nothing left for me to do now except what was best for my child.
I heard my door open softly and felt him lift me up into his arms.
“Don’t, Noah. Please don’t.”
“Shh,” he told me before picking me up in his arms and carrying me to the bed. “It’s not over between us Cameron, no matter how much I wanted to believe it is. It’s not over Cameron.”
That night, Noah touched me the way only he could. Reaching parts of my being that had missed his closeness more than anything else in my cold isolated world. And when I lay in his arms I found I was still crying, because I knew this was only temporary.
“I’ve thought of nothing else but being with you again since I left Washington. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to walk away from you? Do you Cameron?” Noah leaned over searching my face.
“I don’t believe you, Noah. You never looked back--not once. You started over and you never even thought about me. You never tried to contact me. You never tried to see how I was doing, and even now, when I need you to believe me you reject me.”
“I don’t want to talk about the baby. I can’t do that yet. It’s hard enough knowing that you’ve been with another man. But it makes me want to kill you knowing that you’ve been with him.
“It wasn’t like that, Noah.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. But I don’t want to walk away from you either. We’ll figure the rest of it out, I promise. We’ll work it out Cameron. I don’t want you to give up your baby.”
“Our baby. It’s our baby, Noah. Why won’t you believe me?” I turned away from him then and heard his heavy sigh and then he was pulling me back into the warmth of his arms comforting me as only Noah could do.
I drifted off to sleep with the sound of his voice reassuring me that we would work things out together. But he never mentioned the baby, and I couldn’t accept anything he said as real.
*****
When I awoke the following morning, it was late. The room around me felt so warm and comforting that it took me a few minutes to remember what had happened the day before.
I heard the sound of Bo barking in the distance and the distinctively familiar voice of my husband. He was still with me. Noah was still here. That had to mean something. I could only pray that the things that Noah had said to me last night really meant that he still cared for me.
I took my time getting dressed that morning because at almost seven months pregnant I felt awkward in my own skin. Clumsy. It was hard doing even the simplest of tasks like dressing. Putting on shoes was another story completely.
Once I’d managed those chores, I faced my reflection in the mirror and decided it didn’t matter what I wore I still looked terrible.
It was in that frame of mind, feeling more depressed than even and pretty much discouraged about my future that I made my way down the stairs to find Noah standing in my kitchen making breakfast.
“Hi.” He turned when he heard me enter the room to look at me with that solemn look of his that never gave anything away. I didn’t know what he was feeling.
I didn’t know if we were right back to where we started from or if we were anything at all but over and I turned and walked away from him without a word before he knowing me the way that he did could spot my tears and my depression.
“Cameron.” His voice full of frustration before coming after me. “Cameron, don’t. I told you I wouldn’t walk away from you again. Don’t you believe me?”
I couldn’t tell him the truth. I didn’t believe him. I believed that once my child was born, Noah would leave me again. This time for good. I could only shake my head.
“Cameron, you have to trust me. If we’re going to make this between us you have to trust me. I promise, I’m not leaving you.”