by Nicola Haken
“Um, no… should I have?” I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. “Has something happened with you guys?” I opened my mouth to reply when Lori through a dramatic set of hands in the air. “Oh my god, if he’s dipping his wick in some other slut’s candle I’ll cut his balls off with a rusty razor!”
I giggled half-heartedly.
“It’s nothing like that. He’s just… having a few problems at home. I was just a little worried when I couldn’t get hold of him, that’s all.” I wished I could tell Lori everything. The knowledge of what was happening to Blaine was destroying me – eating me alive. But it wasn’t my secret to tell.
Secrets. They’re torture. They’d controlled my whole life. They brought nothing but pain and burden. I’d had enough.
“Blaine’s dad cuts him,” I blurted out before I had chance to change my mind. I exhaled a sigh of relief. It felt wonderful – like it was the first breath I’d taken in hours. We were just pulling up in the school car park at this point and after cutting the engine Lori shifted in her seat to face me.
“What?” she asked, confused.
“He cuts him. Like literally slices into his back. He’s got rows and rows of red and white scars. It’s been going on for years.”
“Holy shit, you’re serious aren’t you?” I nodded solemnly at her. “Sick fuck! Why the hell hasn’t Blaine gone to the police?”
“I don’t know. Fear? Trying to protect his sister? Shame…?” Tears stung the back of my eyes and I rubbed at them even though they hadn’t fallen yet.
“You know, I’ve heard girls talk about him being the only one on the football team who doesn’t take his shirt off after the game… I thought maybe he was just… private or something.” I sighed, crestfallen. “Jesus, Maddie I don’t know what to say,” Lori said, pushing out a breath that seemed to go on forever.
“There’s nothing you can say. You can’t tell anyone though. Blaine would never forgive-”
“Of course I won’t,” she interjected. “What do you take me for? You can tell me anything, girl, you know that.”
“I know, “ I admitted, smiling gratefully at her. “Thank you, Lori.”
“So… you think Blaine’s hurt? That’s why he’s not picking up?”
I shrugged. My heart struggled to beat.
“Blaine!” I exclaimed when I spotted him loitering outside the art block. “I have to go,” I called back to Lori even though I was already half way across the car park. “Blaine,” I exhaled, breathless from my sprint. Instinctively I opened my arms to wrap myself around him. He pushed me away.
“Don’t, Maddie,” he said forlornly. I immediately dropped my hands, afraid I’d somehow hurt him.
“What is it? What did I do?” I bent my head in an effort to meet his eyes which were staring at the ground.
“I have to go. I’ll be late for class.” Straightaway he started walking away from me. I grabbed his arm, pulling him back.
“Blaine what’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Are you… hurt?” I whispered the last word, looking around us to make sure no one could hear. He shrugged his arm out of my grasp.
“Please, Maddie, let me go. Just… let me go.” His voice held such desperation, such heartbreak. His expression was pained, his eyes burning red. I wanted to believe his words meant ‘let him go’ in the physical sense but the pain casting a dark shadow over his beautiful blue eyes told me he meant something entirely different. Something that was about to destroy me.
“Blaine?” I whimpered, swallowing back a sob.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I… I have to go.”
“Do what anymore? Blaine what are you talking about?” He was already walking away from me. “Blaine!”
My eyes burnt as the first tears broke free – tears that felt like they were made of acid. People slowed around me, stopping to gape at the spectacle I was making of myself as I stood sobbing into my hands. What had I done wrong?
Seconds later I felt arms wrap around me from behind. Not the arms I wanted though. They were small, dainty. The hands that met around my middle had flawlessly manicured fingernails.
“What happened?” Lori asked tenderly. I spun around to face her.
“I… I think Blaine just broke up with me.” My voice cracked as I struggled to speak past the tears clogging my throat. I expected some drama in response – a gasp, some hands flying perhaps. Instead Lori pulled my head into her shoulder and smoothed my hair.
“It’s okay. It’ll all be okay.”
When my tears eventually ran dry and I pulled away from Lori I saw Sky walk past with her entourage of clones. She threw me a death glare but didn’t actually say anything. It was only then I realised Lori had made no effort to hide her friendship with me in recent weeks and yet, quite uncharacteristically, Sky hadn’t shot her mouth off once.
“What’s the deal with Sky? You barely talk to her anymore,” I noted. Had Lori finally decided to call her bluff? Or maybe she’d realised the people who mattered wouldn’t give a crap about her sexuality.
“Let’s just say Sky’s been put in her place. She won’t dare say anything to anyone, therefore I have no obligation to put up with her bullcrap anymore.”
I raised an astonished eyebrow. Who had put Sky in her place? I was almost sure it wasn’t Lori. She was too… innocent. Plus I was pretty sure she’d have been so proud of herself that she’d have told me immediately. I didn’t have the energy to dig for information just now so I let it go.
“I’m gonna head home,” I told Lori. “Get the house ready for my mum. Will you cover for me?”
“Sure I will. Will you be okay?” she asked, her voice dripping with concern.
“I have no idea,” I replied honestly.
“I’ll call you at lunch?” she said it like a question. I nodded and attempted to smile. I don’t think it quite reached my face however.
After a quick hug I took off towards the main road. I walked over to the supermarket a few streets away and called a taxi to pick me up from there. When I got home I took myself to bed, wrapped myself up in my old-lady floral quilt, and cried until it felt like my eyes were bleeding.
“Shit!” I blasted when I woke up and saw the time. I didn’t remember falling asleep. It was four-thirty. I had half an hour to get to the hospital to pick my mum up.
I rushed straight to the bathroom and splashed my face with ice-cold water. It didn’t revive me like I’d hoped. I still felt like shit. After dabbing some concealer around my eyes in the hope my mum wouldn’t be able to see I’d been crying I threw on my work uniform, even though I hadn’t decided if I was actually going yet. I wasn’t comfortable leaving my mum alone so soon after her discharge. This time yesterday I thought Blaine would stay home with her while I worked.
Now though…
My taxi arrived just minutes after calling it and I made it to the hospital with five minutes to spare. When I reached my mum’s room she was signing a stack of papers on the wheeled table at the foot of her bed with a plump, grey-haired receptionist hovering over her. She flashed me an excited smile when she clocked me but almost immediately it melted into a frown.
“You’ve been crying,” she said.
Damn.
“No I haven’t. I’m great honest.” I lied, forcing a smile in place that I know she wouldn’t buy.
“Hmm, well we’ll talk about this later.”
Double damn.
“You all set?” I asked her, summoning as much fervour as I could manage.
“I think Doctor Andrews wants to speak with you first. Give you the rundown on how to babysit me.” She rolled her eyes before adding on “he’ll be here in a minute.” As if on cue Doctor Andrews strode into the room offering his hand for me to shake.
“I thought you might have some questions for me before you take your mom home?” Doctor Andrews said.
“Um…” I couldn’t think of anything and I flushed beet-red as I stood there like an idiot. “Oh, actually there is something.”
<
br /> “I’ll wait outside whilst you talk about me,” my mum interrupted with a petulant smirk on her face. I wanted to tell her she didn’t need to but in all honesty I just couldn’t be arsed.
“What can I help you with?” Doctor Andrews asked after my mum moodily slammed the door behind her. He assessed my reaction to her little outburst, as if he was wondering if I thought that was part of her illness. Truth is, she has always been a temperamental mare.
“I was just wondering about… well about leaving her alone.” I felt so selfish saying it out loud. Like I couldn’t be bothered staying home to look after my own sick mother. “It’s just I have work… and school. I mean I can stay home with her for a few days but I need my job. And school… I can’t just drop out of-”
“Maddie,” he interrupted when I became a blabbering mess. “I wouldn’t be discharging your mom if I thought it wasn’t safe for her to be alone. She needs normality – there’s no point in prolonging it. We all need to see how she copes in ‘the real world’ so to speak. I can’t deny it’s going to be difficult for her… for both of you. And for now I’d like your mom to come back twice a week to discuss her progress. But essentially, yes, Maddie, it is fine to leave your mom alone.” Relief coursed through my veins and in turn that made me feel guilty.
“Thank you, Doctor.” He nodded and smiled before gesturing towards the door. He paused when his hand reached the handle and turned back around.
“You know, when a patient experiences episodes of psychosis there is often a trigger. I’ve talked with your mom a lot and I feel like there is something she is holding back. Something she’s afraid to share. Have you any idea what that could be?”
My brow furrowed as I contemplated for a few long seconds.
“No, I don’t think so,” I replied honestly. My mum wasn’t afraid of anything – even of things that she should be. The doctor knew about her intermittent drug use, her ‘profession’ and the fact she’d spent the majority of her life running away… I couldn’t think of anything else. “I’ll talk to her,” I concluded.
“I think that would be a good idea. Although, don’t push her too far. If you feel like she’s… struggling, stop.” I nodded and bit my lip in confusion. Then I followed him out of the room.
“Come on, nut-job, let’s get you home,” I said affectionately, draping my arm over my mum’s shoulder. Doctor Andrews talked me through a couple of boxes of medication – mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics – then he stuffed them into a white paper bag before handing them to me along with a small printed appointment card.
When we reached home I’d barely closed the front door behind me when my mum started her inquisition.
“What’s he done?” she asked in a sympathetic drawl.
“Who?” I feigned ignorance. Of course she didn’t buy it.
“Come on, Maddie, cut the crap. You look like shit and you’ve not mentioned Blaine for the longest time since you jumped his bones…”
“Mum!” I admonished.
“It doesn’t take a genius to work it out. He’s pissed you off. So come on, what’s he done?”
“I, um, heard him talking to a girl on the phone?” I hadn’t meant it to come out like a question. I also hadn’t meant to spout a heap of complete bullshit. But I’d started so I’d have to finish. “I yelled at him and we argued. But then it, um, turned out to be… his sister?” I might as well have been holding a flashing neon sign that read ‘I’m lying through my arse cheeks’.
Amazingly my mum didn’t seem to notice.
“I never had you down as the jealous type,” she muttered with a scolding expression. “You know you need to apologise right?” I fought the urge to roll my eyes.
“I know. I will… I just need a couple of days.”
“Well he’s a good lad, Maddie. Don’t let him slip through your fingers.”
I wanted to cry. I loved him. I’d never let him slip through my fingers. But that might not be my decision to make anymore. I don’t quite know why I lied to my mum. Maybe because I didn’t want to face the truth. Or because I didn’t want her to think badly of Blaine. Or maybe because I thought Blaine would call any second now and make it all okay.
I still didn’t understand what had happened – what I’d done wrong.
Before I left for work I settled my mum down on the sofa in front of the telly. I’d found a channel a couple of weeks ago that airs Eastenders – although it’s a few months behind the UK. So with a quilt, a huge bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Jack Branning, my mum was set for the night.
Don and Michelle were giggling about something behind the walnut counter when I arrived. Don is a university sophomore – which I learned just yesterday means second year student– and was no doubt filling Michelle in on another eventful day on campus. When they heard the door ping they both looked my way and smiled. Instantly, their smiles faded.
“What’s wrong, Mads?” Don asked as I approached the counter.
Not again.
“Yeah, you look like shit,” Michelle concurred.
“Gee, thanks,” I muttered sarcastically.
“Seriously, girl, you okay?” Michelle rubbed at my shoulder whilst I repeated a mantra in my head. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
Then… I cried my treacherous eyes out.
Michelle ushered me into the back room and Don eventually joined when the floor was quiet. I poured my breaking heart out to them. I explained what had happened in the car park with Blaine and how confused it had left me, although I missed out anything to do with his father. Therefore, without any real facts, they could only reach one conclusion – Blaine was a jackass.
I just couldn’t believe that. I knew Blaine. I loved him for crying out loud! And I know he loved me too. Either that or he was one hell of a fucking actor. It had to be something to do with his dad. I wondered if he’d threatened him, or hurt him so badly he just couldn’t bear to talk about it. In that moment I decided I wouldn’t give up on him. I couldn’t. I loved him.
So, before I had chance to talk myself out of it I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialled Blaine’s number. I wasn’t surprised when I heard his answerphone message, ‘Hey, it’s Blaine. Your turn…’
“Hey, it’s Maddie. Talk to me. Please, Blaine. I don’t understand. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. Have you broken up with me? Are you just pissed off with me? I need answers, Blaine. I’m going out of my fucking mind! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just confused. I need you. Please call me. Please. I love you.”
Yep, I’m pretty sure I failed my mission to not sound like a pathetic and desperate mess.
The rest of my shift dragged laboriously. I liked to think I was doing a pretty good job of not allowing myself to think about Blaine, or how much my chest hurt, but seeing as I found myself checking my mobile every thirty seconds in case I’d missed his call – I guess I wasn’t doing as well as I thought.
Nearing the end of my shift, I headed into the back room to hang up my cobalt-blue apron. The place was dead so I didn’t think Michelle or Don would mind if I slacked off for the last fifteen minutes. As I slumped down into the black leather sofa I started to wonder how I was going to get home. Blaine always took me home. The thought made my eyes sting.
It was almost ten o’clock so I didn’t fancy my chances on the bus with a bunch of potential rapists and murderers. I didn’t want to walk for the same reason. So, I guess a taxi was my only option. In all honesty though, I was a little apprehensive about being alone with a taxi driver at this time of night too. There was something about the dark that made everyone seem that little bit more intimidating.
“You came!” I heard Michelle beam through the thick wooden door. I thought nothing of it and went back to deciding which route home was least likely to get me assaulted. But then my ears pricked up at a familiar voice.
“Sure did. Am I too late to grab an iced latte?” Lori asked. I stood up and heaved the heavy door open.
&nb
sp; “I’ll always make an exception for you,” Michelle said with what looked like a suggestive grin as I joined them at the counter. Then, I could almost swear I saw her wink at Lori. Was I missing something?
“Wow, Maddie, you look like shit,” Lori said, wrapping an arm around me as I joined her at the barstools at the other side of the counter.
“So I’ve been told.” Repeatedly in fact.
“He’s not called then?” I simply shook my head. I couldn’t talk about it. If I did, I would cry. “Well I’m giving him two days to get his shit together then he’s gettin’ a piece of my mind. I don’t care what crap he’s got going on in that dumbass head of his but he’s not making my best friend feel like this.”
Damn. Against my will, I started bawling my eyes out.
“Fuck, Lori, I think I might be turning into… a cheerleader.” Sounds ridiculous I know but I really did feel like I was being that dramatic. I was crying at everything – even things un-Blaine related. Lori giggled which in turn made Michelle and Don feel comfortable enough to laugh along with her.
“Hey you know I was a cheerleader in sophomore year right?” she gasped, feigning hurt.
“That’s different. I like you, so I’m willing to overlook all the overly girly crap you’ve got going on,” I teased. Again she chuckled. “Can I be a cheeky cow and cadge a lift home from you?”
“Sure you can. You ready now?”
I looked at the round white clock above the back room door.
“I don’t officially finish for another five minutes.”
“Go on, Mads. Get your ass home and sleep off some of your shit,” Don said as he began the process of wiping down the tables for the night. If only it was that easy…
“Great!” Lori squealed, taking her latte-to-go from Michelle. “Let’s go.” I nipped in the back room to get my bag and then followed Lori towards the exit. She stopped as she opened the door and looked back towards the counter, her eyes so bright as they locked onto Michelle I was pretty sure they’d be visible from space. “I’ll call you later!” she hollered with a smile so wide I thought her face might crack.