Then she had a strange thought.
Would Sebastian have liked her to wear silk nightgowns? Was it possible that his lack of enthusiasm for his marital duties had been because she had not been doing things right? Her mother had said nothing of such matters.
But then she had no indication, other than a large family, that her father had enjoyed his duties. She knew from her own experience that very few connubial visits were needed to start a child.
Was it possible she, and her sisters, and her mother, and possibly her mother's mothers through the generations had all been doing it wrong? Fluttery panic started in the pit of her stomach. Had Leander's calmness about Rosie's sickness on their wedding night been a reflection of relief that he did not have to go on with it?
Had not been able to go on with it?
Judith remembered now those embarrassing occasions when Sebastian had come to her bed and nothing had happened. Sometimes he had hurt her then, squeezing at her and pushing, but he hadn't entered her, and she had known it was because he hadn't stiffened properly. The stiffening was the sign that a man wanted his wife, and Sebastian clearly hadn't wanted her....
The panic spread, and she started to feel sick.
She remembered her wedding night. Had all that playing around been because Leander had been trying desperately to stiffen himself, and it hadn't been working?
The maid had finished dressing her hair in two plaits. Now she bustled off to pass the warming pan around the bed one last time, then left, taking the pan with her. Judith just sat there, looking at herself in the mirror.
He'd danced with princesses, probably bedded them, too. What could he want with Judith Rossiter, even in silk?
No, not Judith Rossiter. Judith Knollis.
No, not that either. He'd explained that a countess used her title as her surname. She was Judith Charrington.
She swallowed and raised her chin. If she was, it was completely at his insistence. If he found he did not like it, he had no one to blame but himself. She would do her duty, and give what she had promised as best she was able, and if he couldn't perform his duties, well...
Judith pressed her hands over her mouth. It would be so embarrassing.
She extinguished the candles, and slid into the warm, cloud-soft bed. She was immediately snuggled in a silky hollow like a mouse in a nest, but even that sensual delight could not soothe her. She felt chilled as she waited for him.
She heard the clock ticking away the minutes, and distant noises, but she couldn't tell if they were Leander preparing for bed, or the servants about their tasks. Her eyes became accustomed to the dark, so the fire-lit room did not seem dark at all. She wished it were pitch black.
* * *
Leander put on his nightshirt and velvet dressing gown, surprised at how nervous he felt. Their wedding night debacle had not been his fault, but all the same, he felt if he didn't carry off tonight with panache Judith would have reason to wonder at him.
This decorous bedding in the dark wasn't his normal style, and he wasn't comfortable about it. He was resolved, however, to do it this way the first time for Judith's sake. Then he would gently try out some more interesting approaches if she were willing.
If she wasn't, he wouldn't insist, though he would be disappointed....
He realized he was delaying, and shook his head. He extinguished the candles in his room and headed for his wife's room.
Judith heard the door open and turned to look. He was far from the fire, and just a dark shape. He came over to the bed.
"Good heavens," he said. "Are you in there?"
It summoned a chuckle even in her anxious state. "Very much in. I'm not sure how I climb out, but it's wonderfully comfortable."
He shed his robe and slipped between the covers. Now the warm hollow held the two of them, snuggled together. He pulled her into his arms. "I think I like this. Like frolicking in the clouds."
Despite all her fears, Judith reacted to the comfortable cheerfulness of his voice and the pleasure of his embrace, and relaxed.
He dropped a kiss on her cheek. "Betty is sleeping with Rosie. If anything occurs short of imminent death, she is to handle it."
That further reassured Judith. "You were disappointed, then?" she asked shyly.
"Did you think I wasn't? And I thought you'd have appreciated my noble forbearance. Were you not disappointed?"
"Yes," she admitted softly. In this private hollow, deep in down and under blankets, the firelight hardly glowed. It was a private place.
He kissed her lips, gently, but openmouthed. His tongue teased at her lips so she could not help but part them. He moved back. "I won't disappoint you again," he promised.
"It wasn't your fault ."
He silenced her with another kiss, harder, more demanding. Judith knew what she must do, and opened her mouth. His tongue explored her. She allowed it, not knowing if there was anything more she should do. This was all unlike Sebastian, even their position. With this soft, silkily shifting mattress, there seemed no possibility of lying neatly on her back; they just seemed to roll together.
He kissed her neck. He kissed her ear. His hands wandered gently over her body. His lips explored her neck. A warm tide flowed through her, loosening all bonds and she had to struggle to keep her wits about her, to try to do things right. Then his palms passed lightly over her nipples, and she gasped with surprise at how sweet that fleeting touch had been.
He drew back for a moment. Then his hands came up to hold her head as he kissed her. His tongue became hard, and he slid it in then out, again, and again. At this blatant simulation, Judith made a choking protest. His lips freed hers. "Good," he said. "I was beginning to think the children were a product of virgin births."
Judith struggled away. "I'm sorry..."
He groaned. "God, I am, too. I didn't mean it like that. I had an attack of funk. I've never done this before, you know, and you have."
"What?" But a moment's thought assured her he couldn't be saying he was a virgin.
She heard the humor in his voice. "Made love to a spouse, in the dark, in nightclothes."
She was doing it all wrong. "I'm sorry," she said again, trying to struggle up, to get out of her nightdress, to go light the candles....
"Oh hell," he said and kissed her again, pressing her back into the bed. It was a hot and powerful kiss, and denied any attempt at struggle. A hand took possession of a breast and made magic there as it had on their wedding night. Then it traveled down, over silk, exciting every scrap of skin it tantalized, found the hem, traveled up again under silk, agitating nerve endings, to end in the curls between her thighs.
Sebastian had touched her there when he'd wanted to enter her. Judith tried to roll onto her back and spread her legs, but Leander's body and the mattress wouldn't let her. She made a little sound of distress against his lips.
Leander didn't know what the hell he was doing wrong, but if they stopped to talk about it, they'd never get this done, and that would be even worse. He broke the kiss. "Am I hurting you?"
"No, but..."
"Hush then," he said, and moved his lips to her breast.
Judith caught her breath at the sweet sensation, but remembered he didn't want noises. It was hard. His hand and mouth made her want to make noises.
She couldn't stop the gasps.
She was feeling hot and dizzy, and her heart had begun to pound in the most alarming way. She was feeling sick as she had the last time. She almost asked him to stop until she had herself in hand again, but that would be disastrous.
He did not so much move on top of her, as pull her under him as they rolled in the billowing bed. They ended up in the familiar position at least, and she felt him hard against her. At least he'd stiffened.
She was breathing in deep gasps, and strangely aching there, where he touched. She wanted him in her, as she had never wanted such a thing before, but she couldn't say so. It would be indelicate, and he'd told her not to speak...
"My wife,"
he said softy, and slid into her.
Judith rose to help him seat himself, and gave a long sigh. Nothing had ever felt quite so right in her life. It must be because she loved him...
But that he must never know!
She worked at staying calm as he did his duty, biting her lip to hold back noises, controlling a need to thrust up at him, draw him deeper and deeper.
He gave his seed with a gasping shudder, and swooped down to kiss her deeply and hotly so that, despite all her efforts, a shudder passed through her, with something else hovering in its train. She felt raw, and aching, and still rather sick, which had never happened to her before. Would it always be this way?
But at long last it was done.
He moved them so they were back in one another's arms, side by side. His hand cherished her face. "I'm sorry," he said. "That wasn't quite what I intended."
Judith didn't know what that meant, and had never even contemplated discussing the act. It probably meant she'd done it wrong.
"I just wanted to do it in the way you'd be comfortable with," he said, "but I don't think I did it right...."
Was it possible he was a virgin? Had been? "It was fine," she assured him. What else could she say?
"It can be better," he said dryly.
No, not a virgin.
Just disappointed.
She swallowed tears. She'd thought she was all grown up, but she felt like a young, scared girl again. "I'm sorry," she gulped.
"Stop saying that!" His voice was sharp. He took a deep breath. "Judith, it's no one's fault. We just have to learn how to get along. It was doubtless the same with your first husband. No," he suddenly said. "It was my fault. I became obsessed with getting it done, making you my wife. I should have taken more time." He kissed her gently. "But now you most certainly are my wife, aren't you?"
Judith had to smile, for he did sound truly pleased about that at least. "Yes, I most certainly am your wife."
He rolled slightly, so she was lying half over him.
"That's good. But I can't take this sort of strain. Next time we're doing it my way." His hand gently rubbed her bottom. "You'll like it, I promise you."
On the whole, Judith thought it would be good to see how it was really supposed to be done. She wondered sleepily if when she found out, she should tell her mother and sisters....
Chapter 14
Judith awoke to find herself alone in the bed. Deep in her downy nest, she ruefully contemplated the consummation of her marriage. It had been a muddle, but at least it was done, and it would appear he had experienced no particular difficulty in stiffening himself. That soothed her pride.
And it would appear Leander knew how it was supposed to be, and was going to show her. The only problem she had with that was the alarming tendency she had developed to lose control in his arms. She was going to have to think of ways to prevent it.
The undermaid crept in to light the fire. A little later, Emily appeared with her morning chocolate. Judith struggled into a sitting position with the bed billowing about her. Emily draped a soft shawl around her shoulders.
"The children are awake and would like to visit you, milady."
Judith gave permission, and soon the children bounced in. They climbed on the end of the bed and gave a whoop of delight as the mattress shifted about them. "This is like playing in clouds, Mama!" Rosie declared.
Judith blushed. "Yes, isn't it?"
Bastian giggled. "It looks as if the bed is eating you, Mama."
"Oh no!" Judith screamed. "My toes! It has my toes!"
She was claiming the bed had her as far as her knees when Leander burst in, in shirtsleeves. He stopped when he saw them all in giggles.
Rosie called out, "The bed's eating Mama, Papa Leander! Save her!"
He came over and grabbed Judith under the arms, hauling her up. Judith caught some sheet between her legs to stop him. "Aah! It's no use! Save yourselves, my innocents!"
Leander was laughing so much, he had little strength. "Bounce on the bed, children," he commanded. "Make it let go."
They gleefully obeyed, and with a great tug, Judith emerged into Leander's arms to be swung around. "All still there?" he asked with a grin.
Judith solemnly inspected her toes. "Saved in the nick of time."
"Good," he said, and winked at her. "Perhaps you should sleep with me until we have that carnivorous bed tamed."
"What does carnivorous mean?" Rosie asked. Both children were still bouncing on the bed.
"Meat eating," said Leander.
"Oh," said Rosie, unconcerned.
Bastian leapt off. "Silly! People are meat, too, you know."
Rosie scrambled off too. "I am not meat."
"Yes you are. Just like a silly sheep."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes, you are!"
"I'm not. I'm not!"
"Stop!" Judith commanded, horrified at the monsters her children were becoming.
They both stopped, but glared at one another.
"Bastian," Judith pronounced, "after breakfast you will write thirty times in your best plate, I must not be rude to my sister. Rosie, you will prepare to explain to me in what way people are not meat."
"Yes, Mama," they said in sullen unison.
"Good. Then go and dress."
When the children had gone, Leander drew Judith into his arms for a kiss. "How stern you are. In what way are people not meat?"
"In no way at all," said Judith, flustered to be behaving in such a way in daylight. "Though Rosie may bring in the matter of our immortal souls. I merely hope she will think on the subject."
He grinned. "May I hope to hear her dissertation?"
"Of course, though you mustn't expect too much from a six-year-old."
The children continued to be subdued throughout breakfast, though Leander's reminder that there would be riding later did raise the clouds a little. When they were finished, Bastian went off to do his punishment, and Rosie was told to say her piece.
She stood, hands clasped in front of her. "I have considered, Mama, and it would appear that people are meat, except that God made us special and gave us immortal souls. God also gave us dominion over the animals," she added firmly, "so they don't eat us."
Judith decided to leave that error uncorrected for the moment, and was about to congratulate her daughter on her thoughts, when Rosie said, "But this has made me wonder about Daniel, Mama."
"Daniel?" queried Judith with a sinking feeling.
"In the lions' den. The lions were going to eat him, weren't they?"
Before Judith could answer that, Rosie carried on, "And the Christians in Rome were thrown to the lions." Her lips started to quiver. "Mama, I don't want to be eaten!"
Judith opened her arms, and Rosie ran into them. "Truly, Rosie, people are very rarely eaten, and never in England." She looked to Leander, hoping that was true.
"Absolutely," he said. "There are no large carnivores in England except in menageries."
Rosie peeped at him. "Truly?"
"Word of a gentleman."
"And the bed wasn't truly eating Mama, was it?"
"Absolutely not. We were playing."
"Grown-ups don't play," the little girl said with authority.
He smiled at Judith in a way that made her hot. "Oh yes they do."
"Papa didn't play," said Rosie.
"Well, this papa does."
Reassured, Rosie went off to prepare for her ride. Judith shook her head. "How strange it must be to be six, and not sure what is real in the world and what is not."
"Are you sure what is real and what is not?"
"Of course," said Judith, then wondered. She wasn't sure of much in some areas.
"Look at my situation with the Temple. What is real, and what is not?"
"We will find out as soon as we get there," said Judith firmly.
"Yes, of course." But he didn't sound convinced. "What are your plans for the day?"
"I have none in particular. I did think
I might buy some Christmas items. We're used to making some decorations for the house..." She trailed off at the thought of the Temple. "The children will like to put up wreaths in their rooms, at least," she said.
"I hope you will put up wreaths everywhere. I want a rollicking English Christmas. Spiced ale and sugarplums, holly and mistletoe."
Judith saw he was serious. "Very well, then," she said, but she couldn't quite imagine it. "I would like to send something special to my family if you don't object," she continued. "Some food and gifts. And I suppose I will find more interesting toys for the children here than in Somerset."
"Toys," he said, bright eyed. "I, too, must look into it."
"There is no need for us both to buy them a gift. They will be spoiled."
"No they won't. And I, too, want an excuse to rummage around in a toy shop."
Judith shook her head at him. "Then buy gifts for your cousins, sir."
"But they want to kill me," he protested, in a way that showed he did not take the matter seriously at all.
Judith, however, felt a frisson of alarm at his words. "Don't joke about it."
"Why not? I've told you it's nonsense. They doubtless hope to keep me away so they can continue to live at the Temple, and shave off large amounts of the earldom's income, but they would not go so far as murder. It hardly seems appropriate to take them gifts, however, when I intend to throw them out."
"I would have thought it very desirable. Even if you have to be firm with them, you'll want to turn them up sweet afterward."
"How well you know me already," he murmured, advancing for another kiss. "How easy is it to turn you up sweet, true wife of mine...?" But then they heard the children returning and moved apart Bastian presented his lines for approval, and then Leander took them away to the equestrian center.
Judith ordered the carriage and went shopping.
She was modest in her purchases, for after settling her bill with Mr. Browne, she did not have a vast amount of money, though it was more than she would have dreamed of weeks ago. On consideration, she was resolved to inform Timothy Rossiter immediately that she had no further need of his allowance. It was hardly his fault his brother had been an improvident fool, and she could not in conscience take any more of his money. Her overgenerous pin money, even what was left of it, would surely be adequate for all her needs.
Jo Beverley - [Rogue ] Page 20