by J. J. Murray
"Ruth, you just can't "
"Can't what?" I interrupt. "Can't bring children to the house of the Lord?"
I hear him take a massive breath. "You are just bound and determined to hurt me in every way you can"
"I'm bringing two wonderful children to church. If that hurts you, you should get out of the preaching profession. `Suffer the little children to come unto Me,' right?"
He doesn't speak for the longest time. "So you and the white man are serious?"
"His name is Dewey Baxter, and yes, I'm gettin' serious." Not too sure about Dewey bein' serious back, but I'm workin' on it.
"I don't know who you are anymore, Ruth"
"What you talkin' about? You knew I was half white when you married me. I've tried one half of me and got you. That was a mistake. Now I want to see how my other half lives."
"Dr. Holt needs to increase your medication."
"Haven't seen Dr. Holt in months."
"You haven't?"
So Jonas doesn't know everything. "No. I'm completely me now."
"Well, that will change some things."
"Such as?"
"How much spousal support I have to give you"
"From the pittance I get now, you might as well cut me off entirely." What am I saying? Oh, yeah. I don't want to have anything to do with this man, and that measly little check hurts my pride.
"I'll see my lawyer."
"Good." Dag, we're talking and being civil. Is this the good news? "Jonas, I have to know something, and if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. Did you marry me because I'm light-skinned? It wasn't because I was beautiful"'
"I married you because God called me to"
"You must not have heard Him right. Did God call you to marry Junie so soon after our divorce?"
"As a matter of fact, He did."
"You got to get your ears cleaned out, Jonas. You still got a whole lot of shit up in there. I'll get Fred to loan you his Mason jar so you can hear God more clearly."
"I don't have to listen to this," Jonas barks, and he hangs up on me.
But I'm not mad.
Wait a minute. I'm not mad. What is wrong with me? I should be mad. He had no right to say any of what he said, yet ... It just doesn't matter anymore. I don't give a shit what Jonas thinks anymore. Thank You, Lord.
I return to Fred with the goofiest smile on my face. "You were right."
"What was the good news?"
"I don't have to play at my ex-husband's wedding."
"Hmm. And the bad?"
"I've pissed off my ex-husband"
Fred nods a bit. "You sure you ain't got 'em mixed up?"
"What?"
"Maybe not playin' is the bad news, and pissin' off your ex is the good news"
I shake my head. "No, I think I got it right."
He empties the rest of his tea on the ground and dries the jar with a napkin. "I'll let you know."
"You don't have to, Fred. It's pretty obvious to me"
But of course, I have to think about it the rest of the day. Not playing is bad news? Naomi will certainly be happy, and I won't have to see the man who I used to love marrying someone else. But I won't get any closure, and Kevin won't get a big audience. And pissing Jonas off is good news? When that holy man's really angry, he can do some unholy damage. I lost so many friends during the divorce ... but I'm making many more. And in a wicked way, I want him to be angry, even afraid of me. He knows I can ruin him for life, and though that makes me feel powerful, I don't intend to exercise that power. Yet. Besides, an angry Jonas might just self-destruct on his own without my help.
I can't help but humming "Ain't-a That Good News" off and on through the afternoon and evening, even adding the line: "I've pissed-a off the good reverend, ain't-a that good news?"
sixteen
Bright and early Sunday morning, I collect Tee and Dee and march them to Antioch. Dewey was barely awake, kissing each on the forehead and winking at me before shutting the door.
That single wink ... Damn, that's better than coffee to start my day. I don't need me no caffeine-I need winks from a cute man with dimples.
Dewey has done a decent job of dressing them. Tee wears a frilly dark purple dress with white tights and black shoes, and Dee sports a gray suit and red tie. Both look scrubbed and polished, and neither seems reluctant to go to church with a penny-colored lady wearing a black dress with a white collar. Jonas had said that I looked too "Catholic" in this dress and forbid me to wear it, and that's why I am wearing it today. I want that man to notice me more today than when we were married. I have this feeling deep down in my bones that something wonderful is going to happen today.
We get us some double-takes going into Antioch, let me tell you. I hear some fine whispers like "Isn't that-" and "Will you look at-" as we skip down the sidewalk and go in the side door to the basement. I lead "my children" through a maze of folding chairs to the back corner where Mrs. Robertson's room is, smiling at anyone who stares openmouthed at us.
"Got some new additions to your class this morning," I tell Mrs. Robertson, a sweet, smiling woman who was my Sunday school teacher thirty years ago and is one of the few people from the old days who still speaks to me. "I'd like you to meet Tee and Dee Jones"
"Tiffany Jones's children?"
"Yes"
"My, you two have grown. I remember when you were so tiny" She shows them to a table full of smiling children. "Miss Ruth, I'd like you to stay with us this morning. I think you'll like the lesson."
"I wouldn't miss this for the world." I don't want to be away from Tee and Dee for a single second today. I don't know how any mother can bear to be away from her children during church. There just seems to be something so ... holy about sharing the service with them.
I sit in a folding chair behind Dee, just in case the lesson reminds him of his mama.
After we sing a few songs, Mrs. Robertson pulls out this hideous, hairy puppet and wears it on her right hand. "This here's Goliath," she tells them. "Anyone know who Goliath is?"
"He a giant," one child says.
"You're right. He was a big of giant who no one could beat. He was the champ, and everybody was afraid of him."
"Everybody?" Tee asks.
"Everybody. They say he was eight or nine feet tall."
"He coulda played basketball," a little girl says.
"Right," Mrs. Robertson says. "One day, of Goliath starts challenging some folks to a fight." She holds the puppet out and growls, "Which one of you is brave enough to fight against me?"
Tee raises her hand. "I am!"
Mrs. Robertson doesn't miss a beat. "But you're so small. You wouldn't stand a chance against me!"
"Wanna bet?" Tee says, and she jumps to her feet.
"Tee," I whisper. "Sit down. It's only a puppet"
"Oh," Tee says. "Sorry."
"The folks who were afraid of Goliath needed someone to fight for them, but who were they gonna find who was gonna be brave enough, and strong enough, and smart enough to fight for them?" She winks at me.
Daa-em, she's been talking about Jonas as Goliath the entire time, and I ain't been listening. Am I supposed to be David? Hell, this David is twice the size as Jonas, and Jonas ain't nearly as hairy as the puppet.
Mrs. Robertson puts Goliath down and pulls out a smaller puppet, a curly-haired David, and puts him on her left hand. "This is David. He's a shepherd boy. Can this little shepherd boy beat Goliath?"
"No!" the children cry, but Dee ... The boy's nodding.
Mrs. Robertson notices and talks with the puppet to Dee. "Dee, do you think I can beat that of giant Goliath?"
Dee nods.
"I think I can whip that of giant and I won't even need any armor or even a sword. All I will need are five little rocks" Mrs. Robertson reaches into a pouch tied to the puppet's waist and pulls out five tiny stones.
"How can five little rocks kill a big giant?" Tee asks. She is so curious. I'll bet that's why she gets in so much trouble
at school. Tee is no dummy. She's just a very active learner who wants answers, and I'll bet her teacher, Miss Freitag, ignores her questions. I'm gonna have to straighten that. "A little rock can't kill a giant," she says in her grown-up's voice.
"I'll just use my slingshot." Mrs. Robertson removes a tiny slingshot looped around the puppet's shoulder. She places a tiny stone in it and holds it with the puppet's arms. "Now, where's that of giant, Goliath?" She slides her right arm back into Goliath. "Here I am. Who are you, little man?" She holds David out to Dee. "You want to be David, Dee?"
He shakes his head.
"All you have to do is put him on. I'll say all his parts"
Dee takes the puppet and slides it on, the tightest little smile on his face. Dag, I feel a rush of pride because my boy is the star!
"I'm David, you big bully, and I'm gonna knock your block off," Mrs. Robertson says. The children giggle. "And then, David used that slingshot and threw that rock and bonked of Goliath right on the head" She drops the Goliath puppet on the table, and a few children shrink back.
"Is he dead?" Tee asks.
Mrs. Robertson nods. "A little boy not much bigger than all of you used his brain to beat a giant. You don't have to be big; you don't have to be strong. As long as you use your brain, you can do anything."
After that, we make David puppets out of brown paper bags (I'm sure David had a tan, being a shepherd and all); then each child "talks" to Goliath. Most of the children repeat what Mrs. Robertson said, but not Tee. "I got you, you of bully, you!" she says with glee. "I'm the champ! I'm the champ!" This child will one day be an actress.
Dee only moves his puppet's lips, but that's more than I expected. I wonder what he said to Goliath. I need to speak to Fred about Dee.
We leave Mrs. Robertson's class a little early so I can play the prelude upstairs. I sit on the bench at the organ, Dee on my right, Tee on the left, and play "God Still Answers Prayer" as folks stream in, many of them singing along. Tee asks a zillion questions about the stops, the words on the stops, the white keys, the black keys, the foot pedals, the pipes ... and I whisper as fast as I can, but I can't keep up with her. I'm beginning to pity Miss Freitag. I glimpse back to the congregation when I can and see Kevin way up in the balcony with his mama. I feel the need to impress him, so I play "Still Have Joy" with all the stops pulled out. Tee and Dee cover their ears, but I don't care because the song is so true.
At precisely 10:30, Jonas enters and takes his place on the little pew to the right of the pulpit, and Cedric Lee, the choir director, opens the service with a rousing, foot-stomping rendition of "He's Able." Jonas, as usual, doesn't sing, turning and kneeling in front of the little pew to pray. But he ain't prayin' today. He's looking up at us. I smile at him, and when I do, I see Sam's bald head bobbin' down the center aisle following Angie and Paulette. Thank You, Lord! During the opening prayer, I keep my eyes open and check out Deacon Rutledge, who also has his eyes open. He's whispering something to Sam, and Sam's smiling and whispering back, and all the while Jonas stares at me with daggers in his eyes.
This is gonna be one helluva service!
Tee and Dee are curious children, but once I stop playing, they don't turn their little heads to look at the congregation for nothin'. I can only imagine what folks are thinking. The soft-hearted ones will see me with two children. The hardhearted will see me with two children that I couldn't have. Who cares what they think at least they're thinking something for a change.
I take Tee and Dee to a little pew to the side during the sermon and unwrap two mints as slowly as I can. Crinkle crinkle crinkle. Jonas can't stand the sound of crinkling wrappers during a sermon and waits till I've put a mint in each child's mouth. Crinkle crinkle crinkle. He sighs deeply before taking off his watch and laying it on his Bible. I think we-Jonas, me, and the children-now have the undivided attention of the entire congregation. That's right, y'all, look upon me and these children and your preacher and wonder some more. Wonder how I have two beautiful children up here when I ain't married to your preacher. Think hard now. Figure it out.
"I have been led of the Lord to change the topic of my sermon this morning," Jonas says, "so please turn with me to Ezra, chapter nine." Guess my old John 3:1-16 sermon will have to be recycled for another Sunday. I flip to Ezra and see a bunch of puzzled folks in the audience. He's never done this before, but I'm sure he has a reason.
Me and the two children beside me.
Deacon Rutledge stands to read the verses, but Jonas waves him down. "They can read it for themselves, Deacon Rutledge."
Two changes in tradition in one service at Antioch Church? Jesus, You ain't comin' back today, are You?
"Today's sermon will cover the sinful practice of intermarriage with heathen."
Oh no he didn't!
"The Israelites, God's chosen people, were guilty of mingling their holiest of holy races with the heathen blood of others, and Ezra was appalled and ashamed and disgraced."
I hope Junie's readin' between the lines on this one, because she's about to mingle her blood with the biggest heathen in the church. I see her marking in her Bible. Think it through, girl! Make the connection!
"The Lord, Who had delivered them out of bondage, Who had delivered them out of abject slavery, Who had brought them to the promised land, Who had saved them from shackles and the whip-the Lord God forbade these marriages, yet ... They happened"
Oh, now he's trying to get racial. Since when have black folks been Jewish? We about as Jewish as the Pope, Jonas! I can't let this go on much longer, and I feel something stirring deep inside me.
"They intermarried with corrupt, detestable people-"
"Amen!" I shout, and Tee and Dee cringe beside me. I have never done this before. Never. I'll join in, but I have never started an "Amen!" in my life. No one else, however, seconds me. My "Amen!" dies with a tiny echo.
"And ... and ... They intermarried and showed no shame!" Jonas shouts. "They were drowning in sin!"
"Drowning in sin!" I shout. "Yes, Lord! Hallelujah! Heading straight to the bottom of the ocean of sin!"
You can hear a hairpin drop it's so quiet. Jonas turns to me, and I get ready to charge. If he says just one little thing to me, I'm gonna rebuke his ass in front of all these people, try to shut his ass up for good. But he turns away. Chicken. I want to flap my wings at him.
"The, uh, the solution to this filthy intermarriage was the putting away of these foreign wives!"
Putting away? That's KJV for divorce. "Divorce, Lord! Yes, Lord! Divorce was the only solution! Put 'em away, Lord! Yes, Lord!"
"And ... and the great theologian John Wesley says that verse forty-four of chapter ten implies that most of thesefor- eign wives were barren, and that those who had children, those children were illegitimate!"
Well shut my mouth. Our marriage is in the Bible, right there in Ezra 9 and 10. But calling Tee and Dee illegitimate like that in public? I have to stand up for my children this time. I slam my Bible on the pew and jump to my feet. "Praise the Lord for miscarriages caused by weak sperm!" The word "sperm" echoes a bit before dying down. Forgive me, Lord. You know that it had to be said. I sit and squeeze Tee's and Dee's hands.
I hear Sam chuckling and see Deacon Rutledge turn to shush him. Sam don't play that and stands. " ' Scuse me, Reverend Borum," Sam says in that golden baritone voice of his, "but what precisely are you talking about today? Are you talking about the Lord God of Israel and his dealings with the Hebrew nation around about four hundred B.C., or are you talking about you, the Lord God of Antioch Church, and your dealings with your ex-wife and those two children around about ... oh, today?"
"Amen!" I hear from way up in the balcony. Thank you, Kevin. I think I've embarrassed myself enough for one day.
"I am talking .. ." Jonas pauses and stares at Sam. "Please sit, sir."
"After you've answered my question," Sam says.
"I will tell you once you are seated."
Sam smiles. "Pretty smooth. That'll g
ive you more time to think up an answer."
Deacon Rutledge stands and turns to Sam. "Sit down"
Sam turns to the rest of the congregation. "Brothers and sisters, this is truly a holy moment, a blessed event! The good Deacon Rutledge has finally spoken, after nearly seven years, to the father of his daughter's baby, his grandbaby Angie! Can I get a hallelujah?"
"Hallelujah!" rings from all over the place, and I mean, all over the place. From the choir, from the sanctuary, from the balcony. I don't know what's going on, but I like it, oh, yes, I like it a lot!
Sam turns back to Jonas as Deacon Rutledge sits his narrow ass down. "You gonna answer my question now?"
Jonas gulps, drops his eyes, and instead says, "Let us pray."
Let us pray? I check my watch, and I ain't the only one checking. I even see a few fools shaking their wrists like their watches have stopped. It's twenty minutes to twelve. I lead Tee and Dee back to the organ bench where I'm supposed to play "I Surrender All" during the last prayer. I ain't surrendering a damn thing today, so I play "Get Right With God" instead, playing it louder than usual to drown out Jonas's weak-ass, mumbled prayer. When Jonas finishes, I pull out all the stops and crank up "Total Praise" for folks to walk out to, only today they're practically running out.
When the sanctuary is finally empty, I let Tee and Dee play a bit. They pull out the stops, dance on the pedals, and generally make joyful noises to the Lord.
"Y'all hungry?" Two happy nods. "There's a potluck dinner downstairs with tables just bursting with good food" And I want to get down there to hear what folks are saying about the service while it's still fresh in their minds.
I walk with my children through the line, sitting with my children, and no one will speak to me. All conversations seem to come to a stop when we pass by. They stare, though, and I make sure to keep a broad smile on my face when I stare back. I don't see Sam and family or Kevin, but that's okay because I got me my own family here today.
Naomi stops by but doesn't sit with us. "Are you proud of yourself, Ruth?" she whispers.
I look at Tee and Dee destroying a plate of wings and mashed potatoes. "Yes."